May ignored him and looked through the window. No sign of movement through the window didn’t prove anything – only solidified the unknown. Her anxious eyes were peering around the house and through other windows. Scanning the room, she tried to find something she could wield against them – anything to frighten them away.
May put her hand to her chest to feel the way her heart was beating. It was going crazy. Really, May supposed this to be a very natural feeling – but one she had never really felt. She knew the name for it, too. Fear. More powerfully than ever, adrenaline flowed through her veins. And, it was a different kind of power; not to retreat, but to act. So strongly it affected her that she felt she was shaking from the inside out.
Decided, May grabbed a knife and headed back outside to sit and wait. She sat in front of the door, rigid and alert. Nothing at all was crossing the threshold of her mind, except to respond to the sights and sounds she was waiting for. So this is war. For an hour or more she sat letting sweat catch on her eyebrows and soaking her hair. Time to get up. She made the usual loop around the house, as she had made the habit of, spending just a few moments on the other side. Waiting, watching, then returning the way she came to the doorstep. There was that tree near the house which she considered to climb, but if needed, she wasn’t sure she could get down fast enough. It would’ve been a much better vantage point, and an even better hiding place. Within a few seconds all of these thoughts passed through her mind. But, she dismissed them, finding herself wanting the enemy to know that they were putting up a defense.
A few hours more and May found herself pacing back and forth, rolling the handle of the knife around her fingers. Fear was a natural feeling, and she was displaying a natural reaction; defense; protection. Maybe she was over-reacting. At some point she returned to her station, sitting at the door and staring at the path ahead. Before the work-day would even have ended, several men were walking her way. To her, they were recognizable, even from a distance. Though they were recognizable, May’s stone emotions and concrete determination didn’t change.
The boys were not as intensely determined as May, but as they conversed with one another, they did so being hushed, low, and brief because of those that might have followed. May was glad they understood her vigilance, and that they didn’t think she was over-paranoid.
Sweaty and tired, but not worse for the wear, it was clear something Thomas tried had worked. What had happened was this: Samson was in the market, buying and selling, helping out Janine when Darian, called him out and started asking questions. Both sides formed up and began arguing with each other. Dane and Thomas had been walking together, talking about Jonathan and everything they’ve learned to this point and joined the throng late. When they entered, mildly, Thomas began running his wonderfully honed, political speech that made everything sound fair and thought out, full of great jargon, admitting their own accountability in the matter, and then attempting to make them forget why they were upset.
This was when her mother and siblings began heading home. Thomas and Dane made a great pair, echoing each other’s words and expanding in ways the other hadn’t considered. After about an hour of this, they admitted their fault and agreed to meet with a town council and present their case. They did not admit to finding it before, just that it was them that started the fire.
Each party was asked to write a small proposal to present their case. Dane and Thomas were busy with that for the evening.
Dane tried to get past his mental and emotional fatigue enough to study for a few hours outside and come up with an argument to present in their case tomorrow. May, too, was pouring over books and giving her input out on the grass, looking up after every sentence to the trees and the path to the town.
Taking his obsessive attention away from the book for a second,
“They just want to know what we know. It’s simple. They are offended we didn’t share our information.”
May knew it was true and added, “I can’t blame them, I’d feel the same way, but I feel like we are learning something exponentially more important than a few artifacts, and I’d like to have confidence in it before we put the theory out to be scrutinized.”
“We could share it with Darian. Then he could at least pass word to them so they don’t get so antsy.”
Thomas chimed in, “I don’t like that guy.”
“He’s not that bad.” May said, then made a face to Dane to show that she was still skeptical to share it.
None of them said much to Jonathan that evening except Dane, who sat and tried to talk reasonably with him, explaining the situation plainly and said they needed his help. Jonathan, somehow, was in a more pleasant mood than his average, but it merited very little. It wasn’t as if there was some great secret that if he would only reveal, they would be free. Nope, this new problem was just a mess of stupid, impulsive actions they used to get Jonathan and Gabe to help them.
Later that night, while everyone slept and May stayed awake, she read more of the little green book. Notebook at her side and pen in her mouth, that book stood no chance. Somehow she would figure out what these words meant, even if Jonathan remained unreachable.
About the reading: Moving on from St. Mark to St. Luke came with the weird realization that this story was being retold over and over and over again with a few minor changes. What was the point of that? Couldn’t they have gotten together and agreed on something and written one, full account? Reading straight through the book had been May’s intent, as always, but now she thumbed through St. Luke to St. John… coming to a book called Acts. Glancing at the first few pages, it gave her the hope that it wouldn’t be the same story. So that’s where she started reading. She would come back to the others later, but for now she needed to spike her learning curve and she didn’t know what she would gain from reading the same story over and over.
Her list of definitions stopped growing as rapidly, because the same words were being used repeatedly. The reading consumed her as the fear of the night faded. No one was coming, yet, and if they did, she would holler in the house and get everyone out to fight. The tension of her whole body suggested eagerness to understand from the tip of her toes to her furrowed brow. Obsession fueled her need to learn, and pressured her to know further and further into the minds of men. She was learning about Jonathan and Gabe from this book, though they never mentioned it.
