by Douglas Cobb
"Do you at least think that he might buy us a bunch of bananas as a reward for stopping him from being kidnaped?" asked Lucy.
"If he doesn't, I will, just for you being you!" I told her.
"We can make our plans later," Shane said. "For now, let's just get back to our own dimension and time!" And, we did.
Let me tell you, getting sticky maple syrup off of myself and Fuzzy wasn't very fun, though, either for us nor Celeste. It somehow can get into the most unusual places.
Chapter Nineteen
Double the Bono,
Double the Fun
Triple Q was busy these days, not only with the usual duties and meetings that are a part of the job of being a mayor, but with trying to ensure that this year's Centralia's St. Patrick's Day Parade and celebrations would go off without a hitch. He still managed to maintain his good mood, though, despite dealing with the many details that are involved in arranging for huge events like parades to look as if they are seamless, and like they have happened without any effort.
There were green shamrocks everywhere you went in Centralia and people wore green hats. You could buy plastic shillelaghs in novelty stores like Nick and Nora's Infinite Novelties ("Novelties Fit For Human Consumption") and green frosted cakes and cookies at Eternity On Your Thighs and other, dare I say it, lesser bakeries in Centralia. You could get your hair frosted green too, or get shamrock or Leprechaun tattoos. CNN did a story on Centralia, saying it was a city that really knew what it meant to "Go Green in a big way," according to the reporter.
As St. Patrick's Day loomed ever closer, I, Celeste, her Great Uncle Shane, and he rest of PAWS refined our strategy to prevent one of Ireland's (for better or worse) best-known international singers, Bono, from getting kidnaped, and also from getting the solid gold hearts stolen. It would take a highly coordinated team effort, military-like precision, and probably the most important ingredient: plenty of dumb luck.
One more ingredient it would take that fortunately already was in Triple Q's closet: a black leather Duster. Comparing online photos of Bono with Celeste's Great Uncle, she noticed that the resemblance between them was startling. Shane was much shorter, but if he stood on Lucy's mighty shoulders, wearing the Duster to disguise the fact that what people were seeing was actually a Leprechaun on the shoulders of an orangutan, he would look like he could be Bono's twin brother, if he had one.
On St. Patrick's Day, it would be a simple matter of arranging that the real Bono would be "unavoidably detained" and a switch was made. We would make sure that the real Bono would not be able to make this particular performance, at least not until the situation was safe for him to do so without fear of being kidnaped. Our double of Bono would be the one who would face any potential danger and we would be there to foil the schemes of our foes. As to how we would protect the gold hearts, as well...you'll just have to keep on reading to find out.
In his honor, the first float in the parade that St. Patrick's Day played the song "Low" by T.Pain and Flo Rida that has the famous lines about the jeans called "Apple Bottom Jeans," but the lyrics were changed to "Melon Bottom Jeans." Quentin was the honorary King of the parade, just like at Mardi Gras, and Clare, Celeste, and myself got primo grandstand seats. It was a glorious spring day, and the floats and marching bands were truly spectacular to behold.
Maybe the saying is true that "Everyone's Irish on St. Patty's Day." I sort of felt like I was Irish, but maybe it had something to do with the green toenail polish Celeste had painted my talons with, and the green hat she'd strapped to my head. But, it was also the pride I felt swelling in my heart in my adopted family and city.
I could feel electricity in the air, and it wasn't just the fact that Celeste was rubbing green balloons on me and sticking them to me that caused it. I was very anxious about the concert that night, so though I enjoyed the parade, I didn't have my entire mind on watching it.
"Celeste, quit sticking balloons on me!" I said under my breath.
"But you look so cute with balloons covering you, Lily!"
"You say the sweetest things, Cel, but I look like a dork, chica!" I said. "You're publically embarrassing me here!"
"Ooooh, Lily--check it out! The next float has Leprechauns on it!" she said.
They weren't just any Leprechauns, oh no; they were the evil Leprechauns that had worked with SNURFLES and the scarlet Mafia to tie myself and Fuzzy up! And they had a routine they'd choreographed, in which they sang, danced, and pointed their fingers at people in the crowd. They'd call for someone to come up and perform with them for a while, before moving on. They pointed at Celeste and me, and we hesitantly walked towards the float. I was roaring the entire way, and growled at any Leprechaun who tried to get near me.
