by Mike Kilroy
Solo went back to staring at the flames and listening to the crackle. If he could get lost in that sight and that sound forever, he would.
Mar wouldn’t let him.
“Seriously!” She bellowed. It was enough for Solo to avert his eyes from the calm to the storm. Her eyes were wet and her lips quivered. “You’re not mad? Don’t you want to yell at me? Throw something?”
“No.”
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!” Mar screamed and stood, pacing in front of the fireplace.
Solo stared down at his hands and picked at his fingers.
Mar’s pacing stopped in front of him. “You know, these memories are coming back. Everything I did. It’s like when your foot falls asleep, and then the blood flows back into it. It’s like a million nails poking at it. You feel each one. You brace against the pain, but it overwhelms you. That’s what’s happening to me now, Solo. Those memories are like a million needles.”
Solo looked up at her silhouette as she stood between him and the light of the fire. He could see her chest heave with pain or sadness or anger or frustration or a million other emotions for each of those million needles prodding her now.
And he envied her.
He wished he could remember more, not just a fragment here, a scene there. He wished he could feel at least one needle, instead of none.
He found himself still numb to it all, his mind, his heart, his very will fast asleep.
At the same time, he was watching as she realized she was, indeed, a particular kind of monster, one that lashed out and wounded indiscriminately. Everyone was fair game. Nothing was off limits. The pain of that was on her face.
Still, he envied her.
At least she knows what kind of monster she is. I still don’t know what kind of monster I am.
“You know, those needles eventually go away,” Solo said, calmly. “The worst part is not knowing when they will.”
Mar sat down on the floor in front of him and grabbed his head tightly in her cold hands. She stuck that one brown eye and one blue eye right in his face. It startled Solo.
“What can I do to help you?” She pressed her forehead onto his and he felt her warm breath on the bridge of his nose.
“There’s nothing you can do,” Solo said softly. “There’s nothing that can help any of us. I get the feeling I tried to help someone once, but horribly failed.”
Mar pulled her head away and reached out for her backpack, pulling it to her. She dug around inside it and pulled from it a pill bottle. “Maybe one of these will help. It maybe can get you back to Before and you can try to make more sense of it all.”
She shook a pill out into the palm of her hand and held it out to him.
He stared at it. Oblong. White. So little, yet so powerful. It had the ability to change his reality, to open his mind to what had happened or what would happen.
But can I trust what it is showing me?
Solo reached out and plucked the pill with his index finger and thumb. He held it up to the fire and examined it, chuckling.
“What’s wrong, Solo?” Mar asked.
Solo popped it into his mouth and swallowed. “Down the hatch.”
***
Solo blinked his eyes open to see Dr. Kline sitting in a chair beside his bed, his right leg crossed over his left, a thick, manila folder opened and balanced on his thigh.
He wore wire-rimmed glasses and slid them down the narrow bridge of his nose. “Ah, Mr. Faraday, you’re awake.”
Dr. Kline scooted forward in his chair and peered at Solo over the rims of his spectacles. “So, tell me, were you just there?” His pencil moustache curled up into a smile. “Were you in the ‘After?’”
Solo was groggy and wasn’t sure of what he had just heard. He put his hand to his head and was shocked that he had no hair. All he felt was fine stubble as he rubbed. Solo’s eyes darted around the room. It wasn’t familiar. Paintings hung on the wall, soothing ones with pleasant, calming colors. There also was a calendar opened to December, 2012. It had a picture of a cat, dangling from a tree branch, with the words “HANG IN THERE” big and bold above the feline.
Solo tried to lift his head, but only got it inches off the pillow before it fell back down again, the pain and the vertigo overwhelming him.
“Don’t try to move.” Dr. Kline backed away and leafed through the file again. “Extraordinary reading. Dr. Hu left no stone unturned.”
He has my file.
Solo forced the words from his lips. “Wha … what’s going on?”
