“I think I have more confidence in you than you have in yourself,” he teased. “You tell stories to the kids at the hospital all the time. You’ve always been a success emceeing the auction for the Ladies Guild. That’s why Linda Jamison chose you for this.”
“How do you know that?”
“I have my sources.” His smile was crooked, and he looked almost boyish.
“I heard the same thing floating around the hospital,” Leigh added. “You have a reputation, Carrie. You’re poised and kind and you never seem to offend anyone. I heard you were the first and only choice to hostess this program.”
“No pressure here,” she said, trying to keep her voice light. Since she’d stopped modeling, she’d never thought about how other people saw her. Except Brian.
To Carrie’s relief, Leigh asked if anyone would like seconds. Dessert wasn’t far behind. When Adam went into the kitchen to help Leigh fetch it, Brian leaned closer to her. “You aren’t really nervous about the program, are you?”
Looking up into his dark-brown eyes, she almost forgot what they were talking about. His blue-and-red flannel shirt was open at the throat, and chest hair whirled there. He’d taken off the vest and she realized how much she liked the way he looked in jeans.
“Carrie?” he asked, an amused smile playing on his lips.
With great effort, she remembered his question. He still smelled like the outdoors and winter and man, and she was caught up in that, too. “I get jittery whenever I think about the program.”
“Then you shouldn’t think about it until two minutes before you go on.”
“Sage advice,” she agreed. “Very easy to give, very hard to take.”
Still smiling, he murmured, “I guess every time you think about it, we should do something to distract you.”
“Like?” she asked, loving this more playful side of her husband, wishing it popped out more often.
“Like this.” Slipping his hand under her hair, he bent to her, brushed his lips tantalizingly over hers, and gave them both the pleasure of a full kiss.
Carrie lost track of time and place…lost track of everything but Brian. Hungry desire was always there. Fiery passion took over as soon as his lips met hers. His work had gotten in the way this week, as well as concerns about Lisa, but she also wondered if the last time they’d made love, too much had opened up for both of them—too much need, too much longing, too much desire for something more than what they had.
Breaking the kiss, Brian eased his hand from under her hair and murmured in her ear, “Tonight.”
She wondered what tonight would bring. She wondered if the intimacy she so desperately wanted was possible without sharing her deepest secrets with Brian.
She didn’t think it was.
She hoped she was wrong.
When Brian stepped into the elevator on Sunday afternoon, he automatically pressed the button for five, his floor of office suites. He hadn’t planned to work today. Derrick had called him about going over documents on the Alaskan land deal. He’d seen the disappointed look in Carrie’s eyes after he’d taken the call. He didn’t understand why she was disappointed. After all, she planned to spend the afternoon with Lisa going over birthing techniques. She couldn’t expect him to get involved with that!
Yet maybe she had. His wife was becoming a woman he didn’t know. He used to be able to predict her every reaction. But no more. Like yesterday when he realized she intended to race him. She’d never done anything so wild and reckless before. He didn’t like her doing it now. Yet that wild side of her intrigued him.
He still didn’t understand how she could relate to Lisa so well. They were such opposites. But there was some kind of bond tying them together. Curious about the shelter where Lisa had stayed, he’d stopped there before coming to his office. His eyes had been opened to the problems runaways faced. As he’d spoken to the director, he’d realized there were too many teenagers like Lisa, not in a shelter but on the streets.
The elevator doors opened and Brian strode to the double oak doors that led to his office suites. Inserting one key and then another, he unlocked the doors and tapped in the security code to turn off the alarm.
The plush slate-gray carpeting, the wine-colored leather furniture, the contemporary watercolors on the walls spoke of a decorator’s penchant for detail. Usually taking pride in what he had accomplished, today Brian hardly noticed it as he rounded the receptionist’s U-shaped desk and headed down a corridor. His office was at the end.
Once more using a key, he let himself inside. Here gray, navy and teak combined in a space that fit his every need. Again he took little notice as he opened a file drawer and found the folder he was looking for.
Though he took it to his desk and sat in the high-back swivel chair, he didn’t open it. Instead, he reached for his checkbook in the top left drawer. Decision made, he wrote out a contribution to the shelter that existed mainly on the kindness of private citizens and corporations. The director had explained how they tried to help women get back on their feet rather than just giving them a roof over their heads and hot food. It was a good cause, he told himself as he wrote out the check.
It still rankled that Carrie had made the decision to invite Lisa into their home without even consulting him. That wasn’t like his wife. But then it wasn’t like Carrie to abdicate her role as hostess at one of his business dinners, either. It wasn’t like her to introduce him to an old friend then tell him nothing about her. It wasn’t like her to back out of a trip to San Francisco, race him on a horse, or tell him that she was afraid their marriage was in trouble if this adoption didn’t go through.
Placing the check in the middle of the folder taken from the file cabinet, he swiveled away from it and reached for the portfolio that he’d slid between the bookshelves and the wall. He hadn’t gone through it in a very long time. Now drawn to it, he carried it to the conference table, unzipped it and revealed a project that had once been a dream. Somehow he’d turned it into reality. This portfolio held his preliminary sketches and concept ideas drawn before he handed them over to an architect who designed the finished product. There were malls, high-rise office complexes and resorts. In the back of the portfolio, he found sketches he hadn’t examined in years.
