by Douglas Cobb
"If we want to get their for the opening ceremonies, we have to get a move on!" Hagatha said.
"That's right, a moo-moo-move on!" Lucrieza added. "We don't want to be late!"
"Hop on, Victoria!" Hagatha told me.
"You, too, Short Stuff!" Lucrieza shouted to Prince Alphonse Saed. Saed hopped onto the broomstick behind Lucrieza and clung on for dear life.
"Woo-hoo! I love the night life, baby, to quote the Cars! Let's go!" Hagatha cackled, and we took off into the wide blue yonder.
I didn't have a flight cap nor goggles on, as Hagatha had suggested. I was used to flying. But the Fonz did, and he was rockin' them. It was uncomfortable riding on the broomstick, though. I was afraid I'd be picking splinters out of my butt for weeks. Looking over at Saed, I saw that he got airsick twice and it came back at him, covering him with his own puke. Poor guy!
Lucrieza veered off and flew threw a dark rain cloud to get the vomit off of Saed, complaining of the smell. You'd think that witches would be more tolerant of offending odors, but apparently Lucrieza drew the line at Mountain Lion barf.As we got closer, there were witches on brooms everywhere, blotting out the sky like swarms of locusts! I noticed that scattered through them were ones dressed in scarlet, just like Wendy the Good Witch from the comics and movies. I had a feeling that they were not at all good witches, though, and quite likely were agents of SNURFLES! I could feel it in my bones that they were up to no good, and were there to possibly sabotage the Pre-Halloween Convention and ruin Halloween for everyone.
When we got off the broomsticks, Hagatha and Lucrieza told us that if we got lost, we could easily find them by following the scent of burnt wormwood, which they liked to apply behind their ears to both attract eligible warlocks and to keep away the mosquitoes. Saed had to pee, and immediately hiked his leg on the nearest tree. Unfortunately, the "tree," was really a warlock's leg, and he was not happy about his pee-soaked pants leg! We apologized to him, but he was not amused, and stormed off, grumbling something about "That's why more dogs aren't familiars!" and "They ought to be boiled in oil!" Some people get so huffy about the tiniest things.....
Feedback erupted from the loudspeakers as the Mistress of Ceremonies addressed the crowd. Everyone's voice was silenced to hear her momentous words.
"Witches, warlocks, wizards; ghouls, ghosts, and familiars; let me welcome you to the first annual Pre-Halloween Convention! Besides this being a time to get together, have fun, and renew old acquaintances, we have a decision to make. That is, should we show our support to the evil organization SNURFLES (I see by the decision of many of you to wear scarlet tonight that your minds are already made up) or, should we continue on with our tradition of being independent free-thinkers, and cause mischief and havoc in our own ways?"Wicca (pardon the pun) way should we choose? There's a ballot box on the table with the snacks and punch, and as you get refreshments throughout tonight's festivities you can also vote and hopefully we will know by the end of this Pre-Halloween Convention your decision.
"Familiars, don't forget to sign up for the Familiars Talent Show, which will start at one o'clock! There will be trophies for the top three performances!"
That was one show I sure wasn't going to sign up for! Not that I'm not a good singer--I have many hit rap and hip-hop records that have been at the top of the Pterodactyl Song Charts and have been on the cover of the Rolling Bones magazine four times--but tonight, I wanted to keep everything down-low, and not draw too much attention to ourselves.
Fonzie strolled up to me with a smirk on his face. "Yo, Lily-Girl!" he said. "Guess what? I signed us both up for the Familiars Talent Show! We're the last act! With your voice, and my style and looks, we're going to win us a trophy, and not just any trophy, but the 1st. Place one!"
"But, Alphonse Fonzie-Fonz, we're here to find out more about SNURFLES and why they're interested in getting the witches on their side, and now, we're also here to make sure that the election goes our way! We have to get to that ballot box and stuff it as full as we can with ballots! 'No!' to SNURFLES!"
"Aaaay!" Alphonse said. "Don't be such a wet blanket about the contest, though! The SNURFLES are interested in getting the witches to join them obviously to make them even more powerful, so they can come closer to defeating PAWS--though that will never happen--and we have plenty of time to both rig the election and perform in the show!"
