Hannah crossed her arms over her chest. She was suddenly on the defensive which was exactly what she didn’t want to be. “And why not? Nate left. Why can’t I?” She waved her hand in the air, then retucked it in the crook of her elbow.
Zander leaned closer, his calm unflappable. “So, you’re crying because...” The unfinished statement hung there, waiting for completion. The intensity of his gaze was felt more than seen, especially in the dark.
Hannah sighed. She would have to say it out loud and make it real. “Because I applied to a culinary school in Seattle and they rejected me. My dream is gone. Like that.” She snapped her fingers and dropped her gaze.
“That doesn’t sound like much of a dream.” Zander’s tone turned flippant and he leaned back, crossing his arms.
Hannah jerked her gaze up. “It might not be your dream, but it’s mine.” How dare he judge her and what she wanted?
He shrugged. “Is it really your dream? If you can give it up, like that,” He snapped his fingers in imitation. “How much does it really mean to you?” The challenge in his tone bit at the silence of the garden.
Hannah shook her head. “You don’t understand. I can’t get in.” He obviously had never been rejected before or didn’t understand what it meant. She might have to speak slower and be more clear next time. Not that there would be a next time.
“Ah. I see. This school is the only one in the world. Yeah, that would be tough.” He nodded, the shadow moving across his face.
Confused, Hannah blinked and shook her head. “No, I’m not saying that.” What was he getting at? Why wasn’t he listening to her?
He lifted his hand, resting his finger on his chin. “Okay, is it that once you apply, that’s it? You can’t apply for school with them ever again?” The increased shadows under his hat irritated her more and she jiggled her leg to expel some of her frustration.
“Ummm.” What was he getting at? Hannah pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes.
Zander moved closer, scooting until his knees almost touched hers. “The thing is, Hannah, if you really want something, you have to go get it or it won’t be worth it to lose.” All taunting left his tone, leaving behind a soft thrill as he spoke.
Hannah was lost in the moment. His nearness and the empowering words that he all but whispered enraptured her. She could feel his body heat from his knees where her hands rested on her legs. She didn’t think too hard. He had to be interested, right? She leaned forward, pressing her lips to his, fast and furious.
But she was painfully inexperienced and she was off-center, kissing him but not.
After a short second of kissing her back, Zander pushed her softly away from him. “Now, wait a minute.” A dash of disappointment colored his words.
Heat flooded Hannah’s face. She didn’t care if he could see her blushing or not. “Um, but... I thought... I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t apologize.” Zander reached across the short space between them and rested his hand on hers. “Honey, you just met me. This isn’t you.”
He’d called her honey and said it wasn’t her all in the same breath. Hannah jerked upright and yanked her fingers free from his. “You don’t know anything about me.” His gall was unmitigated.
Zander held up a hand in the dark. “Exactly. I don’t. So why are you kissing me? When the time is right for us, we’ll kiss. But not until we’re ready.”
The confidence that they would kiss again astounded Hannah and she blinked rapidly and her lips parted in disbelief. “No. We won’t kiss again. That was a mistake, I won’t make again.” Hannah kicked the stool back as she stood and returned to the house in a huff. She refused to look back, but she didn’t need to to feel his eyes following her exit.
Chapter 8
Zander
What game was Hannah playing? Did she throw her tempting little self at most of the men that showed even the slightest interest in her? She probably had every man there wrapped around her delicate fingers.
Jealousy was a hard feeling to shake when he experienced the warmth of her sweet, closed-mouth kiss.
Her boldness and then innocence mixed together for a heady combination. Finding her in tears had worried him until she’d spilled her secrets. Zander didn’t like the thought of her leaving.
There had been a lot of bombshells dropped that evening.
Her dreams didn’t match the type of girl Nathan had claimed his youngest sister to be. In fact, a lot of what Nathan had said was skewed. Zander had expected some things to be different, but not the most important. Not the woman he wanted to fall for.
Not that he wasn’t in danger of losing his heart. He’d already made up his mind to love her, but he’d been expecting a timid, shy woman and he’d had to convince himself that that was the type of woman he needed. Instead of a lost sister looking to find a husband, he’d found a woman determined to break free from the restraints of a role she didn’t want to play anymore.
The bold dreamer Hannah was turning out to be might gain the upper hand in taking Zander’s heart from him before he was ready.
But first Zander had to get over his disillusionment. She wanted different things than he did. She wanted to leave her family behind like Nathan had. She wanted more than small town life.
Zander enjoyed the small town he lived in. He liked living on his ranch and seeing only a handful of people any given day.
But Hannah... she wanted out. She wanted more.
Did he blame her?
The next few days passed in a blur of hard work and distraction. While he kept to himself and followed the directions Drake gave the crew, Zander made an effort to stay away from the house.
That didn’t save him from Hannah’s presence in the bunkhouse to cook meals. Avoiding the kitchen was hard when he walked by the door or the windows and saw her bent head through the glass. Or when she laughed at something Stefanie was saying while putting together one of the many delicious meals she made.
He could see why she dreamt of being a chef. Her skill surpassed many of the restaurants he’d been to.
