by Terra Little
“Pam,” Miles called after her as she darted through the restaurant toward the exit.
He looked out the window and saw her drive off the lot erratically, then slid back down in the booth wearily. “You really fucked that up, Miles,” he mumbled behind the hand over his mouth.
“Excuse me?”
He glanced at the hovering waiter and massaged the bridge of his nose. “I said, could I have another beer, please?”
FOURTEEN
Pam gripped the steering wheel and tried to regulate her breathing as she drove. The restaurant was only a little over ten minutes away from Paris’s house, but the minutes seemed to creep by. She could literally hear a clock ticking in her head, and she felt herself becoming more and more agitated in response.
Near the exploding point, she turned into the driveway and shut the car off. She was in such a hurry to be indoors that she left the keys in the ignition and her purse on the seat, and raced across the grass to the porch. Chad and Nikki were in the sitting room when Pam came crashing through the front door and fell against the wall.
“Purse . . . and . . . keys,” Pam wheezed as Nikki came running toward her. She pointed out the door frantically. She sounded like she was having an asthma attack, felt like her throat was closing in on itself. Invisible needles pricked at her skin, all over her body, and the ringing in her ears was getting louder and louder. Nikki bolted out the door.
“What the hell?” Chad took long strides in her direction and all but carried her down the hallway to the kitchen. There, he pulled a chair away from the table and pushed Pam into it. She felt his palm against her neck seconds before he urged her head between her knees. “Take deep breaths, Pam. That’s right baby, just like that.” He didn’t notice Nikki standing in the doorway clutching Pam’s purse and looking sick with worry.
“Bag . . . paper... bag,” Pam huffed. She sucked in air like she was drowning and lifted her head to stare at him. Her hands wouldn’t stop shaking and now her legs were trembling. Chad slammed through drawers and cabinets until he found a small paper bag filled with individual tea bags. He dumped them on the counter and brought the bag over to her. She snatched it from him, shook it out, and clamped it over her mouth.
He stood over her, looking on in silence as the bag ballooned and collapsed rhythmically. After what seemed like forever, her breathing regulated and quieted and she took the bag from her mouth. She slumped back against the chair and closed her eyes in relief. Chad knelt in front of her and placed his hands on her knees, willing her to open her eyes and look at him. Finally she did and then she leaned forward and pressed her forehead to his.
Nikki watched her father’s hands slide back and forth over Pam’s thighs in stunned silence. They stared at each other and she stared at them, feeling like she was seeing something personal and private, but she was unwilling to look away or to leave them alone. She was worried about Pam, but she was more worried about what might happen next if she didn’t do something quick.
“Aunt Pam, are you all right?” She stepped into the kitchen and stopped beside Pam’s chair.
Pam sat back and smiled reassuringly at Nikki. There were unshed tears in her eyes and she swiped them away with ice cold fingers. “I am now. Thanks for getting my purse and keys.” She took her purse and set it on the table, dropped her keys next to it, and ran her fingers through her hair. “It was just an anxiety attack. Every now and again they sneak up on me. Sorry I scared you.”
“Are they always bad like that?”
“I’ve had worse,” she told Nikki. “Usually by now I’m drenched with sweat and damn near speaking in tongues, so this one was about a five on the Richter scale.” The concerned look on Nikki’s face wasn’t going away, and she reached up and flicked a finger down her cheek softly. “I promise I’m fine.”
“Would you leave us alone for a minute, Nikki?” Chad took his eyes from Pam’s face long enough to shoot Nikki a meaningful look. He rolled to his feet and leaned a hip against the counter, waiting.
“But Dad, I—”
“Nikki,” Chad cut her off, his tone no-nonsense and brisk. “A minute, please?” He tracked Nikki’s progress as she reluctantly retreated down the hallway, then he motioned for Pam to follow him out onto the back porch. “How long have you been having anxiety attacks?” he asked the minute the back door was closed and they were alone.