Usually he didn’t draw people. He wasn’t an artist. He just had an eye for what kind of buildings fit best on properties. Still…when he’d first met Carrie, she’d gotten under his skin so completely, he’d sketched her several times from memory. Always his worst critic, Brian had to admit the charcoal drawings weren’t bad. He’d never shown them to his wife. He’d never considered them worthy of framing. After all, he could pay to have a real artist paint her portrait anytime. Yet he found himself studying them, studying Carrie. She’d looked different then—happier. Had he been happier, too? Had striving for the ideal family stolen that happiness?
Shouldn’t they have gotten closer through their efforts to have a child? They’d seemed to be backing away from each other since they’d begun the quest to have a baby. Did Carrie feel inadequate because she couldn’t give him a child? Had he somehow reinforced that feeling in her?
Brian heard footsteps in the hall. When Derrick appeared at the door, Brian closed the portfolio, zipped it and slipped it between the bookshelf and wall once more.
But the disturbing questions he’d asked couldn’t be stowed away so easily.
Rain pelted Brian’s windshield as he drove home from his office in the gathering dusk. Coming home was different now with Lisa in the house. A third person changed every dynamic. Yet even before Lisa had arrived, he and Carrie hadn’t spent much time together. Except for their efforts to have a baby, they seemed to be living separate lives. Last night, when they’d made love, he’d still felt that separateness.
After Brian pulled into the garage and let himself into the kitchen, he listened. A hum of the TV came from Lisa’s room. Would Carrie be with her? He decided to try to find his wife elsewhere in the house first. She often s
pent Sunday afternoons catching up on the phone with her sisters.
When he entered the foyer, he stopped. For convenience’ sake, Carrie often dropped her purse on the marble-topped table there. Now he saw Lisa at the table, rifling through his wife’s wallet. In fact she was slipping out a bill.
“What are you doing?” His voice was harsh and meant to startle the teenager.
Color drained from the girl’s face. She was wearing one of the new sweat suits Carrie had bought her on their excursion to the mall, and she looked over at him now without the defiance she usually wore.
“I—I—” she stammered, dropping the wallet back into Carrie’s purse, yet still holding a five-dollar bill.
“Where’s Carrie?” he demanded.
“She—she went for a walk.”
“So you took advantage of her absence to steal from her? Is there anything you’ve needed that we haven’t provided for you?”
To Brian’s surprise, tears welled up in Lisa’s eyes and spilled over. He heard the sound of the French door closing in the family room, and a few moments later Carrie stood in the foyer eyeing them both. She was wearing a waterproof jacket, and she pushed the hood off of her head.
Seeing the tears on Lisa’s face, she asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Tell her, Lisa,” Brian insisted.
“Mr. Summers saw me taking—taking money from your wallet. I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t, but…”
Carrie slipped off her gloves and stuffed them into one pocket. Going to Lisa, she asked, “Why do you need money?”
“I don’t need it right now. I mean— I’m afraid of what’s going to happen after I have the baby. What are you going to do with me? Do I have to leave right away? I still won’t be able to afford an apartment. I can live on the streets again until I find a job, but—”
The tears were coming faster now and Brian saw a different side of Lisa Sanders—the vulnerable side. When the first tears had started to fall, he’d wondered if she was putting on an act. But now he saw the desperation in her eyes and he knew she wasn’t. He’d been skating around this issue of Lisa, still angry with Carrie for making the decision of taking her in. But this girl was going to let them adopt her baby, and he had a responsibility for her. If she gave them her baby, it would be the most precious gift. She deserved to know she’d be taken care of. She deserved to know she could have a future different from her past.
Picking up the wallet, Carrie drew out a few bills and handed them to Lisa. “You don’t have to worry about a place to stay after the baby’s born. We’re not going to put you out on the streets.”
Lisa glanced over at Brian as if she didn’t believe Carrie.
“We’re not,” he agreed. “Have you given any more thought to college?”
She wiped her tears away. “No, I didn’t think you were serious. I thought you were just saying that so I’d give you the baby.”
As he should have realized, Lisa didn’t trust easily. His attitude toward having her in the house hadn’t helped. “I don’t make an offer like that then retract it. Why don’t you come into my office and we’ll take a look at a few colleges on the Internet. You can get an idea of what their programs are and what might interest you.”
“I used the computer a few times at school, but I wasn’t very good at it.”
“I’ll help you.” After all, he still didn’t trust her completely and he didn’t want her alone in his office.
Lisa looked down at the bills in her hand and then thrust them back at Carrie. “I don’t need this. You’re taking care of everything I need.”
“You should have your own spending money,” Carrie said softly. “It was insensitive of us not to realize that.”
“Carrie and I’ll talk about it and we’ll set up some type of allowance.”
Lisa gave them a weak smile. “I haven’t had an allowance since my parents died.” Then before either of them could comment, she said, “I’ll go look at that computer in your office.”
