It was always strange being in Jace’s apartment, as if being there made him more real. Sometimes when they weren’t together or even when they were together at her place, he still seemed a bit like a dream, like if she made the wrong move, she’d wake up and he’d be gone. But here, on his turf, away from her reality, he was solid. He was real.
Looking around, his apartment reminded her of Ben’s old place in a way. It didn’t matter who they were, boys were so alike and Ben and his roommate had been typical boys like Jace. As long as they had a TV and gaming system, they were happy.
She closed her eyes, remembering those times in Ben’s apartment and she suddenly missed him so much, the crippling pain creeping its way back into her heart. Her mind was flooded with their times together and all she had lost and it was worse with everything going on in her life with Jace and especially Luke. She had been certain she would marry Ben. Never in a million years would she have guessed he’d be gone after only three years of being in her life and she would now be sitting in this new apartment with a new guy and the attachment to Ben’s brother growing stronger every day. Her mind became overwhelmed with the grief, and she clutched her stomach, suddenly feeling a wave of nausea from everything that had been taken away, another painful reminder of what she would never have with Ben.
You have to stop this! Kathryn said in her mind pounding her forehead. Stop! Stop! Stop! She continued to say to herself. Here she was in the home of an incredible guy and all she could think about was Ben and what could never be. She felt her eyes brim with tears, but she forced them to go away. Jace could not see her as a blubbering fool all the time. He was going to get fed up with it quickly. She was amazed he had put up with it this long.
“I’m back,” Jace’s voice said cutting through her thoughts a few moments later. She looked up at him and smiled as he stood in a navy blue t-shirt and jeans that hung a little too long past his feet and were frayed some on the bottom.
“That was fast.”
“I didn’t want to leave you hangin’ too long,” he said and then looked up and met her eyes. “Hey…are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said as he sat down beside her.
“You look like you’ve been crying,” he said putting his hand on her knee.
“No, I’m good,” she said and then stared at him, becoming overwhelmed with her thoughts of Ben from earlier. “Actually…I should go,” she said standing up.
“What do you mean? You just got here.”
“I know. I’m sorry, but I should go. I just barged in on you and it was rude of me. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, please don’t go,” he said standing up in front of her. “Please,” he said again taking her hand.
“I’m not being fair to you,” she finally said.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you and me…I’m not being fair to you,” she said again.
“I don’t understand,” he said staring at her and she looked away and then he began to comprehend. “Does this have anything to do with Ben?”
She nodded.
“I told you I understand about you and him.”
“I know you said that, but it’s still not right. I can’t expect you to understand.”
“But I do, at least I think I do…as best as I can anyway. I get that you miss him and that you’ll always love him. I wouldn’t ever ask you to stop that, but I hate seeing you so sad all the time.”
“But that’s who I am Jace. I wish you could’ve known me before Ben died. I wasn’t always like this. I was happy. I was fun,” she said as the tears streamed slowly down her face.
Jace stood almost frozen. He reached his hand out nervously, and then it dropped to his side, almost as if he was afraid to touch her. She looked up into his dark eyes and she knew he wanted to come to her, but she’d put up a barrier that scared him. He’d been trying to get close to her and every time he made an inch of progress, she’d go running back a mile.
“I don’t want to know the you before Ben died because I happen to like the you I know now and I doubt they’d be the same person,” he said softly, still keeping the space between them.
“I’m a mess and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be a mess. I’ll probably always be a mess and you don’t deserve this. You deserve someone who won’t start crying at the drop of a hat. You can’t be the only one giving and I can’t keep taking from you.”
“You do give to me. You share your strength with me. Every time I’m with you and I see how much you love Sarah and how much you’ve overcome and every day you get up and you go on when you could so easily give up. But you don’t,” he said intensely, finally stepping towards her and taking her hand. “And I do deserve you because you are who I want to be with.”
She stared at him for a moment before drawing her eyes to the floor, wiping away the tears and shaking her head, unable to accept his words. He couldn’t mean it. There was no way he could mean it, but then she felt his arms around her and she realized he did mean it. He meant every word he said. She started sobbing. It was the first time she’d really broken down in front of him, but she didn’t care. She needed too. She needed to at that moment. She needed his support and she had it. She knew undoubtedly she had it.
“When Ben died,” she sobbed quietly, her head still buried in his chest. “I thought my world was over, but then when I found out I was pregnant, it was like I had another chance with him. When Sarah was born it was like I had him back, and it’s been amazing, but it hurts to look at her sometimes because I know she’ll never know him. She’ll never meet her father and it’s just been so much harder to deal with than I thought because I wonder what could’ve been.” He was stroking her hair now as she began to calm down. “And now…and now since I’ve found you,” she said softly, stepping back from his embrace and taking his hands. “Well, it’s the first time since everything happened that I feel like…well, that there’s hope again. I know we haven’t known each other that long, but…I want to give in to everything I’m feeling for you, but whenever I think I can, I become overwhelmed with...with everything.”
