by Lux,Vivian
The reception was under a beautiful white tent rising like gull wings over the green ocean of lawn. The twinkling fairy lights wound around the poles made me feel like I was stepping into a dreamland. The faces of the people I loved most in the world swam around me—Diggs, Bash, all of the guys, the happy bride and groom, and there in the center of everything was Jax, looking like an inked Prince Charming in his tuxedo. On his arm, I felt like royalty, the prom queen I never got a chance to be. I sighed and leaned against his shoulder. "I really wish I could be happy right now."
"You can," he said.
"Are you?"
"Guess I'm happy for them, yeah." He gestured toward our parents who were stuffing cake into each other’s mouths. My Dad carefully dropped a piece into Annie's open mouth. She returned the favor by smearing frosting all over his beard.
"I am too." I answered. Was this what it meant to be a grown-up? Having to set aside your own most fervent desire for the good of those you loved?
Annie and my Dad shared their first dance to a medley of Annie's greatest hits—which had me laughing into the back of my hand as I watched Jax's face twist between happiness and utter disgust at his mother's narcissism. But when the song was over and the rest of the couples were called to the dance floor, Jax reached out his hand to me. "Come on."
I shook my head. "We can't."
"Sure we can, it's a wedding. People dance at weddings."
"We can't dance together, Jax. It's too dangerous."
"You might be right, but I don't really give a fuck about anything else right now. Please, Bit."
The unspoken plea hung in the air. This would be the last time he could hold me. Once I understood, I fairly sprinted into his arms.
The song started, an old classic rock ballad all wailing guitars and overwrought lyrics. It perfectly suited my mood. I buried my face Jax's jacket, my heart almost too full to speak. "So that's it, then," I choked.
He knew what I meant. "That's it, yeah."
"I'm your sister now."
Somehow he managed to pull me even closer. "I have the most beautiful fucking sister in the world," he said fiercely.
I laughed into his chest and inhaled his scent. "This is so fucked."
"It really is."
"Is everyone staring at us right now?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"Fuck. I'm just going to hide in here forever."
"That's fine with me," he said so quietly I more felt it than heard it. We swayed gently, slowly to the music. It was like he was rocking me to sleep, like he was still holding me last night. I wished I was asleep, that this was all a bad dream and I could wake up and be with him like I should.
When the music ended, his grip didn't loosen and neither did mine. "I'm afraid to let go of you."
"Then don't." He sounded so fucking sad.
"Jax …"
"I know." He pulled back a little. "I love you."
"I love you."
That was the second time Jaxson Blue broke my heart.
Part Three
Chapter Forty
Liliana
Angel had never been in my bedroom before. Even sitting at the far corner of my bed, curling herself as tightly as she could to stay out of the way, there was still barely enough room to maneuver. I had to stand in an awkwardly twisted and bent pose just to get the last of my books packed into their boxes.
" …could have at least scored us some back stage passes, or something." She was pissed, but pretending not to be.
"Angel, you don't understand. I can't ask that of him." I was really regretting telling her even the little she did know, but when I landed in New York, I was too raw and broken-hearted to keep it inside. As far as she knew, Jax was an old friend who I had once had a crush on, and wasn't-it-so-weird he was my stepbrother now?
She kept talking right over me." …completely, like, the pinnacle of my life if I met him. Seriously, what's he like? " I opened my mouth to answer and she just bowled right over me in an avalanche of aggrieved feelings. "I can't believe you knew him. It's like you're moving out just when you got interesting, Liliana. We could have totally hung out more, you know. That was totally always an option."
I pressed my lips together and taped the top of the box I was working on. "Oh yeah, I totally know it was," I answered breezily. "It was just our different schedules, and all that, made it hard you know?"
"Yeah …" She sighed and blew a puff of breath out of the side of her mouth in a pretty killer imitation of a Disney princess. Then she veered straight back for the most important topic. "So, you're seriously not going to his show tonight?"
