"That's true," she agreed. "But I don't think he wants to be found."
"Pretty sure he didn't want to be found the first time either. You still found him. And I'm thinking that if he left all of this to you, that he gave a shit about you. Even if you had a distant sort of relationship."
"Yeah," she agreed, taking a few deep breaths. She gained her feet a few moments later, looking around. "I can't live here," she declared, making the tension I hadn't been aware of leave my jaw.
"No?"
"No. But... I... I can't get rid of it either. There is too much of me here."
"I get that, babe. You know... we know a lot of fucking people. I'm sure some of them would like a little woodsy retreat. At least it won't be empty all the time then. And we can come up here too."
"That's true," she agreed, nodding. "I want to take all the carvings out, though. I know they will probably be too much for the apartment, but maybe we can disperse them out over the holidays. I think Aunt Rey will kill for those cockatoo and macaw ones."
"We can load them up with us. If we have to, we can stick them in a storage unit until we find homes for them. And take all this paperwork. I don't think you have to worry about anyone robbing the place. If you didn't know it was here, you wouldn't be able to find it. But just in case, y'know, you get a roof leak or some shit, you want to make sure you have all the stuff you care about out of here since you wouldn't know."
"Sounds like a good plan," she agreed, hauling the box up, leading me out of the room, out of the garage, out into the moody woods.
"Are you going to miss it here?"
"I don't know," she admitted. "I spent a lot of time here. And while I wasn't miserable, I can't say there were particularly happy times either. And, God, I still don't feel like I have dried out from the constant wetness here. Plus, I used to have to bathe with a garden hose. I don't think I will miss that."
"Hot showers aren't overrated," I agreed. "And pretty soon, we will be in a place that doesn't have gray water."
"And an actual bed," she agreed, swooning a bit at the idea since we'd spent the last few weeks on the couch and floor.
"We'll have to break that in," I added, watching as she shot me a smoldering look over her shoulder.
"I was thinking we have a whole new house we have to break in," She told me, jerking her chin toward it.
Yeah, we didn't waste any time getting to that.
Ferryn - Six weeks later
It felt strange to have a place in the world.
It shouldn't have, of course. I had grown up with a place, with a family home, with a bedroom to call my own.
But I had lived in a room off of a garage for so long. And then had come home to crash in an apartment that wasn't mine either.
It was a small thing, a thing most people had managed to do by the time they got to my age. But for me, it was monumental. To move into my first ever apartment.
It was humbling, too, to watch my entire family show up in force, even Fallon—though he scowled the whole time—helping us haul furniture up the stairs, slapping paint on the walls, hanging shelves, putting together complicated Swedish furniture, bringing dishes to fill our refrigerator.
"What's this?" I asked when my Aunt Rey moved inside, carrying a box that was not one of ours. "We said no gifts," I added. Mostly because I wanted to take our time in picking things out, not just filling the space quickly with characterless items just so everyone could contribute an item.
"Prepare yourself," Aunt Lou declared, shaking her head. "Rey has a habit of providing something living and breathing and requiring cleaning up after as house warming presents."
"A house isn't a home without an animal to share it with," Rey insisted. "I also brought some homemade first aid essentials and cold and flu teas."
"Also?" Vance repeated, looking bemused as he tried to glance in the box.
"We can't have dogs here, Aunt Rey," I reminded her, even if I had been a little bitter about that fact. I hadn't been dog crazy per se, but spending time with all the four-legged companions in my family had definitely given me a little bit of puppy fever.
"I know. I think that is a crime but I'm not breaking any rules," she insisted, putting the box down on the coffee table, pulling it open, producing a wheeking, squiggling, cowlick-haired guinea pig. "Don't worry!" She rushed to say, eyes wide. "I brought two."
"I, ah, okay?" I said, brows furrowed.
"You can't have a single guinea pig. It's cruel. They actually forbid it in certain countries. They need to be with a buddy. So, this is an Abyssinian, and this little love muffin is a Teddy Bear," she declared, reaching for the second one as the first one chewed at the edge of her hair. "They're a relatively low maintenance pet but they have loads of personality. If you can't have a dog to run up with a wiggly butt to greet you when you come home, at least you can have them squeaking when they hear you come in. Reeve is going to be here in a couple minutes with everything you will need to set them up. As soon as my garden gets going, I will drop by to give you some fresh greens for them too," she added as I reached for the cow-licked one, pulling it to my chest, rubbing its butt with my other hand, feeling it purr and shiver at the touch.
"Got any names picked out?" Vance asked, reaching for the other one, and I was pretty sure I had never seen something quite as heartwarming as a big, strong, intimidating gun-running biker gently holding a tiny little rodent like it was something precious.
He would make a great dad someday.
I honestly hadn't given children a thought since I was pretty much still one myself. My life since didn't allow me to be anything even vaguely resembling motherly. I had been worried about coming back and trying to connect with all the club kids. I didn't know if I had the softness and silliness kids needed to like being around you.
