I looked out the window of the car to see people filing into the church. The service didn’t start for fifteen minutes, so I could wait a little longer before going inside. Before I did, I had to make one phone call. It was one I’d been hesitant to make for a week, but I knew it was time.
I wasn’t even sure if Sabrina would answer. Hell, if I were her, I wouldn’t answer. And after a week of radio silence on my end, I couldn’t really blame her.
I hadn’t talked to her since I’d dropped her off at the hotel the day Leah died, after I’d almost lost my shit and she’d rescued me yet again. A part of me hated that she was so good at it, that she knew exactly what to say to pull me back to earth, and that she just got me. Leaving aside the fact that she’d told me she loved me, I didn’t know what to do with her.
I’d never been with a girl who was so dialed in to who I was and didn’t seem to care that I was a selfish, insensitive, heartless asshole. No, she apparently loved me in spite of all those things. It didn’t make any sense, and a part of me hoped she’d just said it in the moment, that she didn’t really feel that way, because I knew I couldn’t love her back – at least not in the way she deserved.
What we were doing was supposed to be just sex, but she’d gotten everything all twisted. Didn’t she understand that I wasn’t a relationship guy, that commitment wasn’t a term I understood? I wasn’t good at putting anyone else first, and I sure as hell didn’t know how to be someone’s boyfriend. And I was a fucking mess, as the daily sessions I’d been having with my shrink over the phone for the past week would completely indicate. Why would she even want to be with me? I didn’t get it.
But I missed her. That was the hardest part. At the end of the string of confusion and disbelief was the point where I’d gotten used to seeing Sabrina’s face and hearing her laugh and falling into bed with her night after night. And it wasn’t even about the sex. Sure, that was great, but it was the after sex parts when she faced me on the pillow and we talked – about everything and nothing. She just – she knew things that I’d hardly told anyone, and in some cases, things I’d never told anyone.
So why her? Why was she so special? Why was she on my mind when I was dealing with something so horrific? I’d barely thought of anyone else but Leah, Gavin, and Kelsey – and Sabrina – all week long. She’d been right there along with everyone else, especially when I was trying to fall asleep at night. I’d gotten so used to falling asleep next to her that I wasn’t sure how to do it alone anymore.
But I hadn’t returned her calls. I’d ignored them when they came in, and I didn’t call her back. I hadn’t even responded to her texts when she’d asked me if I was okay. I was an asshole, and she should hate me for pushing her away like I had after everything she’d done for me, after I knew how much she cared. It was wrong, but in spite of that, I was still hoping like hell that she’d answer the phone. Because if she answered, that would mean that I hadn’t fucked everything up beyond repair.
I had no idea what that meant in the long run. I just knew that I missed her, and I wanted to hear her voice. Everything else was inconsequential, and I’d deal with it if and when I had to. But as I sat alone in the back of that car, wearing a somber black suit and watching people file into the church to say goodbye to one of my best friends, I really wanted to know that some part of my life was still good, that Sabrina was still willing to give me a chance, and that there was something salvageable between us. Hell, I just wanted there to be an us – whatever that meant.
Maybe I hadn’t been ready before, but I was now, and I needed to talk to her. I’d see her in a few days, and just the thought made me giddy. I shouldn’t have been giddy. I was about to bury one of my best friends. It made no sense, and it probably only further proved that I was insane. But knowing that I was going to get to see Sabrina might have actually been what got me through one of the toughest weeks of my life. If only I hadn’t been so scared to call her until now.
I took a deep breath as I bit the bullet and pulled out my phone. Then I called her.
“Phillip?” she questioned after four painfully long rings where I thought I was going to get her voicemail.
“Hey,” I said for lack of anything more eloquent.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m something,” I said vaguely, because I really wasn’t sure how to define what I was feeling.
“But you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I’m alright,” I told her, knowing she needed to hear it. After what we’d gone through the last time I’d seen her, it made sense, and I should have realized she would have been worried.
“Good. I’m so glad. I was really worried about you.”
“I know. I got your texts and your voicemails. I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I’m a dick.”
“It’s okay,” she said softly.
“Leah’s funeral’s today,” I said, choking the words out.
“I know. I, uh, I wanted to go, but I wasn’t sure you’d want me there.”
A warm feeling spread across my chest as she said that, and I tried not to get my hopes up. Sabrina was polite. She could have wanted to go to the funeral to pay her respects. It might not have anything to do with me.
“You should have come,” I told her. “It would have been good to see you.”
“Well, it’s a little late for that now,” she said, and I wasn’t sure if she was talking about the fact that the funeral was starting or the fact that I was too late.
“I supposed it is. Are you in L.A.?”
“Yeah, I am. I came back here with everyone else. I didn’t really think sticking around South Florida made much sense.”
“Yeah, it hasn’t exactly been a party around here.”
“I can imagine.”
Silence descended over us, and I had the very real fear that Sabrina was going to tell me she was glad I was okay, but she had to go. Saying goodbye after only talking for a minute was the last thing I wanted.
“I miss you,” I blurted out before she could say anything else.
