“She’d forget that savage a lot quicker if she didn’t have them as constant reminders,” he told his wife one night.
“I know,” Sarah sighed, “but she loves those children. I don’t think she’ll ever give them up, no matter what.”
“What if they suddenly came up missing?” he suggested.
“That’s a horrible, ugly thought, Edward!” Sarah glared at him. “What has come over you?”
Putting his head in his hands, he murmured, “I don’t know, Sarah. I just can’t stand the thought of our lovely daughter the way she is now.”
“Give her time, Edward — but let me tell you this. If anything would ever happen to those children because of you, Tanya would never forgive you. Nor would I, for that matter. You have always been kind and thoughtful and gentle, and those are qualities I’ve admired in you all these years. I could not live with you knowing you had taken your hurt and anger out on two helpless children.”
“What are you going to do?” he cried brokenly.
Sarah sat next to him on the bed and put her arms about him. “I don’t know, Edward. Perhaps we start by being thankful we have her back on any terms. She’s alive and well and home again, and that is what we were praying for all these past months.”
“I’ll try,” he promised. “If Jeffrey Young can still want to marry her, knowing Tanya will not give up those boys, I suppose I can put up with it.”
“While you’re at it, try accepting the idea, not just enduring it,” Sarah suggested gently. “Tanya knows you disapprove and she feels my disappointment. Perhaps if we try a little harder to accept what she’s become and understand what she’s been through, she’ll try harder to adapt and adjust to us.”
Edward pulled his wife close. “How did you get so wise?” he asked as he kissed her.
“By living with you,” she answered, her eyes shining.
But Sarah was having her own set of problems to deal with. While she was relieved and thankful to have Tanya home again, safe and relatively sound, her heart bled with pity each time she looked at her daughter. Here was her beautiful young daughter whose life had held such promise — beautiful, vivacious, intelligent; engaged to a handsome lieutenant, Tanya’s future had been bright until her disappearance.
Now it was as if a stranger had taken her place; a silent, solemn ghost who walked, ate, and slept in the same house but existed on a different level from the rest of them. She rarely spoke, and then only in Cheyenne. Where once she had laughed readily, enjoying life to its height, now her face hardly ever revealed what she was feeling. It was as if she wore an inflexible mask; all the features frozen into place. The only time she smiled was when she was playing with her sons.
The children were another matter. While Sarah did not resent them as her husband did, she found it hard to accept them. In her loving heart, she saw them as unfortunate victims of fate. They were innocent babes, not to be blamed for anything that had happened. On the other hand, they stood between Tanya and true happiness.
Sarah felt pity for the children, knowing they would never be fully accepted by society. She felt sympathy for Tanya knowing what her daughter would have to endure to shield her children from slander and prejudice; the pain she would go through in her love for her sons.
That Tanya loved the boys, Sarah did not doubt, and in a way, she understood it. They were Tanya’s flesh and blood. They had grown in and been nourished by her body. There was a special bond that could never be broken.
Sarah could not fathom how Tanya could have loved her Cheyenne husband, but Melissa insisted she had. Surely the girl was wrong; mistaken. Surely Tanya had merely submitted to his demands out of necessity and was too proud to admit it. In trying to understand Tanya as she now was, Sarah even entertained the possibility that Tanya felt some sort of commitment to him as the father of her sons.
Was this why she clung to her Indian ways? Jeffrey had even gone so far as to suggest she might try to return to Panther. Until Tanya came to her senses, and threw off this confused state that seemed to have a hold on her, he advised they hide her horse, and make sure none of theirs were available to her. Once she was back to her old self, they might let their guard down.
In her dealings with Tanya, Sarah tried to be understanding, but her expressions of sympathy seemed only to repel her daughter even further. Tanya took offense at her mother’s attitude toward herself and her sons, and withdrew behind an impenetrable, invisible barrier of silent pride.
After a week of being inside the house, Tanya felt the walls start to close in on her. Unused to feeling so confined, she took to taking daily walks with Kit. Sometimes Jeremy tagged along, and often Tanya took one of her sons with her.
