The Secret Hours

by Santa Montefiore

  Arethusa gazed into his rich brown eyes and felt a reassuring sense of familiarity, as if she belonged in their reflection, as if she had always belonged there. ‘I have tried everything to distract myself from you,’ she told him. ‘But you are behind everything I do.’

  ‘You have more courage than me. I admire you for that. I would never have dared—’

  ‘But it is courage that has brough you here, is it not?,’ she interrupted, not wanting him to articulate his fears. ‘If I have shown myself to be brave, it is only because you have made me so. I love you, Jonas. I love the man you are.’ She laughed softly and lowered her eyes. ‘I never believed in love at first sight but you’ve shown me that it’s possible. I know now why poems are written. Why poets write about stars and sunsets and the dance of light on summer leaves, because of love. I never saw it before, but now I see love everywhere and that’s because of you.’

  ‘How romantic you are, Tussy,’ he laughed and his face glowed with affection.

  ‘I didn’t think I was romantic. You’ve made me so.’

  ‘I am honoured that I have not only taught you to play the banjo, but taught you about love as well.’

  Suddenly the sky cracked with a loud bang. They both turned their eyes to the glass ceiling. ‘Fireworks,’ said Arethusa, although she couldn’t see them.

  Jonas’s face flashed with concern. ‘Surely, you will be missed,’ he said.

  ‘I told Ronald I felt unwell. Then I retired to my room, locked the door, and left through the adjoining sitting room.’

  ‘Who is Ronald?’ Jonas asked and his eyes betrayed his hurt, even though he was in no position to lay claim to her.

  ‘My fiancé,’ she replied flatly.

  ‘Of course,’ he groaned. It was inevitable that a girl like Arethusa would be betrothed.

  ‘I am getting married next spring.’ She must have looked wretched because he pulled her to him and held her tightly against his chest. She heard his heart beating hard beneath his shirt and squeezed her eyes shut. ‘I know we can’t be together, Jonas,’ she said in a resigned voice. ‘I live in the same world as you do and know that there is no place in it for us. I hoped, indeed I dreamed, but I must not wish for things I cannot have because they will only make me miserable. You are here now and I am blessed with this opportunity to speak with you alone and to tell you what is in my heart. I know the chance will never come again.’

  ‘I must let you return to the ball or you will be compromised. You and I are not from the same world, Tussy, not at all. I am not welcome in yours.’ Jonas took her face in her hands and kissed her again. ‘Come, let me escort you as far as the garden gate and then you must return to the castle before you are missed.’

  Arethusa felt as if something had sucked the air out of the greenhouse. She could barely breathe for panic. ‘No!’ she whispered, grabbing his jacket. ‘You cannot leave me. Please, don’t ever leave me, Jonas. My life will not be worth living. Surely, we can find a way . . .’ She clutched his lapels with both hands, her knuckles turning white. ‘Please.’

  ‘My darling, your life is here. With me there is only prejudice, isolation and exile. It cannot be done.’

  She tightened her grip, suddenly overcome with a terrible urgency. ‘Then love me, Jonas. Just once. Then I can live my life, do my duty, and carry the memory of you, like a beautiful jewel that belongs only to you and me. I think I can endure my future without you if I have that.’

  Jonas held her gaze. ‘What are you saying, Tussy?’

  ‘I’m asking you to make love to me,’ she whispered.

  He shook his head. ‘Tussy, you have lost your mind. We cannot. I will not put you in danger, put us both in danger, for a moment of rashness . . .’

  Her eyes shone with tears. She lightly brushed his lips with hers. ‘Don’t make me beg . . .’ She pressed herself against him again and she knew, from the heat radiating from his body, that he would be unable to refuse.

  Arethusa crept into the sitting room adjoining her bedroom, closed the door behind her and leaned against it with a sigh of relief. She had made it back without being caught.

  A slice of silver moonlight poured through the large window and partially illuminated the room. Arethusa’s gaze was drawn to it. She stiffened. Something told her she wasn’t alone. Her eyes darted from the window seat to the mantelpiece and then settled onto the sofa where a woman sat quietly in the dark, watching her.

  Arethusa gasped and put a hand to her breast. ‘Charlotte! You gave me such a fright! What are you doing here?’

  ‘I think I should ask you the same question, Tussy.’ Charlotte’s voice was stern. It was years since Arethusa had heard her use that tone.