“Since our hypnosis session I have been fascinated with your case. The description of that world—the ‘After’ as you call it—was so vivid. You don’t know how exciting it has been for me. You are the validation of everything I have worked my entire career to achieve. After the incident in the common area, I finally convinced Dr. Hu to proceed again.”
“Again?”
“This time it will work. I know it.”
“There was another time?”
“Yes. Unfortunately things did not go as planned. Things went horribly sideways. This time will be different.”
“Where’s Eye Lyds? I want to see her.”
Dr. Kline flipped through the file again. “There is very little we know about the human brain. It’s such an incredible piece of technology. Yes, it is a technology. It feels nothing—it experiences no pain. It has enormous speed and storage capabilities, but only uses twenty watts of power. Every second there are one-hundred thousand chemical reactions going on in there and 100 billion neurons are firing. It’s an absolute miracle of engineering.”
Dr. Kline closed the file on his lap and patted it. “But sometimes the brain can malfunction.”
Solo’s brain had certainly malfunctioned.
I’m a particular kind of monster, after all.
Dr. Kline continued. “It’s a myth, you know, that we only use ten percent of our brains. We use it all. The entire brain handles memories. For eons scientists have attempted to unravel the mind’s mysteries. I think I’m on the verge of cracking the code, and you can help me.”
“What about the others? Suicide Girl, Gingivitis Guy, Normal Looking Guy, Brown Robe Guy …”
Dr. Kline burst into laughter. “I just love the nicknames you give people, Mr. Faraday. I particularly like the one you gave to yourself. What is it? Solo? Tell me, what do you call me?”
“Creepy Pencil Moustache doc.”
Dr. Kline’s laughter erupted again. “Priceless!”
“Why are you doing this?”
Dr. Kline flipped through the file again. Anti-social behavior, the mutilation of animals, assault.” He paused, his right eyebrow rising. “Murder.” Dr. Kline stood and pushed a plunger into Solo’s IV. “You’re a perfect subject for my treatment.”
Solo tried to speak, but couldn’t. His mouth was dry and he had trouble focusing.
Dr. Kline lowered his face to Solo, his beady, creepy eyes mere inches from his. “Don’t worry, Mr. Faraday. It won’t be long. Just let go. Just forget. Just forget the regret.”
Chapter Eleven
Forget the Regret
Eye Lyds stared at the cat, morose, but not because the feline was dead.
Solo figured it was because she was stumped. It was an intellectual puzzle for her, a mystery she needed to solve, a question she needed to answer.
And because he told her to.
Solo paced the basement, trying to figure out what to do next. He had worked so hard to avoid situations like this, but here he was and there she was—staring at a dead cat she had just sliced open.
Their father could come down those steps at any moment. He needed a plan.
Eye Lyds peered at the animal with her head cocked. She wore a dark red shade of lipstick. Her face was pale, which made her crimson lips even more noticeable, and wore dark eye shadow that made her eyes look like sinkholes. Her hair was cropped in a pixie cut and pushed back away from her forehead with that ladybug pin she so adored since she was little. It was o
ne of the few sentimental things she clung to.
Solo was happy she did.
It showed she had the capacity to feel.
And to love.
It showed she could fight the monster.
She just needed a little help.
Just a little.
Blood covered her hands and arms up to her elbows. The cat’s organs were neatly lined up beside the carcass.
“I still don’t know why she was dying,” Eye Lyds said, calmly, analytically, with little feeling or remorse.
Solo let out a sigh of frustration. “Eye Lyds, we talked about this. You can’t do things like this. You just can’t. They’ll send you away like they sent me away.”
“Don’t call me Eye Lyds. It’s stupid.”
“Lydia,” Solo said from across the workbench. “Lydia,” Solo said again. She finally gazed up from her examination of the cat and at him. “Why did you do it?”
“I was curious. That’s all. I’m no serial killer.”
