by Michael Kun
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Skylar Publishing Company:
Why did you send me a book about writing children’s stories? I don’t have any children, I don’t know any children and I have no intention of writing any children’s stories! The reason I requested Write Like A Pro: A Guide to Writing Success for the Intermediate Writer is that I am trying to refine my skills so I can take on a position as columnist at The Sun, Baltimore’s daily newspaper. I assure you that very few children read The Sun.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Editor:
Thank you for your note. I was disappointed to learn that The Sun is not looking for a new columnist at this time. I hope you will keep me in mind should an opening arise.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Bob:
Thank you for forwarding my mail to my home, along with my severance check.
I appreciate that my employment at Empire Software did not end as pleasantly as I would have hoped. Nevertheless, I trust that you are providing me with a positive reference whenever you are contacted by the software companies who are interested in my services. It would be the professional thing to do.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Editor:
I am in receipt of your newsletter, Spanking Times, which was forwarded to me from my former place of business, Empire Software. I have no idea how my name got on your mailing list. In any event, I would appreciate it if you would stop sending the newsletters to my (former) business address.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Baltimore Union Mission:
Enclosed please find a check for $25 to help you with your efforts. The work you do is most admirable, and I only wish I had more funds available at this time so I could send a larger check.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed is a check for a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed is a check for a one-year subscription to Entertainment Weekly.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed is a check for a one-year subscription to People.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed is a check for a one-year subscription to US.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
I AM SO BORED!
I know it’ll only be a matter of days before I find a new job, but I’m going stir crazy at home.
Question: what do people who stay at home do all day? If you know the answer to that question, please let me know as soon as possible. In fact, send me the answer by Federal Express!
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed is a check for a one-year subscription to Playboy.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed is a check for a one-year subscription to Penthouse.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed is a check for a one-year subscription to Big Boobs.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
I am now receiving your newsletter, Spanking Times, at my home address.
If you are going to continue to forward it to me, at least put it in a plain brown envelope! Jesus!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
I’ve been doing a lot of reading while I’ve been out of work. It’s amazing how quickly time passes when you’re curled up in bed with a good book or magazine.
A strange thing happened yesterday. I was flipping channels on the TV, and I ran across an episode of your old TV show “T.J. Hooker.” I don’t normally watch cop shows—it’s a little too neat that every crime gets wrapped up in exactly one hour—but I watched anyway. There was a scene where you were on the hood of the car trying to hold on while the crook was speeding off at about 100 miles per hour. What was strange was that I was suddenly very worried. Not for your character, but for you as a person. I have no idea how you do stunts like that, but even though I knew you weren’t hurt doing the scene, I couldn’t help but worry. It’s so odd seeing a girl you went to college with holding on to the hood of a speeding car, regardless of the context.
Hope you’re doing well. I’m still looking for work. I know something will turn up soon.
Take care.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear [Insert Name]:
I still have not heard from you about the [insert title] position. If I do not hear from you within five days, I am afraid I will have no choice but to accept another position.
I look forward to hearing from you soon and hope to have the opportunity to help take your company into the future!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Bob:
Has anyone from TCSI, Cosmo Software or New World Software called you for a reference? If so, I trust you are speaking very positively of my contributions to Empire’s success.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
I AM INCREDIBLY, PAINFULLY, PRETERNATURALLY BORED!
(I just saw the word “preternaturally” for the first time yesterday in an issue of Entertainment Weekly. Seems like a good word, don’t you think?)
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. Sorry if this note smells a bit like paint—I painted my living room and dining room today. They’re both blue now, in case you were curious. They were blue before, too, but a different shade.
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It Ma
y Concern:
Enclosed please find a check for $19.95 for the “Super Hits of the 70’s” CD, which I saw advertised on television last night. Please send it to the above address.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed please find a check for $39.95 for the Juicemaster II, which I saw advertised on television last night. Please send it, along with the bonus peeler, to the above address.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed please find a check for $29.95 for the Tooth So White product I saw advertised on television last night. Please send it to the above address.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
P.S. I hate to butt in, but technically shouldn’t it be called Teeth So White instead of Tooth So White? Tooth So White suggests that it will only whiten a single tooth. I suspect that most customers are like me in that they’re trying to get all of their teeth white, not just one of them. Just a thought.
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Enclosed please find a check for $29.95 for the Bead-Dazzler Belt-Maker, which I saw advertised on television last night. Please send it to the above address.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Did I mention that I decided to try my hand at writing again? As you may recall, I always wanted to be a writer—hence, “The Bear Facts” in The Daily Bruin—so I figured I’d give it a try. I mean, when will I ever have as much free time on my hands as now?
Anyway, I gave some thought to writing a column for The Sun, which is Baltimore’s daily newspaper. Unfortunately, I was unable to reach an agreement with the editor. So, I’ve put that aside for now and instead I wrote a little children’s story the past couple of days just to try my hand at it. It’s called “Fred Smells.” I’m enclosing a copy. Please let me know what you think. I suppose it would be much better if it had illustrations, but I can’t draw to save my life. Feel free to use such words as “brilliant” and “astonishing” (or, even better, “preternaturally brilliant” and “preternaturally astonishing”). Who knows, maybe I’ll become the next Dr. Seuss!
