by K A Sands
I had to push those thoughts to the side for now; despite the conversation, it was damned good to see him. I had missed Shaun. Even while I was struggling with my anger, I’d desperately wanted to feel him next to me. Holding off had been hell, but I wasn’t wanting my head addled with medication while we had this inevitable conversation. I’d waited, which turned out to be the right choice.
His confession hurt me deeply, especially when he got to the part about his cock being in Chrissie’s mouth prior to that Wednesday night. He hadn’t needed to tell me, I would never have known, probably never found out about his apparent moment of weakness, and whilst I appreciated his honesty, I kind of hated I was now aware. It made me question whether I could trust him not to do it again, with anyone. I totally got the situation he found himself in, but I wondered how much more trouble she would be for him. For us.
More confused than ever, I floundered at which direction to go in. The only thing I was certain of - I needed this man with me. Walking away had almost killed me, I refused to do it again. We could swim these waters together if we were a buoy for the other.
Rubbing at my temples, trying to keep myself calm and stress free just like the doctor had suggested, I bit my lip. For the most part I relaxed, but my mind was going in circles and not much of it was making sense, a headache brewing.
“You okay?” Shaun asked, watching me carefully.
“Yeah,” I sighed and laid my head back on the pillow, holding my palm out to him on the side of the bed. Grabbing my fingers, he raised them to his mouth, kissing gently.
“I know I got to fix this, and I will, but first I need you to get better, so we can bring you home. Let’s concentrate on that for now, huh?” With the desperate pleading in his voice, it sounded like the best idea I’d heard in a long time. I conceded and tried to put Chrissie to the back of my head for now. I wanted to savour Shaun for the time being.
Letting go of my hand, Shaun stood up, stripping off his jumper and toeing off his trainers before climbing up onto the bed beside me. His warmth seeped through my side and apart from being at home, there was no other place I’d rather be.
“Budge over.” He nudged me gently and I did as he said. We both lay squashed together, side by side, on the impossibly small hospital bed, both lost to ourselves. He blew out a breath. “That was just about the worst night of my life. I can’t go through that again.” He curled onto his side and placed his arm around my waist, snuggling into my neck, his warm lips brushing against my skin.
“What was the worst?” I whispered into his hair. He didn’t hesitate when he told me it was the day he found his brother shot dead in their flat. I felt his body tensing, so I drew him closer still, trying to offer some comfort while he recounted the story of how his brother’s girlfriend had been messing around with someone who’d had more clout than he did and took offence when she said she loved Scotty. Shaun had found his brother’s battered body in the hall, a single gunshot to his head and a picture of the girlfriend on his chest. He admitted his life had spiralled downwards from there.
“I can’t lose you, Ayden. I wouldn’t survive.” His voice was strangled, so full of emotion I felt it deep in my soul. I got the sentiment, I really did. His arm across my waist moved and when I looked down I saw him kissing his tattooed knuckles.
Running my hand through his hair, I lay in silence with him, simply soaking up the feel of his body close to mine. Just being. I think I must have drifted off because the next thing I was hearing my dad’s hushed words.
“You make it right, Shaun?” My dad’s no-nonsense voice asked.
“Yes, sir. I hope so.”
Neither said anything else; I heard the scrape of chair legs and presumed he’d sat down next to the bed. He’d been a permanent fixture for the last few days. Shaun hadn’t moved so I decided it was time to open my eyes. Attempting to stretch, I winced because that shit hurt like a bitch still, I tried not to shift too much.
My back was still painful but thankfully there’d been no infection. I was told they’d given me IV antibiotics quick because it was a stab wound and had the potential to become infected. It was the last thing I needed on top of everything else, especially if I wanted home in the next few days. Which I really, really did. I wanted back in my own bed with Shaun wrapped around me, to shut out the world for a while.
