by Мишель Роуэн
Angel with Attitude
Мишель Роуэн
When you’re hot for a demon, you might as well kiss your halo good-bye…
Falling naked into the killer whale tank at MarineLand is always bad news, but it’s a real bummer when you’ve just been kicked out of Heaven. Former angel Valerie Grace is determined to reverse her banishment – Earth’s just no fun.
Her best friend is a slightly perverted human-turned-rat, and she’s being tailed by a sexy Tempter Demon named Nathaniel, who’s trying to lure her to hell with kisses that are almost worth the trip. With the talking rodent sneaking peeks down her shirt and Nathaniel getting more irresistible every minute, this ex-angel has only one hope: find the stolen Key to Heaven and go home.
So You’re A Fallen Angel . . .
Now What?
Golden Scroll Edition 2.1
Your misdeeds in Heaven have led to this unfortunate situation. You only have yourself to blame, but here are a few guidelines that may help to ease your way.
Do
* Find somewhere safe to live.
* Eat regularly. Three meals a day is standard for human sustenance.
* Study the behavior and interactions of other humans so you will be able to fit in with them.
Suggestion: watch television and go to the movies. Also, observe real humans in everyday activity.
Do Not
* Tell anyone you are a fallen one. They will not believe you, and probably will think that you are simply insane. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
How Do You Return to Heaven?
You don’t. But do your best to make the most of your situation. Be good. Help others. Do good deeds. At the end of your human life (approximately 70 years), you may have balanced the scales for whatever you were originally expelled for. It is unlikely, but you never know about these things. However, if you die by natural or unnatural causes before this balance has been reached, the doors of Heaven will forever be closed to you.
Warning
Be wary of any stranger who takes an interest in your safety and well-being. Tempter Demons are assigned to lure fallen ones to Hell for an eternity of torturous servitude. TEMPTER DEMONS ARE VERY DANGEROUS. Their methods are underhanded and almost impossible to resist. You will know one when you see one. Remember to: JUST SAY NO! Do not let your guard down when confronted with a Tempter or you will regret it. Big time.
Good luck! You’re going to need it.
The Management
Chapter One
Falling out of Heaven is the easy part. It’s landing that’s difficult.
Luckily—or unluckily, as the case may be—someone up there had a strange sense of humor.
She could have landed anywhere in the earthly realm. Pavement, grass, the middle of the ocean . . .
. . . MarineLand in Niagara Falls. Or, more precisely, the killer whale tank at MarineLand.
Plop.
The cold water jarred her from her free-fall daze and she thrashed about, eyes wide. What just happened? She’d been reading a scroll. A golden scroll somebody had thrust into her hands.
Something about the rules of being a fallen angel, and then . . . then what?
She swallowed a large mouthful of water and started to choke before she slipped under.
And then somebody pushed me.
Somebody pushed her out of Heaven.
Son of a b—
She bobbed above the water and gasped for air before going under again. Then suddenly she felt herself forcefully yanked above the waterline. Somebody had hold of her upper arm.
Ouch. An extremely tight hold.
Her first impression of being a human? Pain sucked.
The large black-and-white killer whale—where did it get that name from, anyhow? she thought with growing panic—nudged her leg curiously as she was dragged out of the tank.
She could hear applause and cheers from somewhere, but her vision was too blurry to see more than just shapes and colors.
“Miss? What exactly do you think you’re doing? Is this some sort of joke?”
She opened her mouth to respond with, “Mahhhhh.” This actually meant: “I need to go back to Heaven. There’s been a huge mistake. Somebody, anybody, help me!,” but her first incomprehensible word was followed with a, “Bahhhh.”
The blurry dot of a human peered closer at her. “Are you okay?”
She knew enough to shake her head. No. She wasn’t okay. Not even close to being okay.
“Where did you come from?”
She blinked at the human, then pointed up. He followed the direction of her finger, then looked at her with confusion.
“I . . . I . . . fell from . . . ,” she began, happy she could finally speak, but then abruptly shut her mouth.
What had the golden scroll said? Do not tell anyone you are a fallen one . . . Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
She rubbed her eyes, which helped make the human, who turned out to be a uniformed security guard, a little less blurry, then wracked her equally blurry mind for something to say.
Anything. “I . . . I . . . was skydiving. My . . . chute didn’t open.”
She couldn’t believe her ears. She’d just lied for the first time. And actually, it sounded pretty good, all things considered.
The applause slowed, and a male voice shouted above the crowd: “Dude! She’s, like, totally naked! Get the camera!”
She swallowed and looked down at herself. “Uh . . . nude skydiving. It’s the latest thing.
Haven’t you heard?”
The security guard was having a difficult time keeping his attention fully on her face and his expression turned skeptical. “Nude skydiving. Right.”
Okay, maybe she wasn’t as good a liar as she’d thought.
“Where am I?” she managed.
“MarineLand.” At her frown of confusion, he continued, “In Niagara Falls.”
Niagara Falls. That meant that she just fell . . . to the Falls?
She looked up at the clouds and shot whomever might be watching a very dirty look.
