by Michael Kun
I hope you and your colleagues will be more professional in the future.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Ms. Portino:
Thank you for forwarding a copy of my references and my background investigation report. As I suspected, they are erroneous (or, at least, misleading).
First, I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Communist. I didn’t even know there WERE Communists anymore.
Second, the restraining orders are a terrible, terrible mistake. They were obtained in Los Angeles while I was in Baltimore, as I have been for most of the past 20 years. I was not present at the hearings where the restraining orders were granted. As such, I had no opportunity to defend myself or to tell the judges my side of the story. It is a terrible, terrible misunderstanding.
Third, I did not engage in “wildly inappropriate” conduct while employed by Empire Software. I am afraid that there has been a terrible misunderstanding there as well.
I hope you will reconsider your decision to rescind my job offer. I truly believe I can help take the marketing team into the future!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear [Insert Name]:
I was wondering whether the [insert title] position is still available. I would like to be considered again and truly believe I can help lead your marketing team into the future!
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Sir or Madam:
I would like to reapply for unemployment compensation.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Baltimore Union Mission:
I recently sent you a check for $100. Unfortunately, my bank informs me that you have already cashed the check. Because of unforeseen circumstances, I am afraid that I must ask you to return the money to me as soon as possible. Please send a check to the above address as soon as possible. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Flower Land
Dear Mom,
I am very soory about the incident with the CIA.
Especially what they said about your cooking.
Love,
Ted
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Please cancel my cable television services. I am afraid I can no longer afford them.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Ms. Portino:
It was a political science class I took in college!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Dr. Katz:
I do not know if you will remember me or not. I was a student of yours about 20 years ago. I took a class you taught entitled “The Relevance of Lenin and Marx in Late Twentieth Century America.” My paper was entitled “Lenin versus the Middle Class Social Self-Consciousness.” Perhaps you will recall it: you gave me a B on it.
In any event, I would like to ask a favor. Would you mind writing a note to Ann Portino at New Solutions Software explaining that your class did not promote communism, but merely discussed and analyzed it? Your note would be most helpful in my efforts to secure employment.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Agent Friedlander,
I do not know where you have obtained your information, but I have never threatened to strangle my sister-in-law, and I have never claimed to have given Sharon Stone a wedgie in high school. I didn’t even go to high school with Sharon Stone. You’re thinking of Dave Lambert, not me!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Dr. Katz:
I received your note in today’s mail. I believe you are mistaken: I wasn’t the one who fell asleep in class; YOU were. Remember someone wrote on the blackboard “JUST A LITTLE KATZ NAP?” Remember?
In any event, could you send a short note to Ann Portino at New Solutions Software? It would be most appreciated.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mom,
I said I was sorry!
Love,
Sid
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Dave,
I am SO sorry!
Please apologize to Sarah and the kids for me. I am sure it was a very trying experience for all of them.
Sincerely,
Sid
P.S. To make up for all the trouble I’ve inadvertently caused, I’ve written a little story for your kids called “Fred Smells.” I hope they enjoy it!
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Agent Friedlander:
I have just learned that not only have you interrogated my friend Dave Lambert and his family, but now you have subpoenaed records from the FLORIST that I use. You are going too far. I have never used the “alias” of “Ted.” Those were typographical errors made by the florist!
Please stop this nonsense.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Dr. Katz:
I just received your note.
I was NOT the person who wrote “JUST A LITTLE KATZ NAP” on the blackboard.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Agent Friedlander:
I am begging you to stop harassing my mother. She is a good woman, and your suggestion that she has had a romantic relationship with Ted Monaghan is outrageous.
Once again, I ask you to please stop this nonsense.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Dave,
I just received your letter. Of course I remember that one of your sons is named Fred. I just don’t understand why he would be so upset. If you read the story, you would see that when I said “Fred smells,” I meant that he uses his nose to smell things, not that he stinks. In fact, I think it’s pretty clear in the story. Please go back and reread it.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Agent Friedlander:
Yes, I wrote “Fred Smells.” But I don’t understand why Dave Lambert would share it with you, or why you would find it the least bit interesting. It’s a children’s story, that’s all. Although the narrator conducts tests in his cellar, I assure you that I don’t conduct tests in my cellar—nor could I since I don’t have a cellar! A
nd although the narrator blindfolds his friend, I assure you that I have never done that.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Dr. Katz:
I don’t care what Dave Lambert told you: I was NOT the person who wrote “JUST A LITTLE KATZ NAP” on the blackboard. And I’m not going to tell you who did! It’s been 20 years, for godssakes! Who cares anymore?
