by Dee Palmer
Famous last words
“I’m sorry, ignore me. I’m…I’m…I have a lot on my mind.” I rub my brow and press my temple to ease the building pressure. Damn hormones.
“Finals? You’re going to ace them, babe, don’t worry.” I absently nod my agreement. For now, it’s better than explaining the truth.
“Just ignore me.”
“Couldn’t if I tried, especially when you’re all fiery like this. Look!” He cups himself, his large hand only partially covering the huge erection in his translucent pants.
“You’re sick, you know that? Only you could get hard at me losing my shit.”
“Don’t narrow it down like that. I get hard with everything you do, but feisty, fearless, passionate Regan is fucking hot.” He waggles his brow playfully, and at any other time, I’d blurt out a dirty laugh and probably jump his bones. Not today. Today I’m failing miserably at ignoring this situation, at pretending everything is going to be all right, or believing that we’re going to be fine. Today, I’m a fucking mess.
I’m not fearless; I’m terrified.
“Reggie?” His question holds a weight of worry, and I don’t want that.
“Give me your hand.” I shake my head. I can’t let these reckless emotions bubble up again when I’ve only just quelled them. This isn’t the time for epic revelations. I’m not sure any time is going to be the right time with Joel, but I’m pretty sure now is a bad time.
Joel’s brow furrows with unasked questions and suspicion, but he offers his hand, and I stand on wobbly legs and even wobblier footing as the boat lurches with the uneven weight. My attempt to balance is thwarted when my foot slips on the wet floor. I reach for Joel with one hand and too quickly lift my leg to try and get one foot on dry land. The laws of physics kick in, and as I lunge forward, the boat moves back, creating an impossible gap. Joel reaches his other hand, his body all bent over ready to brace and catch me, as I tumble forward in what feels like slow motion, foot first and whole shocked body second into the lake. I sink right down, like a lead weight, icy water attacks my bare skin, and I reel knowing it’s only seconds before more seeps through my clothes and chills every inch of me, dragging me down even further.
I kick and pull against the drag, my clothes slick to my body and seem to suffocate my very skin as my lungs burn to take a breath. Panic rips through me, even as I feel a strong arm at my waist tugging me to the surface. I gasp and splutter, still kicking my legs and manically clinging to Joel.
“Put your feet down, babe. We’re close enough to the shore now, just put your feet down.” His voice is so calm and demanding. My body instantly obeys.
“Oh…oh.” I stand, my head is just above the water and now I feel really foolish. “I’m not a great swimmer, I may have panicked.” I cough to clear my throat.
“Ya think? I thought you we’re messing around for a second, but when you kept sinking…” He sweeps the wet hair from my face, and his eyes fix on mine while his hands skim over my body.
“I’m fine.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, thank you. It was deep there.” I manage to force a tight smile, and a mix of embarrassment and residual adrenalin mixes with a mess of hormones. I’m not really sure if I’m fine or losing my damn mind.
“It is. There’s a big drop off just there.” He points over to where the clear water fades from a light emerald to a deep dark forest green. “You only needed to swim a few feet to safety or even just grab on to the dock.” I look at the short distance he’s highlighting. It’s easy to see now I’m not seized with lack of oxygen or sinking to the bottom of the lake. My body starts to shake with a massive shiver that rattles my bones and chatters my teeth. “Oh, baby, your lips are blue.”
“I’m c-c-c-cold.”
“I know just the thing.” He scoops me into his arms and, with no effort at all, carries me from the lake. We leave a trail of water all along the footpath, across the length of the deck and up the steps of the hot tub. He submerges us both, up to our necks in searing hot water.
Bliss.
“I don’t think I’m ever coming out of here.” I sigh and moan and take the fresh flute of crisp bubbly champagne from Joel. He is dressed in sweat pants and a light grey sweater with Yale University blazing across the front. I have one just the same, although never in my lifetime could I afford to attend one of the Ivy League institutions. I ‘borrowed’ one of his and have yet to give it back. I am, however, naked, neck deep, and stubbornly refusing to get out of hot tub heaven.