I look forward to hearing what you think. I’ll be holding my breath (figuratively speaking, not literally).
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
FRED SMELLS!
By Sid Straw
This is a story I have to tell.
It’s all about Fred—and how Fred smells!
I can say that because I know it’s true.
I’ve known Fred since he was just one or two.
Since he’s my best friend, I don’t think he’d mind
If I told you he smells ALL OF THE TIME!
Every minute of every day
Fred SMELLS—that’s just his way!
Sometimes he’ll say, “My, that smells delightful.”
Other times, maybe, “Oh, boy, is that frightful.”
It just doesn’t matter where my friend goes.
Nothing gets past Fred’s sensitive nose.
(And if you don’t know what “sensitive” means,
It means Fred can smell things he can’t even see!)
He’ll tip his head back, put his nose in the air,
And say, “Mom’s making popcorn, that is if you care.”
Or he’ll close his eyes tight and then just give a sniff.
“She’s baking us apple pie, just get a whiff.
He can tell right away when his dad cuts the grass.
“It smells kind of wet, but then that will soon pass.”
He can tell you when painters are working nearby.
“Paint smells a bit bitter, I can’t tell you why.”
He can tell when his dog takes a swim in the lake.
“It smells so bad, it could make your nose break!”
(And if YOU have a dog who has been soaking wet,
You’ll agree with his statement, I would have to bet).
To see if my friend was the world’s greatest smeller,
We conducted some tests one day in our cellar.
(A “cellar,” you see, is a word you can use
For the basement of your house, that is if you choose.)
I had Fred sit down and keep his eyes closed.
Then I put lots of things right under his nose.
Whatever I tried, and with no way of telling,
He guessed everything right, only by smelling!
“That smells soapy, so it must be shampoo.”
Of course he was right, that was nothing new.
Next I put a flower right under Fred’s nose.
“That smells very pretty, it must be a rose.”
I thought a sandwich might make him concerned,
“It smells like grilled cheese that’s a little bit burned.”
(Which is exactly what your parents might want to mutter,
If you made grilled cheese without enough butter.)
I brought a small bottle into the room.
“That one’s so easy—my mother’s perfume.”
“How about this one?” was what I next said,
And I held something round right next to his head.
“Oh, my, that smells awful, please take it away!
Onions make me cry, what more can I say?”
This went on all day, until almost night,
And Fred kept smelling everything—and smelling it right!
Then later that night as I lay in my bed,
I had an idea—and it involved Fred!
It was how we would win the school science fair,
And I’d only need Fred—just Fred and a chair
(And a fuzzy wool scarf that I normally wore
In the winter when sledding or going to the store.)
When the science fair started in the school gym,
There were projects fantastic, and projects quite grim.
There were gadgets, volcanoes, displays big and small.
There were 117 projects in all!
And what was first prize for all who had hope?
A brand new electronic microscope!
“Now, ladies and gentlemen,” I said at my turn,
“What you’ll see next, should you care to learn,
Is something you’ve never seen, I would suppose.
I present Fred—and I present Fred’s nose.”
Everyone clapped, though a little surprised,
When I put my wool scarf with flair over Fred’s eyes.
Only Fred was sniffling as I tied the blindfold.
He hadn’t told me that he’d just caught a cold!
(And if YOU’VE had a cold, then you certainly know,
Your sense of smell is the FIRST thing to go!)
I held a fresh orange, first thing, up to Fred.
“A glass of milk?” was all that he said.
“This has never happened,” I quickly confessed,
“But everyone makes mistakes, I guess.”
“Try again, Fred, and don’t answer in haste.”
“Could it be a tube of my favorite toothpaste?”
I tried something different: I tried chocolate cake.
“Is that our science teacher’s newest pet snake?”
I tried some floor cleaner that smells like pine trees.
“If that’s pepperoni, I’d like a slice, please!”
Everyone laughed so hard, and they laughed for so long,
Because Fred guessed everything—and guessed it all WRONG!
&
nbsp; I wish I could say that we still won first prize,
But my mother has warned me about telling lies.
So I’ll tell you the truth, ’cause there’s nothing to hide,
I will tell you what happened, and say it with pride,
I will tell you the truth, that there’s no real disgrace,
In coming in 117th place!
And even though we didn’t win first prize that day,
There’s still something true that I will always say.
My friend Fred smells, it just is a fact,
It’s the way that he is, and the way that he acts,
And he can smell better than me or than you—
As long as he doesn’t have a cold or the flu!
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Have you had a chance to read “Fred Smells” yet?
I’m holding my breath. I’m starting to feel very dizzy and lightheaded (although that could be the turpentine—I’m refinishing the dining room chairs).
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw (the new Dr. Seuss!)
P.S. Strange thing happened to me today. I was driving, and a woman pulled out of the Burger King parking lot right in front of me. I honked the horn so she would see me. At the next traffic light, she pulled up beside me and, her mouth full, started screaming at me, “I seen you, you bitch! I seen you, you bitch!” Very disconcerting. Is there anything more embarrassing for a man than to be called a “bitch”? (Don’t answer that question: I was being rhetorical.) Worse, is there anything more embarrassing for a WORLD FAMOUS WRITER than to be called a “bitch”? (Again, rhetorical.)
