by Nicole Helm
“Who said what to you?”
Summer looked over to see Kate shake her head, refusing to look at either of them.
“Put me down. I want to go home.”
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
“No!” Kate wiggled some more, kicking at Thack, and Summer didn’t know whether Thack let her down because she was too hard to hold or because he was so shocked by her sudden violence. “I’m not going to school, and you can’t make me.”
She took off, and Thack took off after her. Summer knew it wasn’t her place to get involved. She should stay at the caravan and let Thack handle his own family. But she couldn’t let this one be. For the sake of both of them, she had to go. So she started running as well.
* * *
Thack felt like he was having a heart attack. Not because for the second time in not that many minutes he was running at full speed, dodging trees and a fence. But because his daughter was acting in a way he’d never seen her act. Not since the nonsensical tantrums of toddlerhood, but this wasn’t nonsensical. She was seven, and she didn’t want to go to school, so much so that she was lashing out, and it scared the living hell out of him.
She stormed up the stairs, but before he could follow her, Summer’s voice called out. “Thack, wait.”
“I will not wait when she’s…”
“Give her a few minutes.”
He whirled on Summer, a very safe place for his anger and fear and panic to land. “Do not tell me what to do.”
She came up short, breathing hard but still glaring at him. “Don’t yell at me when you’re angry with yourself.”
He wanted to yell, but what was there to yell? That she was right? That he was so mad at himself for not knowing what was wrong with Kate that he would gladly yell and fight anyone who did know?
So mad that he’d come back from his early-morning chores, Dad still asleep, and Kate had been gone. Just like the months leading up to Summer’s interference in their lives. Blind panic had surged through him. Had Kate wanted to explore? Had someone taken her? Was she hurt? Was she gone forever?
He’d kissed Summer, and this was his punishment—losing his daughter forever. But she’d been there with Summer. She’d been there. She was okay. Except for the crying and yelling and running.
“Thack, please. Listen to me.”
It was lowering to have to ask. It made him feel like the worst father in the world to ask, but what choice did he have? “What happened? What’s wrong?”
“She asked me not to tell.”
“Are you fu—”
“Please, just listen. I don’t want to kill her trust in me. It’s so important at that age to have someone you can trust, but you should know. You should know. I know. I’m…”
He shoved fingers through his hair. He’d lost his hat somewhere along the way, he realized, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was that Summer had the answers, and she was hesitating instead of telling him. “I won’t tell her you told me, but I have to know.” He stepped toward Summer, trying to be honest without being angry. “I have to know what I can do to help my daughter.”
Summer nodded jerkily. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears. Her breathing was slowly becoming normal, but she looked as if she were in pain. “Some little asshole told her friend he was going to kill her dog.”
Relief swamped through him. If this was about bullies, he could deal with that, even if he had to threaten the little asshole himself. “Please tell me my daughter didn’t say asshole.”
Summer laughed, sort of. There were still tears in her eyes and pain in her expression, and his relief went away, because he realized that wasn’t all. Of course it wasn’t all. His daughter was a lot of things, but overly dramatic about going to school wasn’t one of them.
“No, she did not. She did tell on him, and he got in trouble, but as they were leaving school that day he…”
“He what?”
Her composure broke, and she pressed a hand to her heart, clearing her throat as though she couldn’t quite get the words out. “He told Kate she…that her mother had died because of Kate. Killed her.”
Everything faded. Like he’d been thrown into a cave. He was in blackness, and he couldn’t breathe. Even when Summer’s hand closed over his, all he could see was black.
“I told her it wasn’t true. But she’s so certain. Certain that’s why her grandparents won’t visit. I know it isn’t true. I know—”
He pulled his hand away from her, turned away. His vision had returned, but every movement walking up the porch stairs felt like fire. Someone had dared say that to his child. The truth wrapped in a lie. Now he had to talk to her without finding the little fucker and showing him the meaning of a father’s wrath.
“Thack. It’s…not true. It’s not. It can’t be.” Her voice was so desperate, so plaintive. He wished he could lie to her, but if he wouldn’t lie to Kate about it, he wouldn’t lie to Summer.
“Killed, no, but it’s not as untrue as I’d like it to be,” he ground out, opening the door. He paused at the threshold. “I’m not going to make her go to school, but I’ll need some help watching her this morning if you’re available.”
“Of course. I’ll…I’ll make some breakfast.”
“Thank you,” he said stiffly, and then he walked up to his daughter’s room. He was facing the inevitable here. It was a small town, of course, and everyone knew. He’d just never expected someone to maliciously throw it into her face like that. Not when she was seven.
Seven.
He leaned his head against the wall next to her door. He could hear her crying. For a second he thought to ask his father’s advice, but he didn’t think he had the time. And more? His father hadn’t been the best at handling hard, emotional things head-on.
Not without being drunk first.
Now there’s an idea.
Thack pushed the thought away by stepping into the room, only to find the door locked. He almost laughed. She so rarely got mad enough to lock her door, and it was futile. He kept a little key at the top of the door frame.