“You’ve passed the point of getting any more wrinkles, that’s for sure.” He perches on the edge, facing me, and intermittently dodging the spray from bubbles sporadically exploding.
“Champagne, moonlight, aching in parts only the very deviant can reach and starring up at too many stars to comprehend, this is nirvana. I’ve had the best weekend, Joel, thank you.” I tip the glass and take a tiny sip. I feel a little light-headed and giggly, even if I’ve only had a few sips. It must be this place, this man. He pours some more champagne and flashes me his killer smile, which dazzles almost as bright as the night sky.
“I’m glad.”
“I really needed this.” I take another small sip and place the glass on the side. A few sips won’t hurt. I float over to where he’s sitting and rest my head on my arms. I know I’m not, but still I feel a little drunk and a lot in love as I gaze up at my man.
“There was a reason I wanted to bring you up here.” He brushes my cheek with the back of his knuckle, flipping his hand palm up so I can rest my heavy head in his hand.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” His tone is suddenly not so dreamy and the look in his eyes is sobering. I steady myself and sit up at the palpable change in atmosphere. Did I miss something?
“You can talk to me,” I encourage even as my stomach bubbles with acid at my own double standard.
“You’re special, so special, Reggie.” He emphasises the word ‘special’ this time in a way that does nothing to ease my rocketing anxiety.
“Oh, now, why does that sound like there’s a but coming.” The hollow sound of my laughter fails to lighten the mood.
“Reggie.” He exhales my name with a heavy sigh.
“Joel, please you’re scaring me.”
“I’m sorry, this is…hard.” He releases all contact and stretches away from me, roughly dragging both his hands back through his hair. He turns away from me, and when he finally turns back, I know.
“You’re breaking up with me?”
“No, god, no.” He steps back, closing the distance and grabbing my face with his hands. His eyes search mine. I can see he means what he’s saying, but there’s something else, and when he sighs again, I’m somehow not remotely comforted by his declaration.
“Then what?”
“I got my fellowship.”
“Oh, Joel, that’s amazing. It was never in question, really. I’m so happy for you.” I bounce onto my knees and beam my genuine excitement, clapping my hands and bursting with pride on his behalf.
“In New Zealand.”
“What the what now?” I slump like my bones have lost all rigidity, my chest caving as the wind is knocked form my lungs.
“New Zealand,” he repeats slowly, and I’m glad, because the words are now drifting over me, and I find I can only focus on one or two at best. “With the residency and speciality I am planning to study, it’s likely I’ll be living overseas at least five years.”
“Five years.” I speak just to give my gaping mouth something to do. This can’t be happening.
“At least.” He confirms my worst fears. “Now, I know this is going to be tricky.”
“Tricky.”
“But we can do this, Reggie.” He reaches below the bubbles, sweeping his hands down my forearms in search of my hands. He entwines our fingers and brings them to the surface, pulling them clasped in his to his lips. He kisses the fingertips, softly and gently, I’m sure, yet I can’t feel a thing. “
I would take you with me, but you have to finish your exams, and I need to make sure it’s a good fit for me before I bring you all the way out there too.”
“You want me to come to New Zealand with you?”
“Not right away, but maybe when I’m settled.”
“Maybe?” I ease my hand from his and cross my arms over my body, feeling a chill so deep in my bones no amount of hot tub bubbles will warm.
“I’m a man of my word, and I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep, Reggie.”
“Of course.” I nod, blinking back the sudden rush of tears blurring my vision. I walk myself back to the corner of the tub, using the effervescence of the swirling, spurting water to mask the fresh liquid falling from my eyes. “New Zealand, wow…I didn’t know you’d applied anywhere other than the States. Actually, you know, I didn’t realise you were considering any other option other than Chicago. How dumb am I?” Internally cursing my naivety, I’m astonished that I manage to keep my tone level, controlled…not broken.
