by Susan Reid
Then again, she had to be making pizza so I would just ask her directly.
I finally noticed that the box of Ambien’s that I had just taken and put there last night — was gone, and the self-help book she had gotten me was back on my nightstand, again. Now, I know I had thrown it onto my dresser yesterday, and I hadn’t picked it up since. Maybe China put it back to further the hint in case I had changed my mind.
China wouldn’t have taken the sleeping pills back though, she gave them to me so…did I put them somewhere else? Damn, I needed them.
Whatever happened, I apparently slept through it all entirely, which alarmed me, but it was nice to have been able to actually sleep for a change.
I stepped carefully, limping slightly over to my dresser, and began looking behind, under and in things, but they were nowhere to be found…except for the one thing that I did find that shouldn’t have been there.
I wrinkled my brow as I paused and gaped at it for a moment, before finally picking it up to look at it closer. It was a large feather; super white, soft as cotton, gilded with a gossamer gold lining, and ultimately bewildering and beautiful. I had never seen a feather like this before, both in size and design nor had I ever felt one as soft in comparison to all the small stray bird ones I’d ever found and picked up in my life.
Was this real or some kind of novelty thing and even so, where the hell did it come from? Why was it placed on top of my jewelry box, as if on purpose?
Maybe it had been China, I thought as I rolled the quill end between my forefinger and thumb.
The edges seemed to move like a spun threads of gold, shimmering and sparkling when held at certain angles. Though the tip was clean, it looked like it had been attached to something organic, which I found — odd.
I could smell the familiar scent of what I had picked up on earlier, when I was in the car with Officer Cam…the scent of cinnamon, rain and something like toasted cloves or sweet spices. I held the feather closer to my nose and inhaled, it was coming from the feather.
I didn’t know what birds smelled like, but something told me that apart from the sheer size of it, this wasn’t a normal kind of bird.
Maybe it was some kind of factory made novelty item, but why would China leave this in here? Well, there was only one way to find out, and if I had already missed half my classes for the day, then I may as well make a day of it completely and catch up on errands, maybe even do a bit of shopping once I checked my funds.
China wasn’t here. She cooked the pizza not long ago though, and left a note for me that said she had gone to the store and had some studying to do after her afternoon classes, so she’d be back this evening, and to help myself if I wanted some. It was a supreme pizza, and it did look appetizing.
I went to brush my teeth as carefully, and as thoroughly as I could, and then inspected the bruises and the cut on my lip afterwards. It didn’t look as bad as it had last night though it still hurt, and at least my ankle didn’t feel that sore anymore.
I had done worse to it many times during hardcore gymnastics practices and competitions, and this level of discomfort was nothing compared to the multiple sprains, ligament tears and actual breaks that I had incurred in the past. To me, it was more the source of the injury that bothered me, because still feeling the pain and seeing the purple finger marked bruising, was a vivid reminder of just how real it was. I didn’t want to even think about it anymore.
My first order of business was to call the tow truck company, and after giving them the address of the Hospice, I was told it would be about two hours, and would cost eighty five dollars — not to mention the cost of having to find out what was wrong with it, and any necessary repairs. Annoyed at already having issues with a nearly still brand new car, I hung up and checked my bank balance to transfer an additional two hundred dollars into my checking account. I typically kept all of it in savings and a CD account to collect the interest.
I inherited five hundred thousand dollars from my parents’ life insurance policy and an additional fifty thousand dollar trust fund from my grandmother when she passed. The money paid for college and my car in full, and I still had well over enough to eat, pay my bills, buy clothes, books and get my own place once I graduated, wherever I decided to move and settle down.
I had learned long ago though, from both my mother and grandmother, how to be frugal and acquire what you needed but to buy things of quality even if it meant spending more upfront, so that it would last longer and not need to be replaced as often.
Having this much money was something I never made known to anyone, including China and Joel, but I think they both had an idea anyway. Joel had to work, and China’s parents were rich, so she was already set anyway. She didn’t have to work right now if she didn’t want to and —she absolutely didn’t want to.
I figured this day off would be a perfect time to get some studying done, and a few papers started though I knew simply missing one day would already set me behind in the note taking department. I changed into casual jogging pants and a thermal shirt before settling down with a warmed up slice of pizza, and a bottle of green tea. It was when I finally sat down at the bar to eat, that I noticed the flyer Joel must have been talking about, lying on the counter.
There were several bands highlighted, along with a scanned photo image of them in black ink: ‘The Screaming Demons’, it read, and there were several other local known bands in different word art formats, with the place, time and cover charges. It was set for tomorrow night, Saturday — starting at eight p.m.
None of the groups appealed to my sense of music and entertainment, and it wasn’t just because it was rock. I didn’t like the way the Screaming Demons looked. The name alone bothered me, but not for the obvious reasons. There was something almost diabolical about this venue, and it gave me bad vibes.
I pushed the paper away, feeling a momentary brief chill sliver up my spine from out of nowhere. I didn’t want to even look at the flyer anymore. I crumpled it up to throw out later, and was just about to take a bite of pizza, when a sharp rapping sounded at the door. I started to just ignore it and wait for whoever it was to go away, until I heard Toya’s voice on the other side call out to me.
