After about a week of arduous work and no downtime, Ollie dropped the massive stack of research on Walker’s desk. He flipped the guy off and walked out. Walker would get over it. Ollie needed to see Jeremy. His skin felt tight and his arms practically itched with the need to get Jeremy in them.
He’d received a text that Jeremy was at Scottie’s. He hadn’t wanted to go back to the condo where everything had happened. Before heading out, Ollie pulled some strings and stopped by the evidence room to pick up a surprise for Jeremy.
Thirty minutes later, he steered his motorcycle into the older trailer park. It had at least been cared for with nice landscaping with native plants, or at least what he’d come to think of as native, grasses, sunflowers, palms, a few medium sized magnolia trees, and live oaks. A line of crepe myrtles stretched across the center of the roadway, separating the left side and right side. Ollie slowed and made his way through the park, looking for unit 227 where Scottie lived with his girlfriend. He couldn’t remember her name.
As he pulled up, Jeremy stepped outside to the large wooden deck that had been added on to the front of the trailer. The wood was faded like driftwood, gray and brittle. Jeremy’s face mirrored the deck, fallen and sad. Ollie couldn’t have that. He needed Jeremy to be the sunshine in his world. “Hey, J. I have something for you.”
His eyes opened a little wider. “Yeah? What’s that?”
Ollie leaned forward and planted a little smack of a kiss on Jeremy’s lips. The corners of his mouth quirked up. “Wanna get out of here?”
“Is that it? A kiss?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
Jeremy sighed and looked at his bare feet. “I guess...”
“Hey...I’m kidding. I have something else. So grab some shoes. Come on.”
“Fine.” Jeremy went back in the trailer.
Ollie walked down the three dangerous looking steps to wait by his bike. A few minutes later, Jeremy came back out. This time he had his canvas shoes on with no socks, his every-day-wear board shorts, and a Panama Jack tank top—in faded pink. His shark tooth necklace lay over the top of his shirt. He looked perfect. The streaks of sun-bleached hair fell over his startling blue eyes. Yep, Jeremy was Ollie’s beach-boy dream come true, and when he slung his leg over the back of Ollie’s bike, Ollie’s heart pounded rigorously in his chest. When Jeremy’s arms reached around his waist, all that blood his heart pushed out on overtime, swelled in his dick. When Jeremy nuzzled his face against Ollie’s shoulder blades, his heart nearly stopped all the bouncing around. How could he ever walk away from this?
Ollie headed south toward a park that he’d found online. Less than fifteen minutes later, they were walking underneath the metal and brick gate that opened to a walkway that ran under huge oak trees. They had to be ancient, the way their branches stretched out, some swooped over and touched the ground, some stretched up to the sky, resembling some nature god with multiple welcoming arms. “Incredible.”
“When I was a kid, I used to climb trees like this. Maybe not any that old.” The light sparkled in Jeremy’s eyes at the fond memory.
“I’ve never climbed a tree.” Ollie stared at the reflection of the old trees in Jeremy’s eyes. They looked even better that way.
They walked a little farther into the park. “You’re very quiet.” Ollie stopped walking and popped a Lifesaver in his mouth.
Jeremy shrugged, holding back a little smile by pursing his lips together, but Ollie saw the little bit of happy infecting him.
“Jeremy. I’ve missed you, and I’m tired of acting like we’re nothing. This isn’t nothing.”
“Don’t. I can’t.”
“Listen. Please.” Ollie grabbed Jeremy’s arm and slid his palm over his warm skin. “I don’t know how, but I’m not letting this go. I—omph.” Jeremy practically jumped into Ollie’s arms. He held on like he was up in one of those trees and trying not to fall. “Hey...I mean it.”
Jeremy’s nose found Ollie’s neck and smushed against his skin. “Okay,” he mumbled into Ollie’s collar.
“Here. I have something for you.” He gently pushed Jeremy back, even though his arms didn’t want to let him go. He reached into his pocket.
“You said that. What is it?”
Ollie pulled the old pocket watch out and held it up. Jeremy slowly reached for it like a priceless gem that he was afraid to touch.
“Take it.”
