The Locklear Letters

by Michael Kun

Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Monaghan,

  I was very disturbed by the message you left on my answering machine just moments ago. There is no reason to curse like that.

  How was I supposed to know you were diabetic?

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  P.S. By the way, although I may not have known that you were a diabetic, you certainly did. So why on earth would you eat the chocolates in the first place?! The box was clearly marked “chocolates.”

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Fisk:

  I am writing to follow up on our telephone conversation this morning.

  My father and I will meet you at your office at 4:00 p.m. next Tuesday to discuss our current legal needs. I am pleased to hear that you will allow me to sign over a check from the Maryland Unemployment Commission to pay for your services.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Dear Mr. Haring:

  I am enclosing a photograph of my beloved Sad for your upcoming story in The Los Angeles Times. I hope you will excuse the fact that he has a black eye in the photograph, but it was the only photograph of him I could bear to part with. Hopefully, your readers will be able to help find his corpse so we can give him a proper burial. Please make sure to note that he was last seen hunting in California with his good friends Frank Riceborough and Henry Callahan. Please make sure they also understand that there may have been an argument about payment for a shipment of marijuana.

  Very truly yours,

  Mrs. Sad Striw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Buckner:

  I have met with my new attorney. He informs me that it was unlawful of you to require me to pay $320.00 when I never retained you. Accordingly, unless you return the $320.00 to me within two weeks of the date of this letter, we will initiate a lawsuit against you. Assuming for the sake of argument that you will only need to invest three hours of your time to defend the lawsuit, it will cost you approximately $1,000.00 of your time if you choose to fight this.

  I will look forward to your response.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr Fisk:

  Thank you for your excellent work in convincing the district attorney’s office to dismiss all charges against my father. You were certainly right when you said that this was a “crime of passion.”

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  You’ll never believe this. At dinner last night, Debra informed me that her company is transferring her. You’ll never guess where they are transferring her—Los Angeles! I can’t believe it. We haven’t been dating long enough for me to ask her to stay: it’s only been a month. At the same time, I’ll be devastated if she leaves. I don’t know what, if anything, to do.

  I actually stayed up last night and wrote her a poem. This is it:

  THE STARS AND ME

  by Sid Straw

  Watch the midnight stars and moan,

  In four hours or so, they’ll leave you alone.

  They’re only stars, they will not miss you,

  They cannot hope or dream to kiss you.

  They can never take your hands and dance,

  Watch you walk into a room in your capri pants,

  Listen to you sing (wobbly, off-key),

  That’s the difference between the stars and me.

  The oceans and seas could turn to ink,

  And I would find something else to drink.

  Air to gas, or fire, or coal.

  I would find a way to breathe, I know.

  But if you were to pack your bags and leave,

  I’d have to teach my heart to beat.

  Tell it how to get through each day.

  Lie to it, say you’ll come back someday.

  The tall boats that could hasten your flight,

  They all set their course by the stars at night.

  Somehow, perhaps, I could make them realign,

  So the port where you land will always be mine.

  What do you think? Should I give it to her? Will she find it sweet and romantic—or will it scare her? Let me know. I value your opinion.

  I hope all is well with you.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  P.S. She likes to wear capri pants. Hence, the line about the capri pants.

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Buckner:

  Thank you for your check in the amount of $320.00.

  I am pleased we were able to resolve this matter without the need for messy litigation.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Fisk:

  Enclosed please find a check for $60.00.

  Thank you for your sound legal advice.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Agent Friedlander:

  Murder? I don’t know anything about any murder. Now that I think of it, I do remember Frank Riceborough and Henry Callahan saying something about a corpse and a dispute over some drug money, but I really didn’t think much of it. Maybe you should interrogate them—and soon!

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  P.S. Why is the CIA investigating this? Isn’t this out of the CIA’s jurisdiction?

  P.P.S. You didn’t hear this from me, but I believe both Mr. Riceborough and Mr. Callahan were in Dallas in November 1963. Coincidence?

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  Debra leaves for L.A. in two days. I didn’t give her the poem after all. I’m going to miss her.

  Anyway, she doesn’t know a soul out there. Maybe you could give her a call sometime for lunch or dinner. She’s a great girl. I think you two would really hit it off.

  Thanks.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Ms. Portino,

  As you will recall, several months ago you offered me a position with New Solutions, only to withdraw your offer after conducting a background check.

  I have retained an attorney, who has informed me that the background check you conducted violated federal law. Specifically, if an employer wishes to conduct a background check of an applicant, the Fair Credit Reporting Act requires the employer to first obtain the applicant’s express written permission. At no time did you ever get my express written permission to conduct a background check.

