CANDY SLAIN
APPLE ORCHARD COZY MYSTERY BOOK 6
Chelsea THOMAS
Copyright & Disclaimer
Candy Slain © Chelsea Thomas, 2019
Disclaimer -- All rights reserved. No part of this eBook may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form, or by any means, including mechanical or electronic, without written permission from the author.
While the author has made every effort to ensure that the ideas, guidelines and information printed in this eBook are safe, they should be used at the reader’s discretion. The author cannot be held responsible for any personal or commercial damage arising from the application or misinterpretation of information presented herein.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to the actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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To Our Parents,
Thank you for always making Christmas magical.
Contents
1. Humphrey Dumpty
2. Tree Delighting
3. Ho-Ho-Hoping for the Best
4. Silent Night
5. Are Ye Sleeping Maggie
6. Humphrey Dumpty
7. Candid Cameras
8. Stealth Elf
9. Santa’s Slay
10. My True Love Gave to Me
11. Mayor, Mayor
12. Sleepy Holler
13. Peppermint Twist
14. Detectable Delectables
15. Lumbering Liaisons
16. Midnight Snacks
17. I Know Why the Jail Bird Sings
18. Chakra and Awe
19. Massage in a Bottle
20. Short People
21. A Starr is Born
22. Pumpkin Pie
23. Run, Run Reindeer
24. Better Not Pout
25. The Missing Missus
26. Cookie and Milk
27. The Naughty List
28. Inn And Out
29. Masseuse Mischief
30. Identity Elf
31. Throwing Punches
32. The Missing Lincoln
33. Horsing Around
34. Lights, Camera, Murder
35. The Ghosts Of Christmas Future
36. Sled And Dead
37. Bake ‘Em Away
38. Hot Water
39. Talk Soup
40. Two Turtle Doves
41. The Way the Cookie Crumbles
42. Big Dan the Man
Book Seven Preview
A Note From the Authors
Also by Chelsea Thomas
About the Author
1
Humphrey Dumpty
Christmas time in a small town is incredible. Lights twinkle from the porches. Children, their noses runny and their cheeks red, play in the snow. And everyone has an undeniable cheer about them. Like happiness and gratitude are in the air, and the spirit of charity is contagious.
It’s all so divine and everyone is in such a great mood, it’s hard to imagine anything going wrong during the holidays.
Then a dead body shows up at your small town tree-lighting ceremony and everything changes.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before I tell you all about my first holiday mystery, the hardest case Miss May, Teeny, and I ever tried to solve, I need to tell you about Orville Starr.
Orville Starr was Pine Grove’s hired Santa the year of the murder.
He had a nice, round belly. Big, bushy eyebrows, and a boisterous laugh that seemed to echo for miles every time he let one loose. By all accounts, Orville was a great Santa. Except there was one serious issue: Orville Starr was the angriest man in Pine Grove.
I first met Orville on a Saturday, exactly one week before Christmas. And exactly twenty minutes after I was supposed to have arrived at Christmas Village to help set up for our annual tree-lighting ceremony. I jumped out of my car in a hurry, shoving my hands into the pockets of my gray peacoat for warmth. Christmas Village looked magical, as it did every year. There was a giant gingerbread house. There were vendors selling cookies and other treats. And freshly fallen snow sparkled like tiny jewels in the sun.
On a normal day, I would have stopped to stroll among the vendors and appreciate the small-town charm. On that day, however, Orville Starr was having a loud, raucous argument on the steps of town hall. So I rushed over to see what was going on.
“You are crazy, lady.” Orville’s face was blood red, and not in a cute way. “I’m a legendary Santa Claus in this region. I’m not going to preside over any festivities unless there’s a real tree.”
The ‘crazy lady’ stepped forward and I saw that it was my Aunt Dee Dee, Pine Grove’s resident environmentalist, yogi, and angry protester.
“You should be ashamed of yourself. How dare you advocate for the brutal murder of Fred the Tree!”
Orville scoffed. “Fred?”
“Yes, that’s right! He has a name. That tree is older than any of us, and he’s a beautiful, soulful being. You want to kill him and put him up for public display in some sort of archaic ritual?”
“Yeah,” Orville said. “That’s what a Christmas tree is.”
Aunt Dee Dee took a candy cane out of her mouth and pointed at Orville. “You don’t deserve to be Santa with views like that. You don’t deserve to live!” Yikes. Sometimes Dee Dee could be a touch extreme.
Orville threw back his head and let out one of his belly laughs. But the laugh had an angry, condescending edge. “You hippies crack me up. You think you have any say over what goes on at town celebrations like this? You’re irrelevant. I’m the star of this show-ho-ho.”
“You may think I’m irrelevant, but do you see a tree here tonight?”
Orville spun around. “Wait. You’re right. Where is the tree?”
Dee Dee smiled. “I convinced Mayor Delgado not to cut down the tree until this issue was settled. Fred lives, at least for tonight.”
