Anyways, one of the lads in here, his missus brought their computer in for repair after it picked up a virus. The repair bloke showed her all these websites and images that were on his hard drive. Some nasty stuff as well apparently.
Even though he’d always cleared the history, it’s still always there on the computer. She kicked him out of the house for a couple of weeks, and only let him back in after he agreed he’d go to a therapist to talk about his ‘problem’. Gobshite. It worked out great for me though, as ever since then I found that more and more, the lads just wanted the porn from me list, so I started addin’ more and more of them.
The classics at first; Romancing the Bone, Forrest Hump, Jurassic Pork, Shaving Ryan’s Privates, Sherlock Bones. Then I started gettin’ a few specific requests. Just lesbian or just Asians or a hundred other fetishes, so now I scour the web and can please most tastes. I have a few grand’s worth of equipment at home and buy special software to download and convert the films. I’m actually pretty proud of me work.
I make more from the DVD sales now than I do from workin’ in here thirty seven and a half hours a week sortin’ mail. I’d like to pack in the day job but this is where most of me sales come from. Not just the guys that work in here, but their friends, and the friends of their friends. Like a pyramid effect with me at the top.
I don’t have any female customers, as far as I know, unless there’s one or two of them down the chain, which is strange as it’s mostly females that work in and run the porn industry. They even get paid a lot more than the men. Unless you’re someone like a Ron Jeremy, or a Steven St. Croix, or even a Randy Spears. Those guys get the big bucks. And yet even the fact that it’s mostly the women in charge, they have very little to do with the end product. It’s final use. It’s generally only the men who have need or want for the finished goods.
Less than an hour before I’m out of here. I think leavin’ here on a Friday is the only time in the whole week that I can honestly say that I feel good. That I’m... well, almost happy.
Churchtown, Dublin 14. Ballyfermot, Dublin 10. Tallaght, Dublin 24.
Christ, it’s fuckin’ roastin’ today. I’ve got twenty two sheets of DVD requests in me bag, so I’ve a busy weekend ahead. I’m supposed to be goin’ out with the mates later. I wouldn’t bother but me cousin Charlie’s goin’ to be there, and he hasn’t been out with us in ages, and besides we always go out on this date every year. I need to get out of that room for a while anyway. Lately whenever I close me eyes, all I can see are naked bodies ridin’ each other.
I once seen Charlie in this porno I was downloadin’. I never told him. He was goin’ at these two forty-year-old women to beat the band. Ridin’ them like the clappers. That’s the only one I ever seen him in, but I bet he’s done more. Besides that though, me bedroom’s going to be fuckin’ meltin’ with all the computers on full blast.
Me Ma’s been goin’ ape shit lately at the size of the electricity bills she’s been gettin’. I’d better throw her a few extra quid to keep her quiet. I should just get me own place, and I was goin’ to once because me mam... well, I don’t want to talk about it, but I didn’t in the end.
Now that me da is retired, he’s always hangin’ around the place too. He used to be a fireman in town. When I left school he tried to get me into the fire brigade, but the try-out was a bleedin’ disaster.
I was given this thirty foot length of hose and told to run across the yard, and then climb a fifty foot ladder. I was even a lot trimmer and fitter back then. Definitely under twenty stone anyway. I says to the fella, ‘what? Are you bleedin’ mad?’ But everyone had to do it. On top of that, it was a scorcher of a day like today.
As I was runnin’, the hose slipped over me shoulder and started wrappin’ round me neck, like some fuckin’ giant anaconda that was squeezin’ every last drop of sweat out of me. I fell flat on me face. When I managed to lift me head off the tarmac, I had all these tiny black pebbles indented into the side of me face, and I seen me dad walkin’ off in disgust.
That winter I finally got a job workin’ on this half-finished five-storey building down in the docklands. There weren’t even any bleedin’ windows in the thing. It was fuckin’ freezin’. Me hands were in pain and red raw all the time. Anyways, one day I was takin’ a crap on the third floor, when there’s all this bangin’ on the door.
‘Who the fuck’s in there?’ the foreman was screamin’.
