Easy to imagine Pet thinking, Walk away from Lady D if you want, but you’re not going to walk away from me! And a wise woman might find herself looking for something that ties a tighter knot than slippery love.
Like shared guilt.
So Pet does the deed, then makes sure Fester gets involved in the cover- up. Easy enough in the heat of the moment, and she knows T H E P R I C E O F B U T C H E R ’ S M E AT 3 2 3
once Fester has taken a step down that road, there’s no going back. Pet gets a bit mucked up dragging poor Daph around, so when she sees Roote’s fallen out of his chair later, she moves right in and picks the muddy bugger up, and now she’s got a reason for being all wet and clarty herself.
What about Ollie Hollis, but?
Could be he saw summat, enough to worry him, but not enough to make him head for the police. Rings up Pet or Fester, tells them he wants to talk, says he’s going round to Madame Lee’s. One of them takes off down there, the other stays up here, sets up the mutual alibi again.
If I hadn’t hijacked Pete when he came to take their statements, we’d have known which one was doing which!
Shit. Don’t expect he’ll be backward about pointing that out to me.
But I’m getting ahead of meself.
Looks like Godly Gordon’s out of the frame. Never did fancy him myself. I know there’s no art to read and all that, but I just can’t see a guy who looks like that being a killer! Bet the bugger has a hard time stomping on a beetle!
So who does clever old Pete see as the front-runner now?
Not Fester and Pet, I’d guess, else he’d not have agreed to turn me loose on them.
Seems to have serious doubts about the Heywood lass, but I reckon he’s up the creek there. Spent too many of his formative years with prancing ponces in education who reckoned bad spelling was a capital crime! No, I’d put money on Stompy’s lass being okay. My only worry about her after reading her e-mails is that round Sandytown just now it might not be too healthy to be so nebby and bright!
Make a note, Dalziel. Have a friendly word.
Back to Pete’s hit list. At the moment I’d guess Hen Hollis and Ted Denham are neck and neck. Then there’s all them Parkers. Or mebbe it’s the obvious for once and it were down to that animal rights woman Seymour spotted. Not likely, in my book, but mebbe I’m prejudiced ’cos of Cap.
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One name that won’t figure high on Pete’s list.
Franny Roote.
Hard to believe he’s here for the good of his health.
Except of course if that’s exactly why the poor sod’s here!
Need to watch developments there carefully. I’ve invested too much good drinking time bringing Pascoe on to see him brought down ’cos he feels he owes a slippery bastard like Roote.
Any road, time to stop talking to myself.
Interrogation ain’t much different from fornication.
Keep ’em waiting till they want it as much as you!
Nurse Sheldon should be on the boil by now, so here I come, ready or not!
7
Pet! There you are, lass. All right if I come in?
Looks to me like you’re in already.
So I am. Must be your animal magnetism that does it. You’ve got us poor sods skittering around like iron filings.
All right, Andy, or should I call you Superintendent? You can cut the crap. Lester’s warned me you were on your way, and why.
Warned? Nay, that’s not a very friendly word, and me and him the best of mates. Must have got it wrong, luv. Likely he mentioned in passing I might be dropping in—and would you cooperate?—that
’ud be a quite natural thing for a boss to tell one of his staff, letting her know it would be fine to take a few minutes off her professional duties to cooperate with the police.
Nice try, Andy, but I’ll make up my own lies, thank you. Talking of which, as I’d take odds you already know, Lester rang to ask me to back up the lies he told you and, if necessary, add any of my own to support them. That’s not a look of real surprise on your face, is it, Andy?
Not just on my face, luv. A lot farther down than that. You’ve not just taken the wind out of my sails, you’ve bent my rudder! So you’ve decided to turn poor old Fester in, have you? Good thinking, Pet, on every count. You’re doing your duty as a good citizen, and you’re keeping yourself out of the clag. So what’s the lying bastard been up to?
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Nothing, except trying to watch out for me. Which is really nice of him, and I must admit it gives me a warm glow to know he’s willing to go out on a limb for me . . .
No more than you’ve done for him, Pet, and very nice limbs they are.
Sorry, that weren’t very gentlemanly, were it? I don’t mean to upset you . . .
Andy, I’ve been nursing a long time now and I’ve had to deal with patients who’ve used everything from filthy slander to assault with loaded bedpans to try and upset me. Got me going a couple of times too, but I soon learned that all you need to do is remember them lying facedown with a thermometer up their backsides, and you soon see things in perspective. So stop trying to be provocative and just listen for a change.
I’m listening, I’m listening.
Right. I love Lester.
Oh aye? That why you jumped me in the shower?
Look, I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me. I was feeling a bit down, things didn’t seem to be going too well with Lester. We should have seen each other the night before, but he called it off—I think Lady Denham crashing his party had upset him—and then when I saw her coming into the home the next morning, I thought, Has she been here all night? So when I looked in on you and realized you were in the shower . . . I’m sorry . . .
Nay, lass, don’t fret. So long as it’s not spoilt it for you with other men. You were saying, you love old Fester . . .