He stared hard at her with a look of caring, concern, and if she wasn’t mistaken, a slight look of fear as well.
“I’m sorry Jace,” she said making another attempt to leave.
“No, Kathryn. I…I just really don’t know what to say. Please sit down,” he said pulling her gently back beside him as he led them to the couch. “I just wonder if you’re really ready to move on. I can’t understand everything you’ve been through, but I’m trying to understand and I want to help you through it. I just don’t want to pressure you into anything you’re not ready for.”
“I want to be ready,” she said quietly.
“Believe me,” he said smiling at her, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes. “I want you to be ready too. I think you know I like you, and you’re right, we haven’t known each other that long, but I know that I really like spending time with you.”
“I don’t understand how you can be so patient with me,” she said looking up at him and his smile brought comfort to her whole body. He reached over and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her like he’d always been there. She couldn’t explain it, but there was something about Jace that just felt right. She pulled back from him and looked up at him, pulling herself towards him. She stared into his eyes and he held her closer before she leaned in and kissed him softly. She pulled back, making sure it was okay.
“Why’d you stop?” he smiled, and then leaned in and kissed her, sending shivers throughout her entire body.
Chapter 42
She felt such a relief now that everything, well, almost everything, was out in the open. Jace didn’t need to know anything about Luke because it wasn’t an issue.
She and Jace had spent the afternoon watching TV and talking. He’d made them grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, to commemorate the first meal they’d shared together. She had joked with him that he should keep
his day job as a mechanic. He’d punched her playfully and then hugged her.
As she drove back to her apartment she felt content at how the day had turned around. It seemed as if it had been a lifetime ago that Luke was in her bedroom holding her after her epic meltdown, although it had just been last night. But now, her thoughts were only on Jace and how he made her feel.
Sarah was asleep in her arms after a fun day with her grandmother and Kathryn was smiling when she walked inside the apartment. The lights were on, which meant Luke should be home, but the apartment seemed empty. She walked Sarah into her room and after changing her into her pajamas, she laid her in her crib and then went back out to the living room to try and catch up on some homework.
She nearly jumped out of her skin when the back door opened and Luke walked in.
“Oh my gosh!” she exclaimed grabbing her chest trying to calm her pounding heart. “You scared the crap out of me!”
“Sorry,” he said. “I thought you knew I was outside.”
“No, I didn’t. I had no clue where you were. I haven’t seen you all day.”
“Yeah, I had some stuff to take care of this morning so I needed to get an early start,” he said elusively.
“I was up at seven o’clock with Sarah and you were already gone. What could’ve required an earlier start then that?”
He still stood by the sliding glass door, looking down at her with annoyance.
“We’re not married. You don’t have to know everything I do.”
Kathryn could feel her mouth hanging open, not quite knowing how to react to his comment.
“I know that Luke,” she replied. “I was just concerned because I hadn’t seen you all day.”
“It’s nice to know you still care,” he said sarcastically.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, setting the textbook down she’d been reading through.
“Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything Kathryn,” he said walking past her.
“Hey, wait,” she said angrily. “Don’t just walk away.”
Luke stopped and slowly turned around to look at her again. The look on his face was so sad, so vulnerable, so hurt.
“What Kathryn?” he asked, his voice heavy with defeat.
“Can we talk about this?”
“What’s there to talk about?”
“Don’t be like this.”
“I’m not being like anything,” he said calmly.
“I don’t like how things have been between us lately.”
“And how’s that been? The fact that you want to be with me or the fact that you won’t admit it?”
Her mouth was open again, her throat suddenly dry and unable to say anything. Luke continued to stare down at her. He wasn’t being smug or sarcastic. She’d never seen him look more serious.
“Luke, that’s…I don’t know…you just can’t…” she stuttered until he cut her off.
“You can’t even deny it,” he said gazing down at her and she knew he was right. She couldn’t deny it because she still couldn’t make heads or tails of her feelings for Luke.
“Nothing is going on between us. It was a mistake,” she forced herself to say.
“It didn’t feel like a mistake when you kissed me,” he said his voice becoming soft as he stood with his arms folded across his chest, his mouth chiseled into a stern frown.
“Why are you doing this? Everything was great between us. We were friends and now we can’t even be that because of this…this thing between us that you keep pushing.”
“So you’re still blaming this all on me? It takes two Kathryn and I’ve never forced you to do anything. In fact, you’ve instigated a lot of it.”
“I was confused and if you think about it you’ll see that you were confused too. But it’s gotta stop.”
“So that’s it? You and me are just…done? After everything we’ve been through? What happened to always being there for each other? Did that mean anything to you?”
“Of course it did and it still does.”
“Then why can’t you admit how you feel about me? I’ve felt it and I know you have too.”
