by Sarah Cole
“Have a seat.” He says before settling himself in the creaky chair behind his desk.
I don’t say anything after I sit, because honestly I’m not quite sure what I would say.
“How are you doing?”
“I’m well, thank you.”
“Good, good. Lennon, I have to be honest when I tell you that we weren’t expecting you back today. HR didn’t contact you?”
I look at him surprised. “What gave you that impression? I had a couple weeks of vacation accumulated, so I took them. I never said I wouldn’t be back.”
“Lennon, we have already hired an interim assistant marketing manager… but we have provided you with a generous bonus and severance package.” He provides, rummaging through the drawer beside him. “You’re certain you didn’t get a call?” I shake my head. I mean technically it could have been one of the many numbers I’ve ignored recently, but still… no message?
“I’d be more than willing to provide you with a fantastic reference. The work you have done here is outstanding.” He says, handing me a thick envelope with the company logo printed on it.
I know this is wrong on so many levels, and I know that I should be angry and threatening lawsuits considering I didn’t do anything wrong, or violate any type of contract. Most people would, and ordinarily I wouldn’t blame them. But right now, all I feel is liberation. I already knew that there wasn’t anything left for me here before I came back, but apparently, I’m just stubborn enough to need to prove myself wrong. I feel like I’m finally giving myself an out, and I couldn’t be more relieved.
The next hour or so, Gordon and I iron out the finer details of my departure, and with the sizeable bonus they provided me, I honestly can’t even be resentful. You could say it was hush money with the sum they offered, but after the meeting with Uncle Lance, I’m not even concerned with justice. Bleeding Vengeance will reap what they’ve sewn.
As I stand outside the tall, glass office building, soaking up the cool, gray Seattle morning, I know what I have to do. I have to go home.
I press send on my phone.
“I knew you’d change your mind about coming home.” Charlie answers brightly.
“How’d you know what I was calling about?” I ask disbelievingly.
“Wait! You’re serious! I was joking, but are you seriously coming home?!” she shouts in my ear, and I have to hold the phone away.
“Yeah, I’m serious. When should I start, boss?” I ask.
“Oh my gosh, Leni! Yay! Right now, tomorrow, whenever you want! Just come home, we miss you! Fally keeps asking about Len Len.”
And with that, I know I made the right decision. I’m going home. Even though my heart is aching in my chest, longing for someone I can’t have and a job I loved, I find comfort in the fact that at least this time I won’t be alone.
Chapter 19
TWO AND A HALF MONTHS LATER…
Jay:
“Thank you, Lisbon! You are fucking crazy tonight! I love it… I love it.” I laugh into the microphone and thousands of fans erupt. The U.S. is great, but there is seriously nothing like a European crowd for a Metalcore band. It’s absolutely insane. This is our sixth European tour, and each time the crowd seems to multiply.
We are playing our second encore for this crowd because to be quite honest, we were terrified of the consequences if we didn’t, but we are exhausted and I’m just going to do the guys a favor in a minute and play a song that I’ve been working on for Leni for the past few weeks.
I’m so beyond ready to go home. I need Leni… she’s my air, and I know I needed the space to just think and let myself be. What I discovered is life is short and you don’t always get to determine the how’s, when’s, why’s. Sometimes those are taken from you and it isn’t fair, but you can’t give up. If you fall, you have to pick yourself back up keep going, but what I’ve realized is I don’t want to keep going. At least not without Leni. Dr. Grace has helped me sort through everything and realize that it’s only me holding the future back, and I know it’s time to move on.
“Ok you guys, one more! This is a little something I’ve been working on, and it’s just the acoustic version for now, but Aaron is going to accompany me. This is a song about a girl I love named Lennon who saved me and she didn’t even know it… she gives me a reason to live. It’s called, From the Dark.”
The crowd erupts with applause as the lights on stage dim, and the sea of thousands of cell phone screens flicker like blue lightning bugs in the dark.
