I sighed, knowing she was right. I was just trying to find a shred of self-preservation in a fucked up situation.
“She’s worried about you,” Kelsey continued.
“I know she is, but I’m fine. I haven’t had any cravings since that night. I’m good.”
I wished Leah was worried about me for a different reason, but I knew in her eyes I’d always be a guy who was teetering on the brink of sanity, who could at any moment fall off the edge. That was the real reason why she didn’t want to be with me, and I really couldn’t blame her.
“Are you good?” Kelsey asked me.
“As a whole? No. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be ‘good’ in most people’s terms. I’m too fucked up for that, but I’m managing. I’m doing my thing and trying to get through each day without slamming my head against a wall in the hopes that maybe it’ll crush my skull.”
“Is it really that bad?” she asked, and the concern I heard lacing her words made me stop all the theatrics.
I should have known better than to pull that shit with Kelsey. She cared about me too much to not remember the past and read into what I was saying.
“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Phillip, you can say whatever you want to me. If you’re feeling that way, don’t keep it inside. Please.”
“I’m not feeling that way Kels. I’m not suicidal. I’m alright. The tour’s going well. I’m having fun with the guys, and the fans are really into our shows each night. I’m focusing on that.”
“And you’re getting along with Sabrina?”
“Yeah, you could say that,” I said hesitantly.
“What does that mean? I thought you said she wasn’t that bad, that it wouldn’t suck to have her as your pseudo sponsor.”
I sighed. “That was before I slept with her.”
“You slept with her?! Phillip!”
I had to pull the phone away from my ear to keep the shrillness of her voice from piercing my eardrum. Across the room, Van looked up at me in question. I shook my head at him and rolled my eyes at the phone. He just chuckled and went back to the book he was reading.
“Hey, it happened,” I said, defending myself to Kelsey.
“Jesus,” she muttered. “I don’t know what to do with you.”
“Love me for me. It’s not likely that I’ll change.”
She laughed lightly. “Now I know that’s not true.”
“Apparently you’re the only one who believes that,” I said bitterly. “What do I do, Kels?”
“About Leah?”
“Yeah,” I said, my voice sounding rough. “She’s not ever going to love me like that, is she?”
“No,” Kelsey said softly. “And I’m not sure I want her to, if I can be honest.”
“Because I’m a fuck-up,” I said, saying what I figured we were both thinking.
“No,” Kelsey said firmly. “That’s not it at all. You’re a great guy, Phillip, but these lives you and I lead, they’re not for someone like Leah. She’s happy living in her suburban neighborhood with Gavin’s school close by. She likes the stability and continuity of her routine. She likes her Monday through Friday job. You and I like change and adventure. We’re nomads. That’s not Leah.”
She was right. And even though she didn’t think I was a fuck-up, it still sucked to hear that she thought I wasn't right for Leah in a way I hadn’t even considered. For a few brief seconds, I contemplated whether I could be the kind of guy who could settle down. Maybe I could if it was for a girl like Leah.
No, I couldn’t. I was never going to move back to Florida. I liked living between L.A. and New York, and I liked traveling. And as much as I loved Gavin, a five year-old didn’t exactly fit into my life, considering I didn’t plan on giving up my career anytime soon. Even if Westside only lasted another year, I’d stay in the music industry and either try my hand at a solo career, do something with just Van, or I’d get into producing. I couldn’t see myself fading into the bleakness of a Monday through Friday schedule with Little League on the weekends. It wasn’t me.
“I don’t know if she told you, but Leah’s seeing someone new,” Kelsey continued.
“She is?”
Leah definitely hadn’t mentioned that.
“His name is Dan, and he’s a teacher. He seems really nice, and even though they’ve only gone out a few times, Leah seems happy.”
That felt like a little stab to my heart, but at the end of the day, all I wanted for Leah was to be happy. She’d been through too much, fought for the life she had, and she deserved it. And she deserved to be with a guy who was worthy of her. I wasn’t. This Dan guy probably was.