As it turned out, having really cools cars and a boyish haircut was interesting enough for them. Plus, no one could climb a tree like I could, and they were all-too-happy to learn that particular skill even if their parents would maybe have preferred I didn't show them how to scale things they could easily fall out of and break things.
Vance, though, kids flocked to him. His niece especially. Ollie thought he was who made the sun rise in the morning. And he lit up whenever she was around.
We hadn't had the kid conversation. And things were new. We were new. There was time.
But seeing him coo over the tailless rat with the cute squeak, yeah, it was doing weird little squeezy things to my ovaries.
"Think they'll be good practice," Vance said much later that night after we configured and then reconfigured their 'cage,' which was really just a guinea pig maze that stretched half of our living room full of playhouses, with things to climb on, places to do their business, and food. A lot of food stations. Guinea pigs might not have actually been related to pigs, but they sure ate like them.
"For what?" I asked, holding out a romaine leaf to them.
"Raising something," he said. A casual toss out, but there was a little tension behind the words, like he was uncomfortable bringing up, but wanted to regardless.
"I think I might like raising things. I mean, you know, later in life."
"Yeah?"
"I think Ollie would like some cousins," I added, reaching down to rub a butt, getting the purr I was looking for, smiling.
"I'm pretty sure Holden would resent you naming something after him that purrs when you rub its butt."
"Hey, maybe Holden purrs when you rub his butt too. You don't know his life," I shot back, making a chuckle more through him.
"You sure you want to let Olive name the other one? She's heavy into Doctor Who right now. She is probably going to give it some pretentious British name like Basil or Digby, or Aldrich."
"I'm trying to gain her favor back. I really lost some serious points when I told her I haven't seen a single superhero movie."
"She looked at you like you'd sprouted another head when you asked what Shazam! was."
"Kind of har
d to tell a little kid you've been living in the woods without electricity for longer than she's been alive."
"True. But I think you're gonna win her over when you sub as her karate teacher next month," he told me.
I was still not sure how I had gotten roped into that one. A bunch of my aunts were talking about how the current sensei was taking an early maternity leave. And not five minutes later, I was somehow signed up for the task of teaching a group of six-and-seven-year-olds how to defend themselves.
"I think it makes sense with your mission in life, "Chris said when I had told her about the whole situation. "You want to make sure girls don't end up in basements like we were. What better way to do that than to teach little girls how to defend themselves, how to stand up to anyone who might push them around?
Really, I couldn't argue with that.
And I needed a paying job.
Sure, there was still the potential to do my mission, to take out bad guys, and to have those expenses covered, but I wasn't living in the woods off the good graces of someone else. I needed to have an income. I needed to pull my weight in the world.
Vance was perfectly comfortable covering things. He'd been infinitely clear about that. And I had been just as clear about not having been raised to be dependent on anyone.
No, my mom didn't work in the traditional sense. But that was after she met my father. That was because it was a decision based on the fact that she had babies to raise and he made more than enough for the two of them.
I knew Vance made good money. All the guys at the club did. But we were new still. And bearing the financial weight of the entire cost of living could easily weigh on someone.
So I was going to teach self-defense to little girls. And I maybe bought myself a new car and half of the rent thanks to the stack of fake money Finch had dropped at my door.
Sure, I was almost positive he did so not out of genuine affection for me, but in some half-assed effort to get on my good side so I would bring Chris around more, but whatever the reason, it was a good sum of fake money that I washed to make real, and then used to start this new life.
It was strange and scary and unfamiliar, but also exciting and fun and comforting. To have a life again. To have family and friends and the opportunity to do things again.
Catch up on superhero movies.
Buy new clothes.
Go out to eat.
Make a dent on the giant pile of books my Aunt Reese had been building for me over the years anytime she came across something she thought was amazing.
Raising guinea pigs.
Decorating an apartment.
Teaching classes.
And building solid foundations with Vance, the guy who had been my dream before my life veered off its original course.
He was still my dream.
Except I actually got to have him now.
It was every bit as perfect as I had imagined.
More.
"Alright," Vance said, hopping up, back in decorating mode. "So, which ones of these are going on the shelves in here?" he asked, pulling some of Holden's carvings out of a box.
Seeing him turn that first little wooden bear around in his hand gave me the strangest sense of rightness.
My past and my present, all in one place.
Yeah, I could really get used to this.
Vance - 6 months later
A somewhat childish part of me hoped this day wouldn't come.
The rational part of me, of course, knew that it would. There was no way around it.
Ferryn was Ferryn after all.
And she hadn't dedicated nearly nine years of her life to something just to toss it to the side when it became a lot less convenient.
There had been jobs since Ferryn had settled in Navesink Bank with me in a more permanent way. But Chris had set it up so that the new team members took care of it. She claimed that she did that so they could get their feet wet, so they could get the thrill of doing some good in the world. I suspected, though, that Chris was trying to give Ferryn a little time to put down roots.