When first she started going off, her mother or Aunt Elizabeth would make some excuse why she should leave one or the other of the boys at home. On the few occasions when she preferred to take both, Jeffrey or one of the others insisted on accompanying her. It wasn’t long before Tanya realized what they were doing. As long as at least one of her sons were left behind, they were assured of her return. Otherwise, they felt obliged to go along. Tanya knew they were doing it out of concern for her. It wasn’t that they didn’t trust her; it was just that they were unsure of her emotional state and were determined to protect her from herself until she was completely back to normal again. She laughed ruefully to herself over their transparent efforts, but said nothing. Once she was aware of this, however, she voluntarily took only one of her boys along at a time, feeling it easier to give in on this than create more tension needlessly.
Julie despised it when she was drafted to walk with Tanya, and Tanya was well aware of her sister’s animosity. Tanya considered it extreme and could not figure out why Julie seemed to hate her. Granted, they had always bickered, as sisters tend to do. There had been the usual rivalry, arguments, fighting and jealousies that siblings are prone to, but Tanya sensed there was something else behind this.
Tanya had missed Julie, and she had thought Julie would have missed her. Jeffrey had led her to believe she had, but now that Tanya was back, Julie surely wasn’t acting as if that were the case. Though they’d fought, Tanya had always loved her younger sister, and she’d felt sure Julie returned the sentiment.
Now her sister was becoming as hateful as Suellen. She went out of her way to avoid contact with Tanya and the children. Julie looked down her upturned nose at Tanya, and when they were thrown together, she constantly sniped at Tanya about her Indian attire. She made nasty comments and asked outrageously personal questions about Tanya’s life with the Indians. Sarah was constantly having to chastise her about her outspoken curiosity and her offensive attitude.
All this Tanya could abide, if not understand, but Julie’s actions around the children were another matter altogether. Julie was always ready to comment on their dark complexions and straight black hair. Though Hunter had Tanya’s golden eyes, Julie was quick to point out that Mark, with his dark eyes, had evidently inherited none of his mother’s features. She made it clear that she was repelled by them. She cringed if Hunter came anywhere near her, as if he would contaminate her if he touched her lily-white skin. Always, Julie was most spiteful when Edward was present, as if to deliberately fuel his resentment toward Tanya’s sons.
Tanya fumed silently, and her own resentment grew as the days went by. Julie’s reasons remained a mystery, but Tanya was getting fed up. A major conflict was in the offing if things went on as they were. For herself, Tanya did not care, but her maternal instincts were being aroused to the point of doing battle for her young.
It seemed she had Aunt Liz, Melissa, and Jeremy in her corner. Uncle George and her mother were trying to sit both sides of the fence at the same time. With Julie, her father, and Jeffrey, Tanya was constantly having to shield her sons from their resentment, animosity, and outright disgust. It was trying, to say the least, especially on top of her constant longing for Panther.
At least Melissa was benefiting from life in the Martin household. S
he was such a dear, sweet little thing that everyone seemed to want to protect her, even Julie. Her very shyness drew people to her, as well as her natural willingness to help out in any way she could. Even Edward, despite the words they had exchanged, liked the petite blond. He admired her loyalty and her honesty.
As for Aunt Elizabeth, she now had the daughter she had always longed for. For years, she and George had regretted the fact that they could not have children. Their home had seemed so empty until recently. Now they had Jeremy, who had lost his parents in an accident the year before, but much as Elizabeth loved her sister’s boy, she had always yearned for a daughter. Melissa filled the vacancy perfectly.
Of all the people in the Martin home, Elizabeth was the stablizing factor. She had the unique talent of being able to see things and people as they were, without all the frills and wrappings. Rarely did she mince words or dither about in confusion. She always seemed to be able to cut through directly to the heart of the matter. Not that she saw everything as either black or white, right or wrong, but she usually saw all the intermediate shades of grey more clearly than others did. As a rule, her instincts were unfailing, and she followed through with the appropriate course of action.
