She smiled. “Not one.”
I leaned down and kissed her, realizing that it was now official. I was going to get to do that for the rest of my life. At one point I’d feared that all was lost, but in reality, I just needed another chance. I was glad Elisa had realized that too. It was why I loved her.
And even though I knew that what I'd just asked her had partially come from a place of impulsivity, and I knew her answer had come from the same place, I wasn't worried. Sure, we hadn't been together that long, we were young, and the lives we led created all sorts of unique challenges that would probably plague us down the road, but I didn't care. I knew what I wanted, and I had a feeling Elisa did too.
Just the reality that I’d asked her to be my wife for the rest of time was one of the things in my life that I was sure about. The future might have been fuzzy, but everything about Elisa and who she was to me was crystal clear. It always had been, and I'd just needed a little time to realize it. No matter what happened next, we'd be together, we'd handle it together, and we'd be alright. That I was certain about.
Playlist
I listen to music constantly, so inevitably songs have a way of working themselves into my stories. Below is a playlist of the songs I hear when I read this book. Some songs I referenced in the book itself, and others are just ones that I felt fit in nicely with the story. Enjoy!
Ghost - Ella Henderson:
The Kids Aren't Alright - Fall Out Boy
Chandelier - Sia
17 Crimes - AFI
Riptide - Vance Joy
In the Rearview - The Academy Is ...
Jamie All Over - Mayday Parade
One Night - Ed Sheeran
How You Get the Girl - Taylor Swift
Wrong - The Airborne Toxic Event
It Can't Rain Forever - Oh, Honey
I Bet My Life - Imagine Dragons
The Wrong Year - The Decembrists
Sugar, You - Oh, Honey
I'm So Sorry - Imagine Dragons
Last Night – Westside
The Answer - Automatic Loveletter
Something's Gotta Give
Hindsight - Lifehouse
Tidal Waves - All Time Low
Shut Up and Dance - Walk the Moon
Sing Me Sweet - Matt Nathanson
18 - One Direction
Hold Back the River - James Bay
Geronimo - Sheppard
Fool For You - Phillip Phillips
Cold Coffee – Ed Sheeran
You Are Not Alone - Lifehouse
Torch Song - AFI
City of Angels - Thirty Seconds to Mars
I'll Bet on You - Toad the Wet Sprocket
Sunrise Ends - Stars of Track and Field
Stars and Boulevards - Augustana
Hearts Like Ours - The Naked and Famous
The Eco-Terrorist In Me - Rise Against
The Secret - The Airborne Toxic Event
Hold the Door - Armor for Sleep
Iridescent - Linkin Park
The One I’ve Always Loved – Westside
Lifesize - A Fine Frenzy
Song lyric included in this text is from Jamie All Over – words and music by Mayday Parade; copyright 2007, Fearless Records
Lost to You
By Monica Alexander
Copyright 2016 by Monica Alexander
ISBN: 978-1-3115-4840-5
Cover Image: (c) Hrecheniuk Oleksii / www.shutterstock.com Stock Photography
This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or personals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
All Rights Reserved
No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from the author.
The information in this book is distributed as an “as is” basis, without warranty. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this work, neither the author nor the publisher shall have any liability to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by the information contained in this book.
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Chapter One
Phillip
I took a deep breath as I stepped through the doors of the place that had become my safe haven for the past two months. The sun was shining too brightly, and the air was crisp and cold enough to make me pull my coat tighter around me as I ducked my head to shield my eyes from the light. I wished I had a hat to block out the sun, but it had been cloudy the day I’d arrived, so I hadn’t needed one. All my hats were back at my loft in the city that I knew would feel cold and empty when I returned to it alone.
Being alone had always been my downfall. I hated it. I didn't do well by myself and had always tried to find ways to be around people. Isolation scared me. It led to idle thoughts, and idle thoughts led to the self-destructive decisions I’d been making for years. I didn't want to be alone, especially now.
Seeing a black Town Car come to a stop in front of me, I raised my head. The passenger window in the backseat rolled down, and I was gifted with the bright smile of one of the few people in my world that I could count on. I released the breath I was holding as I saw a face I’d found comfort in for close to fifteen years. Kelsey.
“Hey stranger. Need a ride?” she asked jovially, which I knew was one hundred percent because of the situation we were in.
This was a girl who knew every one of my secrets, my shames, and the pain I’d been living with for too many years to count. And because of that, she knew that right now I needed to pretend like everything was fine. I needed to imagine that she was coming by to pick me up for lunch like she’d done too many times to count since I’d moved to the city. I needed to not think about what lay ahead of me and how hard it was going to be. And I needed to forget for just a little while that I was leaving the rehab facility I’d checked myself into sixty days earlier, because after everything I’d been through, the failure that my life had culminated into was weighing heavier on my shoulders in that moment than it ever had before.
