“I wish you would have talked to me,” I told Phillip, hating that he’d been going through something so huge and hadn’t even let me know.
“I didn’t talk to anyone about this – except my therapist. I couldn’t. I didn’t even talk to Kelsey. It was just something I had to work through on my own.”
I squeezed his hand. “And where did you land after you worked through it?”
He sighed. “Kelsey wants custody of him, but he’s my son. And at the end of everything, I want him too, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to do that with my life the way it is. So I talked to her today, and we worked out a plan. Since I’m on the road for the next four months, Kelsey is going to watch Gavin, and when the tour’s over, I’ll assume primary responsibility of him. We have a week-long break coming up, so I should be able to spend some time with him, hope he’s okay with everything, and we’ll go from there. It’s going to be a big change, so I want to make sure he’s comfortable with everything – that he’s comfortable with me.”
I was amazed to hear what he was saying. I’d never expected him to be so mature about anything. I didn’t know if it was losing Leah or finding out that he was a father, but Phillip was different than he’d been a few months earlier. It was like he’d grown up, and regardless of everything else, I was so impressed with how he was taking responsibility.
“Phillip, that’s wonderful that you want to be in his life.”
“He’s my son. I don’t really see another option.”
Why did I find him even sexier when he said things like that?
“So what happens when you go back on tour?” I asked him, keeping my hormones at bay
“Well, Kelsey and I talked about that. If Gavin were to move in with her now, he’d have to move to New York, and he’d have to start school there, and then in October, he’d have to move again and transfer schools. It just didn’t make a lot of sense, and even though I have a place in the city, L.A. feels like a better place to raise him. I can buy a house with a yard, and there’s the beach. It’ll be more like what he’s used to at home. When I told Kelsey that, she agreed, but she was concerned about being across the country from him. Gav’s been really up and down with his emotions lately, and he loves Kelsey. He needs all the familiarity he can get. So we sort of talked about her coming out to L.A this summer and moving in with me to help me raise him. It’ll really help when I’m working or when I have to travel. And at least Gavin will be with someone he’s comfortable with, who’s family.”
Wow. That was a lot to digest.
“So you and Kelsey are moving in together?” I questioned, trying to hide the anxiety that news caused me. I knew they were just friends, but it still unnerved me.
“I know it’s not exactly normal, considering Kelsey and I are just friends, and I’m sure a lot of people will want to put their two cents in about whether we’re more than friends or not, but at the end of the day, I don’t care. This isn’t a normal situation. I don’t exactly know what I’m doing, and as long as Gavin is happy and feels loved, the rest is just details.”
“So, you’re going to buy a house, the three of you are going to live together, and you’re going to raise Gavin,” I said, nodding as I summed up what he’d just told me.
“Yes. I’m going to contact a realtor tomorrow and see if I can’t find a house fairly quickly. I figure the sooner I can work that out, the sooner Kelsey and Gavin can move. She’s talked to him about not staying in his house, and we know it’s going to be hard for him. The quicker we can create a new normal for him, the better. I’m even going to talk to Meredith about getting him enrolled in the fall in the private school where she works. Don’t tell Dillon, since he’ll be pissed that I’m talking to her, but I know she’ll look out for him if he goes there.”
“Wow, you’ve really thought all of this through,” I said, when what I really wanted to ask was if there was a place for me in his new life.
I knew it was selfish, but I also knew there was a very real possibility that he could tell me a new relationship on top of taking on fatherhood was just going to be too much. I started to mentally prepare myself for that.
“I had to work everything out,” Phillip said. “It was the only way I’d feel comfortable with it. Because I know what Gavin’s going through, I know how much harder this is going to be for him. Finding out I’m his dad is going to rock him even more, and he might love it or hate it. I’m not really sure what he’s going to think.”
“So he doesn’t know?” I questioned.
“No, we weren’t going to say anything until we knew for sure, and now that we know, I want to tell him in person.”
“I think he’s going to be really happy,” I told him, thinking about how much Gavin idolized Phillip. I had a feeling knowing Phillip was his dad would probably thrill him.
“Or he could be angry that I wasn’t there for him his whole life. It sucks that Leah took that from me, because she also took it from Gavin. I get that she had her reasons for not telling me, but because no one knew, it just makes it that much harder for me to tell him now. I wish I didn’t have to do it.”
“But you were there for him,” I reminded Phillip. “You love that little boy.”
“I know. I do,” he said, looking down at the table in front of us. When he looked back up at me, his gaze was intense. “I, um, I’m not sure what this feels like for you. I know it’s a lot, and my life is probably going to get crazy. I’m not really sure what to expect, and I know it’s a lot to ask of you to stick around for all this, but I really want us to be together, Sabrina. I know taking on a kid is probably the last thing you want, but I’m sort of hoping since you like me so much – or I believe you said you love me – that you might be okay with loving me in spite of the fact that my life might not be as carefree as it is now. It’s not like I can draw a line down the middle. When I do this, Gavin’s going to be my responsibility twenty-four hours a day. It’s going to be really different.”
