by Douglas Cobb
Celeste made a fantastic-looking snowman, and a snow pterodactyl next to it. Of course, she couldn't make the snow pterodactyl life-sized, because there wouldn't have been enough snow in the front yard to do that. Still, it looked pretty cool. I had a great time, but being a cold-blooded creature, I didn't really like being outside for too long, and I roared to be let inside before I got frostbite. Let's face it, icicles dangling from one's beak is not the most attractive sight in the world. It wouldn't do to have the paparazzi put a picture of that on the cover of PG (Pterodactyl Glamor) magazine!
I'd already done most of my Christmas shopping, and had some of the gifts wrapped up under the tree, and some still in a storeroom in the CHASE underground complex. I believe in going whole hog with my gift-buying--after all, you can't take it with you! I hoped that Celeste, Triple Q, Clare, and the members of PAWS would like the stuff I had bought for them. 'Tis better to give than to receive, though I really loved getting presents, too!
There was one thing that annoyed me, though, and got my pterodactyl-senses tingling: that was the bell-ringing people standing at the entrances of stores by large red kettles into which they expected you drop donations. Now, I believe in giving to charities as much as the next pterodactyl does (if not more so), but something about this whole bell-ringing business made me suspicious.
I have nothing against the Salvation Army, who have a similar method of soliciting donations; but, these particular bell-ringers weren't involved with that worthy charity. Instead, they seemed to be in direct competition with them, even throwing snowballs at them to drive them away from prime territory they had staked out for their own. On their kettles, they had cartoon pictures of scarlet Macaws and red pandas, with the motto on a sign that read: "Donate Your Green To Spread Brotherhood And Make The World A Richer And Greener Place."
I am all for both "Brotherhood," and "Going Green," to make the world a better place to live in, but I also knew that many unscrupulous criminal types used this concept to scam people out of their hard-earned green. The only "Place," that I felt these bell-ringers would make "Richer And Greener," was their own pocketbooks! But, they seemed to be playing on the sympathies of many Christmas shoppers passing by, who would contribute generously and drop sometimes several dollars into the red kettles. I would always save my change for the Salvation Army kettles, but unfortunately, many shoppers would ignore them, and only put their cash into the other kettles, those of the Scarlet & Green Macaw Marines.
It was just two weeks before Christmas, and the following day, Celeste walked me on a leash, accompanied by her parents, who were gazing in at various store displays. The Scarlet & Green Marines were stationed near the entrances of every store, and people dropped money into their red kettles, almost as if they were--hypnotized by the rhythmic pealing of the bells. And then, little elves costumed in scarlet and green elf clothes appeared from somewhere and started to sing and dance. And, one of the only things that made me practically as angry as SNURFLES were elves, for some odd reason. These elves, while acting cheerful and merry, bothered me perhaps more so than any other elves I'd seen to date, and their obnoxious song didn't help, either:
Sing and dance,
Dance and sing,
We are the elves of scarlet and green;
Hiding out in cupboards,
Sneaking out unseen,
We are the elves,
We are the elves,
Of the Scarlet and Green Marines!
Oh, coming down your chimneys,
Kicking down your doors,
Kicking your shins and knees,
Knocking you down, to the floor;
We are the elves,
We are the elves,
That you simply can't ignore!
Do yourselves a favor,
And donate freely from the heart,
Don't hesitate nor waiver,
For we will finish what you start;
We are the elves,
Who'll enter your houses unseen--
We are the elves,
Of the Scarlet and Green Marines!
People everywhere within hearing distance cheered and clapped at their antics, their cartwheels, flips, and head-stands, seemingly not listening to the actual words the little beggars were singing; but, I was, and I didn't like it nor their supposedly charming dance routine. I roared repeatedly, though because of the shape I projected into peoples' minds, and their altered perceptions, it likely sounded more like a series of rapid yaps.