“How? Geez...they said it might be months before I got it back.”
Ollie gave him a smug smile as he took the watch. “I pulled some strings. It didn’t seem fair for them to keep it.”
Jeremy held the watch in his hand. For one long second, the world stopped. Then Jeremy looked up with unshed tears glistening in his eyes. He pounced on Ollie again. Right then and there, Ollie knew. He wanted Jeremy flying into his arms like that every single fucking day of his life.
Thirty-One – Jeremy
Journal Entry: Tao, my path...I don’t know. Most of the time I’m freaking out. I can’t breathe. I have nightmares. I’m trying to wait for Ollie, but it’s so hard. He wanted me to stay at his place, but he’s not there much, and I don’t want to be alone. I’m going crazy. I’m frustrated. I want to go home.
The scream caught in Jeremy’s throat. It wouldn’t come out. Men stood around him, all in dark shadow. Dano’s face became clear. He moved in closer, leering. There was a gun. A loud noise.
Jeremy jumped. That scream still stuck in his throat.
He sat up and scanned his surroundings. He was at Scottie’s. On the ratty old couch. He exhaled slowly. Get a grip, Jeremy. Maybe he should add some amethyst or smoky quartz to his shark tooth necklace to chase the fuckin’ dreams away. He got up and padded into the kitchen for some water. As he reached out for a bottle in the fridge, his hand shook.
He wished he’d taken Ollie up on his offer. Maybe he’d be in his arms now instead of alone in the dark. He leaned against the fridge. He’d told Ollie he would try to work things out, but it didn’t feel like anything was working. Eventually, Ollie would finish with his job, his work, this case. He might have some time for Jeremy then, but for how long? Eventually, Ollie would have to go back to New York.
Jeremy needed to go back to Clearwater.
He tried to go back to sleep, but it took a long time. His thoughts kept circling. What he wanted and what he needed conflicted. He wanted Ollie, but he needed to forget all of this craziness and go home.
The next morning, Scottie nudged him awake. “Get up man. Let’s get some breakfast. I’m off today. We can do something.”
“Like what?” He rubbed his eyes. He needed the whole damn pot of coffee but settled for the mug Scottie offered.
“Don’t know. There’s always the beach. Yeah? Anything to get out of the house.”
Jeremy couldn’t argue with that logic. He checked his phone. There were no messages from Ollie. He sent a text that he was hanging out with Scottie. He hoped Ollie would call him back.
After breakfast, Scottie drove them out to the jetties. He wished for his skimboard, but he’d be happy to get his toes in the sand. He stared out the window, remembering his trip to the beach with Ollie. Why couldn’t his path include more of that?
“Hey.” Scottie tapped his shoulder. “You okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Really? ’Cause I don’t see that. I see you struggling. Is it Ollie?”
Jeremy rested his forehead against the cool window. “You’re too perceptive for your own good.”
“Or is it more than that?”
Jeremy didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure what to say.
“I want to help you, Cuz. You know? Family.” He touched his chest. “That’s what we do.”
Jeremy plastered a fake smile on his face, the best he could, and turned it on Scottie. “I’m good. No need to worry. I’m...unsettled. But I’ll figure it out.”
“Okay. I’ll leave you alone, but you know you can always talk to me. Always. About anything. Even that gay
sex stuff. Okay? I’m not gonna gross out over that shit. Promise.”
Jeremy couldn’t help laugh at his goofy cousin.
“That’s better. That smile was real.” Scottie pointed at him.
“Shut up and drive.”
The day at the beach helped settle Jeremy’s nerves, but he still hadn’t heard from Ollie. The hot sun energized him. The cool water rushed in and out with an infectious power. Jeremy had perked up, but not like he expected. Normally, a day at the beach like this would restore his soul. Not this time.
Scottie seemed to sense it and cut their day short. “We’ll pick up some food on the way home. Tabby-cat will appreciate that.” His girlfriend had been working all day so Jeremy could understand that. He had no arguments. He helped Scottie pack up their towels and drinks, and they headed home.
On the drive back, Jeremy finally gave in and texted. Ollie—want to come over for dinner? Miss U!