I let my fingers float over the frets, plucking at the strings that I have memorized like my own hand after playing it night after night. The drop c tuning on my guitar gives the song a heavy darkness, and it contrasts with Aarons standard tuning, letting lighter, more melodic notes weave through the music.
The introduction fades gently and I begin to sing, pouring out everything inside…
The chains of an illusion,
weigh down my heart,
searching for answers while standing in hell,
I don't know where to start
Tugging on the frayed edges of my medicated mind,
Is a never was that I can't seem to leave behind.
Killing me daily, over and over again,
Dying by my own hands and can't seem to win.
So let yourself fall into me, like I fall into you,
You pull me from the dark every time I close my eyes
Just let yourself fall into me, because I'm so in love with you,
You pull me from the dark, my salvation in disguise…
Just as always, I let myself get lost in the words and the music, feeling everything that I’d been repressing for too long, and at the center of it is a beautiful girl with cotton candy colored hair. The music lifts in the air around me, carrying my words with it.
I ache to call Leni, just to hear her voice, but I can’t. She is still staying with Charlie and Andrew, per Charlie’s request. She’s Charlie’s assistant, but also helping with Fallon since Charlie has been put on modified bed rest. So even if I won’t let myself call her, at least I can get daily updates of some sort. I just can’t cheapen everything I need to say to her by doing it over the phone with an ocean between us, and I know that once I finally fall into her, there will be no coming back. So, I’ll wait. Just another month, and then I’ll have my girl back in my arms.
Chapter 20
THREE WEEKS LATER…
Leni:
Ten point five million views. That’s how many times the cell phone video of Jay’s rough acoustic version of ‘From the Dark’ has been viewed. One million. The approximate number of said views that belong to me. Quit judging me; I can’t stop. It makes me ugly cry, but the good kind. The kind you cry when you watch The Notebook. Twenty-one. The number of days it has been since this song with a haunting melody has leaked. Zero. The number of phone calls from Jay. Four. The number of inches of snow that has fallen since breakfast, and all I want to do is help Charlie bundle up Fallon after her nap and go play in it to keep my mind off of stuff. By stuff I mean Jay, because no matter how much work I do, no matter how many times I try and lose myself in a book, my mind returns to that tall, handsome, tattooed boy with the piercing green eyes and killer hair. I’ve tried to move on, but my heart refuses, and if this song means what I think it means… it’s only a matter of time, and even though I told him I wouldn’t, I’d wait a lifetime.
I have not spoken with Jay once since I left the hotel room that morning several months ago, and Charlie doesn’t bring him up to me, other than for work purposes. I know she thinks it’s going to upset me, and it does because I miss him like I’d miss breathing, but it still doesn’t stop me from asking how he is doing. I can’t not know, but the radio silence is unbearable.
I close out of YouTube, and instead, open our budgeting spreadsheets and click print. Charlie and I have been trying to iron out budgets for marketing and promotion for the past few weeks, and I need her approval before I can go ahead an
d start the campaign for the new album that’s coming out next month. Jay used to take care of all of the budgeting, but with the back to back tours and the growing fame, we are learning that it takes an army to run this well-oiled machine.
I grab the sheets off the printer in the office and climb the large wooden staircase to the second floor, trying to avoid the squeakiest boards. We just got Fallon down for a nap after a morning of toddler tantrums, so the last thing I want to do is wake the little monster.
I hear the TV on inside Andrew and Charlie’s large master suite, and give a quick knock before opening the door.
“Hey mama, how you feeling?” I ask, poking my head in. She’s laying in their large upholstered bed, watching Hallmark Christmas movies.
“Ugh, that’s how. This little lady was kicking me in my ribs all morning, but now that she’s stopped, my back is killing me!” she sighs as she sits up. She’s scooting to the edge of the massive bed, when her face contorts in pain.
“Charlie! Are you alright?” I ask frantically.