“No, of course you aren’t.” Solo walked around the bench and hugged Eye Lyds. She stiffened in his embrace. “You remember what we talked about. You’ve been so good. Why now?”
“You’ve always been better at dealing with him than I have. Sometimes I can’t fight him.” She pulled away. “Sometimes he wins. He’s the monster, not me.”
“You can fight him. I know you can. If we get caught, I’ll fess to it,” Solo said, staring at the cat. “They still expect this kind of thing from me, not you.”
Solo walked around the bench again. The cat was beginning to smell and flies had already begun circling it. “Go and get cleaned up. Remember what I taught you. You have to be careful.”
“I will. I promise.” Eye Lyds walked to the base of the basement steps and stopped. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it. Sometimes … I can’t help myself.”
Solo smiled and nodded. “It’s okay. We’ll keep working on it.”
She smiled back, a genuine one. It made Solo smile even wider. He enjoyed the true displays of emotion and connection from his sister. They were so fleeting that when they came out of her, it was like the sun peaking through the clouds after a storm.
Then her eyes veered away to the far corner of the basement. She nodded and cocked her head as if she was listening.
Don’t listen to him! Ignore him, Eye Lyds! Ignore him!
She waved a dismissive hand, turned and began to stomp up the steps, her heels clacking on the wood.
As she disappeared, he heard her yell, “No, Tom. Leave me alone.”
***
The girl with the one brown eye and one blue eye lay sleeping on the floor next to Solo, her chest rising and falling with each deep, restful breath.
Her lips were slightly ajar and her eyelids rippled like waves.
Mar was dreaming.
About what? Is she dreaming of me? Is she dreaming of a peaceful life, a serene life? I hope it is something pleasant. I hope it is something joyful.
Or is it just Dr. Kline cutting through her mind as Eye Lyds cut through that cat.
He is a particular kind of monster, after all.
Mar stirred as her eyes blinked open. She stretched out her arms and her legs and yawned before focusing her sight on Solo. “Did it work? Did you go back to the, what do you call it? The Before? Did you get any fucking answers?”
She sat up quickly, eager to hear the answer.
Solo didn’t know which one to give her.
He could tell her the truth, but she was likely not to believe him. He could lie to her, but he was tired of the lies. He could shrug and say he discovered nothing worthwhile, which was sort of the truth. He wasn’t sure if he could believe Dr. Kline. He wasn’t sure if his trips back to the Before were real or an illusion.
He wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
Before he had made a concrete decision of what to tell her, a trail of words erupted from his lips. “I know why I didn’t have a file. Dr. Kline has it.”
It had the luxury of being the truth. Mar rubbed her eyes and smiled. “Well, that mystery is solved.”
There were so many others, Solo thought.
“Why did he have it?” She asked as she stood, straightened out her yoga pants and white sweater with swipes of her hands, and tied her hair back with a purple scrunchie. “Does it have anything to do with Forget the Regret?”
“I think so. I’m starting to remember things.”
Mar nodded. “So am I. Weird things. Things that just don’t make sense. I guess our brains are still kind of scrambled by the experiment, whatever that was. The important thing is we are here now and we have to do what we have to do to survive.”
Mar started gathering her things, shoving them into her backpack. “We need to get you more warm clothes. And we need more food. Oh, and water. Can’t forget the water.”
Solo noticed Mar seemed calmer and more focused when she was plotting their survival. It gave her something to direct her energies toward, a goal that was attainable.
“Mar, do you remember where you were when everyone disappeared?”
Mar closed her eyes tightly and contorted her lips peculiarly as she searched for that recollection. “Nope. You know how it is. I have pieces here, pieces there.”
“You know they say you can never remember when a dream starts. Maybe this is a dream.”
Mar paused again. This time her lips displayed a scowl. “I thought we established this isn’t all in our heads.”
Solo nodded. “It doesn’t matter.”