"Celeste," I said, "don't you hear their words and realize what the elves are saying?" But, my words fell on deaf ears, for Celeste was grinning at the elves' shenanigans and clapping and cheering as much as anyone else.
I roared to get her attention once again, and this time, I lightly nipped at her right hand, but not enough to break the skin or hurt her. Finally, my efforts broke whatever spell the cursed elves had her under, and I managed to get her to listen to what I said.
"Those elves are nothing but thieves!" I said. "They admit as much in the song they're singing, if you pay attention to their words!"
"Oh, Lily!" Celeste said, "Get into the Christmas spirit, and stop being so grumpy! They're just harmless Santa's elves!"
"Those are no elves of Santa's!" I said. "Not unless Santa suddenly turned from being a kind, jolly, saintly, gift-giving guy into a force of evil, into a--into a--member of SNURFLES! You're not saying that Santa is a member of SNURFLES, are you, Celeste? Celeste?" I had lost her attention once again, as the elves recommenced their dancing and singing.
Sing and dance,
Dance and sing,
We are the elves
Of scarlet and green;
We're the Oompah-Loompahs
Of your shopping malls
With pointy, pointy ears and
Pointy-toed shoes
With little scarlet balls;
How many times must we sing it,
To get our point across--
Give us your green, green money,
We really mean it,
From the bottoms
Of our elvish evil hearts--
We are the elves,
We are the elves,
Of the Scarlet and Green Marines!
I tugged and yanked at my leash and roared, trying to get Celeste's attention; but, then the elves stopped singing and dancing and doing their acrobatic tricks and bowed. They received thunderous applause, and the red kettles soon became filled up with the generous donations of the crowd.
It was like a magic spell had been lifted--after the elves stopped, Triple Q and Clare each dropped several dollars into the kettle before them, and we walked onwards. I had faith in Celeste, but faith alone was not enough to prevent what had happened from happening again if Celeste was around the elves. For me to be able to count on the latest Honorary Member of PAWS, my best-est friend, when we next confronted the elves, I'd have to come up with a potent counter-measure to the elves' hypnotic hijinks.
SNURFLES somehow got a splinter group of evil elves on their side to bilk the unwitting population of Centralia out of their money. It's a fantastic thing when people give money to those in need out of the generosity of their hearts, but SNURFLES and the hordes of evil elves of scarlet and green, who together made up the so-called Scarlet and Green Marines, were only interested in using the money they collected to enrich themselves and make their organization stronger.
When we returned, the snowman and snow pterodactyl seemed to look at me accusingly, silently asking me why I hadn't done anything more to shut down the latest scheme of SNURFLES. I didn't have much to say in my defense, if the ears I would address could even actually hear my words; I hadn't wanted to blow my cover, and I had no evidence, except that of my own eyes. Tomorrow would be a different story.
"Celeste," I said when we were inside, "what was the song about that the elves were singing?"
"You were there--you heard it--why should I tell you what you already heard?" Celeste asked.
"Humor
me, please--tell me what they were singing about, in your own words."
"Well," she said, "just stuff about brotherhood, making the world a greener place, and that everyone should contribute generously, that's all. Why do you ask?"
"Celeste, you probably won't believe me, but the elves you and your parents saw were evil, and when they sang about the Scarlet and Green Marines, they were singing about an organization the elves formed in conjunction with SNURFLES!" I said.
"You must not have heard them right, Lily!" Celeste protested. "They were so cheerful and they put on a good acrobatic show, and they were putting all of those holiday shoppers in a merry mood! What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing, if they were normal elves--whatever normal is, for elves--but just think back, and tell me what you saw on the bell-ringers' kettles, Celeste, before you dismiss what I'm saying!"
"Hmm...well, if I remember correctly, I have to admit, the pictures on the red kettles were suspicious.... The animals were the spitting images of Frankie, the Macaw you call The Scarlet One, and the red panda who stayed at our house for a brief time, General Yao Xing!"
