by Peter Saenz
The Fall night air was becoming very cold so we immediately take out a couple blankets Tobias had packed. The three of us huddle together under them creating as much body heat as possible. Falling against Fenrus’ fur feels really great. I nuzzle my face into his side and he wiggles himself against me in reciprocation. I can tell Tobias is enjoying his warmth and company just as much as I am. I’m suddenly reminded of the gift Fenrus is and mouth a prayer of devotion to the goddess as a sign of thanks. When the prayer is complete I open my eyes and see Tobias looking back at me with the kindest eyes. I hold his hand in response.
“Thank you for everything”, I tell him.
“You’re welcome”, is his only response.
The movement of the train and sound of the metal wheels going over the spikes eventually creates a soothing effect on the three of us. I dreamily look out the open train car door and see the moon finally lowering herself in the distant horizon. Dawn will break within the hour. One of our most holiest of observances has passed and I am saddened that I wasn’t able to properly celebrate the occasion. My newfound freedom on the other hand gives me solace.
“This is the furthest I’ve ever gotten,” I can’t help saying with a smile on my lips.
“I know. We should be many miles away from Los Angeles by now. Maybe we’ll make it as far as San Francisco. I’d love to see home again.”
“You’re from San Francisco?” The idea of sharing where everyone in the coven is from was never discussed so my curiosity is peaked.
“Yeah, my family settled there a long time ago. Both sets of my grandparents were typical hippies. They went to Woodstock and did the whole “love in” thing. That’s how my parents were born. They were completely raised in a Bohemian lifestyle. My parents were raised together in a commune. They grew their own plants and lived off of nature. When they became old enough to understand spirituality and faith they became Wiccan. My grandparents thought it was a great way to fight the establishment by celebrating a passive faith that people previously were hanged for believing in. I think they saw it as a new Gandhi type movement or something. My parents on the other hand saw it as a way of living and celebrating life. I was raised Wiccan as well, of course. I understood the precepts and would celebrate the occasions as a kid along-side my parents.”
“Were your parents part a coven?”
“No, not really. They didn’t believe in tying themselves or anyone else to a group. They mostly served as solitary practitioners but would join in on the group activities open to multiple covens. You know, the Solstice chants and blessings and such. They had a handful of Wiccan friends though. A few of them grew to be as close as family.”
“Were your parents magical witches, like us?” To me it would make sense as Tobias is a pretty powerful witch. That said neither of my parents seemed to have any exceptional talents so my own gifts remain a mystery to me.
“Not as obvious as we have, but they both had small gifts here and there. They had a way with their plants. I could never understand how they could keep their plants so robust and alive. One of my parent’s friends was a sweet old woman named Anna. She had the gift of seeing. It was pretty amazing. She was the one who told my parents that I had gifts others would one day come looking for. As I got older I began seeing the world around me differently. I could manipulate the nature around me just by concentrating and willing things to happen. I thought it was great. It created a whole new respect for the Craft. My parents and I saw it as a gift from the goddess Gaea. I’ve been a follower of hers ever since.”
“So why’d you leave San Francisco?”
“During my senior year of high school I began to notice groups of strange people following me around. They’d always keep a safe distance away but they made me feel nervous for my safety. I didn’t want to freak my parents out so I went to Anna to see if she might know what was going on.”
“They were Initiators, weren’t they?” Malik had told me about them. Initiators are groups of witches who stalk other witches and coerce them into joining their covens. Depending on how influential they are in the community, some Initiator covens will sometimes even kidnap a witch if they feel it would benefit the group. They are very dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
“Yeah. A few people in their coven had some magical talent and could sense how powerful I was becoming. Anna told me that their reach was limited to San Francisco though, and that I needed to leave before they eventually tried to pull me in. My dad’s cousin had a place in San Diego so when it was time for me to choose a college, it seemed a safe place to be.”
“Wow, that’s awful.”
“Yeah, but San Diego was great. I really loved college and it was different being away from the family. I got to explore my interests more. That’s of course where I met Malik. He was one of the benefactors of the campus Wiccan group. He totally blew me away with his opinions and experiences. I’d never met anyone like him. When my parents died my senior year of college, I entered a really dark place. Malik was the one who helped me through it. I felt I owed him a lot so when he offered me a place in his coven, I accepted.”
Suddenly my happy dreamy feeling disappears and is replaced with a solemn poignant emotion. I completely knew what he meant. When Malik entered my life I thought I had entered that same safe Wonderland.
“I’m originally from Scottsdale, Arizona.” I say. “My dad left when I was still a kid. The last thing he told me was to never be afraid of what I am. I always kept that to heart. When I got older and realized I was gay I never tried hiding it. You can imagine the hell I got from the douchebags in high school. Between that and my mother’s drinking I thought I’d try making it out on my own so I headed to L.A. Of course things didn’t turn out as good as I hoped. You’d be surprised to find out how many kids runaway to L.A. and end up on the streets. So, I did what I had to do to survive.”