“Star? You in there? Open up girl.” She knocked again.
I closed my eyes and sighed, rubbing my temples in slow meditative circles for a moment.
So much for peace and lying low today; why couldn’t she have just called to check on me? Somehow, I felt I had Logan to thank for this surprise in person visit.
Toya was one of the four RA’s here at the apartments.
She was a thick built, five foot eleven woman who took and gave no BS, but she had an intense maternal instinct when it came to us girls. She was one of my favorite staff members, those being some of the main reasons why. I knew that word would eventually get back to her about last night via the queen sorority gossiper herself, but I didn’t think it would be this damned quick.
I couldn’t get over how she literally threw herself at Officer Cam, and I felt threatened for some strange reason as if she were moving in on something that was mine, stupid I know.
I scooted off the barstool, and headed to the door to peer out of the peephole, making sure that she was alone, and she was.
I sighed as I unlocked and opened the door slowly, a crack at first, and then peered around the door with a cheery smile, so that I could hide the side of my mouth that had been the most bruised.
“Star? You alright? Some of the girls said a police officer carried you in last night? I didn’t see you leaving for your morning classes and I came by earlier, but China said you were still asleep. What’s going on?” She asked with her brows knitted together in worry.
“I slept in, I’ve been really tired and it was nothing. I had an accident at work that’s all. He was just making sure I was okay.” I waved off.
She nodded not believing me completely, as she tried to get a full glimpse of my face.
“Uh huh, well open up, I
wanna make sure myself with my own eyes.” She said firmly.
“I’m fine everything is fine. Whatever they told you was all a complete exaggeration, you know Logan,” I tried to convince her in exasperation.
“Well who was this Officer? I’d like to talk to him myself then. Logan said he gave you his card,” Toya then replied.
“I’ll write the number down for you if you want, but I’m in the middle of something right now.” I lied.
“Let me see your face.” She then demanded in a serious motherly tone.
“Toya, it’s no big deal.” I sighed.
She pushed on the door slightly anyway, unconvinced, and I finally gave in and stepped back, letting her just inside the door. She moved closer to inspect my face.
Her dark brown eyes immediately homed in on my mouth, “Oh my word! That looks awful. China didn’t say you got hurt. What the hell happened?” She said in shock.
Ray Charles couldn’t have missed the injury.
“I didn’t see her last night or this morning, so don’t tell her if you see her first, please? The lights went out at the hospice and I ran into a door. I feel stupid enough…so can we please not make a big deal about it? It looks a lot worse than it is, really.” I told her.
She shook her head with a wry expression.
“Uh huh and why did he need to carry you too?” She asked, looking down at my legs and feet for any other injuries I wasn’t disclosing.
“I twisted my ankle but, it’s okay now,” I told her matter-of-factly, as I lifted and rotated my right socked foot to show her proof, while pressing my lips to hold in the urge to cry out loud.
“Huh, I never knew you to be accident prone girl. Aren’t gymnasts supposed to be graceful?” She said clucking her tongue in a joking manner.
“Graceful, but you know I’ve always been afraid of total darkness. I guess I’m just getting old.” I replied.
“Old? Girl quit,” She laughed heartily at my joke.
“Well, so who was this officer?” She then said with a gleam in her eye.
Apparently, Logan and the other girls didn’t fail to tell her how tall, built and gorgeous he was either.
“He was very nice and helpful, just like officers are supposed to be.” I simply said.
“He gave you his card? Logan said he’s working the campus now.”
I raised a brow, “He is? How does she know?” I asked.
“I guess she asked him.” Toya shrugged.
I rolled my eyes. I should have known.
Interesting, I thought though, because he never mentioned that to me at all and I wondered why. Well, guess I wouldn’t have to call him after all. I’d run into him again soon I was sure, and part of me was really excited about that notion too.
“Well, I’ll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing. I was concerned, I thought you might have hurt yourself on campus, but if you need anything you let me know.” She said with a wink.
“I will, thanks Toya.” I waved as I closed the door once she turned to walk away.
I breathed a relieved sigh, and returned to my pizza slice.
~~~***~~~
Though the sun was brilliant, bright and warm, it was still chilly and cold by late afternoon. Fall was here and winter was coming fast, but I didn’t mind, I preferred this weather to the hot, thick humidity almost year round back in Florida and Jamaica. Though I did miss the beaches, I had no desire to live anywhere within a hundred miles of any ocean — ever again.
The rain left puddles and patches of mud around the curbs and potholes, and I was glad that I decided to wear boots today as I stepped carefully around those areas. I actually wore them for both support and a cover up. If I had been able to squeeze my athletic ankle brace on, I would have, it may have helped a bit. Though my ankle still hurt, I toughed it out and walked on it anyway, ignoring the discomfort.
I didn’t want to bother anyone, even though I knew Joel would have gone out of his way to give me a ride out to the Hospice. After I had finished eating, I walked down to the bus stop and took the University bus to the down town bus station, and then took a cab from the last stop out to the Hospice.
