by Rue Volley
I ran to him and he looked as if he was simply sleeping, I pressed my small hand to his side and shook him, but he didn’t move and his body lay still. I picked him up and cradled him as I walked all the way back home and then sat down on my porch steps. My parents came running out and there they found me, tear stained cheeks and glossy eyes, Charlie in my arms and they must have decided to take mercy on me. My dad leaned down and nodded to me as he wiped a tear from my cheek. He then took Charlie and I stood up and ran to my mom, hugging her waist as she watched him walk down the steps and around the back. She touched my hair and then lifted my chin as I sobbed.
“It was my fault,” I said in a small voice, hiccupping as children do when they cry uncontrollably. She leaned down to her knees and cupped my face in her hands.
“You would never do something like that, Jasmine.”
I nodded and stared into her eyes. “If I had not picked him, he would be happy and alive someplace else.”
“Honey, you can’t avoid being happy because you fear losing someone.”
I closed my eyes and hugged her.
I stood in my window, with my black dress on, and stared at the large tree that sat between the two that housed the tree houses. That was where Charlie was buried, by my dad with a small ceremony by me. I remember sitting out there often, talking to Charlie and telling him about my day. I don’t think I ever forgave myself for his death, but I do know that the last moments of his life he was staring at me and wagging his tail. He was happy and he trusted me, and I let him down.
I heard a tap to my door and turned to see Cody standing there with his backpack slung over one shoulder and I could not help but think about him as I had about Charlie. If I told Cody to stay, would I fail him too? Funny how something that happened so long ago still stopped me from doing things I wanted to do. He stepped in and looked me over as I turned towards him. He looked tired, as if he had slept very little the night before. We had returned to the house and I said nothing to him during dinner and quickly went to my room afterward to avoid talking to him. I knew he had gone to his room too, as I saw him walk by my door and pause, but what was there to say? I had basically blown him off after we…well, you know. I just didn’t want him to feel as if he was obligated to me or to anything. He had happened to come into my life just as I needed him and it did not mean that it was forever, although my heart would say otherwise.
His eyes lowered and then he glanced at the window and back to me.
“There is a train leaving today, I figured…” he paused to allow me to speak, but all I did was nod to him and he didn’t go any further with it. “Okay then, I…”
I stepped towards him and his eyes settled onto mine. I wanted to say so many things to him, so many things that I had never said to anyone in my life…but, then it came out before I could stop it.
“I am glad that we met, I am.”
He paused, his expression saying more than his words could. I know that was not what he wanted and trust me, I wished I could change myself and make it easier but I couldn’t.
“Me too, Jazz, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing about it. Except maybe…”
I narrowed my eyes and kept them on him as he smiled, “What?”
“To have been with you longer.”
I touched my neck and fingered at my silver heart necklace, he grinned and decided to not take us to that place I could not go.
“I’m sorry.”
He held his hand up to me and then lowered it. He stepped up and hugged me, but it was awkward, for both of us. I knew I had already damaged whatever we had going on and perhaps the regret of it would sink in after the fact, after the funeral…after all of it. I couldn’t tell right now. All I did know was that he still made me feel something and it would linger on me as long as I let it.
He backed up and grinned at me, then touched my cheek with the back of his hand and, for a moment, I wanted to hug him and tell him that I thought maybe…I mean, perhaps….I sorta felt love for him, a love that was growing, but I had no idea how to handle it and the fear, that old monster in my closet was still lurking in the shadows. He turned and walked to my door as I crossed my arms and watched him. I shifted from one foot to the other and parted my lips to say something, but he turned back and nodded to me.
“Maybe someday you can let someone love you, I am sorry you wouldn’t let it be me.”
“Don’t do that to me, Cody,” I said quietly.
“Do what? Say the truth?”
I walked to my window and put my back to him. “Guilt me, I get it.”
Cody sighed. “I am not trying to guilt you, I am just being honest with you, I’m sorry no one ever has been before.”
I turned to him. “Seriously?”
“What?” he said as he dropped his backpack to the floor and stared me down.
“Is this really how you want it to end?” I asked as he crossed his arms on his chest.
“I am not the one pushing you away, Jasmine.”
I swallowed hard and fought the urge to just be rude to him. “This isn’t the day to do this.”
He laughed. “Then what day? What moment would you rather me choose to fight for something I want? I mean, why am I the only one fighting here?”
“This isn’t a fight, there is nothing to fight about at all,” I said as my voice got louder.
“Really? So what is this, exactly? I mean, I am confused.”
I looked down at my dress and then back up at him. “I have lost enough in my life.”
He shook his head. “So what? Everyone loses people that they love, it should never stop you from letting people…letting people love you, and I…”
“Don’t…don’t do that, Cody.”
He stepped towards me and I stepped back. He stopped and looked around my room. “I hated the 80’s.”
I laughed, but it sounded sharp, as if I was offended. “Oh really?”
“Yes…really,” he added as he looked into my eyes.