“Malik told us as much. We thought that was why he never let any of us get close to you. Then when you became his protégé we didn’t know what to think. Zack took it especially hard. He was Malik’s favorite until you came along.” I can hear the hesitation in his voice.
“What an asshole. Malik and Zack deserve each other.” The words come out a little more harshly than I intend but even now the mention of Malik and Zack together pushes my buttons. I sense Tobias understands and he tries to comfort me.
“Yeah but I think the Universe is doing a better job at punishing than we ever could. I can’t believe we’ve known each other for several years and still don’t know that much about each other on a personal level.”
“You can thank Malik for that. The only person he ever let me talk to was Luke. When I first moved into the mansion I had just started learning about Wicca from Malik. When I had a hard time learning one of his lessons he’d bring in Luke to help act as a second teacher. I got the impression that he’d rather had Zack assisting him but I could tell even then that Zack had it out for me in the worst way.”
“So when did Malik first learn you were magical? When he brought you to live in the mansion, it was the first we’d heard of you.”
“Probably when I first met him. I had just started to manifest some abilities around that time. He probably sensed them. For all his warnings about Initiators, turns out Malik was one all along.”
“What were you able to do?” I can hear the interest in his voice and it makes me smile.
“It started with dreams. When I was asleep my dream self was able to wander outside my body to different parts of the city. I thought it was just my imagination at first. Then of course I found out I wasn’t just dreaming it all as time went by. There was a time I hated being awake. Then I learned I could also make things move around me just by thinking of it. THAT’S when things got interesting.”
“Wow, that’s a pretty powerful gift to have straight off. Most magical witches have to study for years before they’re able to do that.”
“That’s what Malik said. He said I was a “natural witc
h”. I didn’t really know what that meant, but it got me off the streets and I was learning some pretty cool magic tricks so I just went with it. Looking back on it now, I’m almost embarrassed about how lightly I took it all in the beginning. It was just a gimmick to me.”
Still in his understanding tone, Tobias says, “I think a lot of people are like that. For most people Wicca is just a fad faith. True Wiccans know that it’s a lot more than just chants and wishing for stuff to happen. Seeing your progression in the Craft and seeing how the goddess blessed you with Fenrus, I know you’ve taken the beliefs a lot further to heart. Was it hard living on the streets?”
“Yeah and no. When I first ran away I left to try to find my dad. I found some letters he sent my mom postmarked from Los Angeles. I looked up his name in the phone book when I got here but each name lead to a dead end. I ran out of the money I saved up after a few weeks but didn’t have the nerve to return home. I never had a problem finding a John when I needed money. Having to sleep with them though, that was slowly killing me. I started to hate myself. I did that for about a year or so before I learned my abilities had kicked in. They helped me forget about the hate for awhile. I’d let myself wander to new places and see different things. It was the best escape I ever had.”
“Then you met Malik.”
“He picked me up on Santa Monica Blvd. I thought he was just another John. They all tell you they’re gonna set you up with a place to live so you don’t have to work the streets anymore. About our third “date” in, he actually did it. I was impressed. He told me straight off that he was a Wiccan. I had no clue what that really meant. I thought he was gonna ask me to do something kinky in bed or something. Believe it or not but we never had sex on any of our dates. He’d just take me to a hotel room and we’d talk until dawn. Then he’d pay me three times what I’d normally get for a full night’s work and be on his way.”
“He’s subtle.”
“Yeah. He lured me right in. I thought I had a really good handle on who seemed legit and who didn’t. Malik was a major fail for me.”
There’s a momentary pause and I look over to Tobias. He’s deep in thought but eventually he says, “I knew things weren’t what they seemed a little before you moved in. Malik began teaching us new aspects of Wicca I’d never heard of before. Dark stuff. It didn’t feel right to me but I had given my oath to the coven so I went along with it out of obligation. I’d try to let Malik know how I felt but he’d just turn on the charm and rationalize everything, making ME think I was the one wrong for doubting him. I couldn’t swear to it either, but I think he was using his amulet to help sway my thinking. Every time I’d leave one of our private meetings I always felt slightly out of it, like I had just walked through a fog.”
The idea of Malik brainwashing Tobias infuriates me.
“He tried something like that with me the first few times I escaped. He got really pissed when he found out it wouldn’t work on me. To be honest, I think half of him wanted to hit me because of it and the other half wanted to pick my brain to find out what it was that stopped his magical brainwashing from working.”
“What was it that made you want to leave? I knew you were unhappy but I didn’t think you’d risk leaving because of the oath. Did something happen?”
“Yeah. I had caught Malik performing a ritual with some of my private things. He was scrying over them, trying to pull images of my past and where I came from.”
“You didn’t tell him about your life before Los Angeles?”