"Yes, and have you ever read about or heard about the Scarlet and Green Marines before? It's just another way of saying that the scarlet-colored SNURFLES and the green-clad elves, who, as I said, are evil, have formed an alliance! They must be stopped, and we will be the stoppers--er--the ones to stop up the stoppees--what I mean to say, is we will be the ones to put an end to their most recent nefarious scheme!"
The first solution to come to my mind was simple: just have Celeste wear earplugs, so that she wouldn't fall prey to the Siren song of the evil elves. However, while she wouldn't succumb to their music and become hypnotized, she also wouldn't be able to hear their actual words, so it might be that she would always doubt me. I had to dream up an alternate solution, but what?
I hypothesized that the hypnotic effect was accomplished not by the actual words the elves sang, but by the frequency at which they sang them, and perhaps the rhythmic cadence they used. So, if Celeste would wear headphones that would filter out higher frequencies, and make the elves' songs sound like they were sang in a lower frequency, that might work!
The next day, Celeste took me for a walk again, this time wearing the special headphones. When the elves started to sing, the expression on her face was one of shock and surprise. She was hearing the elves' actual words for the first time, and she found it difficult to believe her own ears! Now that Celeste knew the danger the Scarlet and Green Marines posed, we had to round up the rest of PAWS and once again work as a team to defeat SNURFLES.
"Prince Alphonse Saed," I said. "Your job is to use your skills at charming snakes to lure as many of them as you can into this large wicker basket. Venomous, non-venomous--use your own judgment!
"Lucy Marmoset Higgins, you will use this other, somewhat larger basket, to trap the evil elves, so we can cart them off and see that justice is done!
"And, last but not least, Fuzzy Wally MacGee, you will do what you do best, and Distract the elves from their singing and dancing as much as possible, to hopefully break the hypnotic hold they have on the throngs of shoppers. Then, perhaps everyone will hear what the elves are really singing about, and will finally realize they've been scammed!"
We waited impatiently while Fonz searched for snakes. Every once in a while, we could hear the haunting melody he played on his special flute, calling the serpents from their hiding places. In about a half hour, he returned with the basket, and PAWS was off. Celeste and the other members of PAWS had headphones on, and she held all five leashes, as she always does when walking us as a part of her job. It was a pleasant, crisp day, and we had gotten two more inches of snow overnight.
The bell-ringers were at their usual places, and a crowd of shoppers were gathering. It didn't take long before the elves came out from wherever they kept themselves, and began to sing and dance yet again. That was Fuzzy Wally MacGee's cue to stagger awkwardly towards them, eyes bulging and tongue hanging out, zig-zagging between them like they were plastic pylons in an obstacle course. The elf who was attempting a handstand was knocked over, and two elves who had been doing cartwheels ran into each other. They started to get frustrated, and splutter, and forget the words to their song. "Get that stupid dog!" one of the elves said. He knelt down, made a snowball, and threw it at Fuzzy, but the Distractor dodged out of the way, using his rugby skills to full advantage.
"Whiff!" Fuzzy Wally MacGee said. "I'm too fast for you, little man!"
Then, two of the elves on either side of him, armed with snowballs, threw them at the same time. Fuzzy Wally MacGee darted his head both ways. I was positive that at least one of the snowballs would peg him, but he displayed amazing dexterity for a rhino and leapt into the air, gazelle-like, deftly avoiding the projectiles. Fast as he was, though, I knew it was only a matter of time until he'd get hit, so I gave the signal for Fonzie to release the snakes from their basket.
"Only three of them?" I asked.
"It is wintertime, you know," the Prince said in his defense. "Snakes are kind of sluggish now, and these were the only ones I could convince on short notice to waken from their hibernation. Better three than none!"
"Okay, okay," I said. "Don't get mad about it--you did a great job!" Indeed, he had done a great job, for the elves and the bell-ringers (not to mention many of the shoppers) were deathly afraid of snakes, apparently, and tried to get away from them as quickly as possible.