Sure, she had initially given Ferryn a hard time about giving up the mission now that she was home, but I think some time with her therapists, her mom, her aunts, had softened her to Ferryn's very unique situation.
Chris had, after all, been afforded every bit of help that money and love could buy her. She'd been nurtured and guided. She'd been allowed to heal in her own time.
Ferryn needed a chance to do that as well.
And Chris, someone who seemed to value rationality almost above all else, had been persuaded to understand that, had jumped on the bandwagon to help Ferryn readjust to normal life.
So she kept her away from the missions for as long as possible.
But not even her stubborn ass cousin could keep Ferryn on the bench forever.
The flu had torn through her karate class, making work no longer an obstacle to overcome.
So she was slipping into an all-black outfit, sticking a knife into her boot, tucking her karambit into her pocket, a hard shell came down over her body, blanking out her eyes.
"Ferryn, come on," I reasoned, trying not to be too pushy, knowing that was a surefire way to make her freeze up, freeze you out.
"You're not changing my mind. I want to do this alone."
Pointing out that she wouldn't be alone, that her team would be there, was definitely not the route I needed to take right then.
"I was helpful last time."
"You just want to have affirmation-of-life sex afterward," she told me, a little bit of light teasing in her eyes once again.
"I won't lie, that is a major perk," I agreed.
"You told me you won't get in the way of me doing this for as long as I still wanted to do it."
"I know," I agreed, nodding, maybe selfishly wishing the me who said that had just shut his fucking mouth.
"It is literally three hours from here. I will be home right after you finish your shift at the clubhouse."
I still suspected that she had asked Chris to schedule the mission for the day Colson had asked to switch shifts with me so he could go to Jelly's dance recital, knowing I would never back out on him when he needed me to be here.
That said, in a pinch, I would con someone else into taking my shift.
"I want to be there to have your back."
"And I really appreciate that. You have no idea how much I used to dream of knowing you would want to be there for me. But I need you to understand that I can take care of myself too."
"Seeing as you whipped my fucking ass in class last week," I started, referencing the time she decided it would be fun to teach her girls self-defensive moves by practicing them on me, "I think we have established that I know you can handle yourself, Ace."
"Is your ego feeling a little better about that?" she asked, giving me a smirk in the mirror.
"Not a bit," I admitted. "It is hard to get over a class full of eight-year-olds laughing at you. That shit sticks with you."
She smiled at that, but it slipped quickly away as she stared at her own eyes in the mirror for a long time before her gaze found mine again. "Would it help you if I told you that this is going to be my last mission for a while? Maybe forever?"
"You're serious?" I asked, brows furrowing.
"I'm serious," she agreed with a nod.
"It won't change how anxious I am about this particular mission," I admitted. "But I might be able to deal with it better if I know it is the end for you."
"So you will stop arguing with me and let me go?"
"I, ah, yeah, I guess I can do that."
"Okay good. I'll be back around eleven. Have Chinese here. And some electrolyte drinks for you. You're going to need them."
My lips curved up at that. "I can do that."
"Okay. Good. I will see you later," she said, pressing a quick kiss to my lips before rushing out like she was worried I might change my mind and try to stop her.
I still worried.
; Even knowing she had a team of five with her.
And there were only four targets.
I couldn't focus on my rounds at the clubhouse. We could have been invaded by a troop of humanoid raccoons bearing AK-47s and I wouldn't have even noticed.
I went home, fed the guinea pigs their lettuce, ordered Chinese.
Waited.
And waited.
And waited.
It was after two a.m. and I had just started dozing when I felt Ferryn's body climb on top of mine on the couch.
She'd stopped somewhere to shower, to change. Her short hair was still wet, and she was dressed in a white tee and gray yoga pants instead of the all-black she'd left home in.
My gaze shot all over her, looking for any injuries, but finding nothing. Not even a light bruise.
"I took a pregnancy test four days ago," she declared suddenly, making me jerk back at the information.
"You..." I started, blinking rapidly a few times, trying to make some thoughts make sense. "Are you..." I tried again.
"No," she said, shaking her head, giving me a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "I just thought I was. We haven't exactly been careful lately," she added, making me think of the shower sex the week before and the training room floor sex a few days before that. We'd definitely gotten lax in the protection department.
"Are you upset about that?" I asked.
"No. And yes, I guess. I mean... when I thought I might be, I guess I got a little excited about it. And when it turned out I wasn't, there was maybe a little disappointment."
"Okay," I said, putting my hands on her hips, waiting, knowing there was more to this.
"And I just... my first thought when I was thinking I might be was that I needed to be done. I needed to retire. That there were other ways of putting good back into the world other than killing bad guys. Like raising good men of our own or strong women. You know, whichever. And I just... all a sudden, all the rage was gone. It's always been there. It's been more buried since I came back to Navesink Bank. But it was still there. I always felt it. But at the idea of starting a family, it was gone. Just completely. So I knew I was done. Even though I'm not pregnant."
The Rise of Ferryn Page 23