“Because I can’t deal with this…with you!” she said raising her voice and his eyes softened with hurt and surprise. “You’re a constant reminder of him, but I can’t share with you what I shared with him. Why can’t you understand that?”
“Because I know it’s not true. You wouldn’t be so upset if you didn’t care…if you didn’t feel something too,” he said staring insistently into her eyes.
“I do care about you Luke, about us and our friendship, but that’s all it is…friendship,” she said gently, trying to get him to accept this, or maybe she was trying to get herself to accept it, but as she looked up at his handsome face, the face that reminded her so much of Ben, she couldn’t ignore the doubt she felt in her heart. What if he was right? She did love Luke. He was a good friend and he understood what she had lost. He was kind and funny, but she quickly shook her head then, pushing the thoughts from her mind. The idea was crazy and only born of confusion and the desire to have Ben back in her life. At least that’s what she told herself.
“Friends,” he nodded slowly, his eyes breaking their gaze and staring down at the hardwood floor. “Got it, pal,” he said sarcastically, a sad smirk spread across his face. He turned and took a few steps toward the hall, but then turned around and looked at her once more. “Um,” he began, his eyes looking past her, lost in thought. “I think I’m going to stay at my parent’s house for a while.”
“What?” she exclaimed. “Why?”
“I think it’s better for both of us.”
“No, it’s not,” she said quickly, suddenly terrified by the thought of him leaving.
“I’m not going to hang around and stand by when I know how we both feel. I’ve been doing it since you started going out with Ben in high school and I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch you with him anymore,” he said gently, obviously referring to Jace.
“Don’t do this Luke. Please,” she said as her eyes blurred with tears.
“Goodnight Kate.”
He didn’t even smile. He just turned and walked to his room. As his figure faded into the distance, she wanted to run after him. She hated that it to be this way between them. She didn’t want to lose him, but now he was just walking away and she feared it would be forever
****
She hardly slept that night. She wanted so badly to go to Luke and beg him not to leave. The thought of coming home to an empty apartment terrified her. She didn’t want to be alone and if Luke left, she would be alone, truly alone, the thing she’d feared the most since Ben died. She didn’t go to him though. She knew only one thing would make him stay, and she couldn’t say it to him.
She got up early to get Sarah ready to drop off at the Bradley’s so she could go to class. She heard the shower running when she walked across the hall into Sarah’s room to wake her up. She was sitting in her crib, looking around as if she’d been waiting for her mom to come get her.
“Good morning my baby,” she said, grinning at Sarah and scooping her up and planting a big kiss on her cheek. Sarah giggled and threw her arms around Kathryn. After changing Sarah’s diaper, they walked into the kitchen where Kathryn put Sarah in her highchair and poured her some Cheerios. She got herself a bowl too and together, they ate their breakfast.
When they were done, she put the dishes in the sink, picked up Sarah and headed back to Sarah’s room to get her dressed for the day. She passed Luke’s room on the way and she glanced inside. He was standing in a pair of jeans and a white undershirt by his bed. His hair was still wet and she could smell the fresh scent of his aftershave. He had a duffel bag on his bed and was putting clothes inside. He was leaving, just as he told her he was last night. Kathryn planned on walking by without saying anything to him, but Sarah had other plans.
“Luuuuke!” she called out to him. He instantly turned around and smiled warmly at his niece.
&n
bsp; “Hey Sare Bear,” he said walking over and kissing her on the top of the head. Sarah stretched for him and Kathryn handed her to Luke.
“So, uh, you’re really leaving,” Kathryn said quietly, motioning towards the bag.
“Yeah,” he said simply, not looking up from Sarah.
“Is this like…forever?” she asked and she could feel herself choking up. “Or are you coming back?”
He finally looked up at her and shrugged his shoulders.
“I don’t know,” he replied.
“You don’t have to do this, ya know. You could stay. I want you to stay.”
He continued looking at her, as if pondering what to say.
“I can’t stay. Not right now anyway.”
“But why?”
“I told you last night,” he sighed. “Even now as we’re standing here, all I can think about is kissing you,” he said quietly and his cheeks turned red from embarrassment. Kathryn felt herself blush too.
“Kiss!” Sarah exclaimed reaching up and kissing Luke, who started laughing.
“That’s why I can’t stay. I need some space right now.”
“For how long?” she demanded, knowing she had no right to do so.
“I don’t know,” he answered.
“This is going to kill her. You know that, don’t you?” Kathryn choked out gesturing to Sarah.
“She was going to have to get used to me not being around all the time someday, and now’s as good a time as any,” he said quietly and then shook his head before adding. “This whole idea, of me moving in with you was ridiculous. I realize that now. This playing house thing did nothing but confuse Sarah when we were supposed to be helping her.”
“We weren’t playing house and it wasn’t ridiculous. You saved me Luke. It was not ridiculous,” she said as a few tears escaped, which she quickly wiped away with the back of her hand.
After the Sky Fell Down Page 32