After Lisa went down the hall, Brian stated, “We have to talk about Lisa, but I don’t want to leave her alone in there.”
Raindrops dripped from Carrie’s jacket. After she unzipped it, she hung it across the foyer chair. “We should have talked after she arrived.”
The anger he’d kept in check ever since Lisa had moved into their home came to the surface. “I didn’t see much point in talking then. You made a decision without any input from me, and I was going to let you deal with it.”
“I knew how much you wanted a child. I was just taking advantage of an opportunity.”
“How much I want a child? Don’t you want a child, Carrie?”
Lowering her head for a few moments, she finally met his gaze again. “Yes. But not to the exclusion of all else. Ever since the first year we were married, it’s all we’ve been striving for.”
“Is there something wrong with that?”
She looked suddenly defeated. “No. Not if it’s what we both want. I guess I don’t understand why you’re angry about Lisa when you’ve been making all the decisions ever since we were married.”
Her words took the wind from his logic. “I made all our decisions because I felt that’s what you wanted. Are you telling me now I was wrong?”
When she took a deep breath and seemed to be sorting through the words she wanted to use, he became impatient. “Just say whatever you have to say, Carrie.”
Squaring her shoulders, she did. “I’m not sure I knew what I wanted when we got married. Yes, I wanted to be married to you, but I didn’t want a role like my mother had. She’d taken over everything—from having food on the table, to paying what bills she could, to taking care of us. So I guess after our wedding I just stood back, watching. You handled everything. I stopped modeling to be able to travel with you, to hostess dinner parties, to do volunteer work like the wives of the men you knew.”
“Are you telling me you’re sorry you stopped modeling?”
“I’m telling you I feel as if I don’t have anything of my own anymore. I’m your wife, and I’m not sure who I’ve become outside of that.”
“Is this an identity crisis?” he asked incredulously.
“I’m not sure what it is. Maybe I’m finally waking up and I want more.”
“More? More than a house in a prestigious neighborhood, more than diamonds and furs and an unlimited bank account?”
With a frustrated frown, she waved her hand, dismissing everything he’d mentioned. “I’m not talking about things, Brian. The idea of adopting Lisa’s baby means everything to me. A child would fill our lives the way nothing else can. But I worry if you’re going to be around, or if you’re going to be a ghost in and out of the baby’s life.”
“You believe since I haven’t welcomed Lisa with open arms, I won’t be invested in our baby?” The fact that Carrie thought that unsettled him. In his mind, one had nothing to do with the other. “I can’t believe that you don’t know me better than that. If we adopt a child, I’ll take full responsibility for it.”
“Responsibility is one thing. Caring and bonding and being with a child are another.”
“Do you trust me, Carrie?”
Her brown eyes darted away from his. “Trust is complicated. It’s not black and white.”
He took her by the shoulders. “With me, it is. We’ve been married five years. By now you should know. I keep my promises, and I do what I say I’m going to do.”
Suddenly her gaze met his and she asked softly, “Do you trust me, Brian?”
The question startled him, maybe as much as his had startled her. But he didn’t have to think about it long. “I trust you to be faithful. I trust you to stand beside me. I trust you to tell me the truth. Yes, I trust you.”
“But deep down, do you trust that I’ll stay? Or do you keep yourself so busy with work that you’ll be prepared if I leave?”
Brian couldn’t remember ever being speechless in his life, but he felt as if Carrie’s question had knocked the ai
r from his chest. Considering her question and looking at the issues in his marriage he’d never even known were there unnerved him more than he wanted to admit. He relied on anger to fuel his response. “Did you bring this up now because you know we can’t talk about it?”
“We can—”
“We can’t. You brought a teenager into this house whom I caught trying to steal money from your purse. Do you think I’m going to trust her alone in my office?”
“Lisa was just afraid.”
“Fear doesn’t absolve her.”
Carrie took a step back from him and he didn’t like that any more than he liked their discussion. “No, it doesn’t,” she murmured. “But stealing money for survival is a lot different from stealing for the kick of it. I don’t think you have to worry about anything in your office.”
His wife’s tone had gone flat and Brian couldn’t understand why his distrust of Lisa bothered her so much. Or was it something else he’d said? Carrie wasn’t the type of person to let words wash over her and slide away. She remembered every one of them.
“We’ll talk after I finish helping Lisa,” he said, frustrated now.
“It will be time for dinner then. I invited Katie Crosby to come over. I have a pot roast in the oven.”
“Verna didn’t leave a casserole?”
“I told her I’d make dinner myself today. Lisa said pot roast is her favorite meal so it seemed like a good idea.”
They hadn’t discussed dinner, and he realized now that Carrie hadn’t known if he’d be home. But she’d wanted to cook for her and Lisa and Katie, her best friend. Were there nights when she wanted to cook for him? When having a housekeeper didn’t necessarily make things easy but made them impersonal?
The desire he felt for Carrie had always been powerful and he’d always felt it reciprocated. But right now he felt a wall between them, too difficult to climb, too thick to crash through. “We’ll talk later.”
A Precious Gift Page 9