“That’s preposterous.” Orville spotted the mayor down the sidewalk and hurried toward her. “Linda. Mayor Delgado. Is this true? You haven’t cut down the tree? It’s not here for the big light-up?”
Mayor Delgado stopped walking, eyes wide. Wearing her classic sharp business attire, her hair slicked back in a tight ponytail, the mayor looked as poised and professional as ever. Seeing her caught off guard felt comical, like seeing a deer caught in the headlights if the deer happened to also be wearing a pantsuit. The mayor smiled at Orville, a politician’s neutral grin. “Well… Yes, that’s true. Unfortunately, that is true. There was a lot of local outcry. My constituents voiced concern over… Fred the Tree.”
Dee Dee let out a loud cheer, then turned back to Orville. “Hear that? Her constituents. The people have the power in Pine Grove. We’ll never have a real tree in this town again.”
The mayor held a finger. “Now, I didn’t say that. We have a team ready to take down the tree at a moment’s notice.”
Dee Dee threw up her hands. “What? You’re still considering going through with this murder?”
The mayor shrugged. “We have people coming from far and wide for this ceremony. Upwards of three thousand. I need something to light.”
“Logic always prevails,” said Orville. “And lunatics rarely prosper.”
Orville walked away, patting his belly in satisfaction. Dee Dee quaked with anger, let out a deep OHMMMMMM and stormed in the opposite direction.
The mayor sat on a nearby bench and buried her head in her hands.
“What are you going to do, Mayor Delgado?”
I asked.
The mayor looked up at me, her face pouty and confused like a cartoon dog. “I have no idea.”
2
Tree Delighting
A few hours later, a crowd had gathered out in front of town hall for the tree-lighting ceremony. As the mayor had predicted, there were at least three thousand people there. From the looks on their faces, not a single person of the three thousand was having a great time. The temperature had dropped into the single digits. Wind howled. And there was no tree to be lighted.
A wealthy-looking couple argued loudly about catching the last train home to Manhattan. A toddler cried and begged to be carried. A pair of freckled teenage siblings had a snowball fight that turned personal and ended in tears.
The anxious energy grew and spread throughout the crowd like wildfire. What began as a quiet chatter rose to a loud buzz, like a chorus of revving chainsaws.
After half an hour of waiting, the crowd seemed ready to riot. Then the mayor emerged from town hall, holding a microphone.
Miss May, my aunt and adoptive guardian, approached. A former New York City prosecutor, Miss May had a sharp wit and a blunt delivery that walked the thin line between candor and sass. Miss May was also tall and broad with a lumbering stride, so she looked comical next to her friend Teeny. Teeny was, well, teeny, a little bundle of energy and nerves, fueled by caffeine, gossip, and sweets.
Miss May strode toward me and handed me a cup of hot cocoa. “This should be good,” she said, nodding toward Mayor Delgado.
The mayor held up her hand to silence the crowd. But people kept talking. The mayor tapped on the microphone to get their attention but that didn’t work either.
Miss May handed me her cup of hot cocoa and cupped her hands around her mouth. “Quiet down, everyone! Let the mayor talk!”
Within seconds, the crowd quieted.
Mayor Delgado spoke into the microphone. “Thank you, May.”
Miss May gave the mayor a thumbs up. Teeny laughed. “From the looks of it, you should be mayor, girl.”
Miss May chuckled. “I’m way too blunt for that job.”
“Got that right,” I said.
Miss May smirked and looked over at me.
“First of all, I want to thank you all for coming here tonight,” the mayor began. “I see plenty of familiar faces and lots of new faces as well. To those of you who are returning to Pine Grove or who are residents here, greetings. It’s nice to see you again. And if you’re new, thank you for visiting our little town.”
A cranky old man yelled from the middle of the crowd. “Where’s the tree?”
The mayor gave a polite nod. “I’m going to address that in a moment. But before we talk about the tree—”
Germany Turtle stepped into the center aisle. Germany was…well, how should I describe Germany? He was an eccentric new resident of Pine Grove, with a fashion sense that vacillated between ‘urban cowboy’ and ‘straight-up weirdo.’ For several months, Germany had been wooing me, and I suppose I had been wooing him back. We were, some might say, dating. But neither of us had officially said that to each other.
At that particular moment, Germany had his hand raised to get the mayor’s attention. The mayor sighed. Germany tended to be verbose. Which was usually charming but sometimes…not.
“Yes, Germany?”
“Sorry, sorry, sorry. Quickly I have a public service announcement. If anyone gathered here tonight has a good gift idea for Chelsea Thomas, please let me know. She keeps saying she doesn’t want anything, but I know that can’t be true. Besides, she deserves the world. So, yes. Please feel free to talk to me after the tree lighting ceremony or you can email me. Germany. [email protected]”
Miss May looked at me. Teeny laughed.
“Germany loves a nice public display of affection.” Teeny sipped her hot cocoa. “I bet that means he’s going to get you something good. If it’s food, you have to share it!”