The return of the ranch’s cook made it easier to avoid Hannah and Zander breathed easier knowing she wouldn’t be in the bunkhouse.
Zander wasn’t sure what to do. Maybe he hadn’t picked the right girl or the right family.
If that was true, then why did the thought of abandoning his own dream hurt so dang much?
Chapter 9
Hannah
Hannah couldn’t shake the feeling of being rebuffed and embarrassed after throwing herself at him and kissing him. Her skin crawled at her the pitiful action she’d taken.
Of course, Zander had been right.
That wasn’t her. She was shy when it came to men, but she couldn’t help it. He was the first person to have a real conversation with her and not treat her with kid gloves. He’d made valid points without lecturing to her. He’d just redirected her thought process so she could think about what exactly it was she wanted and if she wanted it badly enough.
She could like him – no, wait. She wasn’t interested in anything like that. Plus, to be honest, he hadn’t been interested in kissing her. Hannah didn’t need it spelled out any clearer than that. As far as Zander was concerned, he was a means to an end. The end was getting information on Nate.
That’s all Zander could be to her. It didn’t matter how green his eyes were or how the clenching of his jaw was distracting even in the dark shadows of the night. In fact, the darkness had helped Hannah save some of her dignity. She wasn’t sure how “fine” she’d be if she’d been able to see pity or disappointment in his expression. Hearing it was one thing, seeing it would be devastating.
She slept on what he’d said and on his rejection. Or rather, she tried to sleep on it, but she didn’t get much rest, if any. Tossing and turning all night with their conversation replaying over and over in her mind kept her from really being able to rest.
The next morning dawned early and sooner than Hannah was ready for. Could she
be honest enough with herself to do what Zander had said? If going to culinary school was really her dream, she would have to.
She waited until Stefanie left the house, sometime after breakfast. Once the house was empty, she grabbed her wrinkled rejection letter and sat at the table with the house phone. Dialing the admissions office, she waited for the ringing to be answered. A knot tightened in her stomach.
“Seattle Institute of Culinary Learning.” The woman already sounded bored and they hadn’t even had a chance to talk.
“Um, hello, this is Hannah Rourke. I applied for admissions and I just got a rejection letter. Can I ask why so I can do better on the next application?” Hannah chewed on her bottom lip, afraid they would say she just wasn’t good enough. Obviously, that was implied with the rejection letter. She clenched her hand on the phone, longing to hang up the call before she subjected herself to more punishment. But her determination to chase down her dream held the phone to her ear.
“Hello, Hannah. I just pulled your file and it looks like you were placed on our waiting list, but you’re kind of far down there. We had quite a few applicants and we just based most of them on a first-come-first-serve basis with regards to acceptance after they got through the screening process. It wasn’t anything you did wrong with your application. In fact, we would love for you to apply next year.” The woman’s voice was pleasant and sincere, alleviating a lot of Hannah’s concern.
The timing was off. That was all.
Hannah ended the call and then stared at the rejection paper. Zander had asked if they were the only school out there. They weren’t. They couldn’t be. She’d just chosen them because she saw an ad featuring them in a food magazine.
She didn’t want to wait another year. She didn’t want to wait another second.
Grabbing the laptop, she searched on a national level for other culinary schools. If she was willing to move to Seattle for school, anywhere was possible really.
The national list that came up placed the next one closest to her in North Dakota, close to the eastern Montana border. Eastern Montana. Where the rumors over the years had placed Nate. She’d never understood why he would make his way to the plains. He was a mountain man, a cowboy who could travel the trails and ride among the trees – rain, snow, or shine. He would be bored where the grasses stretched further than the skies.
Unless he was trying to escape everything green and good in the world because of what it reminded him of.
But this school was located near there in Mersdin – so close to the border, they probably had some residents of the town actually living in Montana.
Was that school’s location a sign? She had given up on Nate almost a year ago. He’d been as good as dead to her, except even worse than death, it was like a bad divorce – she couldn’t mourn her brother because she wasn’t sure he was dead, she wasn’t sure where he was. She had to force herself to stop thinking about him and that was harder than if she watched him go into the ground. Her grief over Emma had faded, she missed her sister-in-law, but she knew where she was. Hannah knew what had happened and that Emma wasn’t out there wandering in pain.
No, that was Nate.
Giving up on her brother had been the hardest thing she probably would ever have to do. And she didn’t want to go through that again. But what if she didn’t have to? What if she could find him again and at least ask him what she needed to ask? If she could get closure of some kind, she’d be able to put the never-ending search at least to rest.
Zander’s appearance on the ranch and the new location of school seemed to be pushing her toward her brother. Was it safe to hope? Hoping meant more than just waiting for answers. Hoping meant, she might see him again.
What if she found him in eastern Montana? What would she do? She wouldn’t need him to move back to Bella Acres. If she got into the school, they’d be by each other. She wouldn’t have to be alone. He wouldn’t have to be alone. Hannah was confident she was different enough that her presence wouldn’t have to be a painful reminder of what he’d lost and left behind.
A large part of her hoped, he was wishing and praying to see family again, too. What would Nate do, if he saw her again?