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
P.S. Want to know who wrote that anonymous letter to The Daily Bruin calling you incompetent and a “disgrace to academia”? DAVE LAMBERT, that’s who!
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Ms. Portino:
Thank you for forwarding a copy of the note you received from Dr. Katz. Obviously, he’s a sad and disturbed man. In any event, I hope you will keep me in mind for any positions that become available at New Solutions.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Unemployment Commission:
I’m afraid there was a typographical error on my unemployment check this week. It was made out to “Sad Striw” instead of “Sid Straw.” (Apparently, the “i” and the “a” were transposed.) I don’t know how your records could indicate that my name is “Sad.” I’d appreciate it if you could correct this error on future checks. (I doubt there will be many more future checks as I have three job interviews next week!)
Thank you for taking care of this problem.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Please let this letter serve as my notice that I will be vacating my apartment at the end of the month.
Any future correspondence should be sent to me in care of my parents, Alexander and Helen Straw, at the following address:
18 Pony Place
Towson, Maryland 21294
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the United States Post Office:
Please forward my mail to the following address:
Mr. Sid Straw
c/o Alexander and Helen Straw
18 Pony Place
Towson, Maryland 21294
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is sent to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Sports Illustrated to the above address.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is sent to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Entertainment Weekly to the above address.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is sent to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of People to the above address.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is sent to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of US to the above address.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is sent to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Playboy to the above address.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is sent to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Penthouse to the above address.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is sent to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Big Boobs to the above address. I am also enclosing a dozen adhesive labels that indicate that your packages are being sent from the American Cancer Society. I would appreciate it if you would affix these labels to the envelopes before sending them to the above address.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
Dear Mrs. Kramer:
I am in receipt of your letter sent on behalf of the Maryland Unemployment Commission. I assure you that “Sad Striw” is not an alias, and I am not trying to defraud the Commission. I have never gone by the name “Sad Striw.” It was merely a typographical error on my unemployment check. I did not understand that cashing a check made out to “Sad Striw” would be problematic. It will not happen again.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw (not “Sad Striw”)
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
Dear Heather,
Just a note to give you my new address. I was unable to find any work and, as a result, have had to move into my parents’ home. Hopefully, it’ll only be temporary. Nevertheless, it’s pretty humiliating. It’s only a matter of time before the neighborhood kids start ringing the doorbell: “Mrs. Straw, can Sid come out and play?” (There is an up-side: I imagine I’ll be one of the first kids picked for every team! Hooray for me!) Worse, there is a great deal of tension between my parents and their next-door neighbors, the Monaghans.
I don’t want to go into too much detail about how pathetic it is to be living with my parents again: I’m afraid it might make me start crying. I’ll tell you this though: Tom’s wife’s birthday is next week, and I might have to borrow money from my parents to get her a gift! I’m SERIOUS!
Take care.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. HELP!
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
Dear Heather,
I just sent you a note yesterday and had a horrible thought—it might have seemed that I was asking you to lend me some money. I most certainly was NOT doing that. I sincerely apologize if it came across that way.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 212941
Dear Heather,
MY MOTHER TRIED TO TUCK ME IN LAST NIGHT!
HELP!
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
Dear Heather,
Today I cut the lawn and took out the garbage. I can’t wait to get my allowance! I’m thinking about using it to buy some new Hot Wheels and the loop-the-loop track!
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. HELP!
Janet,
Happy Birthday!
I hope you like the belt—I did the beadwork myself.
Sid
SID STR
AW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
Dear Tom,
I was NOT trying to be funny. I’m broke. Besides, if you look in the new People magazine, you’ll see that all of the stars are wearing beaded belts these days!
Sid
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
Dear [Insert Name],
I am writing to inquire about employment opportunities with your company. As you will see from the enclosed resume, I have worked in the computer field for nearly two decades. I believe my experience and my enthusiasm can help take the company into the future!
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
SID STRAW
18 PONY PLACE
TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294
OBJECTIVE:
To help take a computer software entity into the future