The packing tape's horrible screeching noise drowned out my own. "No," I said firmly. I didn't trust myself to say anything more. The words were all bunched up there on the tip of my tongue, ready to tumble out in a word-vomit flood of vulnerability.
I stared at the brown cardboard like it was some sort of ancient tome that needed deciphering and counted back from ten. But even that couldn't keep the tide of hurt from rushing in. Fuck, I had had it—it. The kind of love that lasted a lifetime, and I set it aside over worries about how it all looked.
And he loved me enough to let me.
"Why are you laughing?" Angel demanded.
"I didn't realize I was," I said, wiping the hysterical tears aware. "Just something Jax and I did at the wedding. We're idiots when you get us together."
"So get together tonight!" Angel was nothing if not persistent. "We can get you an extra ticket. It's be like our last hurrah as roommates, you taking me to meet the rock god you grew up with." She shivered with excitement. "Those eyes of his, are they really that blue in real life?"
"They really are."
"How about his body, have you ever seen him with his shirt off up close? Oh God, never mind, I can tell by your face that you have. How about his …" Her voice dropped down to a conspiratorial whisper." …cock? Have you seen that?"
"I once walked in on him as he was getting out of the shower …" It was true, anyway.
"Oh my God!" She whipped out her phone and started texting. "Seriously Lily, we are making this happen tonight. I don't care if I have to drag you by your hair …"
"No," I said. I meant to sound firm, but it sounded more like a shout. She looked up at me, stricken, as I tried to compose myself. "No," I repeated, softer this time. "I really want to get finished packing tonight."
"But why are you moving? You never really explained that. Just came back all weird and quiet and said I have to find a new roommate. How could you do that to me, by the way? What if they're a complete weirdo?"
I ignored the second part of her question as I sought to answer the first. "I'm moving because… it's hard to put in words. Have you ever had a change in your life that's so drastic you can't believe it's not immediately visible to everyone who sees you?"
Angel was silent for several seconds. "When my cat died back in high school, I was, like, a wreck for months. Started wearing black and everything."
I nodded encouragingly. "Yeah, so you started wearing black. I'm moving to a place I've never seen before." Or so I believed. I was heading upstate, to a writer's retreat in the Catskills.
That's what I told Angel, anyway.
But what I didn't say was that I wasn't actually sure about that. I might just spend some time on the road for a while. Find someplace quiet to lick my wounds. The road was calling me. My dad, of all people, would understand, but he was still on his extended honeymoon with Annie. So the only person I could talk to about this extraordinary change inside of me was my soon-to-be-ex-roommate. This was the most we had spoken in a year.
Angel was trying hard to understand. I had to give her that. "That's totally nuts," she finally exhaled.
I laughed and taped another box. "It is," I agreed. "But I need to do it. I'll go crazy if I don't."
She leaned back and stretched her legs out on the bed. "Well, I'm going to hate you forever for telling me this today, of all days. Are you dead certai
n you won't come and get me and my friends backstage?"
I paused and looked down at my hands. "Believe me, I'm the last person Jaxson Blue wants to see tonight."
*****
When Angel finally left for the show, the apartment was finally quiet. I had just taped shut the last box in my bedroom when my cell phone buzzed so loudly I almost had a heart attack.
When I saw the caller ID, I looked at the time. 10:20 p.m. I couldn't help but smile. "Hey, Dad, you had better not be calling me on your honeymoon!"
My dad's familiar rumble sounded more relaxed than I had ever heard him. A month in Bora Bora with your soulmate would do that, I guess. "Just landed at JFK, actually," he said. "Thought we might be able to swing by and see my baby girl."
I had to shake my head at his impeccable timing "Dad, I don't actually have a place anymore. I'm moving out as we speak.”
"You're what?"
"Moving out."
My dad was silent for a moment. Then he grunted in affirmation. "Ah. Okay. Where're you headed?"