Knowing that was probably going to happen, I’d asked Kelsey to pick me up instead of one of my bandmates. I loved my boys. They were the closest thing I had to brothers, and I considered them family, but in that moment when I was coming to grips that I’d walked away from the safety of the doctors and the counsellors and the four walls that kept temptation out, I needed the one person who’d known me at my lowest points. Because for most of them, she’d been right there, getting lost along with me.
That had been a long time ago though. Kelsey had gotten her shit together a few years earlier, and she was in a better place than I’d ever seen her. But she still knew what it felt like to be on the bottom, to feel desperate, to know that no matter how much faith you had, things weren’t going to improve without a drastic change. It was why she’d been there when I decided I needed to go back to rehab two months earlier, and it was why I’d asked her to pick me up. She knew better than anyone what I was feeling in that moment.
“You cut your hair,” I said to her in response to her question about me needing a ride, seeing that her long chestnut brown hair was now cut in a chic bob that grazed her shoulders.
It was the best I could do. I didn't know what else to say. ‘Thanks for picking me up from rehab’ didn't exactly roll off the tongue. And ‘Sure, a ride back to the city would be stellar considering we’re out in the middle of nowhere’ just felt too obvious.
Kelsey smiled and tossed her head seductively, making her short hair swish over her wool-covered shoulders before falling back into place. She kn
ew what I was doing, and because of that, she was going to placate my unspoken desires to act like things were normal, when in reality normal had left the building right around the time I’d turned ten. It had been so long since I’d felt ‘normal’ that I wasn’t even sure I’d recognize it anymore.
“I wanted something different,” Kelsey said, shrugging. “You like?”
“It’s pretty much perfection,” I told her, figuring she already knew that.
Kelsey was beautiful in an effortlessly conventional way that made heads turn when she walked down the street. She defined gorgeous for women all over the country who saw her face on runways, in magazines, and as the face of a high-end cosmetics line, a designer fragrance, and as one of the muses for a top fashion house. She really was perfection – at least on the outside.
Having known her for most of my life, I knew there was so much more to her than a pretty face and the envious life she now lived. I knew the dark and twisted parts of her, I knew what she feared the most, and I knew what kept her up at night. But I also knew what she’d overcome, how strong she really was and that she had one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’d ever met. So yeah, she was pretty perfect in her own twisted way, which was probably what I loved most about her.
Kelsey winked at me. “Oh, Phillip, I always could count on you for a stellar compliment,” she said as she opened the door, slid over and patted the seat next to her. “Get in here. It’s freezing outside.” She shivered. “I hate this weather.”
“We’re not in South Florida anymore,” I reminded her as I climbed in beside her, tossing my duffel bag between us.
“No, we’re not,” she said as I closed the door along with the cold
I settled into the supple leather of the car, forcing myself to relax. I reminded myself that I’d taken a lot of steps while I’d been in rehab. I’d made progress, and I’d come a long way. This was just another step. I was going to be fine. Mind over matter.
“So how the hell are you?” Kelsey asked me as the driver pulled forward, following the circular drive toward the main road.
I looked back at the stately building, wondering if I was making the right decision as mind over matter flew out the window. I could have stayed longer. I’d been tempted to, but I also knew I couldn’t stay forever. I’d always known that at some point I’d have to go back to my life. It just felt too soon, but I had a feeling it would have felt that way regardless of if I left now, in six weeks, or in six months. I was an addict, I’d always be an addict, and I had to figure out how to live my life with that reality. No better time like the present, I supposed. I hoped.
“I am peachy,” I told Kelsey, leaning back and closing my eyes.
A few seconds later I felt her hand close around mine. “I’m glad you’re here.”
I opened my eyes, but I didn't lift my head. Suddenly, it was ten years earlier, and I was lying in a hospital bed. My wrists were bandaged, I was groggy from being asleep for too long, and Kelsey was sitting on my bed, her fingers laced with mine.
I’d never been so grateful to see her face as the events of the previous twenty-four hours slid through my mind like a slideshow, including the most recent incident, in which my dad had stopped by to see me. He’d stayed long enough to yell at me for being an idiot and a selfish brat, having been annoyed that he’d had to fly home from Tuscany where he was spending a month with Gigi, his new wife, who was maybe ten years older than me and who he’d known for less than six months. He knew I hadn’t been happy about him marrying her, and he thought I’d been acting out, that I hadn’t been seriously trying to kill myself and that I’d just wanted attention. He couldn’t have been farther from the truth
I felt like telling him he was lucky I hadn’t succeeded or else he’d have been obligated to stay home far longer than the few days it would take me to be released from the hospital, for him to set me up with a shrink and to hire a nanny to watch over me. Of course when he’d come into my room, the last thing I’d expected was for him to yell at me. I’d literally tried to slit my wrists because I was so unhappy with my life. And I was fourteen years old. So when he’d started railing on me, I’d just laid there in stunned silence, in utter disbelief of what I was witnessing.