“I don’t know, Chad. They just started one day, that’s all I remember.”
She was pacing around him and wouldn’t look him in the eye. He cuffed her arm and brought her up short. She stood in front of him and he used a finger to tip her face up to his. “You could never look me in the face and lie very well, you know that?”
“I’m embarrassed enough without having to talk about it.”
“Since when? We used to talk about all kinds of shit and you didn’t know the meaning of the word. Hell, sometimes I was embarrassed by some of the things that came out of your mouth, but you never were. Tell me when the attacks started, Pam.”
“I started having them before I left Mercy, but I didn’t know what was happening back then. I was fine for a while, for a long time as a matter of fact, and then Paris . . .”
“She never mentioned you having anxiety attacks.”
“She didn’t know. I never told her.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me? Particularly if you started having them before you left?”
“I didn’t want you to think I was losing my mind. I really thought I was and the last thing I wanted was for you to think I was flipping out, mentally. My reputation wasn’t the best to start with, anyway. Add in me flipping out and the old folks would’ve really had a field day. You were at school during the week so you never saw, and I didn’t want you to see.”
“That’s why you spend so much time in your room, isn’t it?”
“The attacks are part of the reason, yes.”
“What the hell happened to you, Pam?” Chad moved closer to her and held her face in his hands. He pushed his fingers into the hair at the nape of her neck and searched her eyes. “One minute we were talking about moving away together, getting married, and having kids. I proposed to you and you accepted, do you remember that? And the next thing I knew you were getting on a bus and leaving me behind.”
“You still hate me for that.”
“How can I still hate you and still love you at the same time?”
“Chad . . .”
“I mean, yeah, I tried to hate you, and for a while it worked. I couldn’t understand how you could do what you did. Still don’t. But I had Nikki, so I tried to let you go. I accepted that you didn’t want me. Is that what brought on the attacks in the first place, you feeling smothered by me, by us, and needing to get away?”
“I told you once before that you had nothing to do with me leaving. You won’t get me to change my answer because it’s still the same.”
“I must’ve played a part in it because you didn’t ask me to go with you.” He released her and went to stand at the storm door, staring out at the backyard. “And I would’ve. I would’ve packed my shit and gotten on that bus with you and Paris. I was in love with you. I would’ve gone anywhere if it meant we would be together. I could’ve gone to school anywhere. Hell, I wanted to go somewhere else, but I stayed close for you, Pam. I was waiting for you to graduate and then it was going to be whatever we wanted it to be.”
“You married Paris,” she whispered at his back. “I was in love with you and you married Paris. That hurt me.”
“Hurt?” He spun around and gaped at her, incredulous. “How do you think I felt when I found out about Nikki? I can’t even begin to describe the hurt I felt then. She was two when I discovered that we’d made a child together, and I swear to God I could’ve killed you with my bare hands. If nothing else, you could’ve given her to me but no, you gave her to Paris and there was no way in hell I was going to pretend like she wasn’t mine. I couldn’t do that, especially knowing that she was yours, too.”
Pam trudged over to a chair and dropped into it listlessly. In the encroaching darkness she leaned an elbow on the table and pressed stiff fingers to her lips. After a time, she shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut against the memories floating around in her mind. “She told me you had some classes together and that you didn’t know about Nikki. Everything was under control, she said. And then one day she calls me, telling me that you’d gone to the justice of the peace and gotten married. I didn’t speak to her for six months after that. I was frozen, in shock, I think. The day . . .” she trailed off and worked to get her throat under control. She felt like screaming. “The day you called, yelling and screaming at me, saying that you hated me, was the first time we spoke after she told me.”
“I remember that day. I snapped, completely lost it, and I needed you to know how I felt.”
“You didn’t leave any room for doubt, that’s for sure. After that, I figured you had what you wanted, so I stayed out of it as much as I could and still maintain a relationship with Nikki.”