I grinned even wider. "I'll fill you in once I have all the details," I told him, suddenly eager to pick his brain about life on the road. "Maybe I could meet you for dinner in Queens, or something?"
I heard him mumble something, and then the sounds of a slight scuffle. Annie's voice suddenly filled my ear. "Lily! You're going to see Jax tonight, right? We can go out afterward."
"I'm… not going to this show. No," I faltered.
She held her silence a beat longer than necessary. Just long enough for my heart to sink into my stomach. "He had three shows in New York," she said frostily.
"I know."
"What the hell happened with you two?"
My heart leapt into my throat. "What?!"
She huffed and must have moved to a quieter part of the airport because suddenly her voice was as clear as if she were standing right in the room with me, her voice ringing in my ear. "It's clear you love him. Why did you leave?"
As my brain still stumbled to process what Annie had just said, my dad snatched the phone back from his wife. "You two got a good thing. Take it from a guy who spent his whole life runnin' away from what's good, Liliana."
"You're not runnin' anywhere now, old man," I heard Annie drawl in the background.
"Not until you give me back my balls," my dad growled back at her, earning a round of her rich, smoky laughter. He got back on the phone with me. "Every father wishes this sort of thing for his daughter."
My mind simply refused to process what I was hearing. "…this… sort of thing?"
"I saw the way he looked at you while you were dancing at the reception. And Lily, maybe I don't deserve to have wishes for you after being absent from your life so long. But the best a father can hope for his daughter is that she ends up with a guy that looks at her like that. Like she's the only thing in the world."
"You knew?" I bleated.
My Dad growled. "I may be an old road dog. I've abused my brain with too much booze, and I don't hear too good from too much rock and roll. But my eyes still work just fine. And I can see that you love him." He hesitated. "Why, I have no idea… ow." I could hear Annie smacking him and laughed through the freely flowing tears. "Okay, he's a smug little shit, but you bring out the best in him. And he makes you happy. I'm not ever going to stand in the way of that again."
The sounds of the Annie grabbing for the phone filled my ear. "I've already talked with my publicist about it. We can spin it. He's already working the dark and edgy thing. My guess is this only adds to his career." She paused. "If that's what you were worried about."
"That was… part of it."
"Honey, we all got rock and roll in our blood. It's our job to shake things up, be the bad guys. Hell, scandal is my middle name."
I stammered something that sounded vaguely like speech as she continued. "I'll be proud to call you my daughter, Lily. Guess this'd make you doubly so."
"Holy shit," I whispered.
"Yeah?" Annie sounded downright eager.
I didn't know what else to say, so I said the only thing that sprung to mind. "I have to go."
Chapter Forty-One
Jax
There was a certain point in the night when the music seemed to flow through me. It had happened at every show we'd played on this month-long mini-tour and it was happening again tonight.
We were a cohesive unit now. I hadn't touched the bottle since the night with Lily. I had been focused and determined, even deigning to take direction in spite of it ruining my cocky reputation. But it was helping. Even Banks seemed to be enjoying himself at his bank of keyboards.
I moved my head and Casper stepped forward, launching seamlessly into the guitar solo as the lights angled out into the crowd, lighting up the sea of rapt faces staring back at us. I lifted my fingers and Talon's bass drum kicked in and then suddenly we all crashed together into the bridge
It was electric. It was wild. It was everything I had ever wanted it to be.
"Said she was my sister/Caught up in a twister …" Casper's last note blended seamlessly into mine. I held it as long as I could, screaming out the longing in the lyrics I had written during those fevered three days. They barely seemed like my words anymore. They were a snapshot in time, a moment with Lily I had lost forever.
"One-two-three-four!" I roared into the mic, bringing us straight into the last song before the encore. "Hey there, stubborn little girl/Wanna show you all the world/But first, you gotta open up your door …" The song hadn't even dropped twenty-four hours ago, but somehow, these people already knew all of the words to “Slam.” They were saying it was bound to be an even bigger hit than “Cocky.”
"Slam the door/Go on and give me more/Slam the door/On me."