  ‘I needed air, so I went for a walk,’ she told her crisply.

  ‘Don’t lie to me, Tussy.’

  Arethusa looked suitably offended. ‘I told Ronald I felt faint and needed to lie down. Then I sneaked out of the back of the castle and went for a walk.’

  Charlotte stood up and stepped into the moonlight. ‘I’ve had to cover for you.’ She wrung her hands, clearly upset. ‘I’ve had to lie for you. Ronald has been very worried about you, but I persuaded him not to upset your mama and came up here myself. Your bedroom door was locked, so I came in this way. When you weren’t here, I worried. But I know you, Tussy. You’ve been up to no good and I thoroughly disapprove.’

  Arethusa clicked her tongue impatiently. ‘You’re wrong and besides, with whom am I supposed to have been up to no good?’

  ‘The man you love but cannot have. You told me about him yourself.’

  ‘He is not here,’ she said softly. Charlotte took a deep breath and Arethusa sensed she was willing to be convinced. Arethusa thought of the man she loved, and the trauma of having said goodbye to him made her eyes well with tears. She decided to put those tears to good use. ‘I don’t love Ronald, Charlotte,’ she said and her chin wobbled with emotion. ‘I don’t want to marry him. But I must. Is it so wrong to feel overwhelmed by my future and in need of some time alone, in the garden?’ She walked to the window and gazed out onto the silvery grounds below. She wondered where Jonas was now. ‘The garden is so beautiful tonight, with the full moon and the stars. It’s the only place I feel fully myself.’

  Charlotte stood beside her and looked at her apologetically. ‘I have no choice but to believe you, Tussy. I don’t want to accuse you of impropriety if you really have been walking alone in the garden.’

  ‘I wouldn’t lie to you, Charlotte. Haven’t I already told you my greatest secret and you have told me yours.’

  Charlotte sighed again and cocked her head. Arethusa knew she had won. ‘You should have let me know,’ said the governess gently. ‘Then I could have covered for you without the anxiety.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I saw Rupert on my way upstairs and told him. I didn’t think it necessary to tell anyone else and besides, I didn’t want to be stopped. I needed to get away. Ronald’s attention is stifling. I hope he’ll give me more space when we’re married.’

  Charlotte smiled. ‘He’ll give you children and then settle into marriage in the way all men seem to do. Putting themselves and their needs first.’

  ‘I should like never to marry,’ said Arethusa bitterly. ‘I feel my life is ending.’

  ‘In a way it is, Tussy,’ said Charlotte. ‘The life you’ve lived up until now is ending and a new one is beginning. Life is like a book. You’re simply about to start another chapter.’ Charlotte gazed forlornly out of the window. ‘As am I.’

  ‘What will become of you?’ Arethusa asked.

  ‘I shall find another employment elsewhere. Another family, another young girl for me to tutor and guide.’ She smiled resignedly. ‘But I will miss you, Tussy. I will miss Castle Deverill and everyone in it.’

  Arethusa rejoined the ball and only Ronald knew for how long she had been gone. However, with Charlotte explaining how poor Arethusa had fallen asleep and that she had not wanted to wake her, Ronald was satisfied. No one woul
d ever know what had taken place in the vegetable garden. No one would know how Arethusa was suffering and how much it cost her to dissemble. She would never see Jonas again. It was over. But he had left her with a memory she would treasure and with the knowledge that he loved her, and that would have to be enough.

  Chapter 26

  Ballinakelly, 1961

  I have been in Ballinakelly only seven days and I am in bed with a man who is not my husband. I can see the rain pouring down outside the windows. It sounds like gravel being thrown against the glass. The sky is bruised and below it the waves rise restlessly in a dull grey sea. There are no boats on the water today, only seabirds who seem not to notice the inclement weather. It is late afternoon and I am in Cormac’s bed. We have made love. I lie in his arms, my head on his chest, and he runs his hand up and down my spine. We listen to the rain, watch the tormented sea and talk. Inside our cocoon it is cosy and tranquil; no one can touch us here.

  I have read enough novels about infidelity to know that what I am feeling now is pretty much universal: making love to Cormac feels right; more than it ever felt with Wyatt. I should feel guilty, but I don’t. I should feel sheepish, but I don’t. I should feel afraid, but I don’t. I feel as if, with each caress, he has peeled away the tired old Faye and awakened a fresh new Faye beneath. I’m like a hydrangea blooming in the spring. I know that when I see my reflection in the mirror I will look younger too. I have never been more willing and ready for change.

