“Sabrina, are you sure you want me to leave?” he asked as I heard him getting dressed.
I closed my eyes against the knowledge that he was already on his way out the door.
“I’m fine,” I said as lightly as possible. “I’m just really tired.”
“You’re lying,” he said softly.
I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t. Nothing I could say would sound remotely truthful. He already knew me too well that he’d see right through my lies.
I felt him move behind me and stiffened as his arms wrapped around me. “You don’t have to be alone,” he whispered, his lips brushing my ear.
I wanted to sink back, to lose myself in his warmth, to let him help me forget, but I knew I couldn’t. Not tonight. I was feeling too many things all at once, and I was at risk of letting them all spill out.
“I’m fine,” I repeated.
“You’re not.”
He’d never seen me break down before. I’d told him he would, that I had bad days too, but it was the first time he was seeing it happen.
“Please just go,” I said, my voice cracking on the last word.
“Why don’t you want me to stay?”
Because I love you.
I closed my eyes against the feelings I knew were true. I loved him, and I wanted him to stay, with me, forever. Which was exactly why he couldn’t even stay the night. It was too dangerous. Not tonight.
Maybe tomorrow I’d be able to rein my emotions in, and I could push to the side that I felt more for him than I’d ever felt for anyone in my life. But tonight I was feeling broken and shattered, and everything I felt for him was so close to the surface.
I wouldn’t let it bubble over. I wouldn’t let him know. We were friends, and we had sex, and that was it. He couldn’t love me, so he could never know that I loved him. It was the only way I knew I could safeguard my heart.
“Phillip, just go,” I said, pulling out of his arms. “Just leave me alone.”
“Okay,” he said, sounding defeated.
And then he left, leaving me standing alone in my bedroom, doing exactly what I’d asked him to do. When he was gone, I crawled into bed and cried until I fell asleep, the pain closing in around me and practically suffocating me until I refused to feel it any longer.
I sealed my heart around it, the good and the bad, and I told myself when I woke up in the morning, it would all be over. I wouldn’t love Phillip, and I wouldn’t miss my family so much it made my insides feel like they were on fire. I wouldn’t feel any of it.
Chapter Fourteen
Phillip
“What’s up with you and Sabrina?” Van asked me as I was unpacking my stuff in our hotel suite in Miami.
He’d come in and flopped on my bed as I was putting away my toiletries. My bandmates lived like pigs most of the time, but I always liked to have my things neat and organized. I didn’t enjoy messes, especially in the bathroom, even if we were just staying for a night. We’d be in Miami for three days and two shows, though, so the need to unpack and arrange my stuff was more pressing than ever.
“What do you mean?” I asked him.
“Well, you were spending pretty much every night with her for a few weeks, and then this past week you’ve been with us.”
“So,” I told him, not sure when he’d started tracking my every move.
He knew I’d been sleeping with Sabrina when it had been happening, but ever since the night she’d realized the secret my tattoos covered and had told me about her brother, something had changed between us and she’d been avoiding me. I wasn’t sure what exactly had happened, but I’d been afraid to ask. I hadn’t wanted to push her, so I’d just left her alone, giving her the time I assumed she needed.
“So, you were spending every spare minute with her, and then it just stopped. What gives?”
I leaned back to look at him through the doorway of the bathroom. “It was just sex.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“Uh, yeah, it was. It was physical and nothing else.”
Why did he even care?
Van narrowed his eyes at me. “Then why did I always see you guys giggling and whispering together backstage? How come you always wanted to ride on her bus? And how come you ditched me, your best friend, for her.”
I sighed. “The sex was just that good,” I told him, hoping it would shut him up.
I didn’t want to talk about what those two weeks with Sabrina had really been, because I wasn’t in the mood to admit it to myself. The truth was, I got caught up in something that was completely foreign to me, and I didn’t understand it. I’d wanted to hang out with her, to be around her, and to tell her things. It was weird, and when I looked back, I realized it wasn’t something I was even comfortable with. I wasn’t that guy. I figured it was better that she cut things off with me. I probably would have found myself in a place I didn’t want to be if I let things go on longer than they should have.
“I think you like her,” Van said, shooting me a shit-eating grin as he leaned back against my pillows.
“I think you need to let it go,” I told him.
“You do like her,” he said, sitting up to appraise me as I walked over to my suitcase to fish out a change of clothes.
Kelsey was picking me up in a few minutes, and I was going to go with her to Leah’s house. I was focusing on seeing Gavin and not that it was the first time I was going to see Leah since I’d kissed her. I didn’t want to think about the awkwardness of that, and for the first time in a few weeks, the desire to use hit me. I knew it was my nerves that needed calming, and it was what I’d always gone to in the past to stay sane, but I also knew I wasn’t going to do it.
After weekly phone sessions with my therapist for the past four months, I’d learned a few techniques to employ when cravings hit. I knew they weren’t full-proof, but for minor cravings, I could use the mind-over-matter tricks he’d taught me. Had we still been talking, I could have also called Sabrina, but I wasn’t really sure that was an option anymore. But it didn’t matter. I could get through seeing Leah again without drugs and without Sabrina. I was fine.