"Well, I guess so, but what will we sing?"
We spent the next half-hour deciding what to sing, eating snacks and drinking punch, mingling with everybody and trying to ask subtle questions to give us an idea which way the majority of the witches would vote. Some examples of these were us asking: "Which way are you going to vote?" "You're not going to vote for those bums, SNURFLES, right?" and "All the cool witches are voting against supporting SNURFLES. You're a cool witch, right?"
Despite our cleverly thought-up questions, though, the election seemed as if it'd be too close to call. That's why we had Hagatha and Lucrieza magically change our appearances every few minutes so we could walk up and add our votes to the box, to shift the election to our side.
All too soon, it was one o'clock, and the Familiars Talent Show began. There were the usual sorts of acts you see at such shows, like juggling, ventriloquism, fire eating, pulling top hats out of the mouths of rabbits, creating tears in the fabric of reality, stuff like that. Bor-ing! Yawn! And then, finally, it was our turn.
First, we did a medley of duets by Beyonce and Jay Z. That got the crowd to clapping and stomping their feet. Then, we sang "So What?" by Pink, and closed with "Fly Away," by Lenny Kravitz. It's an older song, but appropriate as one to send the witches back to their gingerbread homes and dank caves with
We won the 1st. Place trophy, just as that fortune-telling Prince Alphonse Saed said we would! The applause was practically deafening. Also, the final count of the ballots determined that the witches would remain independent and not team up with SNURFLES! Yes! Score one for the "Good Guys"!
The ride home was bumpy, and our behinds we sore when we landed. We went with Lucrieza to drop Alphonse off, and I let him have the trophy. I wasn't about to drag a three-foot-tall trophy into my house and then try to explain where it came from in the morning! Alphonse had the gift of gab, of convincing anybody of almost anything, so I wasn't worried that he would have any trouble. I just wanted to get home to my nice, warm bed!
Upon landing at my house, I thanked Hagatha and bid her goodbye, and watched as she took off. I was certain that there would be many reports of UFOs that would fill the newspapers in the morning, and be talked about on the Good Morning, Centralia! program. I tapped three times against the door, and Triple Q let me in, and soon I was snoozing in my and Celeste's bed. It had been a looong night, but I had lots of fun, and at least had partially made up for things like allowing The Scarlet One to escape.
It seemed to me that the alarm went off not more than an hour later. I didn't want to get up, but Celeste tugged at the blankets and I slowly stretched and jumped to the floor. I really felt like getting right back into bed, but I wanted to say "Good morning!" to Celeste and tell her what had happened.
After I was through relating the events of the past night, Celeste had an incredulous look on her face.
"Oh, Lily-Bear!" she said. "You were here all night, Lily, tossing and turning and trying to steal the covers!"
"No, really," I spluttered, "I won the 1st. Place trophy at the Familiars Talent Show with Prince Alphonse Saed! I cna't show you the trophy, because it's at Saed's house, but I really did win, and we stopped the witches from siding with SNURFLES!"
"Sure, you did, Lily-Bear!" Celeste said, though for some reason I think say may have been just humoring me. She had to get ready to go to school, and didn't have time to talk any more. I couldn't wait to tell her more about what happened when she returned. Whether or not anyone else believed me, I knew the truth.
Chapter Six
Almost the Last
Halloween--Ever
I s
at on the ground underneath an old apple tree in the backyard early one evening about a week before Halloween, watching Quentin Quintilius Quince pulling apples off of the branches and placing them in a basket. Triple Q could hold an apple in his hands, and twist it, and split it cleanly in two, without damaging either half. I don't know how he could accomplish this amazing feat, or if involved more strength than dexterity, or just the correct combination of both; but, it amazed me every time I saw him do it. He would then take his pocket knife and cut it into crisp delicious slices, and often sprinkle them with salt to bring out the flavor even more.
"Here you go, Lily! Want a slice?" Quentin asked me, and held one in his hand for me to snatch if I wanted it. I did, and I took it. Sure, I'm a big, bad, meat-eating dinosaur, but ripe Fuji apples right off the tree are Da Bomb, and I couldn't resist. I was eagerly anticipating when Clare would later use some of them to make yummy candied, caramel, and baked apples filled with raisins and cinnamon, and also Dutch apple pie with vanilla ice cream and--to drink--what else but apple cider?