“I wanted you and you weren’t here.”
“And I wanted you, but I couldn’t be here. Then you had Paris and I thought, well that’s it then. There’s no reason for me to ever go back to Mercy again. I had nothing here and no one.”
“You had Nikki and Paris.”
“Portable, both of them. Seeing you again wasn’t an option I gave myself.”
“Please don’t tell me it’s my fault you never came back.”
“I keep telling you, you had nothing to do with me leaving this damn town, Chad. What part of that are you not getting?”
Chad crossed the porch and hovered over her. “Why don’t you tell me about the part I’m not getting? If it wasn’t me, then what the hell was it?”
“I had . . . things . . .”
“Things,” he spat out. “You said that before. What things?”
“Things I’m too tired to get into right now. Can we drop it, please?”
“Drop it?” he shuffled back unsteadily, running his hands over his face. “You want to drop it? I’m standing here with my dick as hard as a fucking rock from just looking at you and you want to drop it? I’m sorry, baby, but I need some answers.”
“And I need you to let it go. Please.” She stood and ran her hands up his arms and over his shoulders. She pulled his face down to hers and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I loved you with everything I had, okay? I still love you, but I need you to let it go right now.” He reared back, resisting her hold, intending to step away and force the issue, but she wouldn’t release him. “Come on, Chad. Do this for me, please. Just for now, all right? Just for now. Tell me what you wanted to talk to me about. We haven’t gotten around to that yet. Tell me now.”
“I think maybe you did lose your mind way back when, Pam. You must have because you forgot that I was there for you. We could’ve dealt with whatever you were going through together and still been together in the process.”
It was Pam’s turn to resist. She tried to step back and take her hands away, but Chad slid his arms around her waist and kept her close. He took in the confused look on her face, the tears in her eyes and let out a long breath. “Okay, okay. We’ll drop it. Aw, Pam, don’t cry. Don’t do that . . .” His hands slid down to cup her butt and pull her in closer, against his erection. She moaned low in her throat and opened her mouth for his kiss.
They were still standing close and breathing hard when the doorknob turned. Chad took a quick step back from Pam and looked at Nikki over his shoulder just as she pulled the door open. She stuck her head out and zeroed in on Pam. “I just wanted to check on Aunt Pam,” she said.
“I’m fine, Nikki. Good as new.” Pam sucked her swollen bottom lip into her mouth and tasted Chad. “I appreciate you looking out for me. It helps.”
“Is the minute up, Dad?”
“No,” Chad chirped. “Could I have like, two more minutes, please?”
“I guess, but after that you have to share,” Nikki replied and closed the door.
He waited until he heard the click that told him the door was completely shut, then turned his attention back to Pam. “What are we going to do about her?”
“You think she was eavesdropping on us?” The idea was just now occurring to Pam and it scared her.
“She would’ve interrupted long before now if she was. I wasn’t talking about right now, Pam. I mean what are we going to do about her?” He pulled a chair away from the table and straddled it, draping his arms across the back and resting his chin on top of them to stare at her.
“You mean . . . ?” Pam trailed off, comprehension dawning by degrees. As his question settled in her mind, her eyes grew wide and alarmed. Her mouth opened, then closed, then finally fell open again. “Chad, I don’t know . . .”
“Paris was her mother Pam, we both know that. I just wondered if you ever intended to tell her the truth about her biological parents? About you? Us?”
“Do you?”
“Some would argue that she has a right to know.”
“What would you argue?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted, sounding conflicted. “I think if it were me I’d want to know the truth. But then again what purpose would it serve at this point?”
“Then why bring it up? Did you think I’d want to do something like that because Paris isn’t here or what?”
“It’s been known to happen.”
“You know me better than that. Telling her now would kill her and she’d probably hate my guts for the rest of her life. Maybe when she was three or four, hell, even ten, we could’ve sugar-coated the situation and explained it away, but not now. Nothing I could say to her would excuse what I did.”