My car was still parked where it had been last night, meaning through about an hour and a half long bus ride including wait time and transfers, the towing company still hadn’t made it out yet.
I sighed, figuring I’d head inside and see how Ms. Hawthorne was doing this morning, and feeling as if I could have brought her something like a new book or more flowers.
I paid the cab and headed inside. It was the dayshift, but I knew Lenell would be in soon. I wasn’t too familiar with many of the faces here, but they all knew who I was once I flashed my identification to the security guard.
“Is it okay that I visit with Ms. Hawthorne for a few moments? I’m waiting on the tow truck to get my car.” I asked the security guard on duty. He couldn’t help but stare at my face in curious shock.
I didn’t know him, he was a younger guy and I’d only seen him in passing when I came in for the evening shift.
“Ms. Hawthorne?” A nurse asked, hearing me as she was passing by with a cart of supplies.
I didn’t recognize her either.
“Yeah, is she awake?” I asked.
Her face looked grim and she gave me a sympathetic look.
One I remembered getting before and I didn’t like it.
My heart raced.
“She passed early this morning hon, I’m sorry.” She said, shaking her head in consolation.
I paused for a moment, feeling my gut clench.
Memories of being told my grandmother had passed; immediately flooded me all at once and I felt hot tears well up in my eyes.
What? How? I just saw her last night! I screamed internally to myself.
I swallowed, feeling a cold, lump form in my throat.
“Oh. Thanks.” I finally whispered.
The nurse smiled and moved on.
I didn’t even wait around for anyone to say anything else. I quickly headed back outside.
Though I expected it, I still couldn’t believe it would be that soon. I didn’t know her and I hadn’t spent any time with her past last night, but it felt like I had known her a lot longer, and I wasn’t ready for her to go yet. Had she known she was going to die?
I wondered, but either way I was glad I got the chance to meet and talk to her, because despite the huge age gap, we had obviously had some unique things in common. I felt hollow and cold inside knowing that, and that I’d never be able to see or speak to her again now.
“Are you Star?” I heard someone calling out to me.
I turned around seeing the same nurse who had told me of Ms. Hawthorne’s passing waving me down.
“Yes.” I called back.
“Wait! Hang on a second!”
She began to jog towards me, something in her hand. I wiped away the cold, stray tear that had rolled down my face quickly.
“I forgot — this was left at the desk with a note. Apparently, Ms. Hawthorne wanted us to make sure to give it to you. They told me this morning when I came on shift and I didn’t think about it until you asked to see her just now.” She said once she caught up with me, and smiled warmly as she handed it to me.
I glimpsed the cover.
It was the book of poems I had been reading to her last night. I instantly choked up as I took it.
“Thank you,” I said as my voice quivered slightly.
“Sure honey, you gonna be okay?” She asked, looking as if she wanted to give me a hug.
I nodded quickly, “Could you do me a favor and let Lenell know when she comes in, that I’m okay and I’m sorry I forgot to call her last night?” I then said softly.
She nodded, “Sure hon I will. You be careful.” She smiled, eyeing my mouth with understanding as she turned to head back inside.
I sighed heavily, unlocking my car to sit inside as I choked back tears. If the demons wanted to really get to me, it was working and they were de
finitely doing some overtime at that. I couldn’t let them know that they were getting to me, mentally, emotionally or physically. In the meantime, I needed some sort of a release. I had to go somewhere for a moment to clear my mind and assess all that’s happened so far.
What was my defense? Was I going to die soon or something, and if so when…how? Were they the ones trying to make sure it happened? I didn’t know, but I do know that I was afraid and not because of what they had done and what they could do, but because I hadn’t lived and done all that I could have done yet. There was still so much I wanted to experience, I was still young.
I ran my hand over the cover, and then opened the book to the first page. She had written something on the bottom portion of the title page in her shaky scrawl:
‘Never give in or give up. Your mama, daddy and granny are all together ‘n safe, and want you to be strong…you have to be...you are a chosen chil’,’ it read.
I paled, feeling my heart float into my throat, and my vision blurred from having stared at her words in shock.
I slowly brought a shaking hand up to cup my mouth, and my nose burned. I pinched my eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears. There was no way possible that Ms. Hawthorne could have known that both my grandmother and my parents had passed. As a matter of fact, there was no official record that my parents had died. They were simply never found, but I assumed that after all this time, given the fact that they never looked for me, meant that they had indeed died. I accepted it, even though there had been no bodies or an official funeral, past memorials that were held by distant family members in their memory.
Aside from my closest friends, I don’t tell people my business when it comes to that, because it makes some people uncomfortable, and then they start treating you a certain way or acting weird around you. No one at the hospice knew, not even Lenell. I never told her they were all deceased — just that they weren’t here in Indianapolis.
Ms. Hawthorne’s note confirmed that they both were truly gone, and it was like closure for me. I think she knew that. It was then that the tears that I had been holding in for years; finally broke through in full force.