“I probably would have screwed it up anyway,” I told Kelsey.
“Maybe, but maybe not. I honestly think that once you find the right girl, you’ll treat her well. You’re not a bad person, Phillip. You’ve just gone through things that scarred you deeply, so normal relationships and love aren’t going to come easy for you. You don’t trust people, and you don’t like to let them in. If you’re going to be with someone for real, you can’t keep them on the periphery of your life.”
Maybe that was why Leah felt so right for me. She was already imbedded in my life. She knew all my secrets. I trusted her. With her I wouldn’t have to take the risk of letting someone in only to get burned by them. She’d never do that to me.
But maybe that was just the easy way out.
“When did you get so wise?” I teased Kelsey instead of admitting that she was right. I didn’t do that often.
Kelsey laughed. “I’ve always been wise. You’ve just never listened to my advice before.”
“That’s probably true.”
“So tell me about Sabrina,” she said, changing the subject.
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Oh, come on. There’s got to be something to tell. You slept with her.”
“It was a one-time thing,” I assured her. “And it was in the heat of the moment. There wasn’t anything behind it.”
“Are you attracted to her?”
“Yeah, of course. She’s hot as hell.”
Dark hair, light brown eyes, deep tan, and a killer body that included the sexiest pair of legs I’d ever seen – of course I found her attractive. Her pink lip were like homing beacons, drawing me in, making me want to kiss her. She was more than attractive, but I wasn’t sure what that had to do with anything.
“So . . .” Kelsey prompted.
“So, nothing. She’s my sponsor, my friend, I guess. She’s . . . that’s all she is.”
“Okay,” Kelsey said, and I could hear the smile in her voice.
“Don’t go there,” I warned her.
“I’m just saying, you have both been through a lot of the same things. You might have more in common with her than you think.”
“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I need to do something stupid. I don’t want a girlfriend anyway. All the guys have girlfriends, and I’ve seen how idiotic it’s made them.”
“Hey!” Van protested, having walked into the room just in time to hear my comment.
I shook my head at him. “Not you. The other guys. You’re perfectly normal when you panic if you’ve been away from Elisa for an hour. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Van smirked as he called me a dick and settled onto the couch with his book.
I shrugged. “That’s the truth, man.”
“Just wait until you fall in love. You’ll see.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening.”
“I think it will,” Kelsey interjected.
“Yeah, well, I’m not holding out hope. And I’m not even thinking about that right now. I’m just worried about getting through this tour sober, and putting out our next album. I’ve got too much going on to worry about falling in love.”
“Okay, well, I’ll give you that. You do have a lot going on. Maybe after the tour’s over.”
“Maybe after the tour’s over, you and I can bum
around Europe for a month,” I suggested, changing the subject to something I was much more comfortable with. “Considering all my other friends have significant others that they’d refuse to leave behind.”
Even though Kelsey had a boyfriend, she traveled without him all the time. It gave me hope that she wasn’t that serious about him, since I thought she could do so much better.
“I think that sounds awesome,” she said, not missing a beat. “I’m in.”
“Good deal. We’ll do that then.”
“Sweet. Alright, I’ve got to get to the gym,” she said reluctantly. “I’ve procrastinated enough. Take care of yourself. Kisses.”
“Bye Kels,” I said as I hung up the phone.
“I want to go to Europe,” Van said as soon as I set my phone down.
“So go.”
“No, you dipshit. I want to go with you and Kelsey. I could bring Elisa, and the four of us could hang out.”
“Yes, so we can see you two making out at every historical stop along the way. No thanks.”
“Hey, we’re not that bad.”
“You’re bad enough.”
Van just shrugged, probably figuring there was no use in arguing with me. We both knew I was right.
“What?!” we both heard from Dillon’s room and simultaneously turned our heads toward his door. “No, you can’t do that. No, Meredith. Please.”
