by Lisa Suzanne
During my solo midway through our set, I take the easy route. I’d rather be simple and accurate than showy and messy. The sparks fly out of the front of my bass drum, and I think about my argument with Mark about flaming drumsticks. In the end, I’m glad he won that argument. If I would’ve won, I’d probably set my goddamn hand on fire tonight.
I get through our set somehow, and then it’s time for “One for the Road,” our final song and the song where Maci makes her reappearance. When she runs out and we take a pause to allow the audience to show her some love, I can’t help that my gaze falls on her, that I swell with pride that she’s carrying inside of her something that belongs to me. That she belongs to me, even if she hasn’t admitted it or realized it herself yet.
She runs up to Mark and they both pause as they wait for my cue. I catch both of them looking at me, Mark glaring, which tells me I’m fucked as soon as we leave the stage, and then I slam my stick against the snare as I push my foot on the pedal for the bass drum. The song starts, and somehow I’m back on track—and the only difference is that Maci is here now.
We finish strong—much stronger than the entire rest of the show, and we take our bows. I feel relieved this particular show is over, and I’m ready to get the fuck off the stage and get Maci into my arms and my bed. I’m ready to bury my cock as deep into her as the limits of our bodies will allow.
I toss a drumstick to a fan in the front row I recognize who was at our last two shows, and I throw my other stick as far out into the crowd as I safely can. Mark tosses out some picks and we all smile for our fans one last time before we run off the stage.
I half expect Maci to be standing on the side waiting for me, and when she’s not there, a surge of disappointment rushes through me. I realize I don’t know what to expect when it comes to her. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to have expectations since everything changes at the speed of light in our relationship.
“What the fuck was that, dude?” Mark comes at me as soon as he’s done kissing his wife.
“Sorry, man,” I say with a half-hearted shrug as I wipe my face with the towel Vick hands me. “Off night.”
“That’s the fucking understatement of the year.” He’s pissed at me, and he has every right to be.
“No more day drinking,” Steve says. He’s pissed too.
“Fuck off,” I mutter petulantly. “That’s not what this is about.”
“Then no more day stoning, either,” James says.
“So all three of you are just gonna gang up on me?” I ask, my tone one of fighting when I don’t necessarily mean it to be—but my whole fucking world keeps getting turned on its head, and I’m not sure which way’s even up anymore.
“I heard it too, Ethan,” Reese pipes up.
Morgan and Angelique start in on me, too, and even Vick mutters something under her breath I don’t quite catch.
I wipe my face again with the towel and then toss it on the floor. “You know what? Fuck all of you.”
I spin around and head toward the dressing room as the eight people who probably know me best in the world—and, incidentally, who are supposed to be on my side—stare after me silently.
But seriously: fuck all of them. I don’t need their shit tonight. I know I fucked up, but I can’t do anything about it now. It’s over, and we’ve all had bad nights, we’ve all messed up shows. We never blame each other and we never harp on it, yet that’s exactly what these assholes are doing to me.
I blow out a breath as I realize everyone who’s closest to me doesn’t get me anymore, but there may be someone out there who does.
And I have a lot of aggression I’m ready to work out.
I take the fastest shower of my life and ignore whatever’s going on in my dressing room as I pass through it. Chuck’s right on my tail, thankfully silent, as I find my way out to the bus lot and Maci.
I pound on her door, full of adrenaline and lust and all sorts of weird emotions I haven’t even identified yet.
“What do you want?” a crabby Griffin greets me.
“You can have my bus tonight. I need some time alone with Maci.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “She can tell me to leave. You, however, cannot.”
I step onto the bus so I’m not looking up at him. I hate the power position he likes to play. I’m about to bust out something nasty when Maci appears in the doorway leading toward the back of the bus. She’s changed out of the clothes she wore during the concert, and now she’s in a t-shirt and those black comfy pants girls wear. She’s wearing her glasses, and her brown eyes are staring at me.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
My eyes soften as I look at her. “Telling Griffin he can have my bus so I can have some alone time with you.”
“That’s not necessary,” she says to both of us.
My brows furrow. I don’t exactly want to say I came here expecting sex, but after we made up earlier, it just seems like the next natural step.
Plus I need the sex.
“Griff, stay or go. Your choice. Ethan, I’m not feeling well again and I just don’t have the energy right now for you.”
“For sex, you mean?”
She shrugs. “For any of it. For sex, for conversation. For the rest of our song. For whatever you came here for.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, feeling a bit of desperation settle into my chest. What changed since before the show—other than my terrible performance? Why am I suddenly getting the cold shoulder from her after I told her I’m in love with her?
“I can see it plain as day on your face. Whatever you came here for, I can’t give it to you tonight.”
“I came here to see you,” I say. “I came to see if you opened my gift.” I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable as Griffin watches our entire exchange.
“We both know what you came here for,” she says.
Griffin chuckles, and after the night I’ve had so far, it pushes my last button.