It took a lot of effort to stand up and pull back on me jocks and trousers. When I opened the door, the foreman’s standin’ there and he grabs me by the scruff of the neck. I seen these three other lads behind him and they’re tryin’ not to break their shite laughin’. I didn’t know what the fuck was goin’ on.
‘What the fuck are you doin’ in there?’ he yells at me.
‘I was just...’ I started to say.
‘The toilet’s not connected, you moron,’ he spits into me face. ‘You’re shittin’ on my men down there.’
To be honest, I didn’t last much longer after that. It was only November, and I heard they weren’t fitting the windows till March. Besides that though, everyone was callin’ me by my new nickname, ‘Shitter’. It was a source of enormous embarrassment for me – ‘Pass me the trowel, Shitter.’ ‘Tell, Paddy he’s wanted on the phone, Shitter.’ ‘Hey, Shitter, ask them to put some extra brown sauce on mine.’ Stuff like that.
I started workin’ for An Post after that. First I was a postman, but it was takin’ me too long to deliver the mail, and I wasn’t gettin’ back till nearly five o’clock every day. Also, I couldn’t reach any of the letterboxes that were at the bottom of the doors.
They only copped the long hours when some heads from the GPO turned up to find out how the inspector was earnin’ two grand a week. He had to wait for me to come back to the depot every day before he was able to go home, and he was puttin’ in for all this mad overtime. It was costin’ them a bleddin’ fortune so they moved me to the Dublin Mail Centre on the Nangor Road, even though technically it’s a promotion to Grade Two. I was glad to get out of that delivery office anyway. It was only one step away from a fully licensed mental institution. And a very short step at that.
It’s only in the last couple of years that me DVD sales have been goin’ so well. I have a good few bob in the bank, but there’s not a lot that I need to buy. I have a little motor, but I’m not into cars. At the end of this year, though, I’m plannin’ on a three week holiday to Thailand. I’m goin’ on me own, but I might see if Nick wants to come. I’ll buy him his ticket and all, but I don’t see why I should as the fucker wouldn’t let me move in with him last year, the prick.
He’s been a bit depressin’ ever since Aoife hasn’t been on the scene. She was a nice girl. It’s a pity, but a couple of weeks of Asian poontang might sort him out. I might ask Charlie instead, or even Hopalong Cassidy, although he doesn’t like me callin’ him that. I’ll tell you what though, I’d ride the arse off that American bird of his. On second thoughts, Danny wouldn’t go anywhere without that chick. Don’t blame him either.
I was a bit put out at first when I heard that a lot of people at work were callin’ me ‘The Porno King’. But to be honest, I don’t mind it all that much now. I am a bit of an expert anyway. There’s very little in porn that I haven’t seen, although I can watch it now for six hours non-stop, downloadin’ and editin’ it, and I wouldn’t even get a hard-on. And besides, there aren’t too many people out there that can be called the king of somethin’. Beats ‘Shitter’ anyway.
Charlie and Nick are already in Broderick’s when I arrive. The skirt in this place is unreal tonight. I don’t remember chicks lookin’ this good when I was their age. Charlie’s fucked off already to chat up a bird. No sign of Nick yet. Hope he comes soon so I’m not stuck with Danny on me own. He’s in his flowers tonight. He can be a cantankerous fucker when he wants to be. I seen that in a lot of blokes that go out with girls that are much better lookin’ than them. Not that Danny’s an ugly fu
cker or anything, it’s just that you’d expect to see Ruby with someone more like Charlie, or even Ricky.
It’s like this film I seen once about this couple on a cruise ship, and he’s paranoid that she’s cheatin’ on him behind his back ’cause every bloke fancies her, even though he’s ridin’ the gym instructor and a waitress and the Latina nurse. Eventually she gets sick of his jealousy and she starts screwin’ everyone; the pool lifeguard, the captain and even the nurse as well. She called it his self-fulfillin’ prophecy. You can learn a lot from pornos. I think they all ended up havin’ a massive orgy on the captain’s deck but the couple stayed together, which was nice.
Ruby brings us over our drinks. There’s somethin’ different about her tonight. Like something’s happened. I’m not sure what it is exactly.
‘Thanks, babe,’ Danny says. ‘When can we talk?’