“So we just go on the way we have been? Leave her with me?”
“You’re her father, Chad. Where else would I leave her?” She searched his face, trying to uncover what it was he was getting at with little success. His eyes were clear and focused, but utterly blank. She was trying to read him and he was reading her. “Are you working your way around to telling me that you don’t want her anymore?”
“I’m working my way around to telling you that I want to take Nikki with me when I leave Mercy, Pam. For good. I want to know how you feel about that.”
She said the first thing that came to her mind. “Paris will be here all alone.”
“Paris isn’t here, Pam. She’s in my heart and yours and Nikki’s, but she isn’t here. She’ll go wherever any of us goes and we could always come visit. You could too.”
A strangled sound clogged her throat. She dropped into a chair, leaned forward and laid her head on her folded arms. “Where would you go?”
“Seattle.”
Her head popped up. “With Nate.” Chad nodded slowly. “You’ve been thinking about this for a while.”
“I have. I’ve gone there a few times, and Nate and I have talked about it off and on over the years. Don’t look so put out about it. You’ve been to Seattle to visit Nate plenty of times, and at least it’s not a place you mind visiting. This could be a good thing for you and Nikki. It’s closer to California too.”
“Can you do this, though? Just pack everything up and move across the country? Can you afford this?”
“Easily. I have some IRAs and stocks that have done extremely well over the years. There’s also the savings accounts we had, though that’s mostly for Nikki’s college expenses . . .”
“Use it if you need to,” Pam said quickly. “I’ve saved for Nikki’s college since the day she was born. There’s no problem there, believe me.”
“All right,” he said carefully. “Then there’s the money from Paris’s life insurance to be factored in, some of which she left to you. We need to—”
“I don’t want it.” She jumped up from her chair and paced the length of the porch anxiously. “Put it away for Nikki, use it however you think is best, but I won’t take it.” She had a thought and glanced at him sharply. “Donate it to the children
’s home. I don’t think she’d mind that.”
“She’d like that idea a lot.”
“She would.” Pam stopped abruptly and bent over at the waist. She braced her hands on her knees and took deep breaths, stayed like that for a long time. When she straightened, tears rushed to her eyes and filled her throat. She laid her head back, studied the ceiling and let herself cry.
“She was a special person,” Chad said softly. He came up behind Pam and turned her in his arms, pressed her head into his chest as his arms slid around her waist. He dropped a kiss on the side of her face. “She was the kind of person God puts on Earth to remind the rest of us that good does exist. You remember how she would follow us around when we were up to no good, harping about you, me, and Nate growing up to be career criminals?” Pam laughed and sobbed at the same time, nodding. “And the time we smoked a joint and convinced her to smoke it with us? She threw up all over Miss Merlene’s new couch and got us run out of the house . . .”
“With a broomstick,” Pam finished and cracked up.
June 27th
Dear Diary,
I think maybe Jasper was right and I’m glad I listened to him. I never stopped to think about how the old folks would see my leaving Mercy. I figured they would be happy to have me gone, since I did my best to create as much havoc as I could back then. I had a ball doing it too. You remember, don’t you? I wasn’t trying to punish them when I left; I just needed to get away. I didn’t know they would want me to remember them.
Apparently, I did forget where I came from, though, because the old folks in Mercy are a trip and a half. How could I forget my duty as a Mercy young’un? I was supposed to acknowledge them in all my ways, right after God, and I forgot to do that. I’m sorry about that now.
I went by the funeral home today and let Jasper put me to work. He has a woman who works there part-time, but he says she doesn’t “do like I did.” I think he just wanted somebody to drink beer and talk shit with. I stayed anyway and ended up helping him organize his files. They were bad back in the day but now? Oh my God. I hope he remembers the system I set up for him. Hell, I hope he doesn’t ask me to explain it again because by the time I finished I’d had four beers and I couldn’t tell you what I did, really.