"Thank you, and good night!" We made our bows and bounded off the stage to thunderous applause. I ran backstage and grabbed the towel my assistant had at the ready. The roar of the crowd shook the whole stadium, reaching up to the rafters. "Jax, Jax, Jax!"
I nodded at the guys. "Encore's 'Cocky,' of course. Give 'em what they came for. But let's do it the new way we rehearsed. Everyone good?"
Four heads nodded in unison. "Sorry, Banksy," I teased. "I know how much you hate that song."
"It's grown on me," the keyboardist sighed.
If I wasn't already as high as a kite with the adrenaline of the show, I would have crowed out loud over that admission. Instead I just nodded. "Thanks, man."
"No problem." he grumbled.
Well, shit. It took long enough but Banks had finally succumbed to my charms.
They all do, eventually.
Except one. The one that mattered most of all.
"Okay," I said, rubbing my hands together. "Let's get out there before they tear this whole place down."
"Yo, Jax?" Diggs called from the backstage entrance. "Can I grab a word?
"Kinda shitty timing, dude." I would never admit how much I liked having my mother's road team working for me now. They were old farts, but they knew their shit backwards and forwards. Only problem was when they got a bit too familiar. Like right now. "Can it wait?"
I saw a brown, silky head moving behind him. My body was reacting even before I could process it into speech. "Not really no." Diggs smiled ruefully. "She's never been good at that."
"Jax!" Liliana called from behind him. "Jax, please!"
I didn't hesitate. I nodded and Bash lifted his arm, sending Liliana careening into my arms. She was already babbling, her breath hitching, barely understandable over the roar of the impatient crowd. "I finally realized… My dad doesn't care, Annie doesn't care, but none of that matters, because I don't care either." She pulled my face down to her level, pressing our foreheads together. I closed my eyes in sheer bliss at having her skin against mine once again. "Do you hear me, Jax? I don't give a fuck about society or propriety. I love you, and that's the only thing that matters."
Chapter Forty-Two
Liliana
It pays to have friends. The
right people in the right places …
At first, security was ready to throw me out. One more girl in a line of screaming girls, I completely understood. My demands that they call Jax, call Annie, call Casper, any of the guys in the band, they all fell on deaf ears.
Until Greg Fingers walked by.
"Bit?" He sounded stoned as usual, blinking at me slowly, like a turtle.
"Greg! Tell them to let me backstage! I need to talk to Jax!"
"What the heck are you doing over there, Bit?" Greg was still blinking and I bit my lip in frustration. "Ain't you supposed to be here with us?"
"Yes!" I exploded. "Tell them to let me backstage!"
Greg nodded in slow motion, then tapped the security guard's shoulder and gestured toward me. The guard shook his head and crossed his arms firmly over his chest and I nearly exploded inside. I was ready to call the police, the National Guard. This was clearly a matter of life and death.
I was actually reaching for my cell phone, ready to call I-don’t-know-who to help me, when the guard finally gestured curtly and I felt myself lifted over the crowd barrier. "Thank you!" I screamed, kissing Greg on the cheek, then turning and planting an impetuous one on the guard's cheek, as well.
But once I was backstage, I froze. I was adrift in a sea of strangers that ignored me completely. Jax was still on stage. I had no way of getting to him without help.
"Diggs!" I screamed when I saw his familiar, wonderful face.
"Lily?" He turned and stared at me like I had appeared out of thin air. Which I guess I had.
"Please, Diggs. I need to talk to Jax."
His mouth twitched. "Finally figured it out, huh?"
"Goddammit, did everyone know?"
Diggs looked thoughtful. "Pretty sure Greg Fingers is still piecing everything together, but he'll get there."
I rocked onto my toes. "I'll be mortified later. Right now, I need to talk to him. Can you help me?"
Diggs' eyes crinkled. "Yeah, Lil. I think I can."
He let me right to the end of the hall. "Can't let you past here, not just yet."
