by Gina Whitney
The sound of my heart whooshing blood through my veins. And then little white bursts started to close in. I tried to focus on his colorful tatted arms. Something. Anything. It was no use. This was bigger than me. Bigger than us. His arms found mine and pulled me to the floor in one fluid motion. It was official. I had nothing from my childhood. No scribblings. No baby pictures. No class pictures. No jewelry. Not even a lousy baby dish. I had nothing to pass down to my own child. I had absolutely nothing. And there we sat…me in his lap on a carpet of ABCs and I sobbed. My heart broke into a tiny million pieces of nothingness. The steeled drawer in my mind I had locked up tight reopened. My heart grew heavy for the childhood I missed. The family I never experienced, and the love never offered. A shaken mess, I looked up at him and studied his eyes. The eyes that spoke the unspoken words. I love you.
My tears leaked over my puffy cheeks and onto my swollen lips. “Why would you ever want to be with a…nothing? I come from nothing. I am nothing. How could I possibly be a good mother?” I blinked away the fresh tears. “Do you know how damaged and fucked up I am?”
He wiped my tears with the back of his hand and leaned in close. His voice steady and powerful. “You still don’t get it, do you? You. Are. Everything.” His lips took hold of mine and I abandoned myself to him. I found strength in his words as they echoed in my mind, but mainly, it was the mutual despair his eyes held that strengthened me.
He spoke the words, but my heart felt like it was bleeding. Wrapped haphazardly in years’ worth of fear and secrets. It wasn’t easily discarded. I prayed one day I’d find the freedom and would no longer struggle in the dark…
The morning dew settled where the memories of the past were washed away and a new day began. It was a beautiful day in LA. I decided to get some sun out by the pool. Neat, manicured vegetation grew on the far end of the infinity pool. I sat entranced by the beauty that lay beyond, the unobstructed view of Hollywood laid out before me. And it was stunning. I sat in my favorite lounge chair and watched the condensation drip from the pitcher of iced-tea. Cindy. We needed to catch up. The time here was one in the afternoon and she was an hour ahead. Perfect. It was after lunchtime. I scrolled to Cindy’s number, hit call, and sat back.
She answered after the second ring. “I was just thinking about you, Gia. I miss your crazy ass.” She huffed—must’ve been out running errands. “Wait, are you in labor?”
Now it was my turn to laugh. “No, I’m only in my second trimester…and I miss you like crazy.” We only spent long weekends together since Germany. “Listen, we’re having a big Fourth of July party. It gives you plenty of time to figure shit out. Who knows, maybe the baby will come early. Do you want to miss that?”
She sighed heavily. “Of course not! And by people…do you mean that Mc-Irish prick?”
I felt her pain. I really did. She fell hard for Woody, and was still in denial. I long suspected she held a special place in his heart. However, Woody loved the whole scene and was nowhere near ready to settle down. Cindy had a blasé attitude about it, and regarded her time with Woody as a fleeting affair. I saw through her thick skin and deep into her heart. After all, she was my closest friend and I had a doctorate in denying feelings. But, her life was in Colorado, and a good one. A secure job with Gunner ESQ, and she was Mr. Gunner’s right hand. It didn’t hurt that he paid her well. He had been a gem in the past by letting her spend weeks with me on tour. I didn’t know what I would’ve done without his intervening or her loyal friendship.
“Why so angry, Cin?” The banter that followed was good for my soul. I’d missed her and our girl-time—it had been a while since I had any. Abel’s mom had flown out a few times. However, after learning about what she did to Chance, I kept her at arm’s length. Her relationship with Abel was held together by the barest thread. His face held no love, only disgust. Believe me, I got his pain, and I tried my hardest to help bridge the gap…figuring it would be healthier for our family as a whole. We had a new life we were bringing into the world, and maybe the past should stay in the past.
“Nah, not angry. Just callin’ it like I see it. Anyway, I’m sure that caveman has you plenty occupied.” Her voice mixed with sarcasm and promise. She was breaking down. I could hear it.
“This is true, but there’s nothing like having your girl.” I hinted, but then decided to beg. “Please…I’ll send you a ticket, and you know you can stay here.”