“Well, I didn’t…I loved it. I loved the music and the clothing and the…”
“The what? It was lame,” he added.
I rolled my eyes. “Was not!”
“Was too…I mean, look at them!” he waved his hand to the wall and then back to himself. “Who looks cooler?”
I tapped one foot on the floor as his insults kept eating at me. “You are entitled to your opinion.”
He grinned and walked towards me. “Am I? Am I entitled to that? Well, thank you so much, Jasmine, I appreciate that…at least I get one thing from you.”
I looked towards my window to avoid looking at his pretty face. He stopped only a foot from me and I refused to look at him. “I think you are being ridiculous.” I muttered to him as he looked me over.
“Really, how ridiculous?”
I shook my head and tried to move but he moved with me. As I stepped back the other way he did too. “Don’t do that.”
He tilted his head. “Do what?”
“You know what you are doing, you are being all charming and I don’t…”
He stepped up and placed a hand to my face as I closed my eyes. “Jazz…please.” He whispered. I took a slow breath as I felt his other hand slide to my back and pull me closer to him.
Then I did it, the one thing I shouldn’t do. I shut him out. I looked into his eyes and my poison seeped out of me as it had done many times before, when fear served me better than the thought of happiness.
“Did you ever think that maybe I just don’t want this?”
He looked at me and his expression was one of hurt. He paused and then stepped back, taking his hand from my face. “Okay, I hear you. I do,” he said as he turned and I followed him for a second and then stopped as I rolled my eyes and rubbed the side of neck.
“God, I am so stupid,” I said out loud as I decided to pursue him.
I ran down the hallway and to the top of the stairs, Cody was already down them, blowing past Violet and my mom. I ran as fast as I could and stopp
ed at the base of the steps as Cody stopped out my front door and then turned back to me.
“Maybe someday you will let someone love you, maybe even yourself, because you don’t, Jasmine, you don’t love yourself at all and I think it’s sad. It is the saddest story ever told.”
I parted my lips to speak, but his words sank deep into my chest. It hurt me to hear them and to know that he was right, every word of it was spot on. I had hidden away for so long that I was incapable of loving anyone, especially myself, especially now. Today, of all days. My mom turned to look at me, but my eyes were locked onto to Violet who slowly turned, with that smug look on her face.
“Well, that is a shock.”
“You are a horrible person,” I muttered to her as Violet raised an eyebrow and looked me over.
“Me?”
I took a step towards her as my mom eyed me. “Yes, you, Violet. You miserable bitch.”
“Jasmine,” my mom said, her tone was sharp and sliced through the air. Violet took a step towards me.
“You are the miserable one, running away from home, causing trouble whenever you could, doing disgusting things with Jess.”
“Oh! I knew it! You bigoted asshole!”
She laughed, but it was more of a “how dare you” burst of sound into the room as she touched her chest. She acted as if I was insane and completely in the wrong.
“I am not a bigot,” she said to me as my other sisters stared on and did not say a word.
I nodded to her. “You are and not only that, you are jealous. You are jealous of anyone who even remotely comes close to happiness because you were never happy, you were such a miserable bitch when we were growing up and you are a miserable bitch now, Violet, no wonder you are getting a divorce.”
She tried to slap me, but Mom caught her hand mid swing as I laughed at her. She jerked her hand away and stared at me with such disgust.
“You were always boyish, always taking Dad’s time. Always wanting attention, and then that thing with Jess was just embarrassing, Jasmine. Everyone in town knows you are gay, everyone! We all know it but we never said anything because it embarrassed all of us, including Dad…I mean, why do you think Mom and Dad split up?”
I looked at my mom and narrowed my eyes. “That is not true.”
Mom straightened her shoulders and cleared her throat, “This is not the day.”
“Then what day, Mama?” Violet said as she glanced at her and then back to me.
“You cannot all be serious,” I said as I backed up a couple of steps on the stairway. Poppy looked down and I shook my head as I turned my gaze back toward Violet.
“You are sick, Jasmine, you have always been…”
“Violet, shut your mouth,” my mom yelled at her as she closed her lips and they became a bit white as she pursed them together. I shook my head at her.
“Being gay is not an illness, you asshole.”
“I am not talking about…” she started to say. Mom grabbed her arm and escorted her out of the house and I watched them on the front porch. Mom looked calm, but her finger rose into Violets face, which a bad sign. That meant she was really pissed off. I looked around the room.
“Do you guys think I’m sick, do you?”
They said nothing and it hurt me. I mean, I had never exposed myself before, but to have my own flesh and blood act as if I was sick and not just born this way was horrible. It was worse than I had imagined it would be when I dreamed of telling all of them about the fact that I liked Jess more than a friend.
I took a breath and gripped the banister really hard as my knuckles turned white.
I then did something I never expected to do. I cried out and jumped from the stairs, I ran out onto the porch and tackled Violet. We flew from the porch together and into the yard. We rolled a few feet as I pulled at her hair and she tugged at mine. I had been before, fighting her when I was young. Violet was always somewhat of a bully to me and I hated her, deep down…I just despised her uptight ass.
