What I loved was seeing Phillip’s face light up when he talked about the boy. I almost wanted to take a picture of his expression, because it was the only time I ever truly saw him look happy. When he talked about Gavin, it was like everything else that was bothering him melted away. I wished he could be like that all the time.
“It was weird talking to her,” Phillip said. “I feel like I screwed things up when she was here. I could tell she was trying to be herself on the phone, but it felt different than it used to.”
“Are you in love with her?” I asked, figuring I’d cut to the chase.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I thought I was, but I’m not. I love her, and I love the idea of being with someone like her who’s got their shit together and is successful and grounded, but I’ve thought about it a lot, and she and I would be a bad combination.”
“Why?”
He looked over at me. “Because I’m not good enough for her. I’m not the kind of guy who falls in love and gives himself over to someone else, and that’s what Leah deserves. I’m too selfish for that.”
“Phillip, I don’t believe that for a second.”
“Yeah, well, believe what you want, but at the end of the day, I’m the kind of guy who fucks a girl a few times and then bolts. I’m not in it for the long haul, and I never have been.”
“Then you just haven’t met the right girl,” I told him, but he didn’t look convinced.
I had a feeling that was because of the kinds of girls he slept with. He wasn’t dating the right people. I’d seen how deeply he loved the people he cared about, and I knew he’d be the same way with the right girl. He just couldn’t see it, and he probably wouldn’t until it smacked him in the face. I just hoped I was around to see it when it finally happened. Phillip Lawton falling in love was sure to be a sight to behold.
“That’s what Kelsey told me,” he said, laughing to himself. “And I don’t agree with her. Even if I met the ‘right’ girl, I’m not sure I’d even know how to be a boyfriend. Or even that I’d want to. It’s not me.”
“Phillip, I’m not sure if it’s something you know how to do or not. When you meet someone, and they’re a person you like spending time with, you keep spending time with them until one day you realize they’re the only person you want to be with. So that’s what you do. It happens naturally.”
“I guess.”
“It’s true. Look at Cam. He was happy to be single, and then he met Andi, and it was game over. Van was the same way, and look how happy he was to give up his bachelorhood for Elisa.”
“Fuckers,” he muttered. “I lost my wingmen when those assholes got girlfriends.”
I laughed. “Okay, fair enough. But aren’t they happy?”
“Yeah, I guess. But Dillon’s not. He was all in love with Meredith, and she dumped him. Now he’s miserable. Why risk it?”
“Because if you’re lucky, you end up being really happy for a long time with the person you love. Weren’t your parents like that – I mean before you’re mom passed away?”
He shook his head. “I don’t think so. If they were, I never saw it. Mostly my mom was just sad. I know my dad loved her. He actually adored her, and I know they were happy when they were first married, but my dad let work take over. He got obsessed with making money, and in his line of work, that meant traveling almost a hundred percent of the time. I think my mom would have been happy to be poor if it meant he was home, but he didn’t want that. He wanted to give her a perfect life, which to him meant that she wanted for nothing. And sure, we had more money than we knew what to do with, but I think my mom wanted more out of their marriage. My dad just couldn’t figure out how to give it to her, and he definitely didn’t know how to be a father to me. It wasn’t how he was wired. I’m afraid I’m the same way – too selfish with my own life that I can’t ever fully let anyone else in.”
“Phillip, I really don’t believe that,” I told him earnestly, willing him to believe me. “I’ve seen you with Gavin. You give to him so selflessly when he’s around.”
“Throwing presents at a kid doesn’t mean I’d make a good father,” he said pointedly. “A guitar here, a pool there, a cool swing set on a whim. I do that stuff to make him smile.”
“Well, it works, but that’s not even what I’m talking about. You’re selfless with your time and your attention when it comes to him, and I see how much he adores you because of it. And it’s not even about whether or not you’d be a good father. No one’s asking you to do that, and you might realize down the road that you don’t even want kids, but don’t sell yourself short in finding love because you’re afraid you’ll be like your dad. I already know you’re not.”
“You don’t even know my dad. You’ve never met him.”
“It doesn’t matter. If you were like him, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”
Phillip sighed. “Yeah, okay. That makes sense.”
“Phillip, you’re not perfect. I’ll give you that, but you’re not a bad guy. You just have to trust yourself and believe that you’re going to live your life differently than your parents.”
“My dad,” he said quickly, correcting me. “I don’t want to lump my parents into the same category. My mom was a saint.”
He spoke so reverently about her. It was obvious he’d loved her very much.
“What happened to her?”
He sighed. “She was murdered. It was a carjacking gone bad. The guy shot her at pointblank range, and she was dead within seconds.”
“Are you serious?”
He’d said it with so little emotion, like he was reciting something from a textbook. But with the way he was gripping the steering wheel, and for as tight as his jaw was, I had a feeling it was his way of holding back his emotions. He didn’t want to get upset, so he held it all in.
He nodded and gripped the wheel tighter. “I saw it all happen. She was picking me up from a piano lesson. It happened across the street from the studio.”
“Oh Phillip.”
