by Rue Volley
“Unbelievable,” I whispered as I ran the water in the sink. I reached in and scooped water into my mouth and spit it back out. I started the shower up, letting the hot water steam the small room up until my reflection was gone and I was not forced to look at myself any longer. As if I even know who I am right now.
****
I sat in the breakfast car and sipped my coffee, strong and unrelenting, just as I needed. The bitter taste on my tongue almost felt like I deserved it. I heard the door slide open and glanced behind me to see Cody coming in. He looked as if he had showered too. I guess he just could not come straight down here, but I wished that he had. Not to be rude, but seeing him was not what I really wanted. I adjusted my sunglasses on my face and turned back in my seat, not willing to even invite him over, but when he slid in across from me I was forced to deal with it.
“Did you eat?” he asked me and I shook my head ‘no’ and took a drink of my coffee. Each sip was getting me closer to feeling normal again. I needed to sober up. I needed to get back to reality and not some romantic encounter with a guy who happened to be on the same train as I was. So ridiculous.
“You know, they say that if you skip breakfast you just set yourself up for failure.”
I smiled and raised an eyebrow as I set my cup down and the coffee moved in it with the vibration of the train. I cleared my throat. “I drink coffee in the morning, and then I eat lunch and dinner, I never do breakfast and I rarely deal with failure.”
He bit his bottom lip and continued on. “Well you look thin,” he said as his plate showed up and it was full of pancakes and eggs. A side of three pieces of bacon took up what little room was left on the plate.
I smelled it and my stomach growled, but I played it off. I really don’t do breakfast that often, I guess saying ‘never’ was a white lie.
“Oh really?” I asked him and he grinned as he took a big bite of his pancakes.
“Well, you are just small, I guess.”
I took my sunglasses off and squinted as the light in the car did me no favors. He glanced up at me and snickered. They were bloodshot and dark circles sat under them.
“So are you implying that I have a eating disorder now?”
He stopped chewing and leaned forward. “Do you?” he muttered and I rolled my eyes.
“No, I do not,” I said quietly.
“You are so grumpy in the morning, it is kind of cute.”
I sighed and put my sunglasses back on, “Listen, last night was…” I picked up my coffee.
He stopped chewing and sat back, wiping his lips with his napkin and then taking a drink of his orange juice. I watched him closely and felt like an ass. It had been the two of us, not one. I had no right to be such a shit about things.
“Last night was great,” he said as he watched me.
I bit my bottom lip for a split second and then stood up. He reached out and touched my wrist, but I pulled from him and left the car. I can’t do this. I know I should say more and be a bigger person, but I am emotionally compromised right now. I cannot think of any other way to explain why I would even consider doing something like…well, you know, I guess what pisses me off the most is that I cannot even remember it. He is so pretty and if I am going to torture myself with it then I would love to at least know how it felt to be with him.
“Jazz,” he called out to me as I left him there. I kept walking even though everything in me wanted to stop and just go back and devour his plate of food. So much for not being “drama” like my mom and sisters. Perhaps I was more like them than I ever knew.
***
I sat in my room and stared out the window as the scenery started to become more familiar. I leaned up and looked out across the hillside. It was beautiful and packed with trees changing colors. It was pulling out of Summer and into Fall. Nothing was as beautiful as the seasons changing in Pennsylvania. Not to me, anyway. I did not leave because I hated it here, I left because I had always dreamed of living in New York and when the opportunity presented itself, I took it. I had gone to college there for writing and, luckily, I landed a job at the New York Times, just working as an assistant on small articles, but still, baby steps. I was grateful and although my dad was excited when I told him on the phone, his pause told me that he missed me and I appreciated being missed by someone. My sisters were too busy with their families and kids. My mom was enjoying being a grandmother and I was just wanting to carve a small space out for myself, and maybe stop being referred to as the ‘youngest’ or the ‘baby’.
The train went on for another hour or so as I listened to my music, my earbuds drowning out any noise. I leaned back and watched the trees, as they became thicker and thicker and knew that I was coming home. I had not been here in a year and bad weather had ruined Christmas. I felt bad for that, I really did. The airports closed with a terrible ice storm and I spent the last Christmas my dad would be alive with a few friends from work. I wanted to come home, but now the weight of missing it was a thousand times worse. I know it is not my fault, but still. If I had known, I would have found a way, but we cannot live in regret. He always told me that and I have to believe it. He knew that I loved him, he knew. In fact, he was the ONLY person in the house that I never had a fight with. That says it all right there.