“What’s the date today?”
“Are you kidding?”
“I wish I was. Date? What is it?”
“It’s September the thirtieth. A Saturday. Good enough?” He eyed her warily. “What’s your name?”
She knew this one. She didn’t seem to have anything else, but she did have a name. “It’s V-v-
valerie. Valerie Grace.”
He frowned, then reached into his pocket. “Then this must be yours. I was just about to turn it in to lost and found.”
It was a small, black leather wallet. After closer inspection, she discovered it contained a birth certificate with her name on it and a hundred dollars in cash. There was also a torn piece of paper with the handwritten words “Paradise Inn” and an address.
The security guard tapped the paper. “That motel’s just around the corner. Are you staying there?”
It hurt to think. “I . . . I guess I might be.”
Somebody approached from behind and was trying to slip something over her head.
Remembering what the scroll said, she instinctively began to fight against whomever or whatever it was. “Demon!” she shrieked. “Get away from me!”
“No,” the security guard assured her. “It’s only a T-shirt, Ms. Grace. To cover you up. I think the crowd has gotten enough pictures today, don’t you think? Why don’t I get a taxi for you?
Then you can go back to your motel and maybe . . . rest a bit?”
She clutched his arm. “Have you seen any demons? They’re very dangerous. I have to get back to Heaven as soon as possible. This is all a horrible, horrible mistake.”
The water in the tank had been very cold and she
started to shiver as the sun disappeared behind some clouds in the otherwise clear sky.
The guard eyed her strangely. “Let’s start with the taxi, shall we?”
Get hold of yourself, Valerie, she commanded herself. The golden scroll was right. Anyone who listened to her would think she was insane. She’d been human for only five minutes and even she could see that.
She nodded at him and tried not to cry.
This was a mistake. She hadn’t done anything to warrant this. She had to go back. They’d take her back, wouldn’t they? She’d always been an angel, it was all she knew. All she ever wanted to know.
The security guard shuffled her through the swelling crowd. As they passed a group of four leering teenage boys, he confiscated a digital camera to their loud and angry protests.
All a mistake.
Huge.
She got in a taxi and left MarineLand headed for the Paradise Inn with three things to her name. A complimentary BOOM BOOM THE KILLER WHALE oversized T-shirt, the security guard’s home phone number (“we should get together for drinks when you’re feeling better”), and the absolute, unwavering determination to get back to Heaven as soon as humanly possible.
You’ve got to be kidding me, Val thought with despair. Is this part of my punishment, too?
The taxi had let her off in front of a run-down motel just off the main strip of Niagara Falls.
She stood in place in her oversized T-shirt, her long, wet blond hair hanging like a drippy curtain over her right shoulder, clutching the wallet against her chest, and just stared at the
Paradise Inn.
All Val had ever known in her existence had been Heaven. And Heaven, as was common knowledge, was perfect. Whatever one’s idea of perfection was, that is how Heaven became to suit them. Beauty as far as the eye could see, clean and comfortable and flawless in every way.
This, however, was a whole other story.
The Paradise Inn had seen better days. To say the least. It was run-down, with roof tiles missing and a big crack in the tacky fifties-style sign. It looked tired and old and only days away from being demolished.
Val closed her eyes for a moment and tried to think of Heaven. It wasn’t cold there, for one thing. Always the perfect temperature. She never felt alone because there was always someone with her or very close by. She felt needed there, not discarded like a bubblegum wrapper. She knew what to expect and that there was nothing to fear there. And, also . . . also—
She frowned. She knew what it was like, how great it was, but as she tried to picture it, the images in her head started to become a little fuzzy. She opened her eyes again and swallowed hard, feeling a wave of panic flood her as she saw where she really was.
It was one thing to be abandoned, when it was so obviously a mistake, but to be led to an obvious dead end like this?
Her bottom lip wobbled. Maybe the nice cab driver—who had seemed so surprised to pick up a half-naked woman that he didn’t even complain about the fact she was slightly soggy from her unexpected nosedive into the tank—would take her somewhere better than this.
Somewhere appropriate where she could think about what she was going to do next, in comfort and luxury.
She turned back to the cab just as it pulled away from the curb.
“Wait!” she called, but it was too late.
She swallowed hard. The street was fairly busy. She could see another yellow taxi in the distance. She raised her hand as it approached.
But it didn’t stop. Instead it drove right through a puddle, drenching Val in a small tidal wave of cold water. She sputtered and wiped at her face.
Her bottom lip began to wobble again.
She turned back around to face the motel.
PARADISE INN. VACANCY.
Lucky me, she thought. There’s a vacancy. Woo-hoo.
Just then, she heard a strange sound. She frowned and listened, then turned around to see that it was squealing tires. A rusty Volkswagen Jetta came to a screeching halt next to her. The passenger door flew open, and a man flew out who hit the sidewalk hard. The door slammed shut and the car sped off.