“It’s tragic. I know,” he said, his voice sounding thick. “She was an amazing woman, and the guy didn’t give a shit about that. He wanted her car and her money. He didn’t care who she was, that she was a mother, or that she was a good person. None of it mattered.”
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
“Me too. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, but what made it worse is that my dad blamed me. He’s always blamed me, because I begged to take vocal and piano lessons, and I had to take them from a particular teacher, and my mom let me. If she hadn’t been in that neighborhood at that time, she’d still be alive.”
“Phillip, that can’t be true.”
He shrugged. “It’s true. My dad’s never come out and said it, but everything changed that day. I just didn’t realize it until much later.”
“Is that why you fell out of that tree on purpose?” I asked him, remembering the first time he’d told me about his dad. “Were you testing him?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I was. I wanted to see if he’d be concerned, if he’d rush into the hospital like I’d seen parents do on TV, concerned beyond belief that their kid was hurt. When he didn’t do that, I knew.”
My heart literally ached for him. He’d been ten when his mother was killed, and his dad really was a selfish asshole. I had a feeling that if I ever met him, I’d have some especially choice words for him.
“So you really didn’t have anyone when you were growing up.”
“I had Leah and Kelsey. Their parents owned a few casinos and hotels around the world, so they were always off traveling too. Although they were more involved in their daughters’ lives than my dad was in mine, and they seemed to actually care, they were gone a lot. Leah, Kelsey, and I had each other most of the time. Of course I might have just screwed up a lifelong friendship, so maybe I won’t have Leah anymore,” he said glumly.
“I’m sure you didn’t screw anything up. Leah still loves you. S
he told you that.”
“Yeah, but things are all weird between us.”
“They’ll get better.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” he said, but it didn’t seem like he believed me.
“I am,” I assured him. “What happened when she was here anyway? You never told me.”
“I kissed her, and she didn’t react. It wasn’t good. I knew relatively quickly what was going on, and I just couldn’t handle the rejection. It felt like she’d jammed a knife into my heart. I’d finally psyched myself up to take a chance and put myself out there, and it completely backfired. It was the worst feeling in the world. I just didn’t know what to do, and my first thought was to go back to what I knew would make the pain go away.”
“It only would have been a temporary fix,” I reminded him.
“I know. I’m glad you talked me out of it.” He looked over at me. “You really helped me that night. Thank you for that.”
“It was nothing. Trust me.”
“No, Sabrina, I’m serious. It was a really big deal to me. Thank you.”
“Well, then you’re welcome,” I told him, shocked at how humble he was being.
“I honestly didn’t deserve you being so nice to me,” he continued, not missing a beat. “And then I had to go and hit on you. I’m sorry. You should have slapped me to get me to stop.”
I took a deep breath as I remembered how that night had unfolded and just how willing I’d been to let him kiss me, to pull me under, to let me get lost in him. The last thing I’d wanted him to do was stop.
“I, uh, actually didn’t want you to stop,” I told him, hoping I wasn’t saying something I was going to regret. “I wasn’t lying when I said I was into it.”
“How? I just showed up at your suite, went all crazy on you, didn’t tell you why, and then I tried to hook up with you.”
Well, when he said it that way, it sounded sort of bad. I was inclined to remember things a little differently, though.
“Because even though I thought you were a dick, I was insanely attracted to you from pretty much the second I laid eyes on you.”
I felt weird admitting that to him. It made me feel like I was flirting, and I definitely wasn’t.
“Really?” Phillip questioned, seeming amused to hear that I thought he was cute. “When was that?
Or maybe I was flirting a little bit.
“It was back when I sung at that benefit you guys did last summer.”
“You were there?”
I laughed. “Of course I was there. You introduced me when it was my turn to go on-stage.”
“I have absolutely no recollection of that.”
“Geez, way to make a girl feel special. Although I guess I do look different now than I did back then. For some reason my stylist insisted on highlighting my hair, giving me extensions, and amping up my make-up. I thought I looked like a Barbie Doll, and it was way too reminiscent of my former pop life. I’m pretty sure I told her never again right before I dyed my hair dark the next day. I’ve kept it that way ever since.”
“I actually really like your hair dark. It makes your eyes stand out.”
“Wow, did Phillip Lawton just give me a compliment?” I asked in amazement.
Phillip smiled. “I did, and for the record, I happen to think you’re gorgeous. If I met you today, I wouldn’t make the same mistake.”
“Really? That’s good to know,” I said teasingly, figuring he was just being playful.
“No, Sabrina. I’m serious. I really wouldn’t. You’re pretty unforgettable.”
And maybe he was flirting a little bit too.
“Okay, well, in that case, I guess I forgive you.”
He shot me a coy smile. “Thanks.”
Yeah, he was definitely flirting.
I smiled to myself as I leaned my head back against the seat. “So, did you have a particular destination in mind, or were you just thinking of driving all night?”
“I just wanted to drive. Was there anywhere you wanted to go?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m good right where I’m at.”
That made him smile. “Good. Me too.”
