by Lisa Suzanne
I picked up the paperwork sitting on the desk and started reading the facts about the Vicodin that had been prescribed to Reed.
I glanced through the drug facts and then arrived at the section titled “Side Effects.”
Side Effects.
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, drowsiness.
I couldn’t help but think that this whole situation was one giant side effect of being with me. The worst side effects of all weren’t even mentioned on the label.
Side Effects of dating Quinn Carpenter: May cause emotional pain, increased heart rate, and anxiety. Increased exposure to a blunt and sometimes vulgar woman. Sensitivity to poor choices.
Oh, and apparently getting your ass kicked.
Except consulting a doctor wasn’t going to do much for fixing any of those issues.
I was wearing a thin tank top that I’d slept in, and I pulled on the Green Bay Packers t-shirt that was draped over the chair.
It smelled like Reed.
It felt like one of those perfectly worn t-shirts, soft and comfortable.
It was big on me, yet it was a perfect fit. It reminded me of the man who I had somehow fallen in love with. It reminded me that he loved me, too, and it reminded me above all else that I had a decision to make.
I sighed in frustration as the thought crept back into my mind.
I had to think, and I couldn’t do it while I stared at him. He clouded my thoughts. He made me feel things that I had never felt.
He made my chest hurt like I was having a heart attack.
He made me imagine a future like my best friend Veronica had. A perfect husband who loved everything about me. A baby born from the love we shared. A house that signified all the little things that made us who we were as a couple.
I glanced at the clock. It was still early, just a little after six, and I didn’t want to wake anybody. So I crept quietly around the room, pulling on my sneakers, and then I grabbed my earbuds and my phone and headed out the front door.
Ironically, “My Fault” by Imagine Dragons blared through my earbuds when I hit the play button as I stepped out into the cool morning. I remembered seeing the signed Imagine Dragons CD on Reed’s dresser the day before.
I shivered in Reed’s t-shirt paired with my thin yoga pants, listening to the song and wondering how responsible I was for everything that had happened.
Maybe it was a snap decision, but as I walked away from Grant’s house with Reed inside of it, my decision became crystal clear to me. I was confident that it was the right choice. It was my turn to sacrifice the thing most precious to me because I needed to protect Reed. This was no longer about protecting myself from all the risks that come with love.
That revelation was what showed me how in love with Reed I actually was. I knew I’d fallen for him the moment I saw him lying there helpless and unconscious on the sidewalk, but I never realized the actual lengths I’d go to for that love. I had always been a generally selfish person, acting in ways that protected myself first.
This marked the first time that I would ever be putting someone else’s best interests above my own.
Even when I’d been with Griffin, I still made decisions based on what was best for me. Admittedly, many times the decision I made to please Griffin was made purely for my own safety. He had scared me.
But Reed wasn’t Griffin… not by a long shot. Reed was gentle and loving and caring and funny and perfect.
Griffin hadn’t been any of those things.
Reed’s current condition was solely my fault, and I deserved a punishment for that. I deserved to suffer for what he was going through because of me.
Maybe I was being hard on myself, but I didn’t think so.
All I could think of over and over was that Reed deserved better than me.
I had hurt him first with my words and then with my actions. I didn’t want him to hurt anymore because of me.
And not only was I trying to protect Reed, but in the long run, I’d be protecting myself, too. Relationships had always equaled risk and pain in my life. Maybe I was taking the easy way out by saying that I was putting Reed first, but it felt like I was doing the right thing.
I formulated a plan in my mind. I’d nurse him back to health, because it was the least I could do.
I would enjoy our time together and cherish it, because once he healed, I’d let him go.
I loved him more and more with every passing second, and I wasn’t sure how I would be able to let him go even though I knew that it was best for him.
But I’d find a way. I’d do it because extracting myself from his life was the way I’d make this up to him. While I could never tell him that while I helped him heal, it made me feel a little better to know that I had a plan that would make things right.
Eventually.
My biggest apology to him would come once he was healed.
I loved him enough to let him be happy, and I knew that he’d be happiest without me.
I walked and walked, going nowhere in particular as “My Fault” played on repeat both in my earbuds and in my mind, knowing the answer to the question that Imagine Dragons was asking: Yes. It was my fault.
So I’d atone for it in the only way that I could think of.
Tears streamed down my face. I was glad it was early and no one was out, because I was a mess. I sobbed into the quiet morning, knowing that this was the only solution. It would protect the man I loved in the only way I knew how to protect him.
I headed back once I was able to control my crying and found Grant in the kitchen.
“What are you doing up so early?”
“Couldn’t sleep.” He sounded grumpy.
“How come?”
He nodded toward his bedroom. “Crazy girl in there.”
“Nice.”
“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to stay here.”
I chuckled. Good old Grumpy Grant.
“How’s Reed?”
“Same. He woke up in a lot of pain, so I gave him painkillers to knock him back out and then went for a walk.”
“You okay?” he asked, glancing up at me with a look of concern.