Deadly, deadly Leprechauns
We are the deadly Leprechauns
Destroy your city and then we're gone,
We are the deadly Leprechauns!
Hurricanes ain't got nothin' on us
We'll blow your city into dust!
All your gold will be ours instead,
We'll leave your hearts filled with dread!
Deadly, Deadly Leprechauns
We are the deadly Leprechauns
Turning those smiles upside down,
We are the deadly Leprechauns!
They punched and kicked us while we were on the float with them, but made it appear as if they were pulling their punches. They acted like it was a slapstick routine they did with everyone they chose to come up with them, when really they were bullying us. If we had fought back, we would seem to be the ones ruining the fun of the parade. Just like with the evil elves and their song, the words didn't register with the crowd as being anything other than charming and cute.
They tried to keep us on the float for a couple more stanzas, but Celeste and I broke away from their gasping hands and climbed down the ladder at the side of the float.
"We're ya goin so soon?" the nearest one said, as we were leaving.
"That's right, run!" another one yelled at us. That's just a taste of the Deluxe Pain Sandwich we're going to deliver to ya later! It might be hard to eat it without teeth, though!"
I tried to get at him, but Celeste held onto the leash firmly. I didn't care if there was hundreds of thousands of people in the crowd. Like Billy Bob Thornton's character in Sling Blade, "I just saw red." But, I wasn't about to let everyone see me in my true form as a pterodactyl--seeing me like that might start a riot, and people might get trampled to death trying to escape. The entire St. Patrick's Day Parade and Triple Q's reputation might be ruined if that happened. But, there was always later...and I'd be the one making the 'Deluxe Pain Sandwiches,' not eating them.
As we reseated ourselves, I stared at the last Leprechaun who had spoken, and (somehow) the top of his hat caught fire. When the others pointed at him and began laughing, he ripped it off his head angrily and stomped on it, jumping up and down to put the fire out. Accidents happen...
****
It was 7:30. The U2 concert was scheduled to begin at eight. The sushi I had sent to Bono had been Stage One of my plan. It had gone slightly past its expiration date, and when Bono rushed to the bathroom as a result, Celeste and Alphonse were ready with the rolls of pennies I'd brought along to penny him into it.
"What's goin' on out there?" we heard a muffled voice saying from inside the bathroom, but then he sadly succumbed to further stomach spasms and was unable to say any more for a while.
Stage Two then commenced. Celeste's Great Uncle Shane O'Finnagan was hoisted onto Lucy's shoulders, and when he was in place, Celeste put the Duster on them and buttoned it. She then got Bono's guitar and, standing on a chair, put the strap over Shane's shoulders. Luckily, he was a fan of U2's and an expert guitar player, so he knew how to play all of the songs on that night's playlist. The Edge, the group's bass player, said: "What's wrong with your throat, mate? Comin' down with a cold?"
Shane said "Atchoo!" and then held his hand to his throat and mumbled: "Just a touch of a s
ore throat. A cuppa tea should do the trick."
"Well, I hope so! The show's in less than fifteen minutes--this is cuttin' it close!" The Edge said, pouring his band mate some tea.
The door then burst open, and Frankie, several scarlet Macaw SNURFLES, and ten Leprechauns loudly entered the room.
"Alright, boys, grab the dude in the black Duster!" Frankie Sinister shouted. "The sooner we get him, the sooner we can be livin' in the lap of luxury!"
That's when I pushed the button that opened up the trap door that sent Frankie and his thugs and the Leprechauns down into the concert hall's basement. Quentin had police posted there, just to be on the safe side, after a "concerned citizen" had called in a potential kidnaping threat to Bono.
Frankie and his pals would be jail birds from now on, for the next few years, at any rate.
Celeste told The Edge and her Dad where the real Bono was, after she'd made sure that Shane and Lucy were headed for the parking lot where Shane had his Mini Cooper parked. Bono somehow carried on like the trooper he is, and put on an excellent show, from what I saw on the Channel 5 News with Link Dinkerson later that night.
But, that was later. For now, Stage Four of my plan was set into motion.
I called it: Operation Funhouse. I'd had extensive modifications made to the Centralia Field Museum of Ancient Antiquities.
We communicated using Bluetooth headphones. We had the museum staked out, and when I saw Benny the Beak and his gang, I told Fuzzy: "Fuzzy, the Kids have entered the Funhouse. Repeat, the Kids have entered the Funhouse."
