by Gina Whitney
Gia accepted her hand. “Nice to meet you, and thank you.”
Jill gathered the baby and placed her into Gia’s cradled arms. Tears of joy rolled down her face, and I knelt down to comfort her. “I’m okay…promise.” Her body quaked. “It’s just that…she’s so beautiful and tiny. I’m scared I won’t be good at this.” Gia looked up at the nurse. “Am I doing this right? I’ve never held a baby before…”
“You’re doing perfect. You see how natural it is? How right it feels?”
Gia nodded. “It does.”
I was surprised by my reaction. My own tears bubbled to the surface, despite trying to suppress them. I’m generally not very emotional. But I recognized the feeling that overcame me. It was the same wave of contentment and relief that hit me when I held her for the first time. However, from the start of this pregnancy, my heart swelled with so much love I thought it would burst.
Jill opened the bottom of the incubator, removing a pre-made bottle and nipple. Would you like to feed her?” She held up the bottle. “Or try to breast feed?”
“I’d like to try to breast feed, but we want to supplement, too,” she replied, and the nurse agreed both were good. I stepped back, giving Jill and Gia room. Gia opened her gown and tore the Velcro panel open. Bella immediately latched on when Gia placed her nipple along the seam of Bella’s mouth.
“Wow, it doesn’t feel very pleasant—hurts,” she spit out, wincing from the pain.
Jill’s response was swift. “Completely normal. Your body’s still recovering, and your milk’s just coming in and that’s painful. But eventually, your nipples will toughen up.”
I smirked, thinking of a few ways I could help toughen her nipple…clamps.
Gia looked up from the baby and rolled her eyes. “You’re such a caveman. I know exactly what you’re thinking…you know that, right?”
I shrugged and laughed. Jill blushed and refocused the attention back to my daughter. I learned how to change Bella while Gia looked on from the chair. Still unable to walk…she took her instruction from the sidelines. Jill explained to Gia that it was prudent to switch nipples with every feeding, and we found the pacifier to be a game-changer. I was going to get a few thousand of those. At times, Bella fussed, and it was either because she was hungry, wet, or tired. That pacifier saved our ears and sanity. Jill brought Gia some lunch. Bella stayed with us and slept. And the first of many deliveries of flowers started to roll in.
Beauty’s face lit up into a wide smile. There were three vases of roses. White, red, and yellow. I handed beauty the first card to read. “What does it say, my love?”
“I, Abel Gunner, choose you, Gia Mastro, to be my wedded wife,” she recited, and then I handed her the next card from the second arrangement. “I promise to love you, comfort you, be true to you, and dominate you all the days of my life.” She grinned and the first tears began to fall. I walked over to the third vase and handed her that card. “I gave you that ring as a solemn vow to you. Now, with this ring, I thee wed.”
I held out my hand. Two rings rested side by side. One, a diamond eternity band, and the other, a thick, plain platinum band. She covered her eyes, sobbing. Her tears leaked between her fingers and down her arms.
I knelt down in front of her, prying her swollen, bruised hands from her eyes. She looked up and into my eyes. “Do you have any idea how much I love you…I love you so much…I hate you.”
I smiled, because I totally understood. “I love you, too, but you once told me that for every man there is a woman who could bring him to his knees. I never believed that—ever. I always valued my privacy—my space. But, without you here, I’m haunted. It isn’t the darkness in me that scares me anymore. It’s the emptiness I’d feel without you.” I cupped her beautiful face, asking for the words I needed. “Now give me the words that will give us our happy ending.”
Fuck, I even sounded gay to me. Chance and his constant blabbering about happily-ever-afters got me thinking. This wasn’t something a rocker would say or do. Then again, I wasn’t your average rocker. However, this experience has left a permanent gash in my soul, and she was the bandage I needed to heal.
“Yes, I will marry you,” she answered.
My heart burst with joy, and a sense of peace and balance was returned to me.
“Thank you, Beauty.” I leaned forward, careful not to hurt her, and brushed my lips against hers. Then, buried my head in her lap. The emotional weight of the past two days finally hit me. I needed a minute to chill, and breathe her in. My daughter slept soundly in her incubator. I sought comfort in her warmth, touch, and her irrevocable love.