I shrugged noncommittally, ignoring him. If I spoke, the tears would start. The dam had burst. The seal had been broken. Any way you wanted to stack it, I was barely holding it together.
“Fine,” I said, sticking my head in the pantry simply to avoid his gaze. I wasn’t hungry, but I was desperate for coffee.
I smelled the brew from the moment I’d walked into the house, and it smelled like perfection.
“I could use some of that coffee.”
“Help yourself. I’m going to go check on Vickie.”
“Vickie? What happened to McSlut?”
“McKinsey?”
“Yeah.”
He shrugged.
“You’re such a man whore.”
“Okay, little sis.”
“You know Reed’s parents are coming today?”
He nodded. “You nervous?”
“Shut up.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
“You should.”
“Don’t be nervous. If they’re anything like Reed, they’ll be normal.”
He was right, but it didn’t stop my nerves.
I headed toward Reed’s room with my cup of coffee.
I gazed at his sleeping form, my heart breaking in my chest as I thought about the decision I’d just made.
He was so handsome lying there, even with the bruises and the cuts and the stitches and the bandages. He was sexy and smart and fun and funny and I had to let him go.
It was still early, and I didn’t want to bother him. Sleep seemed to be the only time he wasn’t in a horrible amount of pain. Unfortunately, nothing could be done for broken ribs, so he had to just let them heal.
I let him sleep for another hour and then went to check on him. I found Reed in bed reading. Reed reads. Something about that was adorable.
I grinned at him, plastering on a smi
le that I knew I’d have to fake until he was healed. I was having a hard time feeling the urge to smile for real when my world was falling apart. “You need a shower?”
“I don’t want to move. Ever.”
“Does it hurt today?”
“Yes.”
“Any better than yesterday?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I have already told you that you need to stop apologizing.”
“I know. But I’m not going to stop until you’re not in pain anymore.”
He chuckled.
“Are you hungry?”
He nodded.
I went to the kitchen to whip up breakfast, and then I brought him breakfast in bed. It wasn’t fancy because my bachelor man whore brother didn’t have much to make it fancy, but I managed some pancakes, bacon, and orange juice.
He ate, and I helped where I could. He needed to get used to moving his arms again, even though it was painful.
After breakfast I helped him with a shower. Despite the fact that I was helping him because he was in pain, I didn’t mind running the soap all over every inch of his beautiful body one little bit.
The problem came when I got to his back.
It was the first time I’d seen him without a shirt on since the attack, and there was a long, jagged gash that was stitched up across his lower back.
“What the fuck is this?” I asked.
“What’s what?” he asked.
“This.” I pointed to the wound. “Did Tyler have a knife?”
“A pocketknife. It’s nothing.”
“Reed, you have stitches,” I said, tears filling my eyes as the guilt became unbearable. “You’ll have a scar.”
“Yeah,” he murmured. “I guess I will.”
I was glad I was washing his back so he couldn’t see me as the tears fell freely from my eyes and mixed with the warm stream of water from the shower.
I took my time, careful around his cuts as I tried to be gentle.
This was completely unacceptable. And the fact that he wasn’t going to press charges – the fact that Tyler was going to get away with this completely scot free – that was even more unacceptable.
And as I thought about the scar that would permanently tarnish his perfect body because of me, I couldn’t help but think about the scars that would permanently mark my heart when I had to let him go.
The minutes inched closer and closer to three. Even though I knew he’d said that his parents were landing at three, I was still nervous just knowing that they were in the same state. It was easy to forget that there were other people in his life when they lived all the way out in Wisconsin.
The doorbell rang a little after four. I sat with Reed on the couch while Grant went to answer the door. Then I stood and followed my brother, changing my mind from sitting next to Reed when I thought it would look friendlier to greet them at the door.
There they stood, and my heart pounded with nerves.
They were older than I’d imagined, but I remembered Reed telling me that he had two older sisters. They looked to be in their early seventies. They reminded me of adorable grandparents who baked cookies and held hands and still loved each other after being married for over forty years.
I wanted that someday.
And to be honest, I wanted that with Reed. I could see us with gray hair, still loving each other as we visited our adult children wherever they ended up.
I realized in that moment that I had no idea how much Reed had told them about me. Had he told them about why he’d gotten his ass kicked? Had he told them that we’d turned suddenly serious pretty quickly? Not knowing made me feel totally awkward.
“Grant Carpenter,” my brother greeted them as he tossed out a hand for them to shake. I was a confident, independent, and sassy girl, but in that moment, I was intimidated and nervous. Everything about Reed threw me for a loop, so it made sense that his parents would do the same thing to me.
I smiled timidly at them as I waited for Grant to shake both of their hands. “I’m Quinn,” I said, still unsure of myself and wondering now if Reed had said anything at all about me.
I saw his mom glance at his dad, a knowing look passing between the two of them.
“Mary,” his mom said, smiling warmly at me. I stuck my hand out to shake hers and was briefly transplanted back to the night Reed and I had first met at Strikers and he’d introduced himself by trying to shake my hand. She pushed my hand out of the way and pulled me in for a hug.