When Shaun realised I was awake, he drew away from me and sat up at my hip, so I could see my dad. Ryder was also in the room and I knew why they were there. I didn’t want to do this, to tell Shaun, but it was time. We had agreed, Sophie telling me the man’s name, saying she couldn’t tell her brother herself. Our statements had been made, recounting what happened but names had been deliberately omitted, and Sophie citing she couldn’t remember very much. We gave vague descriptions, but that was all. We wanted our revenge, and as shitty as it sounded, the police wouldn’t give us it the way we wanted. It was down to us to make sure he paid for Jake. And he would.
If that made us bad people - so be it.
My father and uncle had promised us that it would be sorted and no one else would suffer at that monster’s hands. Namely Sophie. Ryder vowed they’d do all they could to keep it away from Shaun, while seeking the justice he had coming. He would undoubtedly fly off the handle, but I had faith my dad was in his corner and wouldn’t let anything touch him.
Ryder smiled wanely at me. “You ready, Ayden?”
Shaun looked at the three of us in turn, confused. I nodded in response to my uncle, my mouth insanely dry as I second guessed the decision to tell him. It was what Sophie wanted. Once I’d told her the details of my story and in turn she told me hers it somehow solidified her decision. All three of us were the victim of one man’s sordid crimes. He wasn’t getting away with murder, we owed it to Jake.
I was certain the confession would break an already fragile Shaun, and I wondered how little I could get away with telling him, how much to reveal to him.
“What’s going on?” he asked, a worried tone to him.
I looked down at my hands and drew a deep breath before speaking. “We know who it was....”
His head whipped around as he ground out, “Who?”
“Your friend, Shorty.”
Shaun
I couldn’t think straight; anger boiled up and I was gonna explode any second. Jumping up off the bed, I grabbed for my hoody while shoving my feet into my trainers. With my heart pounding, and my mouth dry, my thoughts were murderous. I didn’t look back as I stormed from the room, my fury consuming me with each step I took from Ayden.
I was gonna fucking kill Shorty.
How could this be? Right under my nose all this time. Not a friend, no, but someone I knew and interacted with on almost a daily basis. It beggared fucking belief.
What to do? I didn’t even fucking know. I stopped walking in the middle of the street gripping at my hair, sinking to my knees and screaming at the top of my lungs giving no care to the people passing me by. Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to catch my breath.
Why?
Why?
My head fought to comprehend why Shorty would do such a thing. Sure, I’d beat his arse but to go after my sister in such a manner, to kill another person to get at me? The guy was fucked up.
And soon to be six foot under if I had my way.
Big arms wrapped around me and I collapsed into them grateful for the safety they represented. Lucca didn’t let go, just held strong, and stayed until I quieted. For that I was utterly thankful, it helped me to regain some composure.
“We need to move off the street.” Lucca talked into my ear, giving a gentle tug on my arm to get me to stand up. I felt embarrassed at my outburst and looked away as I stood. “Ryder’s going to take you to the Loft, Laura’s there. I need to get back to Ayden, he’s getting out in a few days, but I’ll see you back at the flat in a while, okay?” Lucca’s voice was stern, knowing me better than I thought he did.
“Sure.” I agreed.
�
��You’re not to do anything, Shaun, do you understand?” I heard the father in him and obeyed, even though listening to an authorative figure had never been high on my list.
“Okay.” I think it was all I was capable of saying right then. My head was in such a murky mess. Lucca gave me a grim smile and tipped his head to the side beckoning Ryder, who I hadn’t even noticed was behind me.
Grabbing the top of my arm, he corralled me toward his truck in the hospital car park. “C’mon, let’s go.”
Ryder drove in silence, dropping me at the kerb with a reminder that I was to go straight up and wait for Lucca. But my mind had other ideas and when his truck pulled around the corner and out of sight I turned tail and started walking in the direction of Monty’s, intent on getting answers from Chrissie and itching to put Shorty’s head on a spike - permanently.
The walk did nothing for my mood and I stormed into the bar, plonking my arse on the first available stool that I saw. Rapping my knuckles on the bar top, Claire, another bartender turned and caught my eye giving me the grin that she always greeted me with when I came in. I didn’t collect here, seeing as it was Charlie’s place. It meant I could drink there comfortably when I needed to break loose. I wasn’t sure how much good a drink would do me, but I had a craving for something.
