The Locklear Letters
Page 12
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is to inform you of my change of address. Please send my copies of Big Boobs to the above address.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the United States Post Office:
Please forward all of my mail to the following address:
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Mom and Dad,
Just a quick note to thank you for letting me stay with you the past several months. I know you never expected to have me under your roof again. I appreciate all your kindness.
The airline tickets are just a token of my gratitude. Florence is supposed to be beautiful this time of year. (I’m speaking of course of Florence, Italy, not Florence Henderson. Although I’m sure Florence Henderson is lovely this time of year, too).
Your loving son,
Sid
To the Editor,
I have two friends who would like to be added to your mailing list for the Spanking Times newsletter. Please add Frank Riceborough and Henry Callahan to your mailing list; their work addresses are enclosed. I am also enclosing an article they have co-written entitled “No More Living A Lie! Our Many Years As Cross-Dressing Bondage Queens.” I hope you will find the article suitable for publication in an upcoming issue.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
Sad Striw
P.S. Now that I think of it, please add my friend Sam Haller at Empire Softward to your list. The address is in your files.
To the Skylar Publishing Company:
Enclosed is a money order for $39.95. Please send the following books to my friend Frank Riceborough:
1) Barely Legal Babysitters
2) Get on Your Knees, Slave!
3) Transvestite Love Boys Get Lost
The money order includes shipping and handling charges.
Sad Striw
To the Skylar Publishing Company:
Enclosed is a money order for $52.75. Please send the following books to my friend Henry Callahan:
1)Call Me Mommy!
2) Call Me Mommy (Part II)!
3) Hooter Attack
4) Fat Chicks Who Love to Lick
The money order includes shipping and handling charges.
Sad Striw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Callahan:
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Riceborough:
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
To the Video Stars Corporation:
I saw your advertisement in this month’s issue of Big Boobs and wanted to order the following videos for my friend Frank Riceborough:
1) Nasty Sluts Get Nastier!
2) Call Me Mommy (The Movie)!
3) Ass Party
A money order is enclosed.
Sad Striw
To the Aaron Adult Toy Company:
I am responding to your ad in Big Boobs. Please send items No. 22863 (extra large) and 462B (flesh colored) to my friend Henry Callahan.
A money order, including shipping and handling, is enclosed.
Sad Striw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Callahan:
I am in receipt of your letter.
Are you threatening me?!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Riceborough:
I am in receipt of your letter.
Are you threatening me?!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Callahan:
Enclosed please find a restraining order that I have obtained from the District Court of Baltimore City. As you will see, it requires you to stay at least 150 yards away from me at all times. It is a shame that your threatening letters made this necessary.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Riceborough:
Enclosed please find a restraining order that I have obtained from the District Court of Baltimore City. As you will see, it requires you to stay at least 150 yards away from me at all times. It is a shame that your threatening letters made this necessary.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Fisk:
As always, thank you for your excellent work.
Enclosed please find a check for $500.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Dear Mr. Marsh,
Thank you for forwarding the social security checks to me and my children. They will be quite helpful during this sad and difficult time.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sad Striw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Jeanne,
I just heard about your engagement to Sam Haller. Congratulations!
I wish you both all of the best!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
P.S. Please give my best to everyone at Empire, especially Cyndi in Human Resources!
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Messrs. Riceborough and Callahan:
I will dismiss my restraining orders if you will dismiss yours—and get me reinstated to the UCLA reunion committee. Deal?
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Dean Warren:
Thank you for your invitation to rejoin the Reunion Committee. I proudly and enthusiastically accept.
Yes, I am aware that the reunion committee has not made arrangements for the Sunday brunch. I will take care of that immediately.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Fisk:
Thank you for your sound legal advice. As you suspected, both Mr. Callahan and Mr. Riceborough agreed to withdraw their restraining orders.
I am enclosing a check for $250 for your services. Again, my thanks.
Best wishes,
Sid Straw
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear [Insert Name]:
I am chairperson for our UCLA reunion class. We are looking for a ballroom that would be able to accommodate approximately 2,000 for brunch the second Sunday in November.
Please let me know as soon as possible whether you would be able to accommodate us.
Very truly yours,
Sid Straw
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear Mr. Rollinson:
Yes, I am aware that it’s awfully late to be looking for a restaurant for reun
ion weekend. That’s exactly why I wrote to you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear Mr. Callahan:
I understand from your website that your law firm has a relationship with several well-known restaurants in Los Angeles. Would you mind putting me in touch with several of them—I’m afraid we do not have a restaurant lined up for our Sunday brunch during reunion weekend.
Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Ms. Tomberlin:
I was thrilled to receive your note. It had been so long, I’d completely forgotten that I’d even sent the first chapter of Invisible Sam to you! In any event, I’m pleased to learn that you enjoyed it and that Skylar Publishing Company might be interested in publishing it.
I have not worked on the book for a while, but should be able to send you several more chapters in a couple weeks.