“Baby, I didn’t think I stood a chance. They only offer one place to overseas candidates.”
“Really, you didn’t think you stood a chance?” I raise a brow and snort a sardonic sound. Top of every class, captain of the Lacrosse team and a family name that rivals the Kennedys. Oh, and volunteering at the children’s hospice, where we met. Who wouldn’t want him on their team?
“Yeah, you’re right, but I didn’t see the point in telling you until it was signed and sealed.” He shrugs lightly.
“It’s all signed and sealed, hmm?”
“Yes.”
“When do you start?” My mouth is so dry, but the last thing I want is the champagne still in my glass.
“Two weeks.” He has the grace to look embarrassed, averting eye contact when I yell.
“Two weeks! What the hell, Joel!”
“I’m sorry, Reggie. There just didn’t ever seem to be the right time to deliver such news. I mean, I knew you’d be happy for me—”
“Oh, I’m fucking delirious,” I scoff, my tone acrid, harsh, and humourless.
“Regan…” He reaches out to touch me, but I hold up my hand, halting any contact. His touch is ethereal, a healing balm, and never fails to ease my mind and soothe my soul, and that’s not what I need. Right now, I need to be this mad at him.
“No, no, really, I’m super happy my boyfriend is going to live in another country for five years, and he’s given me a whole two weeks to come to terms with it. Who does that, Joel? Who tells someone they are supposed to care about, ‘oh, by the way, I’m fucking off for five years, and I might want you to join me’. Who does that?”
“Fuck, Reggie, I’m sorry.”
“Oh, don’t ‘Reggie’ me, Dr Lincoln Prescott the Third, that nickname is reserved for someone that gives a shit about my feelings. I love you, Joel. I thought this weekend was about us. Again, I’m such a fucking idiot.”
“This is about us,” he pleads, and I almost believe he believes that.
“Joel, there is no us.” My voice catches, and silence falls like a suffocating fog. The hurt and rage inside me swell, explode, and dissolve like the torrent of bubbles in this hot tub. A never ending loop of confusion renders me mute for long minutes, when a sobering thought flashes across my mind and forces me to speak.
“Did you apply to New Zealand before or after I told you I loved you?”
He hesitates, and I can see the conflict in his troubled expression. He doesn’t really need to answer, but I know he will, and I know he’ll tell me the truth. He’s a man of his word.
“After. I’m sorry, Regan, believe me, it won’t be forever!” The phone inside the cabin rings, cutting the unbearable tension. “I have to get that.” Joel turns and walks away. I feel his absence like a crushing wave of things to come. I’m numb.
“You are going to have to come inside.” Joel returns and holds up a fluffy bathrobe against his body.
“Kicking me out already?”
“This will go a whole lot better if you could perhaps be an adult about this. It’s just five years, and I’m hoping you’re going to join me at some point, maybe.”
“And if you didn’t keep saying maybe, I would maybe believe you.” His jaw tightens, that muscle at the side jumping with agitation. I push out a painful breath, sucking down on the futility of this conversation.
“Will you come inside?” his tone as soft and coaxing as his expression.
“Why?”
“That was Ted on the phone, my neighbour across the lake. He said he’s spotted a family of black bears heading this way.”
“Shit!” I jolt, leaping to my feet, twisting my head this way and that, trying to see any movement in the darkness of the surrounding forest.
“Easy, you’re fine right now.” Joel chuckles at my saucer wide eyes as I scramble up the steps and into the robe he is holding open. I slip my arms through the sleeves, and he wraps his arms around my waist and ties the belt. “ I have to head over there to sort a few things, and I don’t want you outside on your own.”
“You do not have to tell me twice.” I duck under his arm and around him, dashing into the safety of the living room.