After a few minutes, the comfortable silence was disturbed by a cacophony of heavy boots and wallet chains. The boys. I got to my feet and yanked the door open, stepping out into the hallway. “Ssshh.” I held my finger to my lips. “Sounds like a fucking stampede coming down the hallway.”
The boys smiled, and Cindy’s mouth fell open. “Don’t even tell me you’re going to be one of those dads,” she said, using her fingers to quote her words.
“My daughter’s sleeping.” The words fell out of my mouth in warning. I appreciated the company, but the last thing I wanted was a cranky Bella and pissed off Gia.
“Aye, let’s give him a dose,” Woody addressed the group.
“Seriously, how is she?” Cindy asked, grabbing hold of my arm.
“Want to go in and visit with her and Bella? I’m going to talk to the guys for a few minutes. Let her know I’ll be right in.”
She nodded and walked into the room with a handful of gifts for Gia and the baby. I motioned the guys to follow me into the lounge two doors over. I took a seat and they pulled up a few chairs, forming a semi-circle. Jake spoke first. “How is she, and how are you?”
“I don’t know about mentally, but physically, she’ll heal. It’s been a rough forty-eight hours.” I blew out a long breath, trying to dispel some of my own anxiety. I felt burned out. My clothes added to the weight of a crumbling building.
“No doubt. Fucking crazy day yesterday. Totally fucked up, but she’s a strong girl. You know that. Plus, she has support…you…us. We’ll deal with it like we do everything else…like a family. What can we do for you? What do you need?” Ender’s eyes held back so many emotions. God, I was holding back with everything I had…trying to be the strength and rock she needed.
“Fuck yeah…family. We rally in bad times and rock the good. Anything you guys need and we’re there, bro. Now let’s go meet our niece,” Jake said, leaning forward. “It’s given us all something to think about. Fucking life…you just never know and shit. Some scary fucking shit yesterday.” He shook his head to himself. He had no fucking clue. None of them did.
I hung my head, not wanting to meet their eyes, even though they’d never judge. “I’d give anything to get high right now.” There…I said it, but it was like all the air was sucked out of the room. “I won’t. But I want to—bad.”
Woody remained silent, but there was sympathy in his eyes. He knew how I struggled. He was the one I spoke to on tough days. Today is a tough fucking day.
“Not good, bro,” Ender said immediately.
“What can we do?” Jake exhaled, running his finger over his hair.
“Just be here for me.” I uttered the words, and then the rest of the Temple of Abel Gunner crumpled. A day’s worth of confusion, pain, anger, and fear—a turbine of emotions. Hot tears rolled down my face, and I tried to swallow past the knot in my throat. “She’s just…everything to me, and I almost lost her.” It felt like someone sat on my chest and I rubbed the ache. “Fuck, I’m a mess.” The darkness was there…always there. My demons rose to the surface, pushing…taking…pushing…taking.
Woody, at my side, squeezed my shoulder. “Let it out, mate. Keepin’ shite bottled up…it’s no good for anyone.”
Ender offered me a bottled water and a solid clap on the back. “Thanks man.” I guzzled half the bottle, and little by little, the knot began to loose
n.
“You have many blessings to be thankful for, man. You have a daughter, and Gia did survive. Don’t go fucking things up. The regret will eat you alive.” Jake’s voice came out edged with concern. He had a right to be concerned. They all did. Fuck, I was concerned.
My head was really fucked up, and I needed to fight harder for some kind of control. I needed Beauty. We both fought our demons. But she was the steady low light. She spread calm light through me. For them, I would try. I dried my eyes with my sleeve and stood. “You’re right. Let’s go meet my daughter.”
When we returned to the room, Gia was back in bed, and that made me happy. She needed rest. Cindy sat in the chair by the window with Bella, rocking her back and forth. Jake, Ender, and Woody followed me in. I went over to pull the blinds closed—the midday sun too bright for Bella’s eyes.