She did this with Tanya. Almost at once, she sized up the situation and came to terms with it. She alone of Tanya’s relatives sensed Tanya’s real love for her Cheyenne husband. Instinctively, she knew it ran strong and deep, not relying solely on the bond of their children.
Elizabeth wondered about this man who had captured her niece’s heart. Without prejudice, she thought he must be a remarkable person, with strength and character, a man to admire. In her mind, she pictured him as handsome and proud, for she could not imagine Tanya loving a weak-willed man.
As much as Elizabeth liked Jeffrey, she’d had some reservations about Tanya’s marriage to him. Realizing his flaws, she’d wondered if Tanya would be truly happy married to Jeffrey. Though he appeared to be a nice young man, intelligent, good-looking, ambitious, Elizabeth also sensed he could be domineering, egotistical and narrow-minded. She worried that he might even be cruel when crossed. As long as things went his way, he would be easy to live with, but Elizabeth wondered what he would be like if Tanya dared to defy him.
As things stood now, Tanya had Jeffrey over a barrel. He had no recourse, under the circumstances, but to wait for Tanya to recover from her traumatic experiences. Elizabeth wondered how long Jeffrey’s patience would hold, and what would happen when it finally snapped, as she felt sure it would. She was thankful Tanya was not already wed to him, and hoped Tanya would not knuckle under the pressures of her parents to marry him. It was Tanya’s life and her decision, but somehow Elizabeth felt Tanya would resist all attempts to push her into a relationship with Jeffrey again. Tanya had been through too many trials, and she’s evidently grown stronger through them. Her love for Panther and her sons would hold her true, both to them and to herself.
Elizabeth did not press Tanya into reforming. She did not harp at her about her dress, or try to get her to speak English, or demand that she sleep in her bed instead of the floor. Calmly, she took it all in stride, as if it were commonplace to sit across the table from a girl in buckskin and headband. Readily accepting Tanya’s children into her home, she showed none of the prejudices the others did. She helped Tanya and Melissa look after the babies, feeding and dressing and often playing with them.
Kit she had a harder time accepting, but even they had come to an understanding. The cougar stayed out of Elizabeth’s kitchen unless the big cat wanted a wooden spoon bounced off her head. She ate on the back porch, and slept on the floor in Tanya’s room, and in order to avoid having her hide nailed to the stable door, she stayed off of Elizabeth’s prized furniture. The stable was strictly off limits, as it upset George’s horses and milk cows. In return for her good behavior, she was allowed to roam the house and was given choice leftovers, since she rarely left Tanya’s side to hunt for herself.
Elizabeth was very patient with Tanya. Her pity was not so strong that it smothered Tanya, as Sarah’s did. Her quiet acceptance was a balm to Tanya’s tormented spirit, and Tanya found herself seeking out her aunt’s company more and more. Tanya would sit for hours listening to Elizabeth speak of commonplace happenings. She and Melissa helped out in the kitchen, aiding Elizabeth in preparing meals, and while Tanya did not contribute to the conversation herself, she would listen to the other two. Their undemanding companionship eased her discontent, and it pleased her to see the fondness developing between her aunt and Melissa.
Tanya had hoped Melissa would be accepted here, but she’d never dreamed Aunt Liz and Uncle George would be so taken with the girl. Aunt Liz was obviously thrilled with her, and kindly Uncle George was developing a distinctly fatherly attitude toward her. He adored his wife, and anyone who could make her so happy immediately earned his gratitude.
Melissa did more than this. In her shy way, she had endeared herself to both of them. Her big blue eyes melted their hearts like warm butter, and before long she had wormed her way into their lives so securely that they could not imagine their home without Melissa in it. Since Jeremy felt the same way, no one was surprised when they asked Melissa to stay permanently.
Melissa reacted with such ecstatic joy that it brought tears to Tanya’s eyes. Would she herself ever be as happy again?
Day after lonely day, she waited for Panther. On her treks with Kit, she would walk to the edge of town and gaze longingly into the distance, as if sending her thoughts in his direction would bring him back to her.