"Lucy! Grab them before they escape!" I cried, and she and I chased after the four elves and Celeste splatted them with snowballs, heading them our way. We caught the elves and plopped them one-by-one into the basket, where they squirmed and thrashed and said naughty four-letter-words that no self-respecting elf should say.
Prince Alphonse Saed used his flute again to call the snakes back to him. When the serpents responded to their summons, he grabbed them and put them into the nearest basket he could find--which just so happened to be the one containing the four elves, instead of the one he'd brought them in, which lay on its side a few yards away.
The struggling and thrashing about inside the basket increased a hundredfold when the snakes plopped in. The elves didn't like their new traveling companions, and their combined efforts were too much for the basket. They broke out of it, and ran off as fast as their tiny legs could go, shouting: "No amount of money is worth getting treated like that!" and "One of those dogs was foaming at the mouth!"
It's amazing what havoc a small tube of toothpaste can cause! And, I have minty-fresh breath, too! We had bested SNURFLES again, but I somehow doubted that it would be the last we'd meet before Christmas. At least I, Celeste, and the rest of PAWS had put an end to the visions of dancing scarlet SNURFLES that had been transforming my dreams into nightmares for the time being.
Christmas was almost here, the season of giving! We made sure that the Scarlet and Green Marines would be doing no more taking, any time soon, and that the money that kind people wished to donate would now go to worthy causes, instead of to greedy evil elves and SNURFLES. I was proud of Celeste's role, and I knew it had not been a mistake when I had invited her to be an Honorary Member of PAWS and confided in her about my origins.
Now, after the day's adventures, I could hardly wait to get home and relax. Celeste often asked me in the past why I seemed so tired and slept a lot. I don't think she really believed me when I told her that I was making the neighborhood a safer place, and flying around the world to turn back time, which I had done one more than one occasion, in order to prevent something terrible from happening. But, maybe now, having experienced a tiny taste of what it's like to live in my day-to-day reality, she would at least consider the possibility that what I had told her was true. Maybe not; Rome wasn't built in a day.
Chapter Thirteen
A Blue Christmas
I am a rock and roll kind of gal, but I do get into the blues sometimes, too. It is, after all, an American style of music, and is a large part of Rock's he
ritage. The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and Led Zep, and Cream are just a few of the many bands that started their careers playing blues, and were deeply influenced by the blues. Elvis Presley made a career out of singing old blues songs (well, and gospel and country standards), and giving them a rock beat and feel.
Even though I'd heard Elvis singing "Blue Christmas" before, I had never really given the lyrics to the song much thought. I've felt sad, of course, in my life; but I don't believe I'd ever felt so down and low that I'd come close to approaching the feelings of loneliness and despair that many blues greats have sang about.
What a strange combination, I thought: the blues and Christmas--though, unfortunately, not everyone around the world and in America always has a fantastic, joyous Christmas. To many people, it's either just another day, or they're going through a miserable part of their lives. Blah, I'm beginning to depress myself. All I need is a harmonica and a pair of lips to play it with, and I'd be ready to play the blues.
But, one glance at the Christmas tree, with the beautiful decorations and multicolored lights, and the piles of presents underneath it, helped to bring back my Christmas cheer. Call me shallow, I guess....
Still, I was rather proud that several of the presents under the tree were ones I bought for the Quinces. I was happy that they considered me to be a part of their family. Triple Q liked hip hop, rap, punk, classic rock; but he also liked the music of Johnny Cash, so one of the gifts I bought him was the complete Johnny Cash catalogue of CDs. Cash was an Arkansas native, which was another thing about him Triple Q liked. Clare enjoyed watching The Closer and Army Wives, so I had bought her the complete series of both of those programs. Celeste liked British comedies, so I bought her The Full Bouquet (which the complete collection of Keeping Up Appearances is called) and every season of the Mr. Bean series.