“I don’t need a ticket. I can buy my own.”
“So, you’ll come?” I was already bouncing in my chair.
“Do you really think I’d ever say no? I’m only considering, because I miss you, the potential for hot guys is high, and I could have a brand new baby Abel or Gia to hold.”
I clapped nearly dropping my phone. “Well I hoped to have some girl-time before the baby comes. Besides, I’ve sent you plenty of pictures of the hot LA guys recently. The incentive is high my friend.” We hung up and I shed another layer of angst and hope and joy filled my heart.
June
A cool Santa Ana breeze swept across my groggy body. Sleep still clung to my limbs, and the sun sat lower in the sky. It was a typical hot, muggy June day in Los Angeles, but none of that mattered at this point. Sticky weather, frustrating traffic, and dense-fog, all of life’s little distractions melted away in an instant with the exciting news. I was now on weekly visits to the OB, and we found out last night the newest chapter in our lives would most likely come early. A few months ago, I chose to find out the sex of the baby. Abel chose not to. He explained, “There are too few surprises in life. Why would I want to ruin one of the biggest ones?” It made sense, and it was his choice. Which, I respected. So I decorated the nursery in neutral colors…for now.
“Well…well…well. I can see that broody alpha was right sending me to check up on you.” Chance tsked. He carried a wooden tray filled with fruits, two Cobb salads, and oatmeal raisin cookies and set it on the table.
I sat up, shading my eyes with my hand. “Well, thank fuck he did. Look at all this goodness you’ve brought me.” I lied, but smiled anyway. “I need help.”
“I can see that…” He kidded. It was getting harder and harder these days to do the simplest of things like getting up from a sitting position. Forget about tying my own sneakers. I lived in flip-flops recently.
He beamed happily, and bit the swell of his lip as he helped me up. I walked over and took a seat under the shade of the umbrella. He poured a fresh glass of iced tea for us both and drove his fingers through his sun-kissed hair—the ends long enough to skirt along the collar of his shirt. He wore bright blue board shorts that hung deep below his hips, showing the cuts along either side of his abdomen. My eyes cruised up and down his body, taking inventory. How he was still single was a mystery. Boohoo for all the girls on my team and heehaw for all the boys on his. Chance was one word—devastating. I wouldn’t say he was the “boy next door” because there weren’t boys like that next door.
He sat and handed me a napkin. “Please stop raping me with your eyes. You’re pregnant with someone else’s baby, and it’s uncomfortable.” He rolled his eyes dramatically and I laughed. I mean, I really laughed, because it was true. He was pretty to look at, and the pregnancy has done some fucked-up shit to my hormones. Chance’s wit was only part of the charm and very much appreciated these days.
Abel and he were on the road to healing. It hasn’t been an easy road, but at the end of the day…Abel chose his friend over the unfortunate situation that was dealt long ago. Fear fed the monster that had gained momentum, and Chance didn’t have the courage to yield against it. We all learned some lessons that day—forgiveness sat high on the list. However, without fear, there cannot be courage.
I quickly stuffed my mouth with salad and realized I was missing something. Something that I needed more than my next breath. “Hmm…”
“Are you looking for this, little pregnant demoness?” Chance handed me a dish covered by a white linen napkin, which I happily accepted.
I uncovered it hastily, nearly dropping it to the floor. Another symptom of pregnancy…butter fingers. I’m a clumsy bitch.
“My god, I have never seen someone ‘shark’ for chocolate and pickles like you.” He shook his head in revulsion. “Totally disgusting.”
It was half-sour dill pickle spears with a side of tiny peanut butter cups. I bit into a pickle and tossed a few candies in my mouth. “You need to try it. It’s the best combo I ever created.” Another truth…in recent months I’ve concocted more unpleasant noshes than Chance cares to recall.
“You’re disgusting, you know that? I’m sick to my stomach watching you.” His face paled and I smiled, enjoying the show.
“Then why did you sneak it to me?” I asked, even though I knew the answer. However, I could never get used to hearing it.