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do. I know I’m going to see you in Nashville on Tuesday, but I don’t want to wait that long. I know that probably makes me a selfish asshole, because we haven’t talked in a week, and quite honestly, after what happened the last time we saw each other, you might have decided that you’re done with me, but I hope you’re not. I just wasn’t sure what to say, and things were so crazy. But I want to see you. I miss you. God, I’m sure I’m not even making any sense. I didn’t exactly have a plan of what I was going to say when I called you, and I haven’t ever been in this kind of a situation before.”
I was sure I sounded like a babbling idiot, so I decided to stop talking and take a breath. Then I waited for Sabrina to lower the boom.
“What kind of situation are you talking about?” she asked.
I sighed. “The one where I miss a girl. It’s never really happened before, so I’m not exactly sure what to do or what’s acceptable to say. Will you come to Ft. Lauderdale?”
I was sure that wasn’t the right thing to say, but in that moment, it was the only thing that made sense to me. I wanted to hold her in my arms and inhale her familiar scent. I wanted to lose myself in her for several hours, just to remember what it felt like. The sudden need I had to see her was unlike anything I’d ever felt before.
“Right now?” Sabrina questioned.
“Well, maybe tonight. I, um, I have to go to the funeral, and then there’s the burial, and then Kelsey’s having a reception at Leah’s house, but I’ll be back at my hotel later. It’s okay if you can’t. I know the time change is weird, and you might already have plans, but I figured I’d ask. And I’m sorry for not calling you back or answering your texts this week. I really am.”
Sabrina didn’t say anything for several seconds, so all I could imagine was her saying no. It almost felt inevitable, so by the time she answered, I was a little shocked.
“I’ll be on the next plane.”
“Really?”
“I miss you too, Phillip,” she said softly, and her words were so genuine that I knew they were true.
“Wow. Okay, I didn’t actually expect you to say yes, but that’s really great,” I said, as a smile spread across my face. It might have been the first happy emotion I’d felt in a week.
“Are you sure? I know you have a lot going on right now.”
“I’m sure,” I told her quickly. “I want to see you. Get on a plane.”
“I’m packing as we speak.”
“Good. Cool. Okay, um, I actually need to go,” I said, realizing what time it was. “But I’ll text you my hotel info. I moved hotels to be closer to Gavin and Kelsey.”
“Sounds good,” she said in a breathy voice. “I’ll send you my flight info so you know what time I’m getting in. It might be late.”
“I don’t care. Just get here.”
“I’ll see you soon,” she told me, warming my heart that had felt ice cold for too long.
As I hung up the phone, I let myself relish in the fact that I was going to see her in a few hours. It was what I needed, and I knew it. But before I could settle into the comfort of Sabrina’s arms, I had to get through what was probably going to be the toughest thing I’d ever done. For a few brief minutes I’d allowed myself to be happy, but now I had to let reality settle back in. I had to lay Leah to rest, and I had to say goodbye. And whether I was ready for that or not, it was going to happen. Hopefully I’d get through it in one piece.
I was probably the last person to arrive, as the funeral was due to start in just five minutes, but I was glad to see that not everyone had taken their seats. Slinking in quietly and not making a spectacle of myself was important. This wasn’t about me.
Kelsey was standing at the back of the church talking to a couple I didn’t know. I probably knew their names, since over the past week, flowers and cards had arrived from everyone Leah had ever known, and I’d probably seen their names on something at some point. It was easy to see that Leah was beloved, and she would be missed so much.
Gavin stood next to Kelsey, looking so small in his dark suit that I’d helped pick out, his free hand in hers. His other arm was in a cast up to his elbow and had barely fit into the sleeve of his suit. Seeing his casted hand sticking out of the sleeve reminded me that he hadn't walked away from the accident unscathed. He looked up when I walked into the church, the wood floor beneath my feet creaking as I took a step forward.
“Phillip!” he said as he broke away from Kelsey and ran to me.
I picked him up and pulled him into my arms as he buried his face in my neck. “Hey, little man. How are you holding up?”
“I’m sad,” he said, sounding so honest it killed me.
“I know.”
I’d seen him that morning when I’d gone over to Leah’s house to make him breakfast. Kelsey had a list of last minute things to do before the service, so I’d done what I could to take Gavin off of her hands. As I’d made him toast and eggs – two things I’d never made before the past week but was now an expert at making – Gavin had sat solemnly at the table.
His emotions over the past week had been up and down, where one minute he was okay and the next he was angry or sad or hysterical. You never really knew what you were going to get. Sometimes he just wanted to be left alone, and other times he wanted company, but he didn’t really seem to want to talk. We had that in common.
Any other time, I would have distracted him with video games, skateboarding or swimming, but his broken arm prevented us from doing all of those things. So we’d played board games, even though neither of us were really into them, Kelsey or I would read to him, or we’d just watch TV. It had pretty much become a function of whatever Gavin wanted to do we did, just because we weren’t sure what else to do. Nothing felt normal anymore, and it felt wrong to push him to do things that might have been commonplace in the past, like helping out around the house, which I knew he did. Everything was different, and we were trying not to force anything until we had to.