Woody squatted next to Cindy and cooed. “Wee lil’ Bella.” We all laughed. Woody’s normally harsh words were soft and loving. It looked like Bella was staring at his colored hair.
Jake and Ender were at Gia’s bedside. “Fuck, kiddo. You scared the fuck out of us, but we’re thankful you’re fine and we have a niece.” Jake’s voice broke as his thumb caressed her hand.
“Agreed, but how do you feel? Is there anything we can do?” Ender asked, searching for a way to help.
She smiled, but I could see the emotion on her face. She was trying to be brave. For our daughter, and for me. The weaker she thought she was…the harder she fought. But all I wanted to do was take her home and away from this place. This place was a constant, painful reminder, and I was desperate to put it behind me. “I appreciate that guys, and I’ll heal. I’m just thankful for our little girl over there, and her broody father with the long face over there.” She pointed and smiled at me. This time, the smile reached her eyes. Because she knew. We’ve been together long enough that she knew how my twisted mind would fuck with me. However, this was also bigger than her and me. I had to remember that. This incident touched us all because we are family.
“I’m not brooding. Just tired.” I smiled, her eyes focused on my clenched hands then returned to meet my eyes.
She patted the bed to come sit next to her. “Come relax next to me. You look exhausted.”
I went to her side, hopping up on the bed. I wanted to tell everyone to leave. But I didn’t. I wanted to be alone with her. However selfish it sounded, it was something I needed. Jake was the second to hold the baby, while Ender looked on. The anxiety crept along my skin. I didn’t want so many people holding my daughter. She was too new, and they were filthy fucks. I didn’t think anything was more important than protecting those that were mine. That old demon niggled the back of my mind, and my hands continued to fist.
Gia weaved her fingers between mine. “I will ask them to leave. You and I need time. There is no shame in that,” she whispered and I nodded. She was right of course. “Hey, guys…I have to feed the baby. You can come back whenever you’d like.”
“Aye,” Woody’s eyes met mine, and there was understanding—compassion. Ender leaned in to kiss Bella’s head before Jake handed her to Gia. They said their goodbyes, promising to return tomorrow. Gia shot Chance a text next. I knew he’d take it personally but I couldn’t worry about him.
I pressed the remote, lowering the bed, and Gia put the baby between us. “So? Am I supposed to ignore the elephant in the room?”
I smirked. “I don’t see an elephant.”
“Don’t you fucking to that. Don’t you shut me out. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on with you.” A light scowl appeared on her face—the very face I’d been hiding from.
“I don’t know. I’m feeling everything, and you know I’m used to numbing. I’m trying here, Beauty, but you’ve always known my demons.”
“Call your sponsor. You know what you have to do. Get ahead of this. Don’t let this ruin all the work you’ve put into your sobriety. You were in such a good place. I don’t know if I could survive another one of your binges. If you can’t do it for yourself…think of her.” She turned her attention to Bella, who slept soundly on her side.
The joy of life has managed to break down everything I’d built up. I want the decay to wash away. But the pain won’t dissipate, will not fade, but only restricts. All this shit spun around my body, throbbing and threatening to pull me under.
I nodded. Yes, that was the most obvious choice, but I needed more than my sponsor. The sound of a throat being cleared pulled me out of my thoughts. My father. His knowing eyes locked on mine. He smiled, holding up a bouquet of flowers. My mother showed her face from behind him. “Is this a good time?” he asked, walking over. His hand held my mothers as they approached.
I got off the bed to welcome him, but Gia responded before I could. “Thank you, God. At least someone’s listening to my prayers.”
“Well, that’s the first time anyone’s ever called me God. What’s going on?” My dad walked over and kissed Gia. Then lifted Bella right off the bed, wrapping her in his arms while my mother watched and waited her turn eagerly.
Gia grinned, and I knew what she was thinking. We were a lot alike. Bella was in tune with his natural command. It calmed her, and she finally took a breath. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me, because it did. However, he was stronger than me in every way that mattered. I used to hate him for it.
He walked straight over to me with my daughter, and Mom went to fawn over Gia. “What’s going on with you?”