“Ha! I ask myself that every day. Chance, why do you continue to enable someone with an addiction? The answer is simple…you don’t have the right equipment for my tastes,” he said while wagging his eyebrows teasingly. “So, in order for me to see what you look like while having an orgasm, I must sneak you things the broody man won’t allow you to have. I swear, the doctor makes one comment about how you shouldn’t have something and he goes all caveman on your ass and you develop an addiction.”
I took another bite of my pickle as he filled his plate with salad and fruit. “Pfft, I’m not addicted. I could stop anytime I want.”
His hand swept across the table to take my beloved dish.
“Touch that and you die.” I grabbed my fork, ready to stab him.
His eyes widened and his brows pinched together. “I’m honestly worried for you. Like seriously. You need a support group for pregnant beasts. Besides, what would the broody alpha say if I told him I’ve been sneaking you these?”
My head whipped around and I glared. “You wouldn’t dare…” I knew he most likely wouldn’t. After all, Abel would kill him, and then scold me. Last few visits to the OB, my blood pressure was high. I needed to lay off salt and take it easy. The doctor was worried about Preeclampsia so Abel had the house purged of any salt and sweets, making it unbearable.
Before Chance could answer, the unthinkable happened. The boys returned from the studio tired and hungry. Fuck. “Stick the rest in your pants.” I pushed the dish toward him.
“What pants? I’m wearing board shorts, bitch.” His voice filled with panic.
I shrugged. “And? Figure it out right quick or…” I turned my attention to Abel, Woody, Ender, and Jake.
Out of the corner of my eye, Chance stuck the rest of the peanut butter cup and two pickles spears into the side pocket of his board shorts. “I hate you right now. You know that, right?” He glared at me, wiping his hand on the napkin. “Worst friend ever—ever.” He stood to greet the boys, smiling widely. I laughed, and Chance’s eyes met mine with malice. He murmured something about Karma and how he hoped my feet would swell three more sizes.
Woody hugged me tight before grabbing a handful of grapes. “I see yer still up the flue.”
I blinked a few times and searched my mind for the definition. Chance and I recently bought an Irish to English translator. Chance stood behind Woody gesturing with his hands around his belly. Pregnant. “Yep, and in my third trimester. Almost at the end.” I beamed, and he leaned in to kiss my cheek.
“Aye, the babe is comin’ soon then…” He nodded and stepped around me, heading for the bar.
Woody, recently sported a taped up, faded Mohawk. It wasn’t as extreme as a normal Mohawk, but it was a trendy version of one. His roots were dark and the ends were light blond. He wore it well. What I couldn’t wrap my head around was the basketball shorts he wore. When I asked, his response was classic Woody: “Tis the best of ol’ time. I’m Jordan with my sticks.” How could you not laugh at that statement? While it was true—he was the best drummer that came on the scene in years—his comparison to Jordan was brilliant.
Jake and Ender hung back, speaking off to the side while Abel’s determined gait caught my attention. No. I looked for Chance and saw him slipping through the sliders.
Abel sat on the double lounge, kicked his feet up, and beckoned me with his finger. His smirk was adorable and his eyes focused solely on my lips. Jesus, did I have chocolate on them? It would be too obvious to wipe my mouth and gargle with my iced-tea. I knew he’d sniff it out. So I went to him, holding my chin up high, and let him pull me to lay next to him. “Hiya.” I kissed his cheek and burrowed my face into his chest. “Why are the guys here?”
“Is that a problem, Beauty?” he asked and pulled his sunglasses down from the top of his head to cover his eyes. Problem? Was he serious?
I sat up and turned to face him. “Never a problem. I was just wondering if they were hungry. I could go in and—”
He pulled me over his legs to straddle him. And I thanked god I’d put my cover up on before they arrived. He loved my pregnant body. Me, not so much. “Is that what you’re worried about Gia? You want to feed the boys? That is why I hired Michael. So you can enjoy this pregnancy, house, and above all, me…without the worry of cooking.” He leaned forward and captured my lips. “Umm…” He moaned deeply then pulled away. “I usually taste sugar as you’re so sweet, Beauty. But today, I taste chocolate and peanuts with a hint of pickle.” His brow raised as he waited for the confirmation he already knew.
Busted.