“No Chrissie?” I asked as Claire sashayed toward me.
“Not seen her for a few days, sugar.” She clucked her tongue at me, leaning over the bar. “You need a drink?”
“Yeah, neat. Don’t have the patience for any watered-down shit right now.” I cast my eyes around the dim room that smelled vaguely of stale aftershave and broken dreams.
What a shit hole. A comfortable shit hole.
Anger swirled in my gut, but I wanted to get shit faced before I dealt with Shorty, the disbelief at his name coming out of Ayden’s mouth still cut sharp.
Fucking Shorty?
He wouldn’t have known who it was at the time as he’d only ever seen him around me once; that night at the bar. Even then I didn’t think he knew but Sophie had known, and I couldn’t get my head around why she wouldn’t have said straight off. What the ever-loving fuck?
“What’s up, Gripp?” Claire leaned further across the bar smiling at me.
She was a good girl was Claire, used to be a right heller back in the day when we were kids, but the last few years she’d kind of slipped into her own world and I rarely saw her anywhere other than behind the bar. She slid a tumbler of whisky in front of me, two chunks of ice clinking at the bottom. “Not seen you in a while.”
I took a gulp of the cold liquid then asked the question burning my tongue. “You seen that cunt, Shorty?”
Her eyes narrowed at me and her face paled. “Shorty?”
“Yeah, babe. Shorty?” I pushed. “You seen him?”
She gulped hard and I sensed her unease a fucking mile away. “Ah....no, not for a few days now. I think he might have been in here with his crew maybe Sunday.” She looked around the bar. “I got to go serve. Gripp. You be good, yeah?” She took a step back intending to move on down the bar top to serve another customer, but I wasn’t letting her go that easy.
I watched as she seemed to take a moment to gather herself. Something didn’t sit right. It wasn’t just my anger setting me on edge. No, it was something else that prickled at my spine. Something else entirely.
“C’mere Claire.” I growled at her as I crooked my finger in her direction.
She looked down the bar again but did as I asked and shuffled forward. When she leaned over the bar top a second time I grabbed her behind her neck and pulled her into me until our foreheads were almost touching. She was barely breathing but she knew I’d never hurt her, it wasn’t my style, not with women anyway. She was afraid of something else.
“Shorty?” I asked again. Her bottom lip trembled, and her eyes filled with tears that made my heart lurch. She closed them, and those big fat drops spilled down her beautiful cheeks. “You too?” Her eyes snapped open and I saw the awful truth in them. “Fuck.” I squeezed at the back of her neck. “Fuck.” I said angrily before I kissed her on the head and let her go. “Gimme a shot, Claire. Keep ‘em coming.”
She moved back and did as I asked, pouring a drink then leaving both the glass and the bottle of cheap whisky in front of me before taking off down the bar on shaky legs.
Fuck...that prick was gonna die when I got a hold of him.
I kept tipping the bottle back, forgetting about the now empty shot glass, seeking the bottom so I could sink into oblivion for a few blessed hours. Half a bottle in and the noise around me increased but I was too absorbed in getting shit faced to give a fuck about the commotion. I wasn’t paying attention until a soft voice and a hand on my shoulder had me propelling around on the stool.
“Shaun.” Laura slid her arm around my waist. “Do you no good drowning your sorrows, buddy.”
Laura was the quintessential mother figure. I’d sensed that about her from almost the minute I’d met her. She had a strength that could only be borne of tragedy. I half melted where I was at the caring nuances pouring from her.
I laughed, a hearty noise that did not reflect my mood whatsoever. I mean, Laura was a gorgeous looking woman in her own right but was so out of place in Monty’s. I imagined Lucca pitching a fit at finding her in a titty bar. Yet there she stood, rescuing me. And it was enough for me to drag my wallet from my pocket and throw cash on the bar then follow her out onto the street.