  ‘If the extent of your guided tour is this bedroom, I will be totally satisfied,’ I tell him happily.

  He laughs and I hear it loud and gravelly in his chest. ‘You mean you don’t want to see the lighthouse or Blarney Castle or the Cathedral of St Peter and Paul’s?’

  ‘I want to stay here with you.’

  He pushes me playfully and lies on top of me, pinning my wrists above my head. ‘Are you telling me that you want me to make love to you again?’

  ‘Yes.’ I look him straight in the eye. ‘I want you to do nothing but make love to me.’

  He smiles, pleased. ‘I’m not the young man I used to be. You’ll have to let me catch my breath.’ He laughs and there is real abandon in it.

  ‘I’m not the young woman I used to be, either,’ I say, ‘but I’m happy as I am now, here with you.’

  ‘You’re finding the Deverill spirit,’ he says, sharing my pleasure.

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘There’s a wild and reckless streak in that family.’

  ‘My mother clearly had it.’

  ‘Kitty has it,’ he adds.

  ‘Then I want the Deverill spirit in me.’

  He kisses me and I feel him becoming aroused again. ‘Then you’d better remain in Ireland, hadn’t you? You won’t find the Deverill spirit anywhere else but here.’

  We both know I cannot stay in Ireland, but I laugh and make light of it. ‘I’ll find it with you, Cormac.’

  ‘Sure, you will.’ He kisses me again. ‘Now what were you saying?’

  We remain in bed until sunset. I rather wish I was staying in the hotel, then it wouldn’t matter what time I returned, but I’m Kitty’s guest, therefore I must get back to the White House before dinner. How I would like to stay in Cormac’s bed and luxuriate in his arms all night. ‘Tomorrow I’m going to teach you how to play the accordion,’ he says, watching me dress.

  ‘Surely that was just a ruse to get me here. Now I’m here, you don’t have to.’

  He grins. ‘Sure, it was a ruse, but it wasn’t just a ruse. I’d like to teach you.’

  ‘All right.’ I think of my mother learning to play the banjo with Jonas and smile at the parallel. ‘I’m not sure we’ll be able to pull the wool over Kitty’s eyes. She’s much too clever.’

  ‘You don’t have to worry about Kitty Deverill.’

  ‘I know, she’s worldly. I can tell.’

  ‘She’s more than worldly, she’s lived many lives. Perhaps she’ll tell you about them one day.’

  I shrug on my cardigan and slip into my shoes. ‘What do you mean, she’s lived many lives?’

  ‘Ask her.’

  ‘No, you tell me.’

  ‘It’s not mine to tell.’

  ‘Are you suggesting she’s had an affair?’

  ‘Just ask her.’ He grins and I know I’ll get nothing out of him.

  ‘I can count on her support then,’ I say instead.

  ‘Indeed, you can.’

  ‘Robert is a different matter,’ I add and pull a face.

  ‘That’s not a surprise.’

  ‘He’s an odd choice for her.’

  ‘From your point of view, but you don’t know either of them.’

  ‘He’s so serious and she’s so vivacious and warm.’

  ‘I can’t say I know him well. The likes of him don’t mix with the likes of us.’

  I frown. ‘But Kitty does.’

  ‘Kitty’s different. Kitty’s classless. Now come here. I’m not driving you back until you’ve paid me in kind for my hospitality. You’ve been here all day and you owe me.’

  I laugh and climb onto the bed. He holds me tightly. How well we fit together. ‘Is this how all the women pay you for their rides?’ My comment is loaded.

  He looks at me. ‘Just you, Faye,’ he says. ‘There are no other women.’

  I smile happily. That’s the answer I wanted.

  Cormac drops me back at the White House and I find Kitty in the sitting room with her sister Elspeth, side by side on the sofa. From the tray of empty teacups and cake I can see that they’ve been here for some time. ‘Ah, you’re back,’ Kitty says. ‘I have a message for you from Wyatt.’

  The mention of Wyatt punctures my good mood. I wonder how he has found me, seeing as I never left my details with his secretary. I suppose there aren’t many hotels in Ballinakelly and, as I’m the local novelty, everyone knows where I’m staying. ‘What did he want?’