When the men came out in the morning, May finally put the book down. She had the responsibility to be with them at the council. The little book went in her pocket. Janey came out and jumped up in her arms. Dane came over, handing May a bag of dried fruit. He seemed a little nervous. A piece of paper which he wrote his notes on was folded into eight rectangles. He put it in one of his pockets and left his hand in the pocket, running his fingers over the paper. He was so fidgety and not doing much to hide it. In a deep voice, he told May that they were ‘pleading guilty’.
“That was what Jonathan suggested.”
Jonathan also recommended that they use the argument that the land belonged to no one, and if anyone was to claim ownership, it should be May and Dane because they found it first. He brought a book from the city as proof, which they would only reveal if necessary and after the other team admitted they found nothing. Wrapped in a cloth and put in a bag, the book was given to May to carry.
As Dane finished his explanations, Jonathan walked out the door, followed by Thomas. Jonathan honestly looked like he’d been beaten – not just physically from being chained for over a period of three weeks, but his lack of resolve. He looked straight ahead, then at May and Dane, then back. Dane kept his eyes on him, but leaned over to May to say, “He’s totally weirding me out.”
“You and me both. Did you talk more last night? When I checked on you, you were sound out on the couch with Janey.”
“Nah, it was just as much talking as you saw earlier. I was a little desperate this morning and asked him to come with us. He begged us to take the chains off.”
“Does he want
any medicine?”
“He’d tell you if he did, right?”
May shrugged, and though skeptical, said, “I say we go with it.”
She then looked at Janey and asked her, “Did you sleep well last night?”
“Uh huh!” She said positively. “I was keeping him comfortable.” Dane smiled and put his hand on Janey’s sweet face, “Yes you were.” He leaned over and kissed the top of her forehead, and ran his fingers through her hair. Then he put his rough hand on May’s face as well. When he looked her in the eye, he seemed serious and heavy – two things Dane rarely was.
“I think things will be okay.” He gave a small smile and exhaled heavily through his nose, “We just might have to explain everything before we’re ready… and hopefully they don’t chain us up, too.” With a rub of his thumb he took his hand away from her face and turned and headed to the front of the group that was waiting. What was this new burden he felt? May wondered. It was more than dealing with the council. They were friends with most of those people. Fessing up to their friends was potentially part of the problem.
Jonathan looked back at May, then forward, then back at she and Janey. There was a longing in his eyes, a tiredness, a sadness. Submissive was even a word May would have used; resigned. The bags under his eyes showed his exhaustion. The whites of his eyes, from what she could see, were bloodshot. As he looked away again, he made special effort to keep his chin up and his eyes forward. Aside from the times May was looking at Janey, she was watching Jonathan. He was struggling. They walked to town, and as they walked, Jonathan was looking back, fighting looking back, having some personal, silent argument. For the first time, May pitied him. She knew she really shouldn’t have avoided him like she had been, that it was childish, but in her mind it was also safety and sanity. Life was more comfortable without worrying about him.
When they were nearer the town, Jonathan seemed to give up and stopped wearily, letting others pass him. Others slowed and looking around the group, wondered if they should do something. He was going in circles; in downward spirals, trying to cope.
As if he’d not been shamed enough in front of all of them; he was now breaking down. He was bent over with his hands rubbing up and down his legs, trying to take deep breaths. As May watched this, she realized for, truthfully, the first time that this was something she really didn’t understand. And, he was really trying to fight it. May put Janey down. There was nothing she could do. Why did she feel so helpless to this man? Despite all that had happened between her and Jonathan, her heart felt like it was swelling in sympathy. As Dane came through the group and told them to continue walking, May knew it was not her job to comfort him. But she watched, hoping for him to find strength and wanting him to be happy.
This was Dane’s new burden. What they talked about had connected them with the bondage of pain and guilt. May knew the details of Dane’s history. The things he told her rarely surfaced in his demeanor. She had never seen him in the kind of pain he once described to her. It was interesting to finally see that it was real.
…
A few months after May and Dane met they were in the bar, talking to the bar tender, both drinking water again. The bartender had said nothing and had given them both water before they even asked. Any time after he would serve someone else, he would come back and talk with them. They were his entertainment and he didn’t mind at all. He enjoyed having someone to talk to. While talking about the upcoming harvest, he got distracted by a pretty girl and that’s when Dane turned to May and asked,
“So a water drinker?”
May smiled and tipped her glass. After she swallowed she said, “Yeah… when I got pregnant, I stopped, and just never cared to start again. I don’t like the feeling. So you’re a water drinker?” She teased.
“Yeah… well… it’s a long story.”
May shrugged and waved her fingers to encourage him to go on, and she added, “I don’t think you brought up the subject to leave it there.”