I was going to lie and say nothing. Be obstinate, but the healthier side of me decided against it. Because, at the end of the day, I didn’t want to feel this way. I needed my best advisor. I needed my father. My whole life, he was the one I could turn to when I needed a dose of good judgment and tough love. His had a unique insight and I valued his opinion, even though I acted like I didn’t and caused embarrassment to him. Incapable of sugarcoating anything or mincing words, his clear, passionate, commanding voice was always ready to give me a nudge when I needed one. Like right now.
“I’m going through something.” I shrugged, looking down at my daughter.
He nodded, and handed the baby to my mother’s waiting arms. “Let’s go grab lunch.”
Gia’s face seemed hopeful. “We’ll be fine. Please, go.” She nodded. She wasn’t asking, but urging.
“Okay.” I walked over and kissed her lips as my father pulled the chair next to Gia’s bed for my mother to sit.
My mother’s shrill voice echoed off the walls. “I love you, Abel.” I heard her words but didn’t acknowledge them. Instead, I followed my father out of the room. She tried, time and time again. However, I didn’t have enough forgiveness in the world to let a relationship between us blossom. I still had a hard time over her past…and what she did to Chance. In turn—how Chance handled it. I knew it was out of her control, yet she was the match the started the fire that almost burnt my life down.
“Any ideas where we could have a quiet meal and talk?” he asked as the elevator doors closed.
“Other than the cafeteria—no. Once we leave the building, we’re fair game to the press,” I bit out. “Fucking media,” I added with a snarl.
“It’s the business. Thought you’d be used to it by now,” he said, arching his brow.
“I heard the first picture of Bella has a price tag of half a mill. Everyone wants to cash in on that. And it’s not that I fault them for wanting to put food on their table, but they have no sense of social grace. They appear out of thin air and wait for me. It gets on my nerves because it’s not just me…it’s my daughter.” I felt exhausted after that, the anger wearing me down.
We moved quickly through the lobby and into an adjacent stairwell. I followed, not saying a word. My father is the type of guy you don’t question. He had a plan, and I could use the distraction. The basement. It was dark and the lighting poor. I kept pace as we rounded the final floor in silence, our feet on the floor the only sound around us. He opened the door and I stepped through int
o a dim hallway. Then the door slammed behind us and echoed loud. We moved quicker this time. His strides long and sure. We passed phlebotomy labs, x-ray rooms, storage closets, until we got to the end of a darkened hall. A faint light was just visible along the corridor. He held his hand, guiding it back and forth, and the light came on. Morgue. My inhale clogged my throat and the bitterness followed…I swallowed. We moved down two steps in silence, then stopped with his hand clutching the rail. He stood stoically still, as if listening out for something. There wasn’t a sound to be heard. What in the fuck.
Two knocks sounded and my dad smiled, pushing open the door. The bright sun flowed in, causing me to squint. Fuck, I’ve been in this place for too long. In quick succession, we stepped out and jumped into the limo—I found it to be stocked with a full bar. My eyes fell upon my second love—scotch.
“Where to, James Bond?” I laughed for the first time in a few days.
He smiled, clearly enjoying the fact that he surprised me. “I have a few friends in a few places. I don’t know why you’re surprised that I know my way around.”
“Yeah, just a bit surprised you know your way around the basement of a hospital.”
We drove for a few minutes, sitting in comfortable silence. I checked my phone. Nothing from Gia, and only a text from Dave.
Dave: Giselle reached out. Rolling Stone wants to do an interview, and they’re willing to come to you. Thoughts…
I didn’t answer and put my phone away. Giselle, Ender’s sister, was a free-lance music journalist. I suspected her visit to LA wasn’t by accident. Ender was instrumental in getting her set up in the industry. My father helped with any legalities that came up. She double majored in college and held degrees in both English and journalism. She worked her ass off, and her family was proud. However, I had my own suspicions as to why she chose the music industry. I smelled trouble and felt a hollow feeling beneath my ribs. I hoped it was just the emotional witch’s brew talking, and not an omen of something to come. Because, if I were right, the future of Lethal Abel would be on the line. Yoko Ono.