“Sabrina and I aren’t really even friends anymore,” I told Van.
“Why? Because you had a fight and she unfriended you? That’s bullshit. Even if you’re not talking, I’ve seen you surreptitiously looking at her all week. And when she thinks you’re not looking, she’s watching you. You like her, and she likes you. It’s obvious.”
“What are you, a sixteen year-old girl? I don’t like her – at least not like that. We were having sex, and sometimes we talked about stuff. Now we’re not. She’s a cool girl. That’s it.”
“You miss her,” he teased.
“Fuck off,” I told him as I shoved my suitcase into the closet to get it out of sight.
“I think you should talk to her,” he suggested as I slumped into an armchair near the window.
I looked out at South Beach and tried not to think about how far away we were from where my mother died, although I knew it was only about fifteen blocks. It was too close for comfort.
“Why are you acting like a douchebag?” I asked Van as I shifted my gaze back to him. “Why do you even care?”
“I care, because I’m your friend. I’m being a douchebag, because you did this exact same thing to me when I was obsessed with Elisa. Payback’s a bitch.”
I sighed as I vaguely remembered a conversation we’d had while we were skateboarding inside one of the arenas during our last tour. I’d probably been a dick to him about Elisa, but that was always our thing – I was a dick, and he was a good friend. It was weird to have the tables turned on me.
“Good to know. I’d be concerned if you were actually serious.”
“Nah,” Van said around a laugh. “You’d be a terrible boyfriend anyway. You’d fuck it up with her for sure, and she’s a sweet girl. I’d hate to see her get hurt.”
I sighed as he spoke the words I’d always thought were true.
“You k
now, she is really sweet,” I agreed, instead of refuting his point. I actually agreed with him.
Van nodded.
“I really thought she was crazy when I met her after seeing bits and pieces of all that shit she did a few years back,” I told him. “But in all honestly, that’s not her. Not anymore.”
“Everybody goes a little crazy every now and then,” Van said, like he didn’t really think what Sabrina had done was all that bad.
It was though. We’d talked about it, and I knew she regretted a lot of what she’d done, but I also refused to hold it against her.
“She’s just more than that, you know,” I told him. “And she’s had a tough life.”
“Tougher than yours?”
I shrugged. “It all seems pretty relative,” I told him, thinking back to what Sabrina had told me about her family.
“So you guys might actually be perfect for each other.”
I shook my head as I stuffed my wallet and my phone in my pocket. “I’m not perfect for anyone.”
“You’re perfect for me,” he called after me as I left my room and headed into the main part of the suite. I heard him blow me a kiss.
“Get out of my room,” I yelled back at him.
“Tell Leah and Kelsey I said hi, and give Gavin that twenty bucks I owe him.”
I stopped to grab my hat that I’d tossed onto the table in the front hall. “Why do you owe him twenty bucks?”
Van came ambling out of my room. “I bet him, and I lost.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “You bet a five year-old, and you lost?”
He shrugged. “He’s almost six. And yes, I did.”
“What did you bet?”
“That I could beat him on Fast Lane. We played best two out of three, and I lost. I just didn’t have any money on me at the time, so I told him I’d hit him up when I saw him next. He sent me an email last week reminding me to pay up.”
I laughed. “I love that kid.”
“Yeah, he’s great,” Van said sarcastically.
“I’ll see you later, man,” I told him.
He nodded. “We have that party tonight. You’ll be there?”
“With bells on,” I said sarcastically.
Van just shook his head and muttered something about old times as he flopped onto the couch to watch TV. I left him alone to do his thing and took a deep breath, trying to gear myself up to see Leah. It was going to be weird as hell, and I hated that.
* * *
Gavin and I were tearing it up on our skateboards in front of Leah’s house, and I was having kind of a killer afternoon with my favorite kid. He’d been over-the-top excited about the skateboard I’d gotten him for his birthday that was in a few weeks. I was going to miss it because of our tour schedule, but I’d wanted to see him open his present, so I’d given it to him early.
I never traveled without my board, so of course I had it with me. I showed off for Gavin, doing all the tricks I knew how to do, and then I taught him an easy one, promising I’d teach him more the next time I saw him. We were practicing the basics while Leah and Kelsey sat on the front stoop watching us.
After an hour, I took a break, figuring I needed to talk to Leah outside of the initial ‘hi’ and hug I’d given her when I’d walked in. When I walked over to them, Kelsey hopped up and asked me to hand her my board. I had a feeling she knew what I was doing, and she was making herself scarce. I watched her skate out to where Gavin was trying the jump I’d shown him, and then I turned back to Leah, taking a seat on the stoop next to her.
“Are we okay?” I asked her, figuring I’d cut to the chase.
“Of course we are,” she said, giving me a smile.
“Are you sure.”
I didn’t believe her. It didn’t feel like we were okay.
Leah sighed. “Phillip, you are my oldest friend, and I love you. I promise, we’re fine.”
An awkward silence descended on us then, and I knew we were going to have to talk about what had happened, what I’d initiated. There wasn’t going to be a way for us to really move forward unless I put it out in the open. I was going to have to rip off the bandage.