The train started to slow down and I sighed as I pulled my earbuds out. I knew it would not be easy and I could only hope that my sisters would give me a break, but who am I kidding? I had not been home for a year and now, well, this would not be a happy reunion. Not by a long shot. I stood up and grabbed my suitcase as the train slowed and then stopped at the station I always loved. It was located in the heart of Stillcreek and was really the reason our town had survived when so many others fell to economic ruin. Trust me, there are plenty of people who love the idea of coming to a “small town” and hitting a bed and breakfast. Most of our visitors came from New York, they were nice enough and just wanted to get away from the city. Stillcreek would provide that in abundance with the rows of townhouse-style homes, lush hillsides and abundant forests. It looked like it was taken from a postcard. We lived on the “old side” of town, the area that had the vintage homes. Ours was from the 1800’s and I loved it, even on storm-filled, spooky nights it enchanted me. I don’t think anything was as fun as scaring the shit out of my sisters and getting them screaming through the house. I can’t say that my mom agreed, but Dad always laughed under his breath. I then spotted Poppy and Violet from my window. I think out of all of them, they were the quickest to annoy me. I sighed and gripped my suitcase in one hand as I decided to just suck it up and go. I mean, they have to be softened by what has happened. At least I can hope that they were.
I stepped out of my room and saw the people in the hallway. I moved down the hallway and past a couple kissing as I turned my head. I pushed on and then he stepped out and I once again found myself face to face with Cody’s chest. I looked up and half-grinned at him as he smiled back at me.
“This is your stop, right?” he asked me and I nodded to him. He sighed and stared down at me, “I can walk you to the exit.”
“Okay, I would like that,” I said as I suddenly felt like having him do that would help me actually get off of the train. I stopped when I saw the door and he reached out and opened it up for me, but that was not my intention at all. I didn’t expect him to do anything like that. I stood there and gripped my suitcase until my knuckles turned white. I was frozen in place, emotionally and physically. I blinked as I felt him take it from me and step out. He reached his hand up towards me and I took it. I stepped off of the train and was immediately smacked in the face with the familiar smells of Stillcreek. It smells like a bakery here, fresh breads and pastries and my stomach growled as he grinned. I looked past him and spotted Poppy and Violet as they whispered to each other and then started to head my way. They both examined Cody with their eyes, I was mortified, if they found out that I had…it would be a disaster of epic proportions. News traveled faster with them than with the
internet. I stood there as Cody narrowed his eyes and studied my facial expression, which must have told him everything.
“You okay?” he whispered to me. His eyes soft and caring.
I swallowed hard and then they reached us as Cody turned and smiled at the two of them. Poppy reached out and touched my hair as Violet stared at Cody.
“What have you done?”
“I cut my hair, people do that.”
“Mmm,” she said as she pulled her hand back and looked it over. “It is short and you killed it with the bleach. Did you pick up that conditioner I told you about?” I shook my head ‘no’ and she went on. “You need it, it looks horrible.”
“This is Cody, Cody Baker.” I said without hesitation.
I sighed and Violet extended her hand to Cody.
“I am Jasmine’s older sister, Violet, and you are?”
“I said…” she glanced at me and then back to him.
Cody smiled and took her hand, immediately kissing it and she was impressed. She was strange sometimes about things and old school stuff impressed her the most. You would think she was born in the wrong century.
She grinned as Cody let her hand go and continued to smile.
“Cody Baker,” he said as Poppy stepped in and looked him over.
“You did not tell us you had a boyfriend, Jasmine.”
“I…” I started to say. Cody interrupted me before I could explain anything.
“Well, it was supposed to be a surprise.” He glanced at me and he looked as if he was so enjoying this. “Jazz was going to bring me home before now, but my work keeps me busy.” I raised an eyebrow and stared at him, totally shocked as the words just flowed from him, as if they were truth.
“And what work do you do?” Violet asked him without any hesitation.
“I run a company, I mean, it was my father's, it was left to me, investments and business, I am sure it would bore you.”
“I never get bored about money,” Poppy said as I rolled my eyes and then cleared my throat. They both looked at me and I looked behind them.
“Well, Mama wanted us to meet you here and drive you home.”
I spoke before I worried about how they would react. “I want to walk,” I said as quickly as they offered. Violet crossed her arms on her chest and Cody placed his arm around me.
“I asked her too, she has told me so much about this town, I just wanted to walk, I hope that is okay. It was my idea.” He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek as I stared straight ahead like a deer in headlights. His arm shook me as they both stared on.
Violet nodded and smiled at him. It was amazing how charmed she was by him.
“It is beautiful here. I have lived here my whole life,” she said, like me and Poppy were not even there. Poppy pulled on her arm and Violet smiled again as they started to walk away. Poppy looked back and mouthed the word “divorce” to me and I was kind of shocked but Violet's sudden need to get Cody’s attention made more sense. I mean, Violet had married her Prom King, star football player, Josh Wieling and I thought she would own his soul from this life to the next. I guess that deal with the devil had fallen through. I relaxed as they rounded the corner and left me standing there with Cody. He looked at me with a calm expression on his face.
“Well?” he asked as he held his arm out and I stood my ground.
“Listen, I appreciate that, but you can get back on the train. I will just tell them you got called to work.” He leaned into my face and his lips were just mere inches from my own. He smelled amazing, just as he had the day before.
“Nothing happened,” he whispered to me as his eyes stared deeply into mine.
I stepped back as the words broke the trance I was in. “What?”
He stood up straight and looked me over. “Nothing happened. You drank too much, I got the bottle of wine because you asked for it and then you fell asleep.”