Dane smiled, and seemed glad she’d caught on. He said, “let’s go for a walk.” He set his glass down, saying, “thanks James” as he caught the bartender’s eye. May waved to say goodbye and they weaved through the tables and out the door.
Now outside, they walked silently through neighborhoods until Dane cleared his throat and said,
“So, the story explains quite a lot about me.” He paused and took a big breath. “When I was… ten… my younger brother at I were swimming a little ways off of the beach. We were goofing off and pushing each other under, which was just… idiotic… I was bigger and didn’t really think about our strength difference. I pushed him under and held him there for too long. He really started to squirm in a way that scared me to death. I let him up and he coughed and sputtered. He tried to play it off as a joke, because he saw that it had scared me, which was irritating, so I swam back to shore. When he tried to follow me, I could hear his stress and struggle as the tide came in. I looked back and he was gone.”
They had stopped walking and May was looking into the dark brown eyes that were usually bright with energy and hope. He was shaking ever so slightly.
“Oh, God, I hate how it feels even now. The empty ocean; realizing how I’d have to explain what I did; how her youngest son had died, to my mother.”
His hand was clutched to his chest, and though his eyes only watered, he breathed as if he was sobbing. May didn’t know how to help. She’d never seen a grown man so anxious before. A tear was expelled involuntarily out of the corner of his eye. It was clear that he was trying to calm himself down, but the trauma was too ingrained; he couldn’t seem to shake it from his mind. May took his face in her hands and tried to ground him.
“Dane, answer my questions. What book did we read from today? … What city are you from? … Where did we just walk from?”
He answered the questions and his breathing slowed. Dane thanked her, then like a small child, he tuckered out, losing all energy, his head drooping. May was close enough to feel the way his body withered with depression and resigned to the peace of the night.
It took a few minutes like this before he stood tall again. Without a word he pressed a gentle palm upon May’s back and they kept walking. Then, a few more minutes after that, he was capable to finish and said,
“By the time I was sixteen I was an alcoholic. I knew something was wrong, and that I shouldn’t be like that, and yet I was, and was too far gone to really help myself. Eventually I was able to after some encouragement from Darian and my mom. I used to stay away because I feared it… but now I think I’ve gotten to the point that I stay away because I want to, and it’s easy most of the time.”
May looked up and gave him a half-smile. Then they continued walking in the dark to who knew where, or for how long, walking close enough that they brushed arms as they went - and that warmth was enough for them to feel like they wanted nothing more than to be close to another human being.
…
Dane went and put a hand on his friend’s back as his world fell apart. Jonathan moved to a squat, then sat on the ground, then wrapped his arms around his legs, rocking back and forth. Tears came down May’s face as she realized that Jonathan wasn’t their enemy. Neither was anyone else.
Chapter 13
Dane was not able to do much to help the man, and he didn’t want to. He knew the kind of strength it took to fight it, and he wanted to give Jonathan that opportunity. And yet, his mercy and his anxiety for Jonathan meant that in Dane’s own weakness he was trying to will Jonathan’s world back into place.
Dane was talking to him; encouraging him, “You are capable of doing this. Not all of them, just one. It will help you feel like you’re more in control.”
Jonathan looked up at May again. This look, however, was of fierce anger. She had turned herself into the personage of his enemy. Whatever it was that was keeping him in bondage, might have been starting to look like her.
Dane beckoned them forward. May knew that her responsibility right
now was to wait for Jonathan to ask for a pill if he chose to do so. Janey with her little soft hand walked right up to Jonathan and pushed away a tear and almost demanded him to be okay. She was good at the comforting thing. Jonathan looked slightly in shock at the childlike kindness. Then, ashamed of his surprise, became even more sullen and resistant. He cleared his throat and stopped his tears. He would not look at May but grumbled, slowly,
“Could I have one of my pills?”
May didn’t move. He cleared his throat again,
“Please?”
“Of course, Jonathan. Which kind?”
“Anxiety? Its… um…purple?”
___
As May pulled it out of her pouch, Dane was watching her… then looked away at the skyline behind her, back toward the house. He cocked his head trying to see more clearly. Something was wrong. More bodies were moving around down there than there should have been. Who was down there? Couldn’t be the kids, they were too big. He heard indiscernible screaming and panic and someone running their direction, then running back to the house. Smoke was coming from one corner of the house.
___
“May...” He said with warning in his voice, “I think they’re down there.” Then he took off running. What she saw when she looked back filled her with all of the anxiety from the night before. May had to make a split second decision that a week ago she wouldn’t have even considered. She looked at Jonathan and she looked at Janey, then said,
“Janey, take care of Jonathan. Take him to Tatum’s house, okay?” Tatum was an old woman who lived right at the edge of town. They could see her house from here. May knew they’d be safe to make it that far. When she took off running, she was way behind Dane. His voice travelled back to her, but was hardly audible, and was not meant for her. When she got closer and saw Darian’s skinny face, she knew that Dane had yelled at him.
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