She breathes rapid, shallow breaths through her clenched teeth, “I don’t think so Leni. It hurts so effing bad. Can you help me to the bathroom? I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Of course!” I say, as I wrap my arms gently around her to help her to her feet as quickly as possible.
“Arghhh.” A strangled cry erupts from her throat as she doubles over and it takes all of my strength to ease her back into the bed so we don’t fall.
“Hang on, you’re ok. I’m going to get the trash can for you, and I’ll call Andrew.” I try and soothe her. I’m reaching for her feet to help position her when I notice her white silk pajamas are stained with red, and not just a little bit. A lot. Fear settles heavy over me as I start to panic, but I know I have to be as calm as I can so I don’t stress her out more.
I start to calmly walk to the bathroom where I’ll place the 9-1-1 call, because even though I’m not a doctor, I know this isn’t good.
“Leni?” she asks voice quivering, and I stop to turn towards her.
“Yeah, hun?” I ask, but the fear on her face slays me.
“Call 9-1-1.” She all but whispers as she holds up a bloodied hand, and I think I might have a heart attack on the spot.
“Shh, stay calm Charlie. You’re going to be fine. I promise.”
I calmly place the call to 9-1-1, and give them as many details as I can. It seriously seems like that is all I do anymore. They might as well just provide me with an express number, for how often in the past few years I’ve used the service. Customer loyalty program, preferred member, right here.
I put the phone on speaker so I can do everything they are telling me, but nothing is helping to slow the apparent contractions Charlie is having, or the heavy flow of blood. Just when I think it can’t get any worse, I hear Fallon begin to cry from down the hall.
“What do I do?” I ask, but I get no response because Charlie is out cold. Whether it’s from the pain, the blood, or a mixture of both, I’ll never know.
I can’t go get Fallon right now with her mother’s blood all over me, and her mommy passed out. What do I do? Luckily I don’t have to wait for an answer too long because I hear the wail of sirens barreling down the street.
Mere minutes later, I’m racing through the massive house alongside the EMT’s towards the front door.
“University Medical! Make sure you page Dr. Andrew Montgomery – he’s her husband and he’s working! Make sure you page him!” I scream after them, and I rush back inside for Fallon.
“Hang on baby girl! Len Len’s coming!” I shout up the steps, trying to reassure her that she hasn’t been forgotten in her room. I do my best to scrub my hands clean in the large kitchen sink, and take the steps two at a time to her room.
She’s sitting in her toddler bed sobbing… “Mama… Mama…” and I scoop her up into my arms, hugging her tight, soaking her hair with my own tears.
“Shhh baby girl, mama’s going to be just fine. I’m right here, baby. We have to get our coats on, so we can go see Daddy.” I say, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible, and it seems to be working because her crying has abated some.
I bundle Fallon up, as much as I can and get her into her car seat before I hop in the driver’s seat and pull out of the garage and into the street, tires sliding.
Snow. Seriousy? I’ve never driven in snow. Ever. I’m from the West coast! Of all the fucking times to learn…I hit the snow mode button on the console, and pray that helps me out.
“Wen Wen, why you crynin’?” Fallon, asks from the backseat.
“I’m scared, sweetheart… I’m so scared.” I tell her honestly.
“It’s otay. You big giwl. Big giwls stwong.” She says, showing me her muscles in the rearview mirror, and telling me what I tell her all the time.
“Yeah, they are baby. That’s why I know it’s going to be ok.” I say, and even though she’s only two, she knew just the right thing to say.
***
Due to the weather, we managed to catch up and pull in right behind Charlie’s ambulance. I quickly park and pull Fallon from the car, and sprint to the automatic sliding doors, fresh snow crunching underneath my feet.
“I’m racing to the desk, when I see Andrew sprinting down the hallway towards us in his lab coat and dark blue scrubs, his eyes wide with fear.
“Leni, where is she? Where’s my wife?” he pleads with tears in his eyes, and my heart breaks for him because I can see the anguish that’s fighting to break free.