But, maybe he should give her the chance to open it herself. A say in her own life. Maybe…Summer was right and she needed a few minutes alone.
“Kate. Please. Let me in. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”
After a few moments when he was sure his heart was being repeatedly ripped out of his chest, the doorknob shook and he heard the click of her turning the lock.
She didn’t open the door, but after a few seconds, he turned the knob and stepped inside. She was curled into a ball on her bed, still in her coat and boots.
There were a million things he wanted to say, but none of them would help. This was what some unthinking ten-year-old had wrought—a pain Thack would never be able to erase for his daughter.
Slowly, carefully, he sank onto her bed. He toed off his boots, gently pried her sodden ones off, then lay next to her, wrapping his arms around her. After only a moment, she turned to him and burrowed into the circle of his arms.
He could feel the dampness of her cheeks through his shirt. He held her tight, giving her all the comfort he possibly could. Hoping she knew that here she would always be welcome and safe.
“Daddy.”
He stroked her hair and held her close.
“Did I really… Did my mom… Summer said it isn’t true, but…”
Thack swallowed the thick and heavy lump in his throat. He wasn’t afraid of showing Kate emotion when it came to this. He never wanted her to think it was easy to lose Michaela, but he also needed to be able to speak, to give her the words she needed.
“When you were growing in your mom’s stomach, we found out that she was sick. Her being sick had nothing to do with you.”
Kate sniffled loudly. “Are you sure?”
“Positive. In fact, she used to sa
y you were her angel, because if you hadn’t been in there, we never would have known she was sick.”
“But she died anyway.”
He wiped his face on her pillow, then pulled her away so he could look into her eyes, red-rimmed and puffy. He didn’t know how to tell a seven-year-old her mother had sacrificed all she could to make sure her daughter would survive. But he looked at her so she would always know. God, please let her know. She wasn’t at fault. She’d been loved.
“Some people are miserable human beings, Kate. They feel bad, so they want to make everyone else feel bad too. Sometimes people will tell you that your mother dying had something to do with you, but they’re wrong. There were some choices she had to make, we had to make, to keep you safe and growing, because we wanted you so much. But nothing about that was your fault. Never think that what happened was your fault.” It was mine. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t make things right. I couldn’t work hard enough to give her what she needed to pull through.
He paused and dropped his gaze out of surprise. How had he fallen so far backward? After Michaela’s funeral, he’d immediately invested in therapy. For him, for Dad, and once she’d been old enough, he’d been on the lookout for any signs Kate would need it as well.
They’d gone through grief counseling, and Thack had tried to come to grips with what had happened. He had thought…he’d thought the feelings of guilt and blame had been worked through. Thought he’d moved on from that. But there they were.
Dr. Seaver had asked him if he’d ever blame his daughter for the choices they’d made in putting off Michaela’s treatment. He’d listened as Thack had ranted and raved about anyone ever thinking such a thing.
Then you can’t blame yourself either.
But here he was, in one breath telling Kate she was nowhere near to blame, and in the next he was heaping it all on himself.
He pressed a kiss to Kate’s forehead. “She got to meet you, and it was the best day of her life. She told me so.”
“I wish I could remember,” Kate said, her voice small and squeaky.
“I wish that too, Kate. I wish it so hard. But we have to find a way to…live and be happy. Because she loved you. We loved each other. And when you lose someone you love, you can’t let that take away all the other love in your life. We’ll always miss her, but we owe it to her to have the life she didn’t get to have.”
He had no idea if he was making any sense, or if he was talking over her head. But she’d stopped crying. She was still snuggled into him, but she didn’t seem so rigid.
“Are you going to make me go to school?”
“Not today. I’ll go call you in sick right now. You will have to go back tomorrow.”
She tensed.
“But, maybe we can go in early and talk to Mrs. Kinny about whatever got you so upset.”
She didn’t relax, but she nodded. “I think I’m going to go back to sleep.”
His cue to leave, but he was loath to let her go. Still, there were chores to do and phone calls to make.
“Summer is going to be here all day, but if you need me for anything, no matter how busy I am, I will come.”
Her smile was small, but it was a smile. He’d count that as some kind of victory. “If I want you to come…can Summer still stay all day?”
“Of course.” He wouldn’t deny Kate anything now, but more, as wrong as it was, as much as he knew he shouldn’t, he wanted Summer here too.
“And she can help decorate tonight since we didn’t last night?”
“Yes.” He eased off the bed, back into his boots, and then pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I love you, Kate. You don’t ever have to run away from me like that. You only have to be honest.”
“I didn’t want to make you sad,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears again.
There weren’t many moments of parenting that were like bolts of lightning. He’d had very few times when Kate had said something and he could immediately see all the ways he’d gone wrong. Life with a child was usually too muddled, too gray, too complex.