‘I’m swamped, Danny,’ she says. ‘I’ll try and take a break later, okay?’
Danny doesn’t say anythin’ as she goes back to work.
‘They’re a good couple, aren’t they?’ I say to him.
‘What?’
‘Ruby and Ricky.’
‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’ he says, and looks royally pissed off.
‘I mean they work well together for all intensive purposes,’ I tell him, ‘Jesus, chill out, man. You’re like a poisonous snake tonight.’
He takes a sip from his pint, but he looks in the height of it. Whenever someone’s in a bad mood, it’s hard to say anythin’ to them without pissin’ them off.
‘It’s for all intents and purposes, you gobshite. And snakes aren’t poisonous,’ he mumbles.
‘What?’
‘Snakes. They’re not poisonous.’
‘Yeah, not all of them but some are,’ I tell him. What the fuck is he talkin’ about?
‘No, they’re venomous. Somethin’ is only poisonous if you eat it. Snakes inject their venom.’
‘So if I eat one and it has poison in it, will I not get sick?’
‘I suppose so,’ he says.
‘So there.’
‘So there what? What are you talkin’ about?’
‘What are you fuckin’ talkin’ about?’
I see Nick comin’ in and he spots me and nods over and starts walkin’ over to us but Charlie spots him too and calls over to him. He turns and sees Charlie and then turns back to me and raises a finger in the air to me as if to say ‘I’ll be with you in a minute’, and then walks over to Charlie.
He actually means ‘one hour’ because that’s usually what happens. Charlie has his back against a wall. Two girls, a red head and a brunette, are facin’ him. I can’t tell what they look like, but to be honest, from this angle, who gives a fuck?
He introduces them to Nick, and Nick shakes both their hands. Charlie steps ever so slightly to the left, which means he wants the red head. She’s the best lookin’ so. Is it just me or can anyone not look at a red head without thinking of her ginge pubes?
The brunette offers Nick a taste of her drink. I don’t think a girl has ever offered me a taste of her drink. I’ve had a few thrown in me face alright, but I don’t think there was any actual consumption intended.
For that matter, I don’t think anyone’s ever introduced me to a girl either, and now that I think of it, I can’t remember even Charlie ever introducin’ me to a girl. I’m his cousin for fuck’s sake. He should be lookin’ out for me. Throw the odd bone in my direction. I’m not that fussy. It’s not like I don’t have any experience with women, I’ve been to Amsterdam more than a few times.
I’m also proud to say that there are very few people in Ireland, even Europe, who have watched more pornos than me in the last five years. In fact, I was thinkin’ of makin’ one meself. Not to be in it or anythin’ like that. To be the director or the producer. A bloke in work’s younger brother is studyin’ film and he’d be able to get all the equipment. I reckon that if Charlie could put me in touch with a few buddin’ starlets, then I’d be away in a hack.
I might apply to go on that show Dragons’ Den where those millionaires invest if you’ve a good idea. There’s four blokes on the panel and a chick. They always ask about the person’s UPS – it’s their unique point for sellin’ or somethin’. Well, my UPS will be its location. That’s a movie term for where the film is set.
Pornos are always in colleges or hospitals or offices or in some big gaf or a hotel, but mine will be in a post office. I’ve never seen a porno in a post office. It’s the perfect spot when you think about it.
I’d have two babes workin’ at the counter – a blonde and a brunette, of course – and they’d be ridin’ all the customers, and then each other on their lunch break. A couple of postmen would have to go out and deliver a few parcels to MILFs at home. ‘I have a big package for you,’ they’d say. Stuff like that. And there’s a strict post mistress who’s actually a babe, and they all end up in a massive orgy at the end. And the best bit is the title – The Postman Always Cums Twice. Genius.
It wouldn’t even cost that much. I could sell a few hundred copies just on me own. I should say it to Danny. See what he thinks. A sort of outside opinion. He’s always readin’ some shite or other.
‘Here, Danny.’
He could even help me write it.
‘Danny.’
‘What?’
‘You like readin’ and writin’, don’t ye?’
‘What?’ he says.
‘Readin’ and writin’,’ I say louder, over the music.