“I don’t know! We just got inside.” I cry.
“Dr. Montgomery.” A nurse in Hello Kitty scrubs interrupts. “Your wife is in trauma one.” She says, and he turns to me.
“Call everyone and let them know what’s happening. Daddy loves you Fally.” He chokes before dropping a kiss on Fallon’s cheek and running off after the nurse.
I turn to the nurse at the reception counter and let her know if they could provide us updates it’d be appreciated.
Call everyone. I know who that list entails, and it makes my stomach flip with nerves. I press Jay’s name in my contact list and it rings a few times before going to voicemail. Of course, he wouldn’t answer my call. If he wanted to speak with me, he would have called me months ago, but I swallow my pride and leave a message.
“Jay…” I say, and I can’t hide the fear and uncertainty in my tone. “It’s Leni. I’m not sure what time it is where you are, but we have an emergency. Charlie went into labor early, too early, and it doesn’t look good. She was rushed to University Medical, but I don’t have any details on her or the baby yet. Call me back when you get this. I love…I have to go.” I choke on my words and end the call.
I ignore the fact that I just made a fool of myself and make the other calls I need to make. As I cling to the little girl sitting quietly on my lap, I just pray everything will be ok.
Jay:
I pull the bags from the carousel at baggage claim.
“Jesus B, you think you packed enough hair shit? Next time just shave your head and you won’t have to check a bag for your shampoo.” I say, teasing Brenden and he flips me off.
“This is a masterpiece. It requires maintenance.” He says tugging at the sky high, bleached hair that is crafted into a perfectly spiked mowhawk. Thank goodness he had a seat to himself on our flight from Dusseldorf, otherwise someone probably would have lost an eye.
“It’s about ready to require a pair of hedge trimmers.” Chase mutters under his breath, while he and Aaron pull the remaining suitcases.
Due to some political unrest overseas, our final three shows were cancelled. It was something Charlie had been discussing with us the past few weeks as she kept an eye on the situation. The decision was made for us by the record company yesterday morning, or this morning? I’m not sure what day it is anymore. So here we are a week early, and honestly I cannot wait to get home. Home to my own bed, home to my mom and Charlie, Fallon, heck even Andrew, but most of all Leni. I’m n
ervous as hell, but I think with Charlie’s help we can figure out something special. I’m so close to having her back.
“We have to hurry. The car company is waiting, and according to the traffic app I have, the roads are getting worse since the plows stopped.” Aaron says, checking his phone.
“Jay, have you talked to Charlie today?” Chase asks me, and it dawns on me that I haven’t even received a text from her which is odd considering us coming home and the cancellations.
“You know what? I haven’t. Let me text her real fast. Maybe we can meet at her house and all have dinner or something to catch us up to speed.” I say, digging my phone from my jacket pocket.
I see I have like ten missed calls, a shit ton of texts and two voicemails. One of them stops me. Leni left me a voicemail five minutes ago.
“Hey guys. Hold up for just a second.” I call after my friends, as I hold the phone up to my ear.
I’ve dreamed a hundred dreams to the sound of her voice, but this time it doesn’t warm me like it should. The moment I hear her I know something is wrong, and as I listen to the message play, I’m once again gripped by the clutches of fear.
“You guys, we have to go to the hospital. Now!” I tell the guys who are all still waiting on me. They all answer me with questioning looks, but just follow along instead of objecting.
No one asks any questions until we are securely inside a large SUV headed towards the hospital for what seems like the millionth time.
“Ok, what’s going on this time?” Chase asks.
“Charlie. I had a voicemail from Leni. Charlie went into labor and something isn’t right. Plus, it’s like a month early, so that’s not good.”
“Shit. It’s always something…” Aaron says staring blankly out the window at the snow-covered ground.
“Seems like it.” I respond, and not another word is shared for the rest of the ride.
***
My eyes scan the waiting room, but I don’t find what I’m looking for, or rather, who I’m looking for.