“You know what I do remember? Running through the tall weeds as a kid. Picking those big white weeds, you know, the ones that look like big flowers. I remember catching fireflies in jars. I remember going to sleep each night and not being able to wait until I was an adult and all the great things I was going to accomplish. I remember saying each night that I wanted to shut my eyes knowing I had made a difference that day. I wanted to feel that way every night when I went to sleep. I don’t know what happened to that girl. I don’t know what happened to those dreams. But I can’t dwell on that now. It is what it is. We’re here now, in a world where there are so few people. We need to do what we have to do to live.”
She reached out and grabbed Solo’s hand and squeezed it tightly. Solo felt a tear escape his eye. “We have to go back to the hospital.”
Mar pulled her hand away. “What?”
“We have to go back. Dr. Kline is the key to all of this. Not Dr. Hu. We owe it to ourselves to figure this out.”
“We barely got out of there the last time. And what does it matter now? We have each other. We need to survive. Fuck everything else.”
Solo reached out for her hand again and squeezed it. “Trust me, Mar. We have to go back.”
***
Solo wiped his brow. It was hot and humid. Cicadas cried all around him. Crickets chirped. It was the sounds of the country and he longed for it.
He longed to lie in the grass and stare up at the stars. Things were so much easier back then.
That was a lie. Things were never easy here.
Never.
Solo pushed the door open. It creaked.
Solo scoffed. His father had been meaning to fix that door for years now. Never did.
“Dad! Mom!” Solo cried out. The house was dark, which was odd. His parent’s Hyundai was in the driveway. Eye Lyds’ Honda CRV was parked just behind it.
Solo began to worry.
He walked slowly through the foyer and into the living room. The light from the moon filtered in through the open blinds, casting a foreboding, zebra-pattern light across the room. Solo could make out the outlines of the chairs, the couch and the entertainment center, but little else.
He stumbled to the wall and flipped the switch, squinting at the sudden wash of light.
Once his eyes adjusted, Solo peered around the room. Everything was neat and tidy. The hardwood floors had not so much as a speck of dust or a smudge of dirt. The pillows on the couch were arranged
perfectly and the coffee table was exactly parallel with the couch—just like his mom liked it.
He called out again, “Is anyone here?”
His cry was met with silence.
He walked through the living room and into the dark kitchen. He heard the water running and saw the outline of a woman, Eye Lyds, at the sink, scrubbing and whistling a tune he did not recognize.
Her voice cut the silence.
“Morris, did you know K-Y Jelly works like a charm at getting blood off the skin?”
***
Solo and Mar headed back toward the hospital, cutting through one-way alleys of the city. Solo remembered his disdain for driving these streets.
Such a confusing city; So many dead ends and hills.
The streets were being reclaimed by nature. Grass and weeds, now brown for the winter, crawled across the pavement, up the facades of buildings and obscured the landmarks Solo was just now beginning to remember.
Solo peered out over the horizon, gray and cold, like almost everything was here now.
Everything but Mar.
She walked behind him. He glanced back and smiled at her and she smiled at him: a big, warm smile.
Solo was overcome by a happiness he thought he would never have again. No matter what would happen, they had each other.
Perhaps that was enough.
Solo took a step and felt his stomach rise as he fell through a storm grate. It seemed like he was falling forever, in slow motion, looking up as Mar peered down, terror on her face, reaching a hand out for him with no hope of grasping him.
Solo felt his bones crack as he hit the bottom. He felt numb and instantly cold. His vision faded as he looked up at the faint face of Mar, who screamed, “No! No! No!”
Solo closed his eyes. That wasn’t the last thing he wanted to remember of Mar. He wanted to remember the smile he saw just a second ago before everything faded away.
Into nothing.
***
Solo awoke to his wrists and ankles bound in restraints. He yanked his arms as hard as he could, but the only thing that accomplished was to rub his skin raw.
“I'm sorry, Mr. Faraday,” Dr. Kline said as he cautiously removed the restraints. “I didn't want you to run off. This is a very … delicate time.”