‘Rita’s ridin’?’
‘For fuck’s sake.’
‘Who’s Rita?’ he asks.
‘Not Rita,’ I shout. ‘Readin’.’
‘Rita Riordan? Never heard of her.’
‘Are you guys alright for drinks?’ Ruby butts in. She’s standin’ behind the bar lookin’ down at us.
I look at her.
‘Liam, do you want another?’ Danny says.
How could that be? Is it possible?
‘Liam, do you want another drink?’
That’s amazin’.
‘Liam,’ Danny shouts into my face.
I ignore him. ‘Ruby,’ I says. ‘Have your tits gotten bigger?’
Nick
‘WE HAD this bet,’ she says, ‘that whoever drank the most vodka, the others would have to chip in and pay for the winner to have her hair done.’
I glance up at her hair. ‘And you lost?’
‘Fuck you,’ she says and punches me hard in the chest with her fist.
‘I’m only messing with you,’ I say, rubbing my chest. ‘It’s lovely.’
‘We’d had a few already, and it sounded like a good idea at the time. A few drinks and a bit of peer pressure and you’ll do anything, won’t ye? But I’m absolutely dying all day.’ She knocks back her vodka and diet 7UP. ‘I’m just not used to that much drink.’
‘Do you fancy another?’
‘Yeah, thanks,’ she says, holding out her glass to me. It holds half a slice of shriveled up lemon that looks like a drowned swimmer at the bottom of an empty swimming pool.
‘But only get me a single. I’ll top it up meself.’ She surreptitiously slides her opened handbag towards me, and I see the glass neck of a Smirnoff vodka bottle poking out of it like a turtle’s head. I smile at her, or I wince, (they’re quite similar expressions for me), and I shoulder my way through the mass of coagulated bodies.
It’s two deep at the bar, and it takes me almost five minutes just to get both my elbows rested on top of the bar’s edge. Ruby and Ricky are at the opposite end. This other bartender is doing his best, but he’s drowning in the orders and can barely keep up. By the time I get our drinks and get back to... Christ, what was her name? By the time I get back to her, she’ll have pissed off, unless she’s desperate. Who am I kidding? Of course she’ll still be there.
Despite what Charlie thinks, it’s the girl who always makes the final decision that you’re going to sleep together. It’s only the b
loke’s job to present them with the opportunity.
I see Charlie, still in the same spot, still with the same red head, and still all chat and laughs. There’s something different about him tonight. He seems more mellow than usual. Like he’s actually listening to what she’s saying rather than trying to figure out what his next move is going to be, or who else he could be talking to. I’m surprised he’s even still here. Normally he’ll have talked them into leaving with him by now. I’d like to think it’s because of the girl, but I’ve met her and she’s as superficial and puerile as her mate that I’m talking to. Or listening to, anyway.
I’d put it down to some new drug, but he’s not into any of that. None of us ever were, and except for the odd line of coke or a joint here and there, it’s a boat that we’ve all sort of missed. A couple of years after we left school everyone seemed to be wasted on that shit, but we were happy enough with our pints.
I shout up to Ruby, but the music’s too fucking loud. Then I see Liam and Danny sitting together at the bar. They look like two off duty cops trying to blend in. I watch them. I like doing that sometimes. Just looking at someone. Looking at them when they don’t know they’re being watched. People are ordering their drinks around me, but I just keep looking at those two. They aren’t talking to anyone. They aren’t even talking to each other. Liam’s eyes keep darting back and forth and up and down, undressing every girl that comes within six feet of him. Danny is just staring. Staring with this blank fucking gormless expression like, I don’t know, like he’s sitting on a bus on a Monday morning watching the rain piss against a dirty window and heading into a shit job. If it wasn’t for the drink in front of him slowly evaporating, you’d think he was part of the furniture. I’ve seen more enthusiasm for life coming off the fossilised cock of a tyrannosaurus rex.
Perhaps they always look like that, it’s just more noticeable when surrounded by this pulsating happy bunch of time-wasting revellers. Like noticing how tired and dull an old wall looks when next to a freshly painted one. Maybe I look the same to him.
Surviving Michael Page 6