“He’s not going to get her food.” Miss May looked at me. “It’s probably going to be something romantic. Like an engagement ring.”
I shook my head. “We’ve unofficially been kind of seeing each other less than a month. He’s not going to propose.”
Miss May shrugged. “The boy feels his emotions with intense and burning passion. I wouldn’t be shocked.”
“Well I’m not ready for that,” I said.
Teeny gave me a dismissive shake of the head. “You Millennials are so ridiculous. So you got left at the altar a year ago. You still have a broken heart? You can’t move on? By the time I was your age, I had been married so many times City Hall gave me my next wedding free.”
I laughed. Turned my attention back to the mayor.
“Now I’d like to discuss our Christmas tree. Or the missing tree, rather. A few folks here in town have voiced concerns about cutting down such an old, distinguished tree.”
“His name is Fred,” Dee Dee yelled from the crowd, “and he’s 112 years old!”
“Right, Fred,” Mayor Delgado continued. “Apparently when you cut down a tree, you damage its soul. So, out of respect for those townspeople, the tree we had selected for this year’s ceremony, er, Fred, has not yet been cut down. As you can see, the tree is not here tonight. We’re looking into alternatives, including getting a fake, or rather, a synthetic tree. Whatever happens, we’re still going to have a ton of fun tonight. This is a party, like always. But we’re going to have to reschedule the technical, lighting portion of the tree-lighting for when our tree actually arrives.”
A burly, bearded man booed from the crowd. An older woman nearby also booed. Within seconds, a chorus of boos rang out from the crowd.
The burly man stepped into the aisle, where Germany had been. “Boo! This stinks! We want a real tree, not a fake one.”
My Aunt Dee Dee stepped into the aisle a few feet away and faced the burly man. “Boo to you, you animal. Fred has feelings. Trees are people too!”
The mayor yelled into her microphone. “Everyone quiet down. We will have a tree. I promise you that. And as I said, the festivities are going to continue this evening. Starting with Santa’s arrival in Pine Grove. Isn’t that fun?” The mayor clapped her hands, trying to incite applause. The people in the crowd did not cheer along with her. But I admired the mayor’s determination, because she kept right on going with her enthusiasm.
“Do you children hear that? I think he’s arriving now!”
The children in the crowd turned to look toward the sky for Santa’s sleigh.
“He’s not flying here in his sleigh,” the mayor said. “He already flew here. And he parked in our wonderful municipal lot paid for by the City Council. Now he should be approaching on foot from Christmas Village!”
The mayor pointed toward Christmas Village. That must have been her cue for Orville Starr to approach in his Santa uniform. But nothing happened.
“Come on out, Santa!” the mayor kept smiling. “Now is your time, Santa. Please, Santa. Help me out!”
Teeny pulled on her collar like she was feeling hot. “I don’t think Santa stuck around.”
“He was upset by the idea of a fake tree,” I said. “I heard him arguing with Dee Dee earlier.”
Teeny shook her head. She called out to the mayor. “Santa went home. He hates fake trees!”
The people in the crowd grumbled, disappointed. Slowly, they filed out toward our wonderful new municipal lot.
“Wait!” the mayor stumbled, looking for words. “Come back. Patronize our vendors. Enjoy the holiday.”
The stream of people continued their exodus, not turning back. The mayor sighed into the microphone. “I’m sorry, everyone. I’ll get Santa back. And we’ll get a tree up in Pine Grove. I promise!”
Miss May took me by the elbow and leaned down to whisper in my ear. “I have a bad feeling about this.”
I gulped. So did I.
3
Ho-Ho-Hoping for the Best
Miss May pulled Teeny and I over to the side of town hall to talk as
the crowd dispersed. Miss May rubbed her temple. “Something is off about this, right?”
I nodded. “I never trust a missing person in Pine Grove. Not anymore.”
Teeny nodded. “Neither do I. This is suspicious. Suspicious, not delicious.”
“Why would it be delicious?” Miss May narrowed her eyes.
“That’s just an expression.”
“That’s not an expression,” Miss May said.
“It’s true though,” Teeny insisted. “It’s not delicious. It’s suspicious.”
“I suppose,” said Miss May. “Orville has only been in town a few months, but he’s made a lot of enemies. Now, on the first day of his contract with the town, he goes missing?”
“He was arguing with Dee Dee about that tree earlier today,” I said. “They both got angry.”
Miss May shook her head. “My sister is always causing problems in this town.”
“She solves a lot of problems too,” said Teeny. “For the trees.”
“I support fake trees,” I said.
“Oh, that’s a load of hogwash.” Teeny crossed her arms. “I need to smell the pine needles or it doesn’t feel like real Christmas. I like trees as much as the next girl, but I make an exception for Christmas.”
Miss May held up her hands. “Can we please not get into this debate? We’ve got bigger problems on our hands. Orville Starr is missing. And I don’t think he’s sitting at home watching old movies.”
Candy Slain Page 1