As the days turned into weeks and he still did not come, Tanya’s worry increased. She did not doubt his love for her and their sons, and she was sure he would come for her if he could. Couldn’t he find her? Was he having problems reorganizing the tribe after the massacre? She knew that as chief he had responsibilities to the tribe that outweighed his personal problems. How long would it take before he could leave and come for her? Was the snow and winter weather holding him back?
In mid January she heard through Jeffrey that the Indian captives had been released to make their way back to their people. George Bent was among them. How Tanya longed to go with them! She consoled herself with the pact she and George Bent had made. He would tell Panther where to find her.
With aching heart, Tanya told herself to be patient a little while longer. Panther would come. Panther would come. Panther would come! In the long, dark, loneliness of the night, Tanya repeated this to herself in a litany of hope.
Chapter 15
TANYA HAD been separated from Panther for nearly two months. She ate because she had to, to keep her milk flowing for Mark, but she was getting thinner. The bones of her face were more prominent now, and her clothing hung on her. Her golden eyes seemed too large for her face, with violet shadows beneath them, and her expression was continuously solemn. Her shorn hair was longer now, falling halfway to her shoulders in soft curls. It dismayed Tanya that she could not yet make decent braids out of it.
Of all the strange things to happen to her, Tanya developed a craving for oranges. It had been years since she’d eaten one and now she could not get enough of them. Aunt Elizabeth had bought a crate for the holidays, and had since ordered more, seeing how much Tanya desired them. Pears, apples, and plums would serve in a pinch, but oranges were what she wanted. It was as if her body had done without them for too long, and now was making up for lost time.
What her system could notabide was Jeffrey’s constant attendance. Tanya avoided him as much as she could, even fleeing to her room to hide if she had advance warning. When he stayed for supper, she requested a tray in her room, or skipped the meal al- together. After this had occurred several times, however, even Aunt Liz put her foot down.
“Tanya, dear, you are much too thin as it is,” she told her. “I have to agree with your parents on this. Either you come to the table to eat, Jeffrey or no Jeffrey, or you don’t eat. Keep it up long enough, and soon your milk will dry up, or you’ll become i
ll and won’t be able to tend to your sons. You have your choice, but you’ll get no more trays in your room. You can’t hide away up there forever.”
From then on, Tanya ate with the family, but she continued to ignore Jeffrey’s presence.
This did not stop his attentions toward her, however. At every opportunity he turned up on the Martin doorstep. He’d corner her in the parlor and bombard her with questions, trying to win her confidence and get her to talk to him. He’d join her on her walks, pelting her with declarations of undying love. At times like this, Tanya felt like screaming. Beneath his facade of gentle persuasion and patient understanding, she sensed a falseness. He certainly was putting on a good performance, but her intuition told her not to trust him. Compared to Panther, Jeffrey was shallow and petty. He exuded none of Panther’s strength, dignity, or loving gentleness. Jeffrey was petulant, bossy, insanely jealous at times, trigger-tempered, and full of himself: but above all, he was persistent. He followed Tanya like a second shadow, ignoring her silence and the cold shoulder she turned to him.
She endured him with ill-humor. More and more, his attitude sickened her, especially those toward Hunter and Mark. Even while he professed adoration for her, his disgust for her children was plain to see. At first he tried to cover his feelings, but when confronted with the two dark-haired boys so continually, he was unable to mask his contempt.
Finally he stopped trying, telling Tanya, “Surely you understand, darling. If we’d married as we had planned, we’d have boys of our own this age; fair, blond boys that would have been mine to claim proudly.”
Tanya gave him a dark look that should have fried him as crisp as morning bacon.
Disregarding her look, he said, “One day we’ll have those children, Tanya; you and I. Once we’re married, I’ll give you a dozen babies of our own and you’ll forget the last few terrible years. You’ll see the difference then. You’ll love our children more, I know, and they’ll be legitimate.You won’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed for them, or feel bound to them merely out of a sense of duty.”
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