My stomach fluttered as I heard his words. I knew without a doubt what I wanted.
I leaned closer to him. “I do love you, Phillip. I know this is going to be really difficult for you, and I’m sure it’s going to take some getting used to, but I’m not going anywhere. As long as you want me in your life, I’m here.”
I watched his mouth quirk up on one side. “Really?”
I nodded. “Really.”
“That’s awesome, because I actually think that I might love you too. I’m not sure, because I’ve never been in love before, so I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to feel like, but just the thought of losing you makes me kind of sick to my stomach. I’ve never wanted someone around like I want you, Sabrina, and I know that probably sounds odd considering I was a little distant this past week, but I promise it was just because of everything I was dealing with. It had nothing to do with you.”
“Come here,” I said, cupping his cheeks with my hands and pulling his face to mine.
I had to kiss him, because I was afraid if I kept looking at the soulful expression in his eyes, I would start crying. I couldn’t believe he’d just told me he loved me – in a roundabout sort of way, but I’d take it. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I kissed him long and deep, not caring that we were in a public place and that there were probably people who’d loved to capture our moment on camera. They could capture it all they wanted. It was one of the best moments of my life, and no one was about to ruin it.
I felt Phillip smile against my lips. “I guess we’re good?”
I pulled back to look at him. “We’re really good,” I said as I ran my thumb under his bottom lip.
“Then would you maybe want to come with me to talk to Gavin? I don’t want to go alone.”
I smiled. “I’d be happy to.”
He smiled back at me and looked a million times lighter than he had when he’d arrived at my suite earlier in the night. “Good.”
“When are you going?”
“I
’m going to talk to Damon about going next week. We’re supposed to have time off, and we were going to use it to record back in L.A., but this is more important. If he’s okay with it, I’ll go for three days, and then come back. I can look at houses while I’m home too. Anything I buy has to have a yard for Gavin’s swing set and a pool. Those are necessities as far as I’m concerned.”
“You’ve got everything figured out,” I marveled.
He laughed. “Everything and nothing at all. When it comes to being a father, I know squat.”
“Well, let’s just hope Gavin’s okay with having toast for every meal. At least you’ve got that covered.”
Phillip laughed even harder. “That’s so mean! You suck for bringing that up.”
“I know. But you’ll figure everything out,” I told him.
“Or I’ll just hire a cook.”
“Or you could do that. And if you do, I’ll probably come over for every meal. I hate cooking.”
“I can’t say I’d mind that. Like I said, I like having you around.”
“And I like being around,” I said, leaning closer to him.
“So we’re really doing this?”
“If you mean having a real adult relationship, then yes. We’re pretty much doing exactly that.”
He laughed softly. “I honestly never thought I’d want one of those. But I also thought I’d never want kids. I guess sometimes things just happen to you and you go with the flow.”
I nodded. “I know how that feels,” I said, kissing him once before getting to my feet. “I need to use the restroom.”
He leaned back against the banquette. “Have fun. I’ll just be here watching you walk away in those pants.”
I gave him a coy smile over my shoulder. “Or you could join me. My offer’s still on the table.”
He looked pleased to hear that. “Oh, you were serious about that?”
“Of course,” I said as he rose to standing and walked over to me. I turned to face him. “I figure you’d better get your fun in now before you’re too tired to have any.”
His hands landed on my hips, and he pulled me flush against him. His lips were close to mine as he said, “For the record, I’ll never be too tired for that. And I’ll be purchasing a house that’s big enough for necessary separation. I wouldn’t want to scar the kid or anything, and I’m not about to give this up.”
“That’s good to know. Because the past week has been a little torturous.”
“Full discloser?” he asked.
I nodded. “Of course.”
“I was freaked out about having sex. I didn’t want to get you pregnant. I was afraid that if it happened once it could happen again, you know?”
I eyed him knowingly. “I know exactly how you feel. And that’s why I went to the doctor yesterday and got the shot that prevents you from getting pregnant for three years. It’s apparently much more effective than the pill, and there isn’t any worry about user error. We should be good to lose the protection in a few days.”
“Maybe we can explore that option down the road, because just the thought of fucking you bare is completely turning me on, but for now I think I want to keep using condoms. Just in case.”
I laughed. “I’m totally okay with that.”
He kissed me. “Good.”
“Are you guys about done with the PDA?” I heard Van say, and Phillip and I both turned to look at him as Phillip threaded his arms around my waist.
“Not hardly,” he said.
“So I’m guessing you told her?” Van asked him.
“I did,” Phillip confirmed. “She’s cool with it.”
“I knew she would be. Good deal,” he said, patting his friend on the shoulder.
“I think we’re going to take off,” Phillip said. “Are you cool if we use the car? We’ll send it back.”