Yes, I do. Don’t know where it’s going exactly, but even if it goes nowhere, I think far too much of him to let him put his reputation at risk defending me. I’m not trying to make myself out to T H E P R I C E O F B U T C H E R ’ S M E AT 3 2 7
be some pillar of virtue here either. Last night after we came back from the hall, I was more than willing to accept Lester’s offer to cover up for me. Like I said, it really made me feel good knowing he’d do that for me. But this morning, specially after I heard about poor Ollie Hollis, I got to thinking this is more than just a simple case of someone knocking off a nasty old woman who’d been asking for it anyway. Telling you lot the truth is important, if only because not telling you the truth could slow down your investigation, and if someone else gets killed, I don’t want to feel in any way responsible. What’s up? You might look a bit pleased instead of sitting there groaning like I’d just told you we were going to have to operate on your piles.
Nay, lass, of course I’m pleased you’re going to come clean, only I were half-expecting the way you’ve been rattling on that you were building up to a full confession!
Then you’re going to be disappointed. But two things you ought to know. One is that not long before the storm broke, Lady Denham and me had a bit of a storm of our own. No prizes for guessing what about. I’d been having a wander round the grounds and I came back by the stables. No hunters there anymore since she called it a day after Sir Harry broke his neck, but she still kept her old hack, Ginger. Liked to feel something between her legs, and I bet if she’d ended up in a wheelchair she’d have had it built twice as high as normal so’s she could still look down on the peasants.
Didn’t like her much, did you, luv?
You really are a great detective, aren’t you, Andy! Anyway, I thought I’d say hello to the horse. I like horses, specially when they don’t have idiots perched on their backs. But as I got near I saw the door was ajar and I could hear a voice inside. It was Daph Denham, though I didn’t recognize it straight away, it sounded so soft and sad—human, y
ou know, not her usual way 3 2 8
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of talking, like you were a public meeting she’d rather not be attending.
Oh aye. And who were she talking to?
Ginger, of course! Everyone says . . . said that the horses were really the only things she loved. She could treat humans like dirt, but her horses got the best of everything. Perhaps this was where she headed when she was unhappy . . .
Nay, lass! Don’t go sentimental on me.
Why not? There’s good in all of us, Andy, though it takes a clever surgeon to find it in some.
I’ll remember that. So what was this sad human stuff she were saying?
Didn’t hear much of it, it was the intonation that struck. But I did catch something about trusting people, and a pig squealing, I think.
Mebbe she were thinking the animal rights people were right and she should give up the pigs and go veggie?
Didn’t get the timing right then, did she? Like I say, I surprised myself by feeling a bit sorry for her, her own party, lady-of- the-manoring it over the hoi polloi, and still she ends up talking to a horse! I’d have moved away quietly, only there was an old feed pail by the door and, as I turned, I gave it a kick. The horse neighed—must have thought it was feeding time—and Lady D called, “Who’s there?” I’d still have made my getaway if there’d been time, but she was at the door in a flash. Looked me up and down, then said, “Oh, it’s only you, Nurse Sheldon.” She always called me Nurse Sheldon, like it was a put-down.
And were you? Put down, I mean?
No. I was still feeling sorry for her. I took a sip of my wine—I had T H E P R I C E O F B U T C H E R ’ S M E AT 3 2 9
a glass of red—champagne goes to my head—and I said, “Hello, Lady Denham. Just admiring your grounds. Looking really lovely, aren’t they?” That seemed to provoke her.
Why? Sounds pretty bland to me.
I think that may have been the trouble. I usually look her in the eye, give as good as I get, without being openly rude. This time, I don’t know, maybe I sounded too polite, a bit friendly even, as if I was feeling sorry for her. I think she caught that, and that’s what got her rag.
So what did she do?
She lost it. Thinking about it later, I reckon that whatever it was sent her to the stables, it was something that had made her very angry and very sorry for herself at the same time. It was the unhappy bit that came out as she was talking to Ginger, but now all the anger came bubbling up—no, not bubbling, exploding! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! She told me I had no right to go wandering round her property at will, I was only there on sufferance as a paid employee of the Avalon, to represent the nursing staff, and if I had any true sense of my place I’d be back on the lawn, making sure the important guests like Dr. Feldenhammer got properly looked after, instead of wandering round, half inebriated, sticking my nose in where I had no right to be.
By God, lass! And you stood there taking this?
Well, no. After a bit I got angry too. Do you blame me? I said things I shouldn’t have said.
Like what?
That she thought she was so special but in fact she was a laughing-stock. A geriatric nymphomaniac running after a man twenty years younger than herself, a man who found her at best ridiculous, at worst revolting.
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You don’t take prisoners, do you, Pet!
I’m not proud of some of the things I said, Andy. I ended by telling her it was time the world knew exactly what kind of monster she was and then even her sodding title wouldn’t protect her. By this time she’d stopped yelling back at me. She just stood there, looking at me like I was a piece of dog dirt. And she said something like, “What I am, I am, Nurse Sheldon. I do what I need to do and I accept the consequences. Now go away. You are pathetic.” Suddenly I ran out of things to say. That’s when I threw my wine over her.