“Are they fighting again?” I asked Van, who was closer to the closed door than I was.
He nodded. “They’ve been going at it on the phone for the past thirty minutes.”
“Weird.”
Knowing that Dillon and Meredith were fighting was like learning that your parents were considering separating – or at least that’s what I assumed it would have felt like. Having not grown up in a normal household, I had to use what I’d seen on TV as my basis for what a real family should look like. And as far as I could tell, Meredith and Dillon were as close to the real deal as it got.
“No!” we heard Dillon say, and then there was a crash. “Fuck!”
“He’s paying for that,” Van said pointedly.
“That sounds bad, man. What’s he been saying?” I asked him.
Van shrugged. “I haven’t heard much. He’s been keeping his voice down, but I heard him asking her to visit. I think she said she couldn’t. I’m not sure.”
“Yeah, well, she has a job. It’s not like she can just take off at a moment’s notice,” I reminded him, although we both knew she’d done it in the past.
It had been apparent to all of us that Meredith had been more absent from this tour than any of our others. Maybe it was because she had a full time job, or maybe it was something else.
A few minutes later, after hearing no more sounds from Dillon’s room, we heard the door open, and he came out looking stunned. He squinted in the bright sunlight coming in through the windows, and then he looked at Van before turning to me, blinking a few times as he seemed to try to focus.
“You okay, man?” Van asked him.
Dillon turned back to him and gave him a blank look. Then he shook his head. I watched him swallow hard before he said, “She broke up with me.”
Chapter Eleven
Phillip
“I want to go out,” Dillon announced after we’d gotten settled into our hotel suite in Toronto.
Cam, Van, and I looked up at him in surprise, considering he’d barely said anything over the past week since Meredith had broken up with him for a guy she’d met at the gym. I didn’t know the specifics, because Dillon hadn’t wanted to talk about it, but according to Cam, Meredith had tried to end things with Dillon before the tour had started. He’d apparently refused, begging her to not leave him, they got into a huge fight, and then they decided to try to make things work.
That had led to the arguing we’d all witnessed during the first month of the tour, and it sounded like the inevitable had finally happened. She’d left him, and the fact that she’d left him for another guy had really pissed Dillon off.
Meredith hadn’t technically cheated on him, but in Dillon’s eyes, she had. Regardless of whether she’d slept with the guy or not, she had been spending time with him regularly over the past few weeks. Dillon was more than hurt, and outside of when he had to turn on the charm for the fans, he’d been pretty much existing in a zombielike state.
To make matters worse, his break-up with Meredith had been all over the Internet, with pictures of Meredith and her new guy splashed across the pages of every celebrity news outlet. Our fans were heartbroken that their favorite couple was done, and they had no shame in telling Dillon that they wished he and Meredith would get back together. I knew it only made him feel worse, considering the break-up hadn’t been his idea.
“You want to go out?” Cam questioned.
“Yeah,” Dillon said gruffly. “I want to go out. I want to get fucked up, and I want to sleep with the first girl I see.”
“No, you don’t,” Cam told him, probably figuring their lifelong friendship would carry some weight. We all knew what Dillon was saying was a bad idea, and if anyone could persuade him that it was a mistake, it was Cam.
“Yeah, I do,” Dillon said vehemently. “I’m sick of sitting around here being all depressed and shit. Mere’s off fucking that Alex guy, and I’m still wishing she was with me. It’s fucked up, and I’m done.”
We all knew he was far from done. Meredith was the love of his life. They’d been together since high school. I wasn’t even sure he’d ever been with anyone else, and I knew he’d never planned to be. Dillon was loyal to the core, and I had a feeling he was more hurt over the fact that she’d essentially betrayed him at the same time she’d betrayed their future. He wasn’t going to be ‘over it’ for a long time.
“I don’t know if that’s the best idea, man,” Van told him, jumping into the fray. “Maybe wait a while.”
