I swallowed, wondering if I should take it back or turn what I’d said into a joke. Did I really want that? A girlfriend? A long distance girlfriend?
“I asked you to be my girlfriend,” I told her.
“Van, are you serious?”
“Yes,” I said, but even I heard the fear in my voice.
“Wow. Okay. That was unexpected.”
“Yeah, I know. I, uh, it sort of just hit me, but I meant it.”
I wanted to mean it.
“Can I think about it?” she asked after a few seconds of painful silence, throwing me for a loop.
Think about it? What?
“Um, yeah. Sure.”
What the hell else was I supposed to say?
“Okay, cool. Well, I’ve got to go. Syd’s about to go on stage, and I want to watch the show. Can I call you later?”
I wanted to ask her to stay on the phone. She saw Sydney perform nightly. It wasn’t like she didn’t have the show memorized. She could miss the first few minutes. But I was afraid to go there, afraid I’d scared her off with my request, and it felt like I’d lost my leverage.
“Have fun. Tell Syd I said hi,” I said, swallowing my pride.
“I will. Bye Van.”
She hung up before I could say goodbye, and I was left feeling like there was a hole in my chest. I should have known better than to say what I had. She was going to tell me no. I knew it. She was going to call me back – eventually – and tell me she wanted to keep things as they were, or she was going to break up with me. Either way, I knew I was going to lose her, and that fucking stung.
I didn’t want to remember the rest of the story, but I couldn’t help the flashes of memories that assaulted me as I sat there listening to the words of the song that reminded me so much of Elisa and some of the last playful words she’d ever said to me.
Flashes of agreeing to go to a strip club with Phillip, of getting so wasted that I could barely remember my own name, of flirting with a stripper named Brandy and her friend, whose name I never got, of Phillip shoving ones down the girls’ g-strings, and of blond hair and huge fake tits and soft skin, and the delirious thoughts that it was Elisa grinding on me, Elisa whispering in my ear, and Elisa inviting me back to a private room.
Brandy looked like her. Okay, she probably didn’t in reality, but in my alcohol soaked brain, she looked like the girl I knew I was going to lose. I had no idea if that was why I slept with her that night, but regardless of why it happened, the truth was, it happened. And her friend recorded us, I got blackmailed, Elisa found out, and that was it.
Game over. Van loses. End of story.
Until now. Until the idea that another chance might be in the cards. Maybe it was the song, or maybe it was remembering how I’d felt that night; the sound of Elisa’s laughter in my ear, the hope that she wanted to be with me, and ultimately the feeling of loss, but it was suddenly pretty clear to me what I wanted. I wanted her.
I was lying to myself if I tried to believe there was another reason why I kept seeking her out and couldn’t seem get her off my mind. I liked her. I liked her more than I knew I should. It was the only logical explanation for why I kept throwing myself into her line of fire. If I really just wanted to be friends, I would have given up a long time ago. But the truth was, I wanted so much more, and each day I didn’t get a smidgen of what I wanted, the more I wanted it. It was a vicious cycle that I kept torturing myself through day after day.
I wanted her, and I wasn’t going to stop until I knew for sure that she was done. She said she was, but I still had hope – which was pretty much the only thing fueling me at that point. It was a thin hope, and the outcome was bleak, but that tiny sliver of hope kept me going back again and again. I’d lost her once. If it happened again, this time I’d be damn sure that it was for real and there was nothing I could have done differently. I wasn’t going to let myself settle for anything else.
Chapter Seven
Van
“You want to get out of town?” I called out to Phillip who was on the other side of the arena.
We’d gotten into Houston the night before and had woken up to rain falling steadily outside. Neither of us had wanted to venture far, so we’d grabbed our skateboards and headed over to the arena. Our roadies were erecting the stage that looked like the inside of a subway station and was more elaborate than any set-up we’d had in the past. There were moving pieces and elevated platforms – not to mention the actual subway car that we made our grand entrance in. It was intense, and it would take them all day to get it ready for our show that night.
Phillip and I figured we’d find a place out of the way to skateboard, and we’d gotten lucky when we saw that the floor seating hadn’t been set up yet. We had almost a full basketball court of space to mess around on, and we were taking full advantage.
“I’m pretty sure we’re getting out of town almost every night,” he called back to me after landing a kickflip. “Don’t we leave for Austin after the show?”
“I think we’re leaving in the morning, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the break. What were you thinking of doing?”
We had a week off, our first since we’d started touring a month ago, and the last thing I wanted to do was go home to Los Angeles. I was hoping Phillip would be up for a side trip.
Phillip shrugged. “Not sure. I might go to New York for a few days with Cam.”
“Seriously?” I raised an eyebrow as I sped past him, knocking his hat off as I did.
“Dick,” he muttered as he jumped off his board to pick up his hat and slide it back on his head. “Why are you giving me that look?”
“You’re going to crash Cam’s week with Andi?” I questioned. “He hasn’t seen her in a month. That’s not cool.”
“Fine, then I’ll just hang out at my place.”
“Alone?” I questioned, not loving the idea of Phillip being by himself in his downtown loft.