“Yeah, man. We’re not leaving anytime soon. You kids go have fun.”
“Thanks bro. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“We’re leaving at ten,” Van reminded him.
“I think I’m going to ride with Sabrina,” Phillip told him. “We’ve got some making up for lost time to do.”
Van grinned. “Then have fun.”
“We will,” I assured him, making him laugh.
Van winked at us as he sauntered off to the bar.
“So you really want to go?” I asked Phillip. “My offer’s still good.”
After hearing him tell me he loved me and that he wanted me in his life, I’d been more than willing to drag him to the bathroom and make good on my promise.
He eyed me knowingly. “I’m not letting you give me a blow job in a club bathroom, Sabrina. That’s gross, and I don’t want to risk any perverts who put hidden cameras up just to capture that sort of thing. I’d rather go back to the hotel, where I know the sheets are clean, and let you do whatever you want to me.”
“Whatever I want?” I questioned coyly as a slew of ideas came to mind.
“Anything you want,” he said as he kissed me.
“Deal,” I told him as I kissed him back.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Phillip
“Hey man, do you have a minute?” I asked Damon when I knocked on the door to his suite.
“Yeah, sure. Come on in,” he said, stepping back to let me in.
“Nice digs,” I said as I looked around the small space.
It was similar to Sabrina’s suite, which was a few doors down. I’d just come from there, trying to get a little extra encouragement, since I had a feeling Damon wasn’t going to be all that excited with what I had to tell him.
“How are you holding up?” he asked me as he gestured for me to take a seat on the couch.
“I’m fine,” I told him, which was exactly what I’d told him every day that he’d asked me that same question since Leah had died.
“How are things with Sabrina?”
I nodded. “Good. We’re good.”
I’d never liked to open up much around Damon. I knew that for him, the best interest of the band always came before any singular member, and although he’d had my back over the past year, I didn’t always trust him. I tried to remember that it was business, and even though he’d been with us from the start, I knew his loyalty was to our label, not us. We were only as supported as our success garnered.
And Damon was likely waiting for me to screw up, so I knew any ammunition given to him should be kept to a minimum. I was surprised that he’d been so understanding about everything that had happened after Leah died, but that was most likely because he didn’t know the whole story. Sabrina hadn’t told anyone what she’d witnessed at my dad’s condo. All Damon knew was that I’d taken off after I found out what happened. He didn’t know that I’d spent all day fighting an internal war with myself to kick my sobriety to the curb.
But he did sit me down after I got back to the tour, because he hadn’t known until that night that Sabrina and I were seeing each other. I guess it was fairly obvious considering she’d been with me when I’d found out about the accident, and her worry and insistence that she be the one to go after me were enough for Damon to connect the dots. And he hadn’t exactly been pleased. I guess in his eyes, me sleeping with my sponsor was a recipe for disaster, when in reality it was what had keep me sober. Sabrina knew me well enough to know what I’d needed that night, and she’d kept me from doing something I would have regretted. I owed her everything for that.
But it didn’t change the fact that Damon had chastised her for crossing a line and that I got an earful for not taking Sabrina’s help seriously. As soon as he’d said that, I’d stopped him, and we’d had a long talk about exactly how helpful Sabrina had been. To me, she was a godsend.
At the end of it, Damon was okay with me dating Sabrina, but he seemed fixated on finding me another sponsor. I’d firmly reminded him that I’d been sober for six months – mostly because of Sabrina’s influence over the past two months. Then I told him to back off and let me be before I’d w
alked away. Thankfully he hadn’t pushed the issue since then.
But now I was back talking to him, because I needed to break the news about Gavin. It wasn’t like I could keep it under wraps, and I knew the media was going to pounce on my news as soon as they heard it. That was why I wanted to head them off at the pass. I wanted to make an official statement, set the record straight and hopefully keep the paparazzi from making assumptions and spending time digging through my past to find out who Gavin was and why he was suddenly in my life full-time – if that was what he wanted.
I knew I was taking a chance in telling Damon what was going on, since I hadn’t yet told Gavin. I was banking on the fact that he’d be excited to find out that I was his dad. And since Sabrina and I were heading to Florida the next day, I didn’t want to be in a situation where the key people who supported Westside found out what was going on after the fact. No, after everything I’d put them through, this was something I wanted to tell them before it became official. That way we could plan how to announce it to the world and control the fallout.
I knew once I made a statement, Katherine would be fielding calls from magazines and talk shows wanting to do a story on Gavin and me, but I was already planning on telling them no. I wasn’t going to exploit him like that for a couple of bucks. Making a statement was as far as I’d go, and I wasn’t answering any questions about him or my relationship with Leah in interviews. I was going to make that explicitly clear. This was a private part of my life, and it was going to stay that way.
“So what’s on your mind?” Damon asked me, not usually one to drag things out. He was too busy for that.
“I have a son,” I told him, cutting to the chase.
Westside Series Box Set Page 113