“I’m sad too,” I told him.
“Do you think Mommy’s watching us from heaven?”
He’d asked that a lot of over the past week, and even though I’d never been overly religious, it brought me comfort to think about Leah watching over us. So I told him she was.
“Yeah, of course she is.”
“Do you think she’s happy?”
“I think she misses you very much, but she probably can’t help but smile when she looks down on you because you’re such an awesome kid.”
“I made her a picture. Aunt Kelsey said we could put it in the ground with the box, even though that’s not really Mommy in there, because she’s in heaven. I think she’ll like the picture.”
Geez, he was killing me.
“I think that sounds really great, Gav,” I told him, trying not to get choked up. “What did you draw?”
“It’s a picture of our family,” he said as he moved in my arms and reached into his pocket to pull something out.
It was folded up, and he handed it to me. I shook out the construction paper with my one free hand to see that it was a picture of him, Leah, Kelsey and me. My heart started to pound at his crude depiction of all of us, because even though he wasn’t the best artist in the world, it was obvious who he’d drawn. Just the fact that he’d included me as part of his family moved me like I’d never imagined.
“This is really great, bud,” I told him. “I think your mom is going to love it.”
“I think so too,” he said, taking it back from me.
“Hey you,” Kelsey said with a soft smile as she walked over to us. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show.”
“Nah, I wouldn’t have missed this,” I said, my voice sounding thick as I shifted Gavin in my arms. “I just had to make a phone call first.”
“Sabrina?” Kelsey questioned, surprising me that she knew that.
I nodded. “Yeah. How did you know?”
“Because I saw you dodging her calls all week. I’m glad you finally came to your senses.”
“Yeah, well, we’ll see.”
Kelsey smiled. “She makes you happy, and after what we’ve all been through, you deserve to be happy.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said vaguely, mostly because I didn’t want to think about being happy. I wasn’t sure I’d get there again. “You ready for this?”
She shook her head. “Not in the least.”
“Me either,” I said as I took her hand in mine and the three of us walked to the front of the church, Gavin still holding onto me.
He was really too old to be carried, but I figured he deserved an exception, and if he wanted to be held, I’d hold him as long as he needed. I knew how he felt, and if there was anything I could do to lessen his pain, I’d do it in a second.
Chapter Nineteen
Sabrina
I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. On one hand I’d been waiting for Phillip’s call for a week, spending most of that time vacillating between being worried out of my mind about him after what had happened the last time I saw him and selfishly hoping I hadn’t ruined everything by telling him I loved him. But on the other hand, this tiny part of me was telling me that the time and space of the past week was something I needed, because it would allow me to walk away if I wanted.
Phillip wasn’t in a good place, and I shouldn’t want any part of that. The rational side of me said this was an opportune time for me to push my feelings down, forget about them as best I could and just be there for him like I always should have been – as a support partner for overcoming his addiction. It gave me the ability to tell him that regardless of how much he’d missed me, we couldn’t carry on like we had been.
But hadn’t I always known that he wasn’t in a good place? Even the first night we’d slept together, when I could have pushed him away and kept things professional, I’d seen him teetering on the edge. I knew he wasn’t nearly as comfor
table with his sobriety as I was, and it would probably take him a while to get there. And then I’d seen it time and again. He was as unstable as a time bomb.
But I hadn’t said no, and I hadn’t pushed him away that first night – or any other night. Instead I’d dove in headfirst and kept doing it over and over again. Now I was in so deep that even if I wanted to get out, I knew I couldn’t. I was completely in love with him – the good and the bad parts – and that wasn’t going to change. I was completely at his mercy, which I very well knew could get me hurt, but I just couldn’t bring myself to walk away.
And because of that I was in first class on a plan to Miami, having spent an exorbitant amount of money on a last minute ticket that would take me to him. I had no idea what that meant. We hadn’t talked in a week, and our conversation earlier had been brief, but I’d heard three distinct words – I miss you. That was all it took. I was pulling out my suitcase to pack before we’d even hung up the phone.
I was almost there. I could see the lights of the city below as the plane came closer and closer to the ground, to Miami, and for me, to Phillip. It was almost ten o’clock at night, but I’d already gotten acclimated to pacific time in the week I’d been home, so it was early for me. I wouldn’t be ready for bed for a few hours, and I figured that was a good thing. Phillip and I needed to talk.
I wasn’t sure what to expect when I got to the hotel. Phillip and I hadn’t spoken since our one phone call before Leah’s funeral. He’d texted me his hotel information, and I’d sent him my flight info. He said a car would be waiting to pick me up.
As the plane touched down, my heart started to pound in excitement with the knowledge that I would see him soon. I knew how much trouble I could get into if things continued on as they had been, and I could only hope that there was more to what was between us than just sex. The girl who loved Phillip had a hard time believing he’d call her up and ask her to fly across the country on a whim just because he wanted to get laid. And I knew I was still holding out hope that one day he’d love me too. It was a long shot, but it was really all I had.
Westside Series Box Set Page 107