But this… He saw it all so clearly. He’d shouldered all his feelings and shut them away, kept them under lock and key, to the point where Kate was afraid to share her own, and that…that would never be okay.
“It would make me even sadder to not know what’s wrong. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to hurt. As long as you’re honest with me, we’ll find a way to be happy.”
“Are you happy, Daddy?”
What a far more complex question than it should be. Two hours ago, he would have lied and told her of course he was, but this whole thing…
He’d made a hash of his life these past few years, so much so that he didn’t even have a life, and he wasn’t sure how to work through that yet. Wasn’t sure how to balance the guilt and the fear that he was cursed, even knowing how stupid that was. He had no idea how to navigate it all, but he’d been ignoring that, pushing it away, and that wasn’t the answer either.
“I’m happy that we talked, and I’m happy that you’re mine, my wonderful girl.” He pressed another kiss to her temple. “I love you, Kate. Always. Forever.”
“I love you too, Daddy.” She made a big fake yawn, and he took it as his cue to leave, though walking out her bedroom door might be among the top ten hardest things he’d ever have to do.
When Thack reached the bottom of the stairs, Summer was sitting on the couch in the living room. She was crying, and her face was as red and blotchy as Kate’s had been. Something in his chest shifted. How could she be so worked up over something that didn’t even touch her?
She hopped off the couch and crossed the space between them, wasting no time in flinging her arms around his neck and holding on tight. “Tell me she’s okay.”
He swallowed, both at how deeply she cared, and how good it felt to have someone come up and hug him after what he’d just been through.
He rested his hand on Summer’s back. She was cold, wearing some spandex-y excuse for clothes. “She’ll be all right.”
Her body slumped, and he held her upright. The funny thing was though, she seemed to be holding him upright too.
Chapter 17
Summer pulled away, feeling silly she’d so completely lost it. Kate wasn’t hers. Thack wasn’t hers. She was a friend at best, an employee at worst, but the bottom line was—she cared. She cared so much, and it hurt to see them hurt.
“Sorry,” she mumbled, trying to pull herself together.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I owe you… Thanks doesn’t even begin to cover it.”
She worked at cleaning up her face, though she knew she had to be failing. She felt wrung out and empty. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what they were feeling. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Kate came to you. You listened. You’ve given her someone she can trust. Someone safe to run to when she’s afraid of…” His throat moved. “She didn’t want to make me sad. But, if you weren’t there, where would she have gone? Would I have ever even heard about this?”
Summer blinked, feeling emotional all over again. “I’m just so sorry it happened.”
“Me too.” His face looked pained, but there was something else in his expression, in his manner. She wasn’t sure how or why, but he didn’t seem so tense, so on edge. He wasn’t happy or relaxed by any means, but whatever had passed between him and Kate seemed to have eased something.
“I’m behind with the cattle checkup, so I’m going to go work. But, if she needs me, if she wants me, even for something quick or small or silly, she can come get me, or you can.”
Summer nodded because she didn’t have a voice, and even if she had one, she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what to do for him or Kate.
“Summer…”
Whatever he was going to say was interrupted by laughter. Male and female laughter, coming from the b
ack of the house. Both of their heads turned toward it, and she assumed Thack was just as surprised as she was to see Mr. Lane walking from his main floor bedroom…with a woman.
“Oops,” the woman said, trying to suppress a smile. “I think we’ve been caught, Merle.”
“You’re supposed to be taking Kate to school. And you’re not supposed to be here,” Mr. Lane said gruffly.
“Mrs.…Bart?”
“Hi, Thackery. I better scoot. I’ll call you later, Merle.” She patted Mr. Lane on the face and then, face averted, scooted toward the door.
“What’s going on here?” Mr. Lane demanded, staring at Summer intently. She supposed he noticed her puffy, red face and eyes, but she was still trying to process him leaving his bedroom with a woman. In the morning.
The front door clicked closed, and Summer glanced at Thack. He was wide-eyed, his mouth dropped open. On the positive side, she supposed he’d moved on from dwelling over his own terrible tragedy, at least for the moment.
“You…in your… Morning… But…Mrs.…Mrs. Bart?”
“Hell, Son, I’m only fifty-five. We can’t all live like monks.” He glanced at Summer, and she knew her face was going thirty-five shades of red, even as Mr. Lane disappeared back into his bedroom.
Ticking moments of silence followed, and Summer wasn’t sure that Thack moved. She wasn’t even sure he breathed.
“Are you all right?” she finally asked.
“My father is sleeping with my kindergarten teacher.”
Oh. “Well, I suppose that doesn’t happen every day.”
“God. What if it happens every day? In my house. With me in it.” He shuddered and shook his head. “I can’t… Nope. I need to get to work.” He glanced up the stairs toward Kate’s room.
Poor guy was really running the gauntlet this morning. “Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take good care of her.”
He nodded, eventually turning and leaving. Summer made breakfast and then had to have an uncomfortable conversation with Mr. Lane about why Kate was home.
“She wasn’t feeling well.”