  Because of your violation of the Fair Credit Reporting Act, I was unemployed for several months and suffered tremendous embarrassment and humiliation. At this time, my lawyer and I are prepared to file suit if we cannot resolve this matter amicably. If the company would like to make an offer to resolve this matter, please do so within the next two weeks.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Ms. Portino,

  I am pleased we have been able to resolve this matter amicably without the need for litigation. Please forward the settlement agreement and the $30,000.00 settlement check to me as soon as possible.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 2
1294

  Dear Mr. Fisk:

  Enclosed please find a check for $3,000.00.

  Thank you for your sound legal advice.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Callahan:

  I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Riceborough:

  I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Bob:

  I hope this letter finds you well.

  It has come to my attention that you provided false information to a number of prospective employers when they called Empire Software for a reference check. As you may know, this is known as “defamation” in the legal world. I would hate for us to get involved in nasty litigation about this matter, particularly since such litigation may require me to disclose information about your relationship with Cyndi in Human Resources. If you have any interest in trying to resolve our dispute in a less public manner, please let me know.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Bob:

  I am pleased we were able to resolve this matter so swiftly.

  Thank you for overnighting the $25,000.00 settlement check to me. Of course, you can count on me to adhere to the terms of the confidentiality agreement you drafted.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Fisk:

  Thank you for your sound legal advice.

  Enclosed is a check for $2,500.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Debra—

  I miss you.

  Love,

  Sid

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  I’m going to be in Los Angeles next weekend to visit Debra. Any chance you’ll have some free time when we could get together?

  Let me know.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  Debra—

  I’m sorry that you thought I was coming on too

  strong when I signed my last card “Love, Sid.”

  Looking forward to seeing you this weekend.

  Love,

  Sid

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  To Whom It May Concern:

  Enclosed please find a check for two airline tickets I purchased from Baltimore, Maryland to Florence, Italy.

  I would appreciate it if you would send them via overnight delivery as they are a gift.

  Thank you.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  To the Baltimore Union Mission:

  Enclosed please find a check for $5,000.

  Keep up the good work.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  I’m writing this letter from a plane headed toward L.A. I swear, the average age of the passengers on this flight is 18. Months, not years. There must be 50 babies on this flight, and they’re all screaming. It’s like some special Pampers promotion. There are two babies behind me, one next to me, and one in front of me. I am NOT kidding. I have no idea how I’m going to put up with this for five minutes, let alone five hours. Pray for me, will you?

  I have to admit I’m a little nervous about seeing Debra. I’m sure everything will be terrific once we see each other, but I keep wondering if it makes sense to date a girl who lives 2,000 miles away. Does it?

  The baby next to me just got sick. The baby behind me is making a noise that sounds like “Dabba-mogga-goo! Dabba-mogga-goo!” (Just thought you’d want to know.)

  Work’s work. It’s not very exciting, and most of the people I work with are at least 10 years younger than me. I don’t know any of the bands they listen to. Worse, have you noticed that people in their twenties never “say” anything? They always “go” or are “like.” Here’s an honest-to-God, verbatim conversation at work the other day:

  Cathy: So Stephanie goes, “Do you want to come over on Saturday night?”

  T.J.: She’s all like weird, isn’t she?

  Cathy: Uh-huh. So I go, “I don’t think so.” Then she goes, “Come on, it’ll be like great.” And I’m all, “Whatever.”

  T.J.: Dabba-mogga-goo! Dabba-mogga-goo!

  You get the point.

  There’s now a whole plane full of babies chanting, “Dabba-mogga-goo! Dabba-mogga-goo!” It’s an uprising! I’m frightened!

  The movie’s about to start, so I’d better end this letter before they turn the lights down—or before the babies take over the plane and hijack it to Disneyland.

  Wish me luck with Debra this weekend.

  Take care.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  P.S. I’ll be moving out of my parents’ home in a couple weeks. Please file that under “Good News.” It’s a pretty thin file, isn’t it?

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  Sorry I didn’t get a chance to catch up with you while I was in L.A. visiting Debra. I’m sure you were very busy.

  In any event, I don’t think I’ll be in L.A. again before the reunion. Let’s just say that I don’t think Debra and I will be seeing each other anymore. You don’t really know someone until you spend 24 hours with them, if you know what I mean (and I’ll bet you do).

  Hope all’s well with you these days.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  P.S. Do you know if Tracy Swid is going to the reunion?

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  To Altimo Holding Company:

  Enclosed please find a check for $18,000.00 as a deposit on my new townhouse in Federal Hill. I will look forward to closing on the property at the end of the month.

  If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to call.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  To Whom It May Concern,

  This letter is to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Sports Illustrated to the above address.

  Thank you.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  To Whom It May Concern:

  This letter is to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Entertainment Weekly to the above address.

  Thank you.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  To Whom It May Concern:

  This letter is to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of People to the above address.

  Thank you.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  To Whom It May Concern:

  This letter is to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies
of US to the above address.

  Thank you.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  To Whom It May Concern:

  This letter is to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Playboy to the above address.

  Thank you.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  To Whom It May Concern:

  This letter is to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Penthouse to the above address.

  Thank you.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202