Why? I mean that was nowt compared to what you’d been saying to her. A geriatric nymphomaniac! She must have said summat more than, “You are pathetic.” Summat really offensive. Or threatening. Come to think of it, this thing about letting the world know what kind of monster she was—what’s that mean? Just fancying old Fester doesn’t make her a monster, not in my book, anyway.
You know what it’s like in a row, Andy. Words just come out.
Mebbe. Okay. Then what? You and her ran at each other and started pulling each other’s hair?
No. She stood there like the wine was nothing, I was nothing. I walked away. All right, maybe I walked away because I was afraid of what I might say or do next, but I didn’t do or say it. I went and found Lester and told him what had happened.
Looking for a comforting hug, were you?
To warn him that the big moment had likely come. He was going to be faced with a choice, her or me.
Rarely a wise move, luv, facing a man with a choice. What did he say?
T H E P R I C E O F B U T C H E R ’ S M E AT 3 3 1
He said he’d have a word with her, get things sorted. I was still pretty wound up. I said he better had, and quick, I wasn’t going to put up with that old biddy treating me like dirt any longer. Then the storm started and everyone rushed back to the house. I made for the conservatory. It was dark in there and I found a corner hidden away behind a shrub.
By yourself?
Yes. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Other people came into the conservatory, but I don’t think any of them saw me. I just sat there and fumed till the storm passed. Then I went outside.
So Lester was telling a porkie when he gave you an alibi?
Yes. I didn’t want him to, but when we got back here last night, he said that if Daph Denham had mentioned our bust- up to anyone, it might look bad. It was simpler if he said we’d been together in the conservatory during the storm and it would save the police wasting time going down a dead end.
Very civic-minded of him. And after the storm? Were you there when they found Lady D?
In fact, no. Someone spotted your friend, Franny Roote . . .
Nay, lass, not my friend.
Sorry. He speaks very highly of you. Anyway, his wheelchair had got stuck at the bottom of the lawn, which was really boggy after the downpour, and the poor lad had managed to tip it over trying to get it to move. I don’t know how long he’d been lying there, trying to get the chair upright and drag himself back in. He was a right mess, soaking wet and covered with mud. Someone had to look after him, and I was the obvious choice. I got him back in the chair and a couple of us manhandled it onto firmer ground. Then I pushed him back to the hall. I heard this uproar behind us—that 3 3 2
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must have been when they found Lady Denham’s body—but I was concentrating on getting poor Franny back inside where I could check him out properly.
Aye, quite right, the patient comes first, eh? So how was poor Mr.
Roote?
Fortunately he didn’t seem to have done himself any real damage, so it was just a case of cleaning him up and drying him down as best I could. And while I was doing this, people started coming back inside, all talking about the murder, naturally.
That must have been a shock.
Of course it was a bloody shock! She was an old monster, but that didn’t mean she deserved to be killed and roasted like a pig! I couldn’t take it in. I just concentrated on getting Franny sorted. He was really upset, didn’t want to leave, but I told him if he didn’t get himself home and into some dry clothes, I wouldn’t answer for the consequences. A man in his circumstances is very susceptible to pneumonia. I wheeled him out to his car and helped him in. I offered to go with him, but he said no, he was fine now. Then he drove off. I was going to go back into the house, but suddenly I couldn’t face it. Also I’d got myself all mucky cleaning up Mr.
Roote. So I got into my own car and drove back here. I got myself cleaned up, then I had a word with you, remember?
A pleasure as always, Pet,
but why did you do that?
I don’t know. I thought, being a policeman, you ought to know what was going off. After we’d talked, I went up to the clinic, saw Lester’s car there so knew he was back. And I went in and we talked things over.
And cooked up your little story, to save us poor overworked bobbies from wasting time down a dead end. Kind of you, except of T H E P R I C E O F B U T C H E R ’ S M E AT 3 3 3
course you haven’t done it. Does Lester know you’ve changed your mind and are telling me what really happened?
Yes. After he rang me to warn me you were coming to see me, I looked out of the window and I saw you sitting out there on the lawn, and after a while, just watching you, I found myself thinking, That doesn’t look like a man I want to lie to. So I rang Lester back and told him I’d decided to come clean.
Did he give you an argument?
Not really. He said it was up to me, he was still ready to stand by our story, even if it meant lying in court. I said I was really grateful but I didn’t want it to come to that, and he said in that case it was probably for the best, and to tell you he was sorry, and if you wanted to see him again, this time he’d be completely frank with you.
Big on him! So then it was love and kisses down the line and promises you’d meet up later for something a bit more substantial. Nay, don’t look offended, lass. With old Daph out of the way, you don’t want to hang about. Strike while the iron’s hot.
And when you’ve both got your breath back, you can tell Lester I’ll look forward to talking to him again, but meanwhile I’ve got other fish to fry. Right? Now I’ll be off. Take care, Pet. And try not to kill any patients, eh? Not with the boys in blue all over the town! Cheers!
8
So what do you make of that, Mildred? I could do with a bit of female input.
Nowt worries me more from a woman than a sudden rush of honesty. Usually means they’re hiding something, in my experience!
D&P23 - The Price of Butcher's Meat aka A Cure for all Diseases Page 34