We all knew people were waiting to see what Dillon’s next move would be. They were just that nosey where we were concerned, and if he did what he said he was going to do, it would no doubt be all over the Internet the next day.
Of course, maybe that was what he wanted. Maybe he figured Meredith would see him moving on, get jealous and want him back. I was doubtful that would be the case, and I had a feeling that although she probably still loved Dillon, at some point she’d fallen out of love with him. There wasn’t a strong possibility that she’d change her mind anytime soon.
“No, I think I’ll go out tonight. Who’s with me?” Dillon asked, looking around at the three of us.
“We have plans with the girls,” Cam said, speaking for Van. I knew they had a double-date planned with Andi and Elisa.
“How fun for you,” Dillon said bitterly.
“We can cancel,” Van offered.
“Don’t bother,” Dillon told him, and then he turned to me. “What about you?”
“I wasn’t planning on going out tonight,” I told him, not really seeing the point anymore.
I couldn’t drink, I couldn’t party, and after everything that happened with Leah, I figured I’d lay low for a while where girls were concerned. The whole situation had sort of rocked me, and I figured I need to get my head on straight before I jumped into bed with another random girl.
“Great, so I’m on my own,” Dillon announced. “Sounds like a blast.”
Dammit. The last thing I wanted was for him to go out alone. That had bad news written all over it.
“I’ll go with you,” I told him begrudgingly.
“You will?”
I nodded. “Sure.”
“Are you sure you want to do that after what happened when Leah was in town?” Van asked me, and I instantly regretted telling him and the guys that I’d almost lost my shit that night.
I hadn’t planned on telling them, but a few days earlier Van had asked me why I hadn’t talked to Leah in a while. I’d tried to give a passive answer and move on, but he wouldn’t let me. The little shit was too observant for his own good, and as soon
as he said something, Cam and Dillon were equally interested. So I’d told them everything, including what had happened with Sabrina.
“I’m okay,” I told him. “That’s not going to happen again.”
“You don’t know that.”
I gave him a pointed look, hating when he acted like my parent. “Van, I promise I’m good.” Then I shifted my gaze to Cam and Dillon who were watching me in speculation. “I’m good,” I assured them.
Cam nodded, but I wasn’t sure he believed me. Of course he’d dealt with his brother’s up and down drug habit for years, so he’d always been more wary of my commitment to stay sober – especially since my track record at keeping that commitment wasn’t so stellar. I figured proving it to him this time around was really my only option.
Dillon didn’t seem to have the same reservations Cam did, but he also wasn’t really himself these days. I knew it didn’t have anything to do with me.
“Fantastic,” he said sharply, the anger he felt over the situation he was in seeping out of every part of him. “Be ready in two hours. I’m going to take a nap.”
“With bells on,” I grumbled under my breath, not looking forward to babysitting my friend when he was sure to have too much to drink and get out of control.
* * *
What are you up to tonight? I texted to Sabrina.
It was the first time I’d reached out to her in a week and a half. Although I’d seen her almost daily, we hadn’t really talked since the night we’d spent together and our subsequent ride to Vancouver on her tour bus. That had been an awkward few hours where I opted to sleep instead of having to talk to her. Too many memories of the night before had been flashing back to me, and only a few of them were good – namely the sex. It had been phenomenal, but everything else was a montage of cringe-worthy moments where she saw me fall apart and lose my shit – a sight most people were never graced with. I hated being vulnerable, and that night had been a prime showing of just how vulnerable I was underneath it all.
But I figured enough time had passed that I could extend an olive branch. She’d been really cool the night I’d gone to her, and it really seemed like she genuinely cared. I was sort of coming around to the idea of us being friends and figured I could make an effort to show her that. I hated to admit it, but I was slowly realizing that it didn’t suck having someone in your corner who knew what you were going through.
Westside Series Box Set Page 92