Little did I know at the time that this year's Halloween was almost the last Halloween, ever, in more ways than one, for myself and Celeste. She still would go out Trick-or-Treating with her friends, but she was at that bittersweet time of her life when she knew that she'd almost gotten to be too old for Trick-or-Treating. She recognized that this Halloween was special, in that it was one of the last times she'd Trick-or-Treat.
Celeste was getting older, and so was I; I was no longer the tender innocent hatchling I once was, with my beak always open, begging for food. I still enjoyed pigging out now and then; but I didn't demand food 24/7 like I did when I was freshly hatched. Celeste might tell you differently, though, if you ever meet her.
Clare had carved two Jack O'Lanterns, one of Steve Colbert, star of The Colbert Report, and one of me. She had won money in pumpkin carving contests before, taking first place for one of George W. Bush a couple of years ago. She was a wiz with the pumpkin carving tools, a regular Renoir. And the smells of roasting pumpkin seeds and baking pumpkin pies afterwards...talk about Heaven on Earth!
This year, I was going with Celeste Trick-or-Treating! I figured I could combine my love for calorie-filled oh so sweet candy with a thorough neighborhood SNURFLES patrol. I would be able to find out which houses were hotbeds of criminal activities, and carefully note them in my steel-trap mind to recall later when I was patrolling by myself later that night. I've heard it said on the Monty Python show that: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" but I'd make sure that a hundred years from now, people instead would be saying: "Nobody expects PAWS!"
Celeste was going to dressed like Dorothy, and I, of course, would be Toto. I don't look especially like Toto, being a pterodactyl and all, though I am mostly black. My legs are somewhat longer, I have scales and am not fluffy, but I guess from a distance when I'm clouding peoples' minds, I resemble Toto closely enough to make the Dorothy costume work well enough for Celeste (I hope so; she deserves to have a good time).
Some people at the Centralia Dog Park have even called me "That Toto dog," in the past. Some of the remarks were not as complimentary as others; people can be so rude sometimes, saying things like: "Won't someone shut that Toto dog up?" and: "Ouch! I hope that Toto dog has had its rabies shots!"
When Halloween dawned, I was busy, outside, "watering the flowers," if you get my drift. Triple Q was with me, getting some of the last hot peppers of Arkansas' long growing season from the garden. He loved making homemade salsa, the hotter the better. Triple Q's "Muy Caliente Bhut Jolokia Salsa" was legendary at the Arkansas State Fair, winning blue ribbons three years in a row and blistering the mouths of many judges.
The day seemed to drag, as days do when you're anxious for them to be over because there's something exciting that's going to happen later. It's like time slows down, though it always seemed to me that the fun things like weekends and time with your friends seemed to pass by way to quickly. Maybe that's what Einstein meant by his Theory of Relativity, that the length of time was relative to the boring or fun nature of the time. Or, maybe not.
That night, Quentin went with us, watching as parents do from the sidewalks in front of the houses we Trick-or-Treated at, to make sure we were safe. This was kind of like I and the other members of PAWS did every day. I saw strangers and dangers and dangerous strangers all around us, and I kept them at bay with my ferocious roaring. It deeply offended me whenever parents who answered the doors said that I looked "cute," when I so obviously resembled nothing more than a winged Bringer of Vengeance! I had to keep telling myself that they didn't know any better, because I had distorted and molded their perceptions to make them think I resembled a terrier; but, it was hard to strike fear in criminals' (be they SNURFLES or otherwise) hearts when you looked like a cuddly fur-ball.
There were kids, teens, and even adults dress in some scary and disturbing costumes roaming the neighborhood. For instance, there were multitudes of Johnny Depps dressed as pirates with scarlet Macaws on their shoulders. There were people dress as hockey players from the Mighty Ducks, baseball players from the Bad News Bears, and members of the Jamaican Bobsled Team. There were Shreks and Fionas, Pocahanteses (or is that "Pocahanti"?), Peter Pans, Wendys, Cinderellas, and Snow Whites. There were also terrifying zombie Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyruses looming out of the darkness, and, perhaps most frightening of all, zombie Justin Beibers crooning "Maybe Baby," as they lurched about in apparent agony.