My mom ran down the steps. “GIRLS!” she cried out as we continued to roll. I ended up on top of her and pinned her arms. I stared down on her as she gritted her teeth.
“Get off of me, Jasmine!” she yelled as I shook my head ‘no’. Then she screamed as she got the better of me and rolled me onto my back. She held my arms down as I struggled to break free.
“Get up, right this minute,” Mom said as her teeth ground together. She glanced around the neighborhood, as if this could be the most embarrassing thing we had ever done. Violet adjusted herself and held my arms with her knees while she tapped my forehead. A game I hated when I was younger and sure as hell hated now. It was annoying, like dripping water.
“You are such a shit!” I yelled as my mom reached down to grab Violet's arm, but I flipped her over me as she screamed and her big red granny panties stuck out as her dress whipped up over her head. I laughed as I spotted them.
“No wonder you are getting divorced.”
“What?!” she yelled as she pushed her dress back down and scowled at me.
“Like you could even get married, Jasmine. Who the fuck would marry you? Oh wait, it was supposed to be Jess, right? You need your meds. She does, Mom!”
I stood up and stared at her. My mom stepped up and shook her head ‘no’ as Violet stared me down. Her dress looked all wrinkled and her hair was a total disaster, leaves sticking out of it and all.
“You need meds, you crazy asshole.” I shouted back to her. She laughed.
“No, you do, Jasmine, and I bet you haven’t been on them, have you? Of course not.”
I narrowed my eyes and clinched my fists at my side. “I don’t take anything, but you should, seriously…seriously she should!” I said as I looked back at my mom, but she only glared at Violet, who was too high on her horse now to come down.
“What you caused that family and our own,” she muttered under her breath. I leaned in and held my hand up to my ear.
“I am sorry, what was that?”
She crossed her arms on her chest. “Unbelievable, they all hate you.”
“Hate me? What the hell are you talking about Violet? I just saw Jess today, with Cody.”
Violet undid her arms and waved a hand at me. “You see?” she said as her eyebrows rose. Mom stared at her as if she was going to kill her where she stood.
“Jasmine,” my mom said behind me but my anger kept my eyes locked on Violet.
“I did, and she was fine.”
“Oh really, so where did you see her…the garden, on the street corner, or perhaps in the cemetery?” Violet said as she tapped her foot.
I stepped back as Violets tone bothered me. “The garden.”
“Huh, I wish I could believe you.”
I shook my head as it started to hurt a little bit. “What? What do you mean?” I stuttered.
Violet leaned up into my face. “Stop faking it.”
I stepped back and bumped into Mom as she touched my arm. I pulled from her. “What is she talking about?” I asked as my other sisters stepped out onto the porch and stared at all of us in the yard.
“Honey, come inside. You are tired, that is all, and upset about Cody.”
I pointed a finger at Violet and shook my head. “No, what the fuck did she mean by that?”
I kept stepping back as no answers came and then I ran, as fast as I could, away from the house. All I could think about was getting as far away from there as possible. A feeling I had many times when I was younger. I rounded the corner and then kept going, until my lungs burned and my legs ached. I leaned over and then glanced up as I saw the gates to the cemetery above me. I paid no attention to anything as I had been running but the destination was clear.
I pushed the gate open and ran inside. The sight familiar as I had seen it a million times before. I walked along very quickly as I seemed to know where I was going. My heartbeat sped up with each step that I took. Finally, I stopped and closed my eyes. Then I turned and there it was. A beautiful resting angel
with the inscription….
Jessica Louise Jarvis 1985-2001
I dropped to my knees and sobbed.
Chapter Eight
Stardust
I fell asleep at the foot of the angel. The thought of anything else floating far, far away as I remembered things, bits and pieces, coming back to me. It wasn’t until the creaking of the old gates woke me did I remember where I was and why. I reached up and touched the face of the angel and nodded to her. I heard footsteps behind me and pushed myself up as my mom walked up to me and then glanced at the sleeping angel.
“Why? Why didn’t you tell me sooner, when I got here?” I asked as she stepped up to the angel and touched its head, not unlike I had done too. Her expression spoke volumes to me. She looked remorseful, truly saddened at the sight of the angel and then her eyes ended up locked onto mine.
“Jasmine, this is the first time you have been home that you have not been talking about Jess. I have to thank Cody for that, normally you just go on and on about how you saw her and she is great…and you visit the garden.”
“Mom…I did see her, in the garden…in fact….” I paused. “Oh my God.” I felt a panic settling into my chest again as I thought about Cody. Why could he see her, see Jess? Why? How could that be possible?
“Jasmine…we are very used to accommodating your special friends,” she said softly as she touched my face. I stepped back and almost tripped over the headstones. I shook my head ‘no’ at her and she reached out towards me. “No, it can’t be, Cody….”