After rehab I’d gone to stay with him, because I was fearful that if left alone he’d have too many temptations. I was all about removing those temptations if I could – like I had the other night when we’d walked into the bathroom at a club in Denver and had encountered two guys doing lines of coke. I’d stopped short, turned and practically dragged Phillip out by the arm behind me.
He hadn’t been exactly thrilled about that, and we might have exchanged words that included ones where he accused me of not trusting him and being an overprotective asshole. Which might have been true, and then I might have spent the rest of the night groveling and apologizing. I guess I needed to trust him a little, but only enough so he wouldn’t know that I was fearful that he’d backslide. And being alone for a week might do it – or he might not be alone and invite people over, and that could lead to more trouble than I knew he was ready for. Either way it was a situation I wanted to help him avoid.
Phillip gave me a pointed look. “I’ll be fine, Van.”
“Yeah, I know, but won’t you be bored,” I said, sounding completely unconvincing as I changed tactics in an effort to not get into another fight with him. “I mean, I’ll be bored if I go home to L.A., and since all the snow’s melted, there isn’t any point in going to my house in Tahoe. You know?”
“Yeah, I guess. But what about Blair?”
I was actually trying to forget about Blair. In fact, I essentially flat-out forgot about her whenever Elisa was around or on my mind, which was pretty much always. I just hadn’t had made the effort to officially end things with her yet, but it was feeling sort of inevitable.
“Ugh,” I groaned, running a hand back through my hair. “I don’t know. She’s been a little clingy lately, you know, calling me every night and being all whiney about missing me and asking if I miss her. I’m not sure I want to deal with all that. I mean, she was cool for a while, but we’re just not at that point where missing each other is really relevant. I barely know her. And I know if I go home, she’s going to be over at my place twenty-four
seven. I don’t want that.”
Phillip eyed me skeptically. “Right, because getting laid multiple times a day for a week doesn’t sound awesome.”
I shrugged. “I’m just not in that mindset right now.”
“What the fuck? Who are you, and what have you done with my best friend?”
I waved him off as I took off across the expanse of the arena, turned and came back to where he was standing on his board, still looking at me like I was insane. I probably was. In the time I was gone, I still hadn’t thought of a good reason to explain why I wouldn’t want to spend a week in bed with Blair.
“I’m just not that into her anymore,” I said, knowing it sounded lame as hell, but it was true.
“Dude, she’s hot. What’s not to be into? Oh. Never mind. I get it now.”
“You get what?”
“Covert ops have never been your strong suit, Van. It’s because of Elisa, isn’t it?”
“Elisa,” I choked out. “No. Why would you think that?”
Phillip laughed. “Because you’ve been stalking her daily for the past month. You’re obviously into her.”
“I am not. You’re crazy. And I’m not stalking her. I’m just trying to be nice. I was a dick to her two years ago, and I feel bad. I’m trying to show her I’m a nice guy. That’s all.”
“That’s all?” Phillip questioned, not sounding at all convinced.
I waved him off. “Get off it. She’s a non-issue for me. Now about next week, do you want to do something?”
I was such a liar.
Phillip pulled his hat off and ran his hand back through his hair. “I don’t know. I was just sort of thinking of lying low. I’m fucking tired. This tour’s kicking my ass. I want to sleep and do nothing for a week, with no one to tell me where to be and when, with no reason to get up before noon if I don’t want to.” He shrugged. “Boredom sounds great to me.”
“Okay, I get it,” I said eagerly, trying to drum up what I was about to suggest so he’d get equally excited about my idea. I wasn’t sure he’d go for it. “But wouldn’t you rather do all that . . . down Mexico way?”
“You want to go to Mexico?” he questioned after eyeing me skeptically for a few seconds.
I shrugged. “Sure. We can go to that resort we went to last year. It’ll be chill.”
“Ah, that was a good time,” Phillip said, with what sounded like forced wistfulness, and then he took off on his board.
I narrowed my eyes at him as I watched him do a series of heelflips. He was a much better skateboarder than I was, and given my skills on a snowboard, that shouldn’t have been the case. I just didn’t maneuver all that well on wheels. I watched him show off his skills, and as I did, I realized why he’d said what he had.
“You don’t remember that trip, do you?” I asked him.
He laughed. “Yeah, not really. I remember getting there – sort of. And I remember waking up on the beach with a blond chick once, and I remember eating a lot of chicken.”
“Chicken?”
“Pork?” he questioned.
“What are you talking about?”
He shook his head. “No clue man. I was so out of it that trip. But I remember they had a really good restaurant at the resort. I think I went there a few times. I think. I don’t know.”
“Right,” I said, hating when he made a joke out of his addiction. I knew it was his way of making light of it in his mind, but it always seemed like it was too soon. “So, Mexico?”
Phillip shrugged. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever. So what’s Elisa doing during the break?” he asked, catching me off-guard, and almost making me go over the end of my board.
I jumped off at the last second and turned to glare at him. “Why would you ask that? I told you I’m not into her. Why would I care what she’s doing?”
Phillip just laughed, because he knew I’d been lying a few minutes earlier. He also knew how much it bothered me that Elisa continued to blow me off. I was still diligently working my ass off to get her to acknowledge me, and nothing was working. She wasn’t giving me an inch. She insisted on giving me one word answers to any questions I asked and keeping me at arm’s length.