Thank you again for your comments. I hope you will enjoy the rest of the book as much as you enjoyed the first chapter.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
P.S. I deleted the first chapter from my computer. Would you mind sending a copy of it back to me so I can type it back in? Thanks.
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Check out this letter I just got from an editor at Skylar Publishing Company! Incredible!
Now all I have to do is write the rest of the book!
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. Did you notice that every one of the my sentences ends in an exclamation point! Well, it’s true! See, it just happened again!
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear Mr. Steele:
This letter is sent to confirm our telephone conversation regarding Sunday brunch at the reunion. I will forward a check shortly.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear Ms. Vitelli:
This letter is sent to confirm our telephone conversation regarding Sunday brunch at the reunion. I will forward a check shortly.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear Mr. Petrocelli:
This letter is sent to confirm our telephone conversation regarding Sunday brunch at the reunion. I will forward a check shortly.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
I met the greatest girl yesterday. Get this: her name is Macy…and I met her at Macy’s department store! What are the odds of that? It’s like meeting someone named Exxon at an Exxon station, or someone named Blockbuster at a video store. (Feel free to make up your own. Go ahead. It’s fun!)
Anyway, I was looking for a lamp for my living room, and I’m horrible at decorating. Being a single guy, I don’t want anything too feminine. So I said to the saleswoman, “Do you have a boys’ lamp section? You know, lamps with footballs or machine guns on them?” Macy was standing there, and she started laughing. Then she said to the saleswoman, “Would you mind pointing me toward the girls’ lamps? I’m looking for something with Barbie dolls on it.” Before you know it, we’re helping each other pick out lamps, then going out for coffee. We’re having dinner on Thursday night. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Just as importantly, I’ve checked the records, and you haven’t signed up for the reunion yet. Why are you procrastinating? Come on, sign up already! It’ll be great fun.
I’ve got to run.
Take care.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. Here’s something funny Macy told me. She said that if she ever has a daughter, she wants to name her Saturday. Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES SATURDAY. Pretty funny, don’t you think?
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear Classmate:
Believe it or not, the reunion is only a month away. We’ve already had a tremendous response. In fact, it looks like we might have the largest reunion group in UCLA history.
A number of you have been asking for details about the Sunday brunch. Well, we’ve been keeping our plans under wraps until now. Rather than spend a beautiful Sunday morning in a stuffy banquet room, we’re going to have brunch outdoors…under a tent…on the beach in Malibu. Wait, it gets better! The brunch is going to be catered by…(we hope you’re sitting down for this)…WOLFGANG PUCK! Hold on, it gets even better! Entertainment will be provided by…(you better still be seated)…world famous pianist and singer HARRY CONNICK, JR. (Our thanks to Henry Callahan of the Class of 1964 for helping us make arrangements with Messrs. Puck and Connick.)
We’re looking forward to seeing everyone at the reunion. It should be a terrific weekend.
GO BRUINS!
Very truly yours,
Sid Straw
Chairperson
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Dean Warren,
Thank you for your kind note. It was my pleasure.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Chairperson, Reunion Committee
Flower Land
Macy—
Has anyone told you that you’re an angel?
—Sid
Flower Land
Mom—
Macy and I wanted to thank you for cooking such a lovely
dinner last night. We had a wonderful time.
Love,
Sid
Flower Land
Macy—
Get well soon.
Love,
Sid
Flower Land
Macy—
I think I love you! No, I’m positive I do!
Sid
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Please cancel my subscription to Playboy effective immediately.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Please cancel my subscription to Penthouse effective immediately.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
Please renew my subscription to Big Boobs for two more years. A check is enclosed.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Kate,
Thank you for your sweet and touching note. I am so sorry to learn that things did not work out between you and your old boyfriend. However, I’m dating an absolutely wonderful girl now, and, as such, I don’t have any interest in trying to “rekindle” our relationship. I wish you the best of luck with everything though.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
P.S. Sorry to hear you lost your job. I’m sure you’ll find something soon! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Janet,
I wanted to send you a quick note about two matters.
First, I wanted to tell you how excited I am for you and Tom about your pregnancy. It’s terrific news, and I couldn’t be happier for the two of you. You’ll be great parents! (And I won’t be half-bad as an uncle, I promise.)
Second,
I wanted to make a much-belated apology for my behavior at your wedding. My conduct, though unintentional, was entirely inappropriate. I hope in time you’ll come to forgive me. (In fact, if I ever get married, you are hereby invited to engage in whatever crazed and peculiar behavior you desire. Then we’ll call it even.)
Again, congratulations about your wonderful news.
Love,
Sid
P.S. If you and Tom are looking for baby names, our parents liked “Sid.” Just thought I’d throw that out for your consideration.
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
I know I haven’t written in a while, but I wanted to share some great news: I got a promotion to Regional Manager. It’s not much—I’m almost embarrassed to mention it—but now I feel like I can go to the reunion with my head held high.
Speaking of the reunion, it’s only a couple weeks away and you still haven’t signed up. Please sign up IMMEDIATELY. It’ll be fun. I promise.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. Things with Macy are still going great! I really think you’d love her.
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201