She held my hand like a lover would all the way back to the Loft. Yeah, there was love there but not the kind I wanted a lifetime of with Ayden. Once inside she ushered me into the kitchen and made some strong coffee, ordering me to sit. I staggered through to the lounge, spilling liquid on the way and half fell onto the sofa. I hated it, Ayden wasn’t home, the place felt foreign. Jake’s trainers at the front door were a stark reminder that our world had been turned on its head.
Because of me.
Handing my still full coffee cup to Laura when she knelt in front of me, she took it and slid it along the floor then placed her hands on my knees. She knew, she knew exactly what came next.
“It’s all right, Shaun. It’s just you and me, honey.”
She was so kind. So kind.
Why would she be so compassionate toward me? Look at what I’d brought to her family. The shit I’d promised my sister I wouldn’t. Right to her front door. How could she look at me with such sympathy?
It was enough to push me over the edge. I put my head in my hands and exhaled deeply, unable to breathe. My heart ached, and my head hurt. I couldn’t stem the flow of curses and vulgarities that exploded from my mouth before the tears came. Great big, hulking sobs heaved from my chest while Laura rubbed her hands up and down my thighs.
“Let it out, baby,” she said softly. “I’m here.”
She shuffled back as I slid to the floor and hugged my knees, feeling like a child, not giving a damn, everything was too much to take anymore. I was falling apart while I’d denied a fundamental truth about myself for so long.
I was poison.
I was suicide.
I was death.
Whoever came into my surroundings, their life would surely deteriorate, while I walked around like nothing could touch me, ignoring what was right in front of my face. I let everyone down, had blood on my hands. I was a fucking disgrace, a disappointment. No wonder our father had run a mile and left us to our own devices, he saw it in me. The black cloud I carried around and tainted whoever I met. I had to shut it down, shut it all out, ignore everyone and everything. It would be for the best. Nobody would get hurt if I wasn’t around.
“Shaun...”
I had nothing worth saying, did I? The beautiful woman she was, understood far better than I, and she let me be, let me holler and cry until I was eventually spent and a pathetic mess on the floor next to her.
“It gets better,” she imparted some time later, and I scoffed at her words before I remembered I didn’t know her story
and she most definitely had one. “Sophie won’t ever forget, but she’ll get over it, I promise you.”
I turned my head and eyed her shrewdly, like she was telling me lies. “You can’t make that promise to me, Laura. It’s not fair.”
“Listen.” She linked her pinkie through mine and it reminded me of Ayden, so I closed my eyes and listened. “I’ve been there, I know what it feels like, and thinking her life is over will be the top of her list, she’d rather be anywhere but here. I know I did. You must give her reason to think otherwise. Be the brother she loves. Be her strength when she can’t find her own. Hold her up when her legs can’t carry her anymore. My sister did for me and look where I am now, Shaun. I’m not going to lie, this is going to be hard for all of you, but please know, we won’t let you kids do it on your own. We are here, all of us. For you, Sophie, Ayden. For Jake.” Sighing despondently, her own tears fell down her face. “For Jake. That little baby is going to need some good strong men in her life and I think you fit the bill.”
I didn’t agree about me being the strong man she claimed of me. Maybe one day, but lying snivelling on the floor of Ayden’s flat, that day was not then.
“Thank you.” It was all the words I could utter.
Ayden
We didn’t go home to the Loft. Dad took Sophie and I down to the house in Beaufort, saying it would be the best place to get some quiet. To recuperate. The hour-long ride was more uncomfortable than usual, nobody saying anything, all lost in whatever little world we had crawled into for safety’s sake. I should have been happy I was finally out of the over bleached room I had spent the last thirteen days in but somehow, I couldn’t find it in me to even smile, let alone feel happy. My mind whirred with unwelcome thoughts and memories that made me sick to my stomach the whole ride home.
Sophie’s small, cold hand in mine was the only thing I was feeling; I couldn’t even begin to imagine how Sophie was. I was struggling, I didn’t know how to do this, how to come back to the here and now, or how to bring Sophie with me. She was lost, gone. Still breathing but very much broken.