He stared at his phone all the way back into the city, waiting for the reply that never came.
They picked up dinner and ate together. Scottie didn’t say anything else to Jeremy, but he’d caught his cousin shooting him worried looks. He didn’t want Scottie to be concerned about him, but he was a little anxious about it all himself.
After dinner, Scottie cut open a watermelon that Tabatha had brought home. Juicy and sweet, it was refreshing. Scottie moved to hand him a second piece, and Jeremy jumped, grabbing his chest. “Hey, easy there.”
“Yeah...sorry. Thanks.” Jeremy took a juicy bite, ignoring Scottie’s scrutiny of him.
After a bit of awkward quiet, Scottie cleared his throat. “We probably should go do another check of Christy’s place. You know? Before we let the realtor in.”
“No.” The room got quiet, and they stared at Jeremy. “You can if you want.” He shrugged and finished his fruit as if it was nothing, but it wasn’t nothing. He didn’t want to go back to the condo. Going back to the condo would make him think about what had happened, and he didn’t want to think about any of it. Even though Ollie got his watch back for him, the cops taking his stuff made him feel doubly violated. He wasn’t ready to go there.
After dinner, Jeremy offered to wash dishes. Partly to avoid their concerned stares and blatant questions, and partly he wanted to help out since he was staying there. He squirted dish soap in the sink and added dishes. He washed them. Turned off the water. Went through the motions. Seemed the right thing to do.
“Jeremy? Jere.” Scottie nudged him.
“Uh, oh, sorry. Didn’t hear you. What?”
“You’ve been standing there a while. The water may be cold.”
Jeremy stuck his hand in the water. Cold. He didn’t realize...
Tabatha walked in behind him and rubbed his shoulders and back softly. “It’s okay. Why don’t you go get ready for bed?”
“Yeah.” Scottie gently pushed him away from the sink. “It was a long day. I’m wiped, too.”
“Okay. Sorry.” Jeremy headed back into the living room.
“Nothing to be sorry for, Jere. You’re good.” Scottie’s words should have been reassuring, but they weren’t.
He stepped outside and called Ollie. He needed to hear from him.
Ollie answered. “Jeremy. Sorry. I’ve been swamped.”
“I know. I do understand. I know you’re busy. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“I do, though. So, how was the beach?” Ollie sounded a little sad.
“It was good. It was the beach. How was work?”
“Ah...okay, but I don’t want to talk about work. I want to get it done so I can see you. I miss your face.”
Jeremy’s heart swelled, terrifying him. He said he’d try, but he was dying inside. When he wasn’t numb, he was in pain. “Yeah...okay...”
“Are you okay, J? You sound—”
“I’m fucking fine. Damn. Get off my back.” He was suddenly angry, wanting to lash out. He wanted someone else to hurt.
“Hey, hey. I’m sorry. It’s been hard the last few days. We should get together.”
“When?”
“Soon. I promise.”
He kicked at the railing of the porch. “Whatever.”
“No...J, man, I mean it.”
“It’s fine, Ollie. It is what it is.” He hated how he sounded. “Call me later.” He hung up. Talking to Ollie only made him feel worse.
He walked down the stairs, not knowing where he was headed. He wanted to walk, clear his mind. He didn’t want Scottie and Tabatha to see him so angry. He didn’t want to yell or take his frustrations out on them.
Eventually, he calmed and headed back in. Surprised at how far he’d gone, he couldn’t even remember the walk, and it had gotten late. Later than he’d thought. The sun had nearly set, leaving the trailer in darkness except for the porch light. Moths and bugs fluttered around the edge of the door where the light shown like a tiny beacon.
Tabatha had already gone to bed, but Scottie was waiting up. He stood up and stretched. “You okay?”
“I’m good. I mean it.” He clapped Scottie on the shoulder and turned him toward the hallway. “Go to bed.”
That night, Scottie woke him up, shaking him. He looked around. “What? What is it?”
“You were screaming.”
“Huh?”
“Jeremy.” Scottie sat on the side of the bed. “You’re not okay. You’re not handling this. I’m worried.”
“It’s normal. I was—I’m going to have some bad dreams, but they’re not killing me. I’m...”