  ‘To know how you’re getting on. I told him you’re well and enjoying Ireland.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  Kitty gives me a sympathetic look. The look of someone who knows where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to and how unwelcome the mention of my husband will be.

  ‘I hear you’re seeing the sights,’ says Elspeth. Kitty watches me from the sofa. Her expression is inscrutable but I sense her collusion.

  ‘Cormac O’Farrell has been very kind and shown me around,’ I say. It’s better to hide in plain sight than to blatantly lie. I hope I have managed to give nothing away in my demeanour.

  ‘Oh, Cormac, he’s quite a character,’ says Elspeth. She laughs and glances at her sister. ‘He must be thrilled you’re giving him something to do!’

  I’m affronted on Cormac’s behalf. As far as I know he’s a man who keeps himself busy. I can’t jump to his defence without exposing my feelings for him, but Kitty can. ‘Cormac’s one of those men who does a bit of everything,’ she says. ‘He’s never wanted to be conventional or tied down. His life may be unusual but it’s happy. I don’t know anyone as contented as him.’

  I smile at her gratefully. ‘I don’t know him,’ I say with a shrug. ‘But he seems contented to me. He’s good company. I’m lucky to have found him. After all, I haven’t come all this way just to find out about my mother, but also to see the country of her birth. He’s an enthusiastic guide.’

  Elspeth gives me a teasing look. ‘Do be careful, Faye, Cormac’s quite a ladies’ man and you’re a married woman a long way from home.’ She laughs because she does not realize how close she has come to the truth.

  ‘Don’t worry, Elspeth,’ I say. ‘I’m very capable of looking after myself.’

  Kitty smiles knowingly. ‘There’s nothing wrong with a healthy flirt,’ she says, but her sister’s face snaps into a disapproving frown.

  ‘Oh Kitty! Shame on you!’ she exclaims. ‘Peter would not consider any type of flirting healthy.’ She looks at me seriously. ‘Don’t listen to my sister, Faye. She’s talking nonsense. Ro
bert wouldn’t approve of a healthy flirt either and I’m sure Wyatt is the same. No man wants to be made to look a fool.’

  I watch Kitty. Her face does not change. She gives nothing away. Although Cormac did not specifically say she had an affair, he didn’t deny it. If she did, it would certainly explain her readiness to collude. ‘Is Wyatt going to call me back?’ I ask her.

  ‘No, he said not to worry. He just wanted to make sure you’re okay.’

  ‘Did you tell him who you are?’

  ‘I did. I told him you have a very large family here. He sounded surprised.’

  ‘Like me, he believed Mom’s relations had all died.’

  ‘Isn’t that extraordinary,’ says Elspeth incredulously. ‘To turn your back on your home and your family and spend the rest of your life denying they even exist. What makes a person do that?’

  I catch Kitty’s eye. ‘Hurt,’ Kitty says simply. ‘Aunt Tussy was very hurt.’

  ‘Why?’ Elspeth asks and I know Kitty will not tell her. She won’t want anyone to know Arethusa’s story before her father knows. If Elspeth is appalled at the thought of harmless flirting, she will be horrified by Arethusa falling in love with a black man – I almost want to tell her just to see her face.

  ‘Faye is reading the diary, aren’t you, Faye?’ says Kitty.

  ‘I am, but it’s long and detailed and I haven’t had much time lately.’

  The corners of Kitty’s mouth twitch and I am glad to see that she is not such an accomplished actress after all. ‘It’s a big county and there’s much to see,’ she says.

  ‘I will read some more tonight,’ I reply. But I don’t want to know what happens next. I’m beginning to get the measure of my mother and I fear her infatuation with Jonas Madison did not stop at healthy flirting.

  Kitty and Robert have asked Peter and Elspeth for dinner, and another couple who live the other side of Bandon called Purdy and Petula Padmore. I laugh when Petula tells me her children’s names, Patrick, Paul and Patricia, all begin with the same letter. How very confusing it must be. Purdy is the shape of a toad, with a round belly, a shiny red face and expressive, bulbous eyes the colour of blue topaz. His wife is pretty in a masculine way with short black hair and an angular face. She is so thin it is as if she has been rolled on. Both are exuberant characters and very funny. Even Robert laughs at their jokes. They are a team, bouncing their witty repartee off each other and keeping us all entertained. I warm to them immediately.