"Bwa-ack!" I heard from somewhere in the midst of a horde of Johnny Depps. "Lily's bad! Lily's bad! Dead meat! Bwa-ack!"
Could it be that even while we were trying to have a nice, fun-filled Happy Halloween, that we were not safe from being harassed by SNURFLES? I jumped out of the picnic basket Celeste was carrying me in and gave chase. The madness of the night got even madder. Gingerbread men and ladies scattered before my battle charge, and Princess Ariels and King Tritons parted like the Red Sea. Celeste was chasing after me, crying for me to stop and come back to her, but I was determined to catch Frankie and make him pay for trying to ruin Celeste's Halloween.
"I'm over here!" I heard from nearby on my right.
"No, I'm over here!" came a parroty-sounding voice to my left.
I didn't know which way to go. I'd been so positive of where the bird was, but now it seemed to me as if Frankie's voice was coming from everywhere. I was getting mixed up and confused, a state that is very rare for me to be in. If I could not trust my finely honed razor-sharp intellect and instincts, what could I trust?
Celeste had almost caught up to where I was in the middle of the road. She was still frantically calling my name, and trying to get me to listen to her, but I was using my ears to narrow down where Frankie might be and pinpoint his location. Triple Q was chasing after Celeste and myself, shouting both of our names. Combined with all of the other noises and excitement around us, it was very chaotic, indeed. That is why I didn't notice the red truck speeding toward us until a saw it out of the corner of my eye.
"Celeste! Be careful!" I roared.
I could her Triple Q yelling, "Get out of the way!" to Celeste. Instead of slowing down, the truck seemed to be picking up speed, and it was barreling down on us.
I didn't care if the truck hit me. I just wanted Celeste to not get hurt. I ran towards her, and she was bending over to get me. Then, she turned her head, and saw the truck not more than ten feet away from squashing the both of us. I leaped at her, and knocked her down but out of the truck's path, with seconds to spare. My heart was pounding like a bass drum.
"Celeste! Lily! Are you okay?" Quentin worriedly asked us, hugging his daughter to him. Celeste was crying, and had a skinned knee.
"I was, until Lily went wild and ran off, and then knocked me down!" Celeste said to her father.
"That crazy maniac in the scarlet truck tried to kill you!" he went on. "Lily was bad to run off, but she saved your life, Celeste! She knocked you down, but all you ended up with was a skinned knee! I
t could have been lots worse! Your dog is a genuine heroine!"
If I could have blushed, I would have. But, really, in honesty, it would be more because I was ashamed at having risked Celeste's life just because a crazy member of SNURFLES was harassing me and deliberately leading me and Celeste into a very dangerous trap. I should have been more careful, and not let myself get swept up in the moment. Being vigilant and keeping the neighborhood and the world safe was important, but so was the life of my best-est friend. I don't think life would have been worth living if I had been responsible for her getting ran over because I wasn't paying attention to what was really important--making sure that Celeste was safe from danger.
"Oh, Lily!" Celeste said, hugging me. "You really are a heroine!"
I licked her face joyfully, happy that she wasn't mad at me any longer. The police and an ambulance arrived soon after, and Quentin gave the policeman a description of the truck, but he hadn't got its license number because he was more worried about how Celeste was. The paramedics examined Celeste, but she told them she was okay, and she didn't seem to have any broken bones, so they decided they didn't have to take her to the hospital.
When we got home, Clare was frantic when Triple Q and Celeste told her what had happened, and she gave Celeste a big hug, also. Then, when she heard that I had knocked Celeste out of the way of the speeding truck, she gave me a big hug, too!
Sometimes, I like to think of myself as a heroine. Sometimes, I am one. But, that Halloween, which was almost the very last one ever, which luckily wasn't, was not a night that I was a heroine, just a pterodactyl who had made yet another stupid mistake that had almost cost her best-est friend her life. I felt a warm glow inside, though, knowing that at least I had helped to save Celeste's life, even though I had been the one who had put it in a dangerous situation in the first place. Hooray, me....