“Jeremy?”
“Tired, Scottie. I’m tired. Go to bed.”
Scottie left him, and he lay there alone in the dark. His thoughts spun around, and he had trouble holding on to any one idea for more than a second. They were like the sand at the beach, slipping away from under his feet with each surge of the waves. He needed Ollie. Ollie would help anchor him to reality.
He grabbed his phone and stared at it a long time before putting it back on the coffee table. He didn’t want to wake him up. He didn’t deserve Ollie’s comfort. For the first time in his life, Jeremy had zero patience. He was damaged goods. Might even be going crazy. Ollie could do better than him. He was a beach bum, clinging on to some imagined sense of purpose, when there was nothing there—only excuses. Things weren’t going to work out between them. It wasn’t because he didn’t want it...
Ollie called the next morning. Jeremy didn’t answer, letting it go to voicemail. “J. It’s Ollie. Let’s get lunch and talk. Call me.”
Jeremy didn’t call. He sent a text. Don’t come over. I’m fine. Call you later.
This was all on Jeremy. Ollie was trying. He’d asked to come over, asked Jeremy to stay with him, but he’d said no. Jeremy held on to his stubbornness, trying to protect his heart. Though, he feared it was too late.
Thirty-Two – Jeremy
Journal Entry: Dano and his gang of losers scared the holy shit out of me. I’ve never felt so powerless. It had been my own fault for trusting Star and Nick. I’d never even realized my life was so fucking empty that I’d jump at anyone’s friendship, including murderers. Ollie told me they’d killed someone, and that could have been me. Thank the blessed Earth Mother for Ollie. Specialist Oliver Mendosa—my angel—my hero. I only wish I could’ve seen him push his gun in that bastard’s face. I’ve never been vindictive. So much anger and fear. I keep waking up from bad dreams, but I can’t remember what they are. I want to put it all in the past, yet it still feels like it’s in my face daily. And...and I can’t go back to Aunt Christy’s condo. I can’t. I keep thinking about what happened. I want to try and make things work with Ollie, but at the same time, I want to go home to Clearwater and start over. I want to be back where I feel safe and don’t have to think about what happened. At the same time, I don’t want to leave Ollie and my family. Ollie has been too busy with work to spend any time with me, and when he’s finished, he’ll go back to NY. Where will that leave me? Even more brokenhearted than I alread
y am. I can’t help thinking that this breakup has to happen. I need to go home.
Jeremy borrowed Scottie’s car while he went to work. He couldn’t be stuck in that trailer one more damn day. He headed to the beach. His internal batteries needed to recharge, and the waves crashing on the sand would certainly do that. The sun was glorious, but eventually he had to head back to town.
He drove around, aimlessly, not sure of what he was searching for, and eventually ended up driving around the neighborhood where his aunt’s condo was. He didn’t know why. He certainly wouldn’t be going up there. He didn’t even pull in the parking lot. He drove right past it without looking—much.
Up the street, he did pull in the parking lot of Coffee Kraze. What the hell? He needed coffee. He listened to the bells jingling as he pushed the door open and made his way to the counter. The smiling young woman greeted him, took his order. Normal. Everything was weirdly normal. The rest of the world should have been different, but Jeremy had been the only one affected.
He sat at his favorite little table by the window and stared out into the sunny day. He drew circles on the table and sipped his coffee and tried not to think.
“Hey, dude. Haven’t seen you around awhile.” His hippy-Tao-guide.
“Hey. Sit down.”
The guy shuffled his Birkenstocks that were falling apart across the linoleum floor and took a seat. He wore cut-off denim shorts with frayed white edges hanging down his thighs. It almost looked like a fashion statement, but his faded shirt gave him away. It had once been a red classic Coke with the swirl under it but was now pink, and only the C and part of the swirl were left as evidence of its previous life. That shirt, his shaggy hair, and John Lennon shades with the round lenses gave him that hippie vibe that Jeremy had come to associate with the guru. “Don’t mind if I do. So, how’s your path been going?”
Jeremy picked his cup off the table and noticed the slight shake of his hand as the past few weeks came back into focus.
Time for Love Page 13