“I don’t really, um, I mean, I’m not really in love with you. You know that right?” I said to her, feeling like my stomach was in my throat.
She smiled again. “I actually wasn’t sure how you felt.”
She was completely giving me a pass, just like she’d done my whole life. It was like she thought I was too fragile to hear a harsh and direct message. But I wasn’t going to settle for her letting me off the hook. If I didn’t explain myself, I was afraid what I’d done would be a cloud hanging over us for the rest of time.
“I, um, I know that kiss was awkward as hell, and I’m sorry I did it. I think I just got caught up in something that I knew could never happen. You’re sort of like my hero, this perfect person who does everything right, and I guess I felt like I needed someone like you in my life – in that way, you know?”
“Wow, Phillip, I’m flattered – especially because I’m definitely not as together as you think I am.”
“You are,” I assured her.
“Maybe in your eyes, but I can tell you, I’m far from perfect.”
“You’re more perfect than me. I’m a fucking mess.”
I figured I’d just put it out there. I knew we were both thinking it.
Leah leaned into me. “You’re actually not so bad anymore, you know that?”
I raised a skeptical eyebrow at her. “How do you figure?”
“You’re sober, and you’ve been sober for six months.”
“I’ve done that before,” I reminded her, and then I stopped myself. “Okay, that’s a lie. I was still sneaking alcohol and weed all last year when I was pretending to be sober.”
“See, you’re making progress.”
“I suppose,” I said as I stretched my legs out in front of me.
“I’m proud of you,” Leah said softly. “I think you’re doing a lot of the right things in your life. Westside’s doing so well, and Kelsey tells me you’ve been seeing a lot more of Sabrina. Is that true?”
“When did she tell you that?”
“A few weeks ago. She said when she saw you in New York, you guys seemed to be really into each other.”
I sighed. “It was nothing. We’re just friends.”
“She kind of seems like the perfect girl for you.”
I turned to look at Leah, squinting at her in the bright sun. “I’m not sure I can have this conversation with you. It’s too weird.”
She smiled. “Okay, I get that. So I guess it would be equally weird for me to bring Dan to the show tomorrow night?”
“Dan? Is that the guy you’re seeing? The teacher?”
She nodded.
“I guess not,” I told her. “I sort of want to meet him. Kelsey says he’s a good guy, but I want to see it for myself.”
Leah laughed. “He’s a really good guy. Under normal circumstances, I think you’d like him.”
I sighed. “Bring him. I just want us to get back to normal, and I’m sure seeing you with another guy will only help to do that.”
Leah appraised me for a few seconds before she said, “Phillip, would you really want to date me – for real?”
I met her blue-eyed gaze that always warmed my ice-cold heart whenever I looked at her. “Leah, I would be honored to be with someone like you, but I know I’m not the kind of guy you deserve. I’m not the kind of man Gavin needs in his life. You should be with someone like Dan who can love you like you deserve, who can give you a life here, and who can be a father to Gavin.”
“I think Gavin needs you in his life,” she said softly.
“Yeah, as his crazy pseudo-uncle who drops in and gives him lavish gifts to buy his love.”
She shook her head. “He’d love you regardless of whether you gave him presents or not. He loves you for you.”
“Maybe,” I said, not convinced.
“It’s true, Phil
lip. And the man you are today, the man I know you’ll become if you continue on the path you’ve been on this year, is going to be alright. I think you’d be an amazing father if the opportunity presented itself.”
I snorted. “Yeah, right. I’m not having kids.”
Leah frowned. “I think you’re selling yourself short if you do that.”
“We’ll see,” I told her as I shifted my gaze back to Gavin and Kelsey who were racing each other down the street. “I guess if I could have a kid like Gavin, that would be alright. I might consider fatherhood then – down the road, when I’m like 40.”
Leah laughed as she shifted her gaze to her son. “Gavin’s the best,” she agreed softly. Then she turned to look at me. “You love him?”
“I do. I don’t love many people, but he’s on my list.”
She nodded. “I’m glad. He’s going to need you, you know.”
“Oh yeah? For what?”
She smiled. “For what you said you’d teach him the day he was born. You can cross skateboarding off the list, so that leaves surfing and dressing like a prep.”
“I think it was you who said I’d teach him those things,” I reminded her.
“It was. You said you’d teach him about condoms and girls.”
I made a face, having forgotten I’d said that. “Sorry about that.”
“No,” she said quickly. “He’ll need to know about those things. I don’t want him repeating my mistakes. He definitely needs to learn about condoms.”
“I’m not talking to him about that today,” I told her.
She laughed. “I would hope not, but in seven years, it’ll probably be time.”
“He’ll only be twelve!” I said, appalled that she would want me to talk to a twelve year-old about sex.
“He’ll be almost thirteen. How old were you the first time you had sex?” she asked, already knowing the answer to that question.
“Fourteen,” I mumbled.
“Exactly.”
“Okay, fair point. I’ll talk to him – in seven years.”
“Thank you,” she said, leaning her head on my shoulder.
As soon as she did that, an overwhelming sense of rightness washed over me. I knew in that moment that we really were okay. We’d be alright.
Westside Series Box Set Page 98