* * *
“Thanks for inviting me out tonight,” I told Phillip when he walked me to the door of my suite. “I had fun.”
“Did you?” he questioned, making me smile.
“I actually had a lot of fun. I really enjoyed your company.”
“And here I was thinking I was being a downer again,” he said sarcastically.
“You’re fine. We’ve all got shit we’re dealing with. It’s there, and we cope when it flares up. Nothing else we can do.”
He looked at me quizzically for a few seconds before he said, “How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Just make everything seem okay?”
I laughed. “Years of therapy. Trust me when I tell you that I’m not all that okay all the time. I have bad days too.”
Phillip smirked. “I think I’ve yet to see one.”
“I’m sure you will soon enough,” I said, shifting my gaze down.
When I looked up, his blue eyes were closer than I’d expected, gazing down at me intensely.
“I doubt it,” he said, his voice soft whisper.
When we’d walked up to my door, there had been at least a foot and a half of space between us, but as we’d been talking, it was like we were two magnets being slowly drawn together. Only inches separated us now, and when I shifted my gaze, Phillip’s lips were right in my line of sight. The urge to kiss him was greater than I’d expected it to be, and it was suddenly all I could think about.
“What’s going on here?” I asked him before I did something I’d regret.
He looked down, and I watched him realize the same thing as I had. “I’m not sure.”
I bit my lip and watched his gaze shift. Longing was in his eyes, and I had the very strong suspicion that we were thinking along the same lines. I knew it was wrong. I knew I should just say goodnight and go into my suite alone. But something was preventing me from doing that.
“What would you say if I told you I didn’t want to be alone tonight?” I asked him, hoping I wasn’t making a mistake as I gave in to what I knew I wanted.
I’d been suppressing what I’d been feeling for him since the night we’d spent together. I hadn’t let myself think about it. I’d pushed away the flashes of memory when they came back to me, and I’d denied what I knew in that moment to be true – one time with him wasn’t enough.
“I would say I could do something about that,” Phillip said in a husky voice.
As soon as he said that, memories of what it was like to be with him came at me all at once, and I gave in and let them assault me, one by one. I wanted that again. It was wrong. I knew that. I’d toiled over how wrong it was, because I knew I shouldn’t have crossed that line with him. I’d told myself that I’d gotten caught up in a moment, and thankfully it hadn’t caused any real damage between us, but I also told myself it couldn’t happen again. Phillip was finally starting to get comfortable with me, and he was beginning to open up. I didn’t want to lose that with him.
But as I looked up into his intense blue eyes, when I took a breath and inhaled his familiar, clean scent, and when I felt the heat from his body radiating out at the same time it drew me in, I was left powerless. I wanted this. I wanted him – even if it was just physical.
Something about him made me comfortable, and I hadn’t felt that in a long time. Not since Jason died had I wanted to be with anyone like I wanted to be with Phillip. The walls I’d erected, and the stipulations I’d put on my life that had kept me from sleeping with anyone after I lost Jason had crumbled the second Phillip had put sex on the table.
I wasn’t sure what it even was about him that put me at ease, but he did it so easily. He was this broken, shattered guy, and maybe I liked that. Maybe I didn’t feel so alone when he was around, because he knew what I dealt with on a daily basis. Even if we h
adn’t talked about them in detail, I knew there were things in both of our pasts that still haunted us, and there were demons we each battled that we’d probably fight for the rest of our lives. Not many people understood what that was like, but Phillip did.
“Would you want to come in?” I asked him as he brought his lips dangerously close to mine.
He didn’t have to say anything. I already knew his answer.
“I’d like that,” he said, his warm breath washing over my lips.
“Good,” I said, sliding my hand to his waist as he bent down to kiss me, pushing me back against the door to my suite as I gave in to what I wanted.
I felt my body go slack as I let him take over, to soothe the ache deep within me, and to take away some of the pain I’d held onto for so long. The intoxicating nature of his kisses, the commanding presence he had over every move he made, and how he made me feel wanted in a way that no one had before, I soaked it all in. It was a balm to my battered soul.
“Are you sure you want this?” he asked me as he trailed his lips from my mouth to my jawline.
I tilted my head as his lips swept over the sensitive skin of my neck, making me suck in a breath. My hands on his hips drew him closer until his erection pressed into my stomach, and I sighed longingly. I wanted this too much. It was too dangerous. I was going to get hurt, but I didn’t care. I just wanted him in that moment, and every single consequence was dismissed and overshadowed by the deeper need I felt to just forget.
Phillip did that. He made me forget, and he took away the hurt. The physical part was good, and I knew it was going to get even better, but it was the emotional comfort that I craved. That was how I knew I was heading down a dangerous path. If it was just sex, I could handle that, but I knew it was more than that. I also knew he didn’t feel the same way. For him, this was all physical. And if I was going to let things continue, I had to be okay with that.
As he brought his lips back to mine, I told myself to stop him, but instead I let go. I needed this night, and I needed him. I couldn’t think about how much I might regret it in the morning. The need to be with him was too strong.
Westside Series Box Set Page 95