The man got to his feet, brushed off his faded jeans, and yelled, “Claire, baby! Come on . . . I didn’t do anything wrong!” He sighed heavily, and turned to glance absently at Val. “My girlfriend. She’s the jealous type. No reason to be though.” His gaze slowly tracked down
Val’s wet BOOM-BOOM-THE-KILLER-WHALE-T-shirt-and-nothing-else clad body.
“Well, hello there, beautiful.”
She looked at him warily. He was pleasant looking. A few inches taller than she, and with brown hair that was definitely receding. He smiled, which slightly showed off his crooked teeth and she noted that his brown eyes were friendly. She felt goose bumps form on her arms and took a step back.
“You’re a demon, aren’t you?” she asked quietly.
“I’m a what?”
“Demon. Please leave me alone. Don’t come any closer.”
He stared at her blankly, then laughed. “Is that what Claire called me before she took off?
She’s so cute. Must be a new pet name.”
Val frowned at him, not sure what to think or do next.
He wagged a finger at her. “Don’t I know you?”
She shook her head and shifted her bare feet nervously against the cool sidewalk.
“No, I know you. Those legs. Unforgettable.” He snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it. That strip club down on Barrister Road . . . What’s it called again? . . . Booty Call? Yeah, that’s it.
You’re a strip . . . er”—he cleared his throat—“I mean . . . exotic dancer.”
“Booty what?”
“Not that I go there anymore. Nah. Me and Claire, we’ve got something special between us.
She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He sighed and stared off in the direction of the speeding Jetta.
Val glanced in the same direction. “Claire is the woman who just threw you out of her car?”
He smiled dreamily and leaned his shoulder against the Pardise Inn signpost. “That’s the one.”
“And . . . you think I’m a . . . an exotic dancer?”
“Nothing to be ashamed of, gorgeous. Noble profession.”
“I’m not.” Val looked down at herself to note that the now wet T-shirt was, in fact, see-
through. She crossed her arms. “Seriously. I’m not.”
“If you say so,” he grinned. “What’s your name, gorgeous?”
“Valerie Grace.”
“I’m Reggie.” He reached out to shake her tentative hand. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to
. . . hey, you can let go now.”
She clutched his hand. “I need to go back. You have to help me.”
“Ow! You’ve got a grip on you, you know that?”
“I don’t belong here.” She swallowed hard and realized she was tearing up again. This man seemed nice enough. He couldn’t be a demon. He would have tried to tempt her by now, and she certainly didn’t feel very tempted, if that was worth anything. And if he was a demon, well, he seemed like a very nice one who meant no harm. He’d help her, wouldn’t he?
Grabbing the nearest thing seemed like her best course of action. The nearest thing, in this case, was his hand. Currently turning purple.
“So if you don’t belong here, then leave! My hand! Alone!” He yanked away from her and looked at her warily. “Where are you from, anyhow?”
“Heaven.” She sniffed, ran a hand under her nose and tried not to cry. She turned her gaze away to stare at the seedy motel.
“Heaven.” He frowned.“Is that another strip club? What town is that in?”
“It’s not a strip club.” She was about to tell him about what happened to her. That they’d kicked her out of Heaven for no reason. That it was a huge mistake because she’d never done anything to deserve this kind of treatment. She was a great angel! Her last job review had even said so. And management always did very detailed report
scrolls. What had hers said again? She thought about it and came up blank. She frowned. Why couldn’t she remember?
She wiped a tear away. “It’s been a really bad day. That’s all. Sorry for freaking out a bit.”
Reggie shook his head. “The beautiful ones are always a bit nutty. My girlfriend is, too.
Totally understandable. Probably your time of the month, right?”
“My what?”
He waved his hand. “Forget I asked. So, are you staying here?” Reggie nodded at the motel.
She swallowed. “Not if I can help it.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
She pulled the ratty piece of paper out of her wallet and showed it to him. He squinted at it, then took it away from her.
“Oh, you must be here for the job,” he said.
“For the what?” She glanced at the paper and was surprised to see that the motel name and address wasn’t the only thing written on it anymore.
It also had “B. Barlow,” and “1:00 P.M.” on it. It hadn’t said that before, she was almost positive. Then again, since her plunge, she hadn’t really been thinking clearly.
“I’ll let him know you’re here,” Reggie said, and before Val could say anything, he headed for the center section of the U-shaped motel, where a sign read MANAGER’S OFFICE.
Her immediate thought was to run away, to flee, but where was she going to go? She needed somewhere safe to stay. Somewhere she could think about what to do next. Figure out how to get in contact with somebody Up There to help sort things out. So she could go back.
She crossed her arms protectively in front of her, shivering from being wet for too long.
Before she had a chance to have second thoughts about not running away, Reggie emerged from the office with a white-haired old man who eyed her curiously as they approached.
“You’re here for the job?” the old man asked her.
Reggie snatched the paper out of her hand and showed it to him before she could say anything. Not that she knew what to say.
The old man looked up from the paper, crooked a white eyebrow, and smiled at her. A warm, friendly smile that made deep lines fan out from his blue eyes. “That will not do for a uniform, I’m afraid, young lady.”