I turn snidely toward him. “The fuck are you laughing at?”
“See?” Maci asks. “This. This right here. This is what I don’t have the energy for.” She turns and heads back toward the bedroom.
I go to follow her, but Griffin stands in my way. I still think I could take him, but he’s a trained bodyguard and I’m just a drummer with solid abs and possibly some anger issues. “You heard her. Leave her alone.”
“Fuck you,” I hiss, and then I give them both what they want.
I walk off the bus and head toward mine, not for the first time in my life feeling really and truly alone. And when I feel alone like this, well...that’s when I make bad decisions.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
ETHAN
“Are we in New York?” I ask when I slide into a chair across from Chuck the next morning.
“Yeah, got here about four hours ago,” he says. He nods toward the counter, where I see a bag of food and a coffee cup.
I hold up the cup. “Irish?” I ask.
He nods, confirming there’s a little whiskey in my coffee this morning—his sworn cure for a hangover which has never let me down.
“What happened last night?” I ask, pulling out a breakfast sandwich and attacking it.
“You got hammered and almost brought two women back.”
I sigh. “Did I do anything with them?”
He shakes his head. “You were wasted and kept talking about Maci. They just wanted a good time with Vail’s drummer.”
“Did they get one?” I ask.
He shrugs. “They took a few pictures but that was about the extent of it. And then you said you don’t pay me enough and offered me a raise.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Now I know you’re lying.”
He laughs. “You really did say that, but I said I’d believe it when I saw the paperwork.”
I think about it for less than a second. I’ve already had the thought, so why not give him what he deserves? “I’ll have my lawyer draw something up.”
“I’ll believe it when I see the paperwork,” he repeats wryly.
I laugh, feeling a little better after some food. I grab some pain pills from the cabinet where I keep the meds and swallow them down with my coffee, and then I leap down the steps of my bus and head for Maci’s.
“She’s not up yet,” Griffin says when he opens the door.
“Let me in.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t. She said she just wanted uninterrupted sleep.”
“You can keep me from her,” I say, totally fed up with this asshole blocking me from Maci, “but you can’t keep me from my child.”
“Your...your what?” Griffin asks, fully confused. He turns back to look at Maci, who starts screaming curses at me from inside the bus.
“Goddammit, Ethan!” She appears behind Griffin, an angel with cheeks flushed crimson in anger. “Are you fucking kidding me? You wanna broadcast it to the whole fucking world while you’re at it?” She throws her phone at me. Thank God for Chuck and that Irish coffee this morning or else my reaction time would’ve been too slow to catch it before it hit me in the face. “Here, call some media outlets and let them know, too.”
“Maci, what is he talking about?” Griffin asks, grabbing her by the shoulders to calm her down. “Is he...are you...”
She blows out a breath. “Yeah, I am. Okay? I’m knocked up by the asshole drummer.”
“Sounds like a country song,” I say at an attempt for levity that falls flat.
Griffin’s eyes don’t leave her, but she glares wildly at me. It’s more than a glare, really. It’s more than the old if looks could kill cliché. She’s a little terrifying like this—off-balance and furious and so goddamn beautiful it hurts right smack dab in the middle of my chest.
“Are you sure it’s his?” Griffin asks.
Her eyes shift to his. “It isn’t yours,” she spits out.
Their conversation hits me with so much force I physically have to take a step back. It means she’s fucked him, too, and who knows how long ago and who knows if it’s over and who knows anything anymore. Who even knows if it’s true, that this baby is mine or if it’s his or if it’s someone else’s. Who knows how many other men she’s been with, faceless and nameless to me but who might mean something to her.
All I know right in this minute as my heart cracks in a bus parking lot is I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what she expects me to be. I don’t know how to deal with the past she might have, and in a lot of ways, I’m bracing myself for the worst before it’s even able to hit us. I fuck up everything good in my life, and I know this won’t be any different.
It’s with that thought in mind I turn away from her bus and head back to mine.
I didn’t give her the real effort she deserves, the effort I just pledged in my mind I’d give, but the truth is right in front of me. For everything I don’t know, one thing is certain.
I can try as hard as I want, but I’ll never be whatever she needs me to be.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
MACI
“The recent bout of illness...that wasn’t just food poisoning?” Griffin asks me.
I’m pissed Ethan blurted out those words in front of my manager, but I can’t change them now. I lift a shoulder, sort of surprised he believed the food poisoning thing as long as he did.
“And it’s Ethan’s,” he says flatly.
I nod. I think about going into more detail, about telling him about the broken condom...but they’re details I’m sure he doesn’t want. It doesn’t matter how it happened, anyway. It happened, and now we deal with it.
He blows out a breath then sits on the couch. “Have you told him about your history with him yet?”
I shake my head and press my lips together. “He suspects, though. He called me out on it but before I could answer, I had to go puke.”
He looks up at me, and I lean back against the counter across from him.
“You have to tell him,” he says.
“I know I do.” My voice comes out small. “And I will. When I’m ready.”