I swatted at him as he backed up and laughed at me. He held his hands up. “Grumpy and violent. I love it.”
I shook my head and walked past him as he watched me. He called out and it stopped me dead in my tracks.
“Have fun with your sisters.” I hunched my shoulders as the thought of it really sucked. I mean, it would be hard enough to handle the funeral and all of them together…but this? The promise of a man in my life who would not be there? Ugh.
I sighed and then turned back to him and placed a hand on my hip. I walked towards him and stopped about three feet away.
“It is your fault that they think we are dating.”
“I know, I thought I was helping you. I mean, you said all kinds of heinous stuff about them last night when you were drunk and I felt sorry for you. I mean, not like in a pathetic way, I just have an older brother and he is an asshole.”
“I did not,” I said as he nodded his head ‘yes’ to me.
“Yes, you told me a lot of things.”
I rolled my eyes. “How much older is your brother?” I asked him and he rubbed his neck.
“Four years, and he thinks he knows everything but he doesn’t. It annoys me.”
I sighed and could just hear it now, it would be a blood bath if I showed up alone. It would give them all a reason to grill me and maybe with Cody there, I could avoid it and just do what I came here to do, bury my dad.
“Nothing happened at all?” I said and he leaned forward.
His eyes lingered on my lips. “Well, you almost kissed me, but I stopped you. I mean, you were drunk.”
I felt flustered, my cheeks turning red. “I did not.”
“You did so.”
I rolled my eyes.“I don’t just kiss people.”
“Oh I know, you said that before you tried to do it.”
I raised an eyebrow and stared him down. “I was drunk.”
“And 'emotionally compromised' if I remember you correctly,” he added as I sighed. Damn it. He was just too comfortable to be around. I hesitated and then heard the train whistle blow to give everyone a fiv minute warning.
He crossed his arms on his chest. “It is me or you go in with no sword.”
I bit my lip. He would make things easier and difficult all at the same time. What the hell was I thinking?
The whistle blew again. “Okay, fine.” I said as he grinned at me.
He ran off, calling out behind him, “Let me get my bag.”
“Fine,” I said as he jumped back on the train and I could see him moving through the cars. He reached his room and stepped in, grabbing his backpack, then he looked up and saw me through the window. He stopped for a minute as he looked me over and I turned and stared at the people on the platform. He returned to me and slung his backpack over his shoulder as I watched him. I had to be completely insane or in the middle of a breakdown to be allowing this to happen.
He waved his hand like a wand in front of him. “Ladies first,” he said to me as I started to walk with him alongside me.
We rounded the corner and there it was. Stillcreek. I stopped and watched the trees blowing and smelled the air as he looked around too.
“This is nice,” he said as his eyes wandered over the old structures and the cobblestone street running down Main. It still looked just like a postcard. The mixture of bread and berries wafted up around us and he smelled it as I did.
I looked at him and nodded. “It is beautiful, it always has been. I guess I just don’t think about it in the City, I am busy working.” He nodded to me as we continued on, past the downtown shops and everything until we reached my side of town. I had not said anything to him as we walked, but I did notice him studying everything. I stopped on the corner as the light sat on red and he nodded.
“This is something else, Jazz. I mean, it looks like a painting.”
I glanced at him. “I loved it here, minus my sisters some days, but it was not all bad.”
“Did you leave because of them?” he asked as the light changed and we started to cross the street.
“No, I left because I wanted too. I dre
amed of living in New York City and after I graduated from college there, I stayed.”
“I don’t know, Jazz, if I had come from a place like this I would have found a man, got knocked up and settled down.”
“Oh really, so you can get knocked up then? Medical breakthroughs astound me.”
I stopped walking and then he busted out laughing. “I was kidding, people can do whatever they want to do and who is to say that a family is a bad thing? I wish I could remember being in a family, I do…I mean, I really do.” I looked him over.
“Listen, I am sorry. I did not mean to assume that we did anything or that you would take advantage of me. I just was not myself last night. Not at all. I don’t just meet people and try to make out with them and then invite them into my bed.”
He grinned and looked into my eyes. His blue eyes brighter with the mid-day sun shining in them.
“I felt your boob.”
I stepped back from him. “What?”
“Just a little grab, it was nothing special.”
“Oh really?” I said as I could feel my temper rising.
He pointed at the palm of his hand. “I mean, it was small, barely fit in my hand.”
I swung my suitcase at him and caught him on the side as he laughed at me.
“Are you serious?!” I yelled and he held his hands up.
“About the size or if I did it?”
“Cody!”
“I did NOT grab your boob okay? I am just kidding!”
I shook my head and stepped back from him. “No lie?”
“No lie, Jazz, I did not touch you.”
“Not even a little?”
He tilted his head as I sounded as if I wished he had.
“I mean, I am taking you to my house, my family lives there.”
“I swear I did not touch you, I was just kidding. I swear, you looked sad, I was just trying to make you laugh.”
I narrowed my eyes. One thing my dad always told me was that a person could not stare you in the eye if they were lying and I started to relax as he stood up straight and shook his head.