“Are you going to be okay?” Joel pulls the sliding door closed and flips the lock. He turns and walks up to me, tipping my chin up and searching my face, for what I’m not sure. I do the same, and I’m equally clueless as to how we move forward with his revelation. At least I know what I am going to do about mine. “Hey, are you all right?” he asks the dumbest question with the utmost sincerity, and all I can manage is a small sad smile and a resigned nod. It’s a done deal. “You can come with me if you want. Ted is gnarly, and he’ll probably stare at your tits the whole time, but he’s harmless. He keeps an eye on the place, and I always try and pop over when I’m up.” I shake my head at his offer. Honestly, I need a few solitary minutes to collect my thoughts, or at least try to calm the chaos enough to make the right decision.
“You go. I’ll make us some supper.”
“You will?” He arches a playful brow, lips quirked with a knowing smirk. If the way to a man’s heart is really through his stomach, I’m going to die an old maid. I burn toast, can’t boil an egg, and if it wasn’t for the kindness of my flatmates, I would’ve starved to death my first year of nursing school, and this year, my sister, the take-out queen, has made sure I never need to venture into the kitchen.
“Okay, I’ll heat up some soup.”
“Good call. I won’t be long, promise, and don’t answer the door.”
“Bears?”
“Don’t tend to knock.” He wrinkles his nose, amused.
“Right, sorry, and don’t worry, I’m not going to open up.”
“Now we both know that’s not true.” He winks, and his hazel eyes darken with wicked intent.
“Just for you.” I reply on autopilot before I can check myself.
“Damn right, only me,” he states emphatically, only the proprietary tone feels all kinds of wrong, hollow, and misplaced. He pulls me into a tight hug that makes my chest ache and my heart break. “I won’t be long.” He kisses the top of my head, grabs his puffy jacket and is out the door before he can hear the finality of my response.
“Five years too long.”
I drag myself back to our bedroom to find my phone. The soup will take a minute to heat through, and right now, I need more than comfort food. I need my best friend.
“Hi.” I sink back into the mountain of pillows on Joel’s bed, tuck the fur throw up to my waist, and lift my knees to my chest, hugging them with my one free arm.
“Hey, babe, how you doing? How’s your weekend? Have you told him? Have you made your decision? What are you going to do?” Harper quick fires questions like bullets, making my chest recoil with each painful strike.
“Harper, breathe.” I manage to keep my tone light, indifferent, and casual.
“What’s wrong? Regan, tell me what’s wrong. You don’t sound so good.” I can picture her f
rantically cupping the phone in both hands wanting to reach right in and hug me, and I have no idea how she knows. My voice didn’t even shake, although it does now, cracking with the weight of what’s been said and what’s still left unsaid.
“I had the best weekend up until ten minutes ago.” I suck back the bubbling emotion and bite down on the wobble, forcing myself to push through. “Yes, I’ve made my decision, and no, I’ve not told him.”
“Why, what happened?”
“He’s accepted a fellowship post in New Zealand.”
“What the actual fuck, Regan!” I pull the phone from my ear a little too late to prevent her ear piercing reaction.
“Yup.”
“That’s not just cold, that’s an Arctic freeze. What an asshole.” She exhales an audible angry puff of air.
“He wants me to come with him, maybe.” My voice drifts off with uncertainty.
“Maybe? And what about your studies? What about your job, your friends, your family?”
I derisively query her final selection of reasons to stay. “Family?”
“Okay, that’s fair. Your sister is a bitch, but me and Cam and your other friends, Regan, you can’t leave us.” I can hear the uncharacteristic panic in the pitch of her voice.
“I don’t know if he was just saying that to soften the blow.” Wiping the first trickle of tears from my cheek with a rough swipe of the back of my hand, I try to gather the fraying edges of my resolve. “I don’t understand how he hasn’t mentioned this before. This is huge, Harper, and he’s supposed to…” I hesitate over the aching void that the inability to finish that sentence gouges in my chest.
He never said he loved you, idiot.
“Still, isn’t this something that two people in a relationship would talk about?” My rhetorical question hangs like a noose, and even before Harper breaks the silence, I get the irony like a slap in my hypocritical face.
“Um…”