“Are you giving up your plan to get back at him?”
I run my finger along the edge of the countertop and focus on that instead of on Griffin. “I sort of think I have to at this point. I’m having his baby.”
Griffin flinches when I say the words aloud. I’m sure he’s thinking about how this is going to affect him and his job. I want to reassure him, because it’s not like I’ll stop singing just because I have a child. Lots of women are working moms. Even though performing makes me nervous every time I walk out onto that stage, it’s entrenched in my very soul.
“No matter what happens, Griff, I’m always going to need you.” I speak the words softly and reassuringly.
He nods. “I know. I wasn’t thinking that.”
“It’s okay if you were,” I say. “This affects you, too.”
He looks away from me, and I feel like he’s keeping something from me.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
He still doesn’t meet my eyes, which is strange for him. He’s a straight shooter—one of the things I depend on most when it comes to him.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
He clears his throat then cracks his knuckles. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him nervous like this before.
“Griff, talk to me.”
“I...uh...” He pauses and thinks, and then he starts over. “It’s nothing. I don’t want to talk about it when we need to talk about you right now.”
I shake my head. “I’m done talking about me. I’m pregnant, okay? Ethan and I are having a baby.” I still don’t believe the words as they tumble out of my mouth, but at least I don’t have to hide it from Griff anymore. I sigh. “Now you go.”
“I’m not ready to go into details, but I’m sort of starting to see someone.”
“You’re seeing someone?” I ask.
“Sort of. It’s new. Really new. But it’s good.” He looks uncomfortable, and I don’t want him to feel that way despite the burning questions I have about who she is—especially considering we’ve been on tour. Who the hell is he seeing? A groupie? Someone I know?
I don’t ask. “Griff, that’s amazing. I’m happy for you. And her. Whoever she is, she’s a lucky girl.”
He presses his lips together in a weak attempt at a smile. “Thanks.”
“And I’m here when you’re ready to talk about her. Whatever you need, Griff. You know that.”
He gives me a long look like he doesn’t know that, and I realize not for the first time I haven’t treated him very well.
That needs to change. He deserves better, and he always has.
“When are you due?” He runs a hand along his jaw as he changes the subject abruptly.
I slide into a chair at the table. “October.”
“Then a fall tour is probably out of the question,” he says.
I shake my head. “Not totally out just yet. Maybe postponed a little. Let’s consult with Bridget after this tour wraps. I can’t deal with telling her just yet.”
“She’ll want to get ahead of the rumors.” He has a point. “Let me handle it for you, okay?”
I nod. “Thanks, Griff,” I whisper, grateful once again for everything he does for me.
He stares into space for a while and then he nods. “You’re in the studio today with Vail.”
“Shit,” I mutter. “We aren’t ready.”
“The studio will be whether or not you are.” He taps on his phone for a few seconds. “You ready to hear the final tune?”
I nod, and he plays it. Mark and I have practiced a couple of times together, so it’s familiar. I have him replay it about fifty times anyway as I first recite the words in my head to the melody and then say them aloud as I listen again.
I’m not ready to go into the studio with Vail today, but I don’t know whether I have much of a choice. I agreed to it and I signed a contract a few weeks ago.
I just need to
clear a few things up before I’m ready to bare my soul in front of the boy who keeps managing to break me in new and difficult ways.
Once I’ve heard it enough times to be as satisfied as I can be without practicing it with the band I’ll be recording with today, my eyes move to the polka dot box sitting on the counter.
“You gonna open that?” Griff asks me. He stands and moves to get it for me, but I stop him.
“Don’t,” I say.
He looks over at me with his brows drawn down in confusion. “Don’t?”
I shake my head. “I’m not ready for whatever’s in there. I feel like I need to be alone when I open it. Let’s give it a few days. Put it with my bags and I’ll see what’s inside at the next hotel. I like the suspense.”
He follows directions, I throw up again, and then he comes with me to the crew bus to meet with the guys in my band as I try to figure out how I’m going to perform the rest of this tour with this awful nausea.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
ETHAN
As I stepped onto my bus after leaving Maci’s, I was sure walking away was the wrong thing just as much as I was sure it was the right thing.
There’s this ache in my chest, this pounding in my head, this fire burning in my stomach, this stinging behind my eyes. It shouldn’t affect me this much to know she’s been with other men. Of course she has. She’s a gorgeous woman and she can do whatever she wants.
I suppose knowing she’s pregnant, however early it is, and thinking it’s mine affected me more than I realized. I allowed myself to feel for maybe the first time in my life. I bathed in the unfamiliar emotions. I think back to my yoga breathing last night, to the chants in my head and the merging of my selfish wants and desires with this new need to protect and keep them safe, this primal urgency to be a man in a way I’ve never experienced before.
It contrasts so strongly with what I was faced with on her bus. I knew she slept with Griffin—we’d talked about it before, but just the thought that the being growing inside her might not be mine twisted a sick feeling in my gut.