"What kids?" Fuzzy asked. "I want to play, too! All I see are Benny the Beak and his gang and some Leprechauns breaking into the museum."
"Those are the 'Kids'. Come on, we've gone over this and over this, Fuzzy, and--"
"Oh, yeah--I rememberfys now!" he exclaimed.
"Enter the museum, Fuzzy, and once you're inside, spin the Tea Cups at maximum velocity!" I said. The Leprechauns and evil SNURFLES and the scarlet Mafia were about to see what it felt like to cross Lily E. Quince and take a ride on "Lily's Wild Ride." I hope they read the small print on the sign when they entered: "Warning! Ride at your own risk! Projectile vomiting may occur!"
Then, I spoke to Prince Alphonse Saed, who was already inside, and said: "Fonz, can you read me?"
"Loud and clear, Lily!" came his voice back to me.
"Fonz, engage the Tilt-A Whirl in five-four-three-two--one--now!" I commanded, and I could hear it starting up through the headphones and spinning around like an octopus caught in a cyclone. I could also hear the yelps and shrieks of the riders who had inadvertently staggered into it after trying to escape from the Tea Cup ride.
The Tilt-A Whirl ride lead directly to the Funhouse Mirror Maze. "Lucy, do you have your banana peels ready?"
"Yes, boss, Lily, I mean!" she said.
"Fling them when you see the whites of our enemies' eyes, and get ready to shove them into the Funhouse Mirror Maze!" I said.
Shane and Celeste were waiting within the maze, with blowguns and an ample supply of tranquilizer darts, to finish putting to rest, as it were, our adversaries. With the plan well under way, I entered the building to deal with any stragglers or anyone who might be attempting to escape.
I saw headed towards me the very Leprechaun who had earlier that day promised to make me eat a "Deluxe Pain Sandwich." Celeste's Great Uncle Shane had told me that he was Blaine O'Benigan, the leader of the evil Leprechauns and founder of the over-priced and shoddy chain of O'Beningan's Irish-Like Restaurants, whose motto was: "Food Just Like Your Irish Mother Cooked." Celeste, who had eaten there with her folks, had told me: "Yes, that's true--if your Irish mother ran a prison cafeteria in French Guinea that only served boiled slop and day-old bread!" "Remember me, Blaine? I asked him. "I'll be your waiter today! One 'Deluxe Pain Sandwich' coming up!" I roared, and clobbered him with an uppercut underneath his chin. As he was hitting the floor like a ton of bricks, I said, "No pain, and especially no gain for you, Blaine!"
When we had made sure everyone was incapacitated, we sped back to the house in Shane's Mini Cooper. I phoned the police to let them know about the museum break-in. Shane let us out a block from the house.
As he dropped us off--presumably to travel back to Ireland--he said to us: "I wouldn't be surprised if the Leprechauns who tried to kidnap Bono and their bird pals have already 'flown the coop.' No bars can hold a Leprechaun for long, not when we can use our magic to travel between time, space, and dimensions with ease! I doubt it's the last you'll be seein' of them. Good luck!" I flew the members of PAWS back to their houses before flying home with Celeste.
Could I have merely made another phone call to the police to tell them about the museum break-in before it even happened, so that they could have stopped it from happening? Sure, but where would be the fun and drama in that?
Will the story of my many cases and adventures ever see the light of day? Hey, even the Blair Witch Project did, yo, when someone one day discovered the herky-jerky video that had been shot of what had occurred somewhere in a forest. My witch friend, Hagatha Linchpin, thought it was the funniest movie she'd ever seen, and that she'd laughed she hard she had to change her underpants twice!
As the mayor of Centralia, Triple Q couldn't very well let anyone know that the kidnapping attempt on Bono was the plan of SNURFLES, and that PAWS had foiled their schemes. But, that was fine; I wasn't in the detecting game for the fame and glory--like in the Lady Gaga song, I guess I was always destined to be merely on the edge of glory, and not to bask in it for any great length of time.
The Case of the Scarlet SNURFLES was just one of my many dangerous and thrilling cases. I'm not being modest when I say I couldn't have solved the case and the others I've been involved with bringing to a resolution without the help of PAWS, and, of course, my best-est friend in the whole wide world, Celeste. I hope you've liked reading about my adventures in this book, Dear Readers. As the expression goes, though: "You ain't seen nothin' yet!"