“It’s wonderful to meet you, Quinn.”
I stood rooted to the spot in shock.
Wow, that could have gone either way.
His dad hugged me, too. “Ray,” he said. “Thank you for taking care of Reed.”
“Where is he?” Mary asked, and I led them into the family room. “Oh my Word,” she gasped when she spotted her son on the couch. He was in pretty bad shape; his cuts were still red and his bruises were still fresh.
She knelt down beside him as he leaned forward to give his mom a hug, wincing at the movement.
It literally hurt me to see him in so much pain. It felt like a knife twisting in my gut, which only reminded me of the knife that Ty had used to carve Reed’s back. The thoughts swirling in my brain were a vicious circle of painful reminders that I had to let him go.
“How are you feeling?” his mom asked him.
“Okay. I seem to do much better when Quinn’s next to me,” he said, his eyes finding mine as I stood back shyly and let his mother fawn over her son.
She glanced over at me, her blue eyes striking me just like her son’s did. I took the hint and sat beside him on the couch, and he slowly readjusted as he laid across the couch and rested his legs over my own.
“That’s better,” his mom smiled at me.
“Much,” Reed agreed. His dad stood back quietly, and I could see attributes of Reed in both of them. His mom was nurturing and loving like he was, while his dad was a quiet observer, keenly taking in everything around him. I was immediately drawn to both of them. Spending time with his family and falling in love with them was just one more thing that I would cherish while I could before I had to let him go.
Grant brought in more chairs and everyone sat. I was under scrutiny as his parents watched Reed and me interact, but Reed was fading fast from his medicine.
I helped him to his room and then joined his parents in the family room.
“We’re going to go check into our hotel,” his mom said when I returned.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Grant said. “I have plenty of room here.”
“That’s kind of you, but we already have the reservations.” She patted my brother on the arm, and then she looked over at me thoughtfully. “Quinn, have you eaten dinner?”
I shook my head.
“We hope this isn’t too forward, but would you like to join us? Grant, you’re welcome to come, too.”
“Oh, that’s really sweet, Mrs. Porter, but I think I should stay here with Reed.”
Her face lit up and I felt like I passed some sort of test. “Are you sure?” she pressed.
I nodded. “Grant, feel free to go. I hate to miss out, but I can’t leave him.”
She walked to me and pulled me into a motherly hug. “Thank you, Quinn,” she whispered.
“No need to thank me,” I said, hugging her back.
She pulled back, and there were fresh tears glistening in her eyes. “You really love him, don’t you?” She said it like a statement, not a question.
I nodded. “So much,” I whispered.
“He loves you, too. He told me he does.”
I felt my belly turn somersaults at her statement even though she was just confirming what I already knew.
“Thank you,” I said, not knowing what else to say.
I hugged Ray, too, and then they left. Grant went with them and I finally sat down and enjoyed my first uninterrupted bowl of cereal that I had ever eaten at my brother’s house.
CHA
PTER 20
Reed’s parents only stayed for three days. The night before they flew back to Wisconsin, we ate at Grant’s place so Reed could join us, and my parents came, too. Reed’s mom volunteered to make dinner as a thank you for all my family had done to take care of him even before the attack.
I had overheard a private conversation between Reed and his dad earlier that day, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
They were in Reed’s room, and I was on my way with a fresh cup of ice water to check on him when I heard his dad say something that stopped me in my tracks.
“Are you sure you don’t want to press charges?”
“I’m sure. It’s just not worth it.”
“Why not?”
I felt a little guilty eavesdropping, but I wanted to hear what Reed had to say since he’d basically avoided the conversation with me.
“Because I love her. I don’t want to drag her into it… the courts, the trials. It’s over now.”
So he wasn’t pressing charges because of me?
“What if he comes after you again?”
“He won’t. He’s moving out of town. I showed him up in his own bar and he got the revenge he wanted.”
“And he doesn’t have any friends that are going to finish the job?”
“He didn’t want me dead, Dad. He just wanted to take out his anger.”
“Is she worth it?”
“You tell me. You’ve spent the last few days with her.”
“She’s worth it.”
“Don’t tell Mom what really happened.”
“I won’t. We’re sticking to the random attack story?”
“Yeah. I can’t take the thought of her blaming Quinn for this. It isn’t her fault.”
But it was my fault. I was tired of him pretending like it wasn’t, just like he was tired of me saying it was.
So that conversation stuck with me the rest of the day and into the night. As I sat next to Reed and across from his parents, I hated that he was lying to his mom to protect me.
He was gaining strength back every day. He was still in pain, and he would be for another few weeks. It could be up to six weeks before he was fully healed, but he was already getting a little stir crazy. It helped that his parents were there for a distraction, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to keep his spirits up and entertain him once they were back in Wisconsin. And not only would they be gone, but I had to go back to work. Reed was okay to be on his own, and I’d be worried about him all day, but my students needed me. That was the hardest part about being a teacher sometimes; there were always about 150 people who relied on me to be there and ready to teach.