Small burgeoning hope blossomed in her chest and she wondered what Zander would say about her progress that morning. She would be cooking dinner for the men – a pancake and sausage breakfast was easy enough Stefanie had said she would take care of it – and Hannah couldn’t wait to get Zander to the side and ask him his opinion. She also needed to apologize for her behavior.
Kissing him had been untoward of her and she didn’t want to give him the wrong impression.
But seeking him out at dinner time was next to impossible. He came in and got a plate and she had to look away to reposition a ribeye on the grill. When she looked back to see where he’d sat, she couldn’t find him. He’d disappeared – plate and all.
He hadn’t even smiled at her when he’d seen her.
She hadn’t thought she’d done anything that bad. Maybe Zander didn’t know what a mistake was or maybe Hannah didn’t know how to let things go.
Chapter 10
Zander
The afternoon heat wouldn’t dissipate until evening fell which wasn’t more than a couple hours away but felt like a week. Zander wiped at his brow with his forearm, twisting and untwisting the wire he’d been working with all afternoon. The wire was almost as annoying as the sounds coming from the front of the property.
Laughter and car doors slamming filled the afternoon air, drawing Drake from the work in the barn early.
Glancing up at the sound of a very large diesel engine, Zander and two of the other hands – he hadn’t bothered learning their names – hung up the ropes and wire they worked with on a hook in the back of the supply shed.
Pulling off his gloves, Zander followed the men to the front. Curiosity finally got the best of him.
Zander had gone out of his way to stay toward the back of the barn and bunkhouse or out on the property for the last few days. Avoiding Hannah had become some kind of game and he wasn’t sure why he was doing it. Maybe because he was embarrassed he’d turned her down. Or maybe because he’d been stupid and turned her down. Or maybe... and most likely the truth, he didn’t have any information about Nathan that would be okay to share. No matter what he did, he’d end up giving away his secrets before he was ready. He couldn’t have her find out who he really was until she’d fallen for him.
She’d never love him, if she thought he was a liar. The scariest part he wasn’t ready to address was the fact that she might stop loving him once she found he’d lied.
Cookie had returned and his sunny disposition and tendency to love making anything Mexican made Zander wish he could offer him a year’s worth of bonuses to get him to cook at the Silver Spoons.
The two men left through the front of the barn but Zander hung back. He didn’t even want to peek outside to see what was going on. He’d never been so insecure in his life and there he was, nervous he would run into Hannah and even more worried he would miss out on time with her.
Cookie stopped beside Zander, clapping his hand on Zander’s shoulder and grinning. “We’ve been invited to eat with the family. This is rare, so go get cleaned up, amigo. I’m going to go help them set up and see if Miss Hannah needs my help with any of the food. She’s been cooking all afternoon.”
Cookie, who Zander had learned was actually Juan but preferred to be called Cookie because his own dad was a camp Cookie, patted Zander on his back and passed him. The man’s thick black hair had been braided neatly and fell down his back under a bright orange bandana tied around his head, do-rag style.
Zander genuinely liked the man. He stared after him. How much would it take to convince Cookie to follow him back? How attached to their chef was Drake and Stefanie and would they be bitter about losing him and Hannah? Or would they look at it as gaining a brother and cousin?
Zander wanted them to like him. He’d never wanted anything so bad. Ta
king their ranch chef probably wasn’t the best way to gain their esteem.
Zander finished hanging the rope and washed his hands at the barn sink. He brushed down his clothes and dusted off his hat. He was probably a mess but judging from the ringing bell coming from the house, he didn’t have time to shower and dress to impress.
He had a lot of explaining to do to Hannah for staying away from her for the last few days.
If she’d even noticed.
Well, whether she had noticed or not, Zander had and an anxious ache started in his stomach that he was going to get to see her. Long strides carried Zander to the front of the barn, toward the house. Set up around the side, close to the garden, a collection of picnic tables had been gathered. White linen cloths waved softly in the breeze around the legs of the tables like skirts.
Lights strung along the poles of the garden lit up the afternoon which was fading to the encroaching evening. In the gradual dimming, warm glowing light spilled from the house windows and the laughter and voices sent a shiver over Zander.
People, older than in the picture Zander had taken from Nathan but still recognizable, spotted the lawn in clusters with others, mingling amongst the tables and along the sides of the yard. Dressed casually even down to jeans and t-shirts, they could’ve stepped from the photos Nathan had shown Zander over the last few months. Smiling and talking, the Montana Trails added more dynamics to their existence in Zander’s imagination. They became four-dimensional with their actual presence.
His chest clenched. A family. His parents had been gone a couple years and he’d always been a single child. Loneliness had spurred the trip to find something else. Living on the ranch with Tommy and all the men who worked for him had helped stave off the depression loneliness could bring on, but he didn’t want to rely on his employees for companionship. They couldn’t be comfortable with him.
Zander wanted to be in a family. Not just any sized family – a big family. He wanted to belong and laugh and look forward to family gatherings and Christmas letters. Finding out about who was doing what and seeing the growth in each other were things he’d always dreamt about.
Lost Trails Page 5