I was just trying to be her friend. Forget the other things I wanted. I knew we had no shot at them if we couldn’t even be friends. And what was so wrong with us being friends? Why was she so against it? I was trying, dammit, and she didn’t even care.
In truth I was starting to lose my confidence. I’d never let her see that, but on the inside my ego felt a little battered.
“Don’t laugh,” I told Phillip. “I really don’t care what she’s doing.”
He shook his head. “You like her. Just admit it.”
“No, I don’t,” I said pointedly. “I told you she’s insignificant to me.”
“Then why are you trying to make amends with her? What’s the point?”
“Because I don’t like when people don’t like me,” I explained. “That’s all.”
“Because you like her,” he corrected.
I shook my head and rolled my eyes. “You’re delusional. I don’t like her.”
“Right. Then I guess you don’t care that she just walked by upstairs?”
I turned and looked over my shoulder without even realizing I was doing it, which only made Phillip laugh harder. I could just see the open area that ran around the arena, and from where he was standing, it would have been easy for him to see Elisa walk by – if she really did. He might have been messing with me.
“Did she really just walk by?” I asked him, turning back around to face him.
“Admit that you like her, and I’ll tell you,” he said with a shit-eating grin.
I waved him off. “I’m not interested.”
But I’d already started to jog toward the steps that led up and out of the arena.
“Then where are you going?” Phillip called after me.
“To get a soda,” I called over my shoulder.
“You’re such a liar! You like her. Admit it!”
“No! Never!”
I refused to admit it. I wasn’t going to do it. My dignity and pride were already taking regular hits from getting blown off on a daily basis, so the last thing I was going to do was admit something that would make me feel even more bruised. My friends would never let me hear the end of it.
“You’re such a tool,” Phillip called after me.
I ignored him, and when I got to the top of the stairs I looked around. I didn’t see Elisa anywhere. I wondered if Phillip really had been lying to get a rise out of me. I might kick his ass if that was the case. But first I was going to take a little spin around the arena and see what was what. There were people from our tour everywhere, so it was feasible that Elisa was around somewhere.
God, I was in trouble.
Although that was the last thing I was thinking when I rounded the first corner and found her looking at the site where our meet and greet was probably going to take place, making notes on her iPad. She carried that damn thing around like a security blanket, and I’d been wondering for weeks what she had on it. It had been so long since I’d gotten a glimpse into her life that a part of me wanted to steal it just to see if she’d really changed in the last two years or if she still had a secret addiction to Candy Crush and a collection of off-color eCards saved in her pictures.
I’d missed her little quirks. Funny that I’d let the best parts of her slip from my mind until I’d seen her again. They’d been my favorite things about her when we were dating.
Figuring a surprise attack was my best shot at getting near her without her telling me to get lost, I stepped off my board and picked it up, walking as silently as my Converse sneakers would let me as I snuck up behind her. When I was within two feet, I stopped, taking a moment to drink in the curve of her neck. Her wavy hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, leaving the soft skin of her neck exposed. It was a little torturous to say the least, because I knew if looking at her was barely a welcome gesture, touching
would definitely get me smacked, and if I looked for too long, I’d want to touch.
Knowing I had to stop torturing myself, I took a deep breath, hoping to suck in a surge of confidence along with it.
“Hey Lis. Whatcha doing?” I said, before I talked myself out of it and smiled when she jumped in surprise.
After pausing for a beat – no doubt to let the scowl settle on her face since she realized it was me – she finally turned around. And glared at me. Shocker.
“I’m working,” she said crisply.
I grinned. “I can see that. Need any help?”
She could glare at me all she wanted, but I wasn’t going to break character. I was going to be sunny and charming and overly kind because I knew one of these days she’d give in. She had to. No way could she keep this up for six more months.
“I’m fine,” she said, turning back around.
“So,” I said as I shoved my hands in my pockets and stepped into her peripheral vision. “Any big plans for the week off?”
“No,” she said, doing what she did best.
One word answers were her forte where I was concerned. Everyone else got fully articulated sentences, but not me. She was as brief as possible when she was forced to talk to me.
“Okay, well, what are your plans? Because Phillip and I are going to Mexico. You could come with us.”
I actually hadn’t planned on inviting her. It had sort of just slipped out, but now that I thought about it, I knew I’d like nothing more than to see her amazingly tight body in the little black bikini I knew she owned. I’d seen her and Keri lying out by the pool when we’d been in Vegas. She’d looked so freaking hot, and the images my brain had conjured up of her, me, and that teeny bikini were teasing me to the point where I almost begged her to say yes.
I hadn’t approached her when I’d seen her by the pool. I’d left her alone, because we were in Vegas, the veritable scene of the crime, and as much as the tagline promised that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, that wasn’t true for me. The damn place was haunted with my past indiscretions, and even I had enough sense not to remind Elisa of where we were and what I’d done there. I’d known that would be a surefire way to set all my hard work at being friends with her back a few months, so I’d laid low and gave her space that day.
Westside Series Box Set Page 49