Having the gift of thinking on my feet, my answer was quick. “Impossible, I’m not allowed peanuts, chocolate, or pickles. Although, I don’t see why not once in a while.” I shrugged it off. “And besides, where would I get it from? You wiped the house clean,” I said as innocently as I could pull off. I couldn’t see Abel’s eyes through his sunglasses, but I could see his tight lips and the flare in his nostrils. I started fanning myself. “How about a swim?”
Just then, Chance came out of the pool house wearing new board shorts, and Abel followed my eyes. “Hey, skippy, any idea why Gia tastes like chocolate, pickles and peanuts”
Chance stopped short of our chair and answered with complete confidence. “No clue. As you can see, her tray is right there.” He pointed to the table without missing a beat. Damn, he even had me questioning what I’d eaten. “Now, if the boys are staying, I need to tell Michael.” He took off and walked quickly to the main house.
I chewed the inside of my cheek and waited for what was next. However, it wasn’t something I anticipated.
He pulled me close, kissed my nose and then my forehead. “You’re not a very good liar, Beauty, and neither is Skippy. Do I need to raid the pool house?” His voice remained calm yet deadly serious, and my body stiffened.
“Nope.” I shook my head vehemently. “I promised to behave, and I’m behaving.” I kissed his cheek and made a mental note to have Chance get rid of anything he stashed.
Jake and Ender finally approached, saving me from more of the alpha attitude being thrown my way. “There’s our girl.” Ender grabbed my hand and helped me off Abel’s lap, hugging me tight. His green eyes weren’t his best assets. The combination of his Spanish skin and jet black hair were top on that list. He had a sexy European look that he capitalized on, and the ripped body he sported was just icing on the cake. His hair buzzed on both sides, long on top, and it fell sexily over his right eye. Maybe it was his constant finger combing that kept the attention of the ladies. He certainly made a show of it.
Ender released me to Jake. “You’re absolutely gorgeous Gia. Can I feel?” His voice was full of admiration and he kissed my forehead in the way of a brother. I never had a sibling, but now I felt like I did.
“Thank you, Jake. And of course you can.” I blushed and looked up at Jake’s handsome face.
He placed his hand gently on the top of my stomach. The sun reflected off his eyebrow piercing. He had deep blue eyes, dark brown hair with natural highlights, and high cheekbones a girl would kill for. His chiseled face matched his chiseled body. He spent many hours in the gym honing it. He was a work of art,
and Chance joked, calling him “David” after Michelangelo’s piece. I couldn’t refute his claim. He was stunning to look at. Each of the boys were gorgeous and unique in their own right. However, there was something different about Jake. He had a quietness to him, but there was something prowling behind his eyes. I’ve heard some stories from Chance. His quiet demeanor was the lure that baited women, who became helpless to his charms. In fact, his kink might be up there with Abel’s. Which I just couldn’t picture. They all had a unique look.
Jake removed his shirt and draped it over the chair, turning his chair to face the setting sun. My eyes dropped to the square bandage on the top of his upper right arm. The boys were always getting new tattoos or piercings. This was nothing new to me. I stopped caring about “traditional” families and what people might think. My circumstances were different. They were my life now, and I was thankful for each and every one of them.
“Get your pervy hands off my girl and my kid,” Abel shouted, and all conversation halted. Until he smirked. I knew as well as they did that he was deadly serious. However, I had a talk with him about people wanting to touch out of curiosity and it wasn’t anything perverted. He said, “I’ll consider it.”
Michael, our chef, barbequed, and Jessie, our sous chef, helped serve. The food flowed and so did the spirits. The boys, as usual, cleaned out the beer and moved on to hard liquor. Abel, of course, wasn’t drinking, and I couldn’t. However, what caught Chance’s and my attention was Ender and Jakes reaction to Jessie. Abel obliviously played with my hair and neck, Woody tapped new beats on the back of a chair, all while Ender and Jake not so discreetly cornered Jessie. Chance shook his head back and forth at me, because he knew what was coming.
I turned and whispered in Abel’s ear—the question Chance was clearly fretting over. “What’s that about?” But he continued to ignore me and placed hot kisses up and down my neck. I snapped my fingers in an effort to wake him from his sexual haze. If I wasn’t pinned under him…he made it his life’s mission to remedy that.