“No. You learn on the streets to keep your private life to yourself. I made up some story about my parents living in Utah and being really religious and that when they found out I was gay they kicked me out. It usually works when you’re turning tricks because the Johns feel sorry for you and sometimes they offer you a little more money. I already told him that lie when we met so I just kept up with it. He’d keep asking me for more information about them from time to time and after a while it just became uncomfortable. I guess when he realized he wasn’t going to get anywhere with his questions he took it to the next step. When he realized
he was caught he lashed out at me with his magics and demanded I tell him the truth. He did too good of a job at torturing me though. I ended up in a coma for three days. When I came to I made my first escape attempt.”
I can tell my words hit him like a ton of bricks. A look of shock completely sweeps across his face.
“Gods, he never told us you were in a coma. I noticed you weren’t attending the daily meditation chants for a while there, but Malik said you had left to see a sick friend and that you would be back in a few days. I’m so sorry Devin.”
Angry tears begin to form in my eyes but I refuse to succumb to them. I won’t let Malik get the best of me anymore. Not now.
Tobias continues, “After we learned you had left the first time, Malik told us that you were going through some personal issues and weren’t thinking straight. He said that he wanted us to bring you safely back to the coven so that he could help talk you through it. I wanted to talk to you too but Malik forbid it. He said that you were troubled and he didn’t want me to confuse you more than you already were.”
The anger in me begins to swell. “Malik wanted obedient followers. He wanted a powerful coven he could lord over and control. If one person left the group then there was nothing stopping the rest of you from leaving either. That’s why he had us perform the blood oath when we joined. That’s why he made sure none of us grew too close to one another.”
“I see that now. You were always kind to me, even when the others weren’t. Zack and the others said to stay away from you because Malik probably knew something we didn’t. If I’d known what was going on I wouldn’t have helped them bringing you back all those times. This last time though Malik said that you were dangerous and that it was our duty as a coven to help him kill you. He reminded us that we took the blood oath to protect the coven. I knew it was wrong but Malik pulled me aside and told me that if I don’t help him that I would become a traitor to the coven too. I knew what he meant by that so I went along. When it came down to it though, I couldn’t let them do it. If you wanted to choose your own path then you should be free to do so. It wasn’t mine or Malik’s place to make that decision for you. Before I knew what I was doing I had the spear in my hands and I...”
Tobias grows quiet. I could tell by the anguish in his voice that the full realization of what had happened was hitting him. A part of me could feel his raw emotion pour out of him like a great flood. A wave of compassion sweeps over me and I can feel my hand reach over to hold his cheek. With it I gently push his face toward mine. His eyes are closed but large tears begin to fall over my hand still securely holding him. Fenrus takes a step back, freeing my other hand. With it I hold Tobias close to me, suddenly feeling his arms holding me tight. I cradle the side of my head gently into his and absorb as much of his pain as I can.
“I’m sorry Devin. I’m so sorry.”
I lose it. No longer able to hold back my own emotions anymore, I let go of everything.
“It’s over. It’s finally over. We’re free now and we’re never going back.”
I then feel a wet tongue going through my hair and face. I smile while flinching at the ticklish response it brings. Tobias laughs too as the both of us hug and give affection to Fenrus also. Once our laughter subsides we find ourselves yawning. I realize just how heavy my eyes have become and look over to find that Tobias is the same. Intuitively, Fenrus lies down on his side allowing Tobias and I to rest our heads on his warm full coat. We fold in the blankets around us for better warmth and squirm around looking for a comfortable position. With his back to me I spoon into Tobias, holding him tight in my arms.
“Good night Tobias.”
“Good night Devin.”
Fenrus woofs in response to which Tobias and I both say, “Good night Fenrus.”
I interlock my fingers around Tobias’ and the both of us drift off to sleep.
&n
bsp; *******
I dream I am back at my childhood home. To the right of me I see myself as a child playing in the backyard, and to my left stands my old home. There’s a disturbance there as I can hear my parents arguing. I leave my child self to continue playing as I head toward the house to better understand what is being said. I walk through the wall and there in the living room stands my mother and father, young and robust but also extremely agitated.
“How could you do this? You have a wife and child here. Don’t they care about that? Don’t we matter at all?”
“Of course you matter. You know you’re the most important things in my life! I was ready to give up everything to be with you two.”
“Then why are they doing this? They’re tearing our family apart!”
“I’m sorry but there are just some things I can’t refuse. If I say no they’ll kill you and Devin. I won’t let that happen! This is the only way the two of you will be safe.”
“But without you! I can’t be without you Adam! I can’t!”
My father goes to my mother and holds her closely to him. She sobs into his chest as he kisses the top of her head.
“I’m sorry Vicki. If there were some other way I’d choose it.”
My mother pulls away from my father and says, “We can run away! We’ll run away to where they’ll never find us!”