My dad hated me. If I hadn’t known it for sure before, I knew it then. Not once had he thanked God that I was alright or told me he loved me or even hugged me. He hadn’t asked why I’d done it or if I was even okay. And that was because he didn’t actually care. He was just irritated that I’d ruined his honeymoon.
After he finished his diatribe, he told me I needed to get my head on straight. Then he told me he’d be back the next day when they released me, since he was required to do so by law because I was a minor, and then he left.
When the door to my room had closed and the silence engulfed me, I felt hot tears start to roll down my cheeks. In that moment, I had the very strong inclination that my father was disappointed that my suicide attempt had failed. And that hurt worse than anything I’d ever experienced in my life. To know someone wished you were dead so they didn’t have to deal with you anymore, it sort of makes you feel like your chest is caving in and squishing your heart. It was probably the last thing I needed to hear, and at the very least my dad should have realized that. He was such an insensitive asshole.
But he’d been that way ever since my mother had died four years earlier. I knew he was angry that she was gone, and he hated that she’d left him to take care of me alone, but I didn’t think he hated me. I was his son, his flesh and blood, but I guess that didn’t matter. The harsh truth that I was quickly coming to terms with was that he couldn’t stand me.
I ended up crying myself to sleep, feeling more alone than I had in years as I contemplated a re-do on taking my life. When I’d awoken, Kelsey had been next to me, her face pale with concern, and her twisted expression and tear-stained cheeks exactly what I needed to see. After everything that had been filtering through my mind before I’d fallen asleep, in that moment, I needed to know that someone in the world cared about me, even a little.
She squeezed my hand as her eyes filled with fresh tears.
I looked at her and said in a raspy, worn out voice, “I’m glad you’re here.”
I heard the desperation in my voice, and I knew she did too. A single tear slide down her cheek, but she forced a smile, probably wanting to be strong for me.
“You’re going to be okay, Phillip,” she said softly, and as those words resonated with me, for the first time since I’d decided to no longer be a burden to those around me, I was glad I’d failed.
My dad might not have given two shits about me, but I had people in my life who loved me. I needed to remember that.
“Of course he’s going to be okay,” Leah, Kelsey’s younger sister, said to her in an authoritative voice I knew all too well. “He’s going to be fine.” Then she looked at me pointedly. “You’re going to be fine, Phillip.”
Leah had always been the most pragmatic of the three of us. She didn't settle for wishes and whims. She was factual and determined that she could go after the things she wanted no matter what, even at thirteen. And when it came to my botched suicide, she took the same approach. I’d be fine, because she said I would. There wasn’t any room for argument.
And as soon as she said it, I knew it was true. Seeing Kelsey’s tears and Leah’s fierce look of infallible determination, I knew I had two very important reasons to live. I might have not had anyone else, but I had them.
We were the kids who’d been tossed aside and forgotten about by parents who probably hadn’t wanted us in the first place. They ran their businesses, made their millions and traveled the world, paying other people to raise us. Left alone, we were liable to fall apart, just like I had, but if we stuck together, we might have a fighting chance.
That was what Leah had said to me when we were alone the day after I’d gotten home from the hospital. She’d told me it was us against the world, and if we didn’t lean on each other, we’d
fall. She said she’d never let me fall, and I promised her the same thing, not realizing how deep that promise would ring true when it was all said and done.
But I’d kept my word for ten years, and so had she, regardless of how backwards and twisted things got. We were always there for each other. And whether or not Kelsey knew about the conversation Leah and I had, she was right there with us. Until I joined Westside, they were the only people in the world that I trusted implicitly.
In all honesty, it felt weird being in that car without Leah, but she hadn't followed her sister to New York five years earlier. She’d stayed in Ft. Lauderdale, where we’d grown up, to finish her degree and raise her son, Gavin.
I’d gone to L.A. around the same time, after I’d gotten picked for Westside. It had been the oddest feeling being separated by an entire country from the two people I’d seen practically every day of my life from the time I was ten and they’d moved in next door to me.
I knew Kelsey and Leah hated being apart as much as I did, but I reminded myself that although the separation sucked, it had been necessary. I’d wanted out, to get away from my dad and Gigi, and away from a place where I didn’t feel like I had a future. Kelsey had wanted the same thing, and Leah had wanted stability for Gavin. It didn’t make sense for us all to stay put, but that didn’t mean I missed them any less.
I’d felt a little more settled when I’d bought a place in New York the year before, since it meant I got to see Kelsey more often – at least during the times when our schedules synced up and we were both in the city. It was rare, since she traveled constantly, and I lived a bi-coastal life when I wasn’t traveling, but just knowing that her apartment was a few blocks from my loft was a comfort in and of itself.
And when I was feeling really alone, I could always pick up the phone and call Leah. It felt like I’d been running to her with my woes for years, and she was still who I called when I felt my life weighing down on my shoulders. She was my sounding board, she could usually talk me down from the ledge, and she knew when to kick my ass. Where Kelsey was who I went to when I wanted to forget, Leah was who I went to when I needed to get my head on straight.
Westside Series Box Set Page 80
