“More sure than I’ve been about anything in a long time.” I looked down and sought out his hand, wrapping my fingers around it. “I don’t think anyone else could have given me that gift.”
Chapter Nine
Long after we had left the golden arches behind, Tyler and I found ourselves sitting on the beach in front of his house. We’d traded the smell of the city for the salted air and the cawing of gulls. The space which he had been so careful always to maintain had disappeared as he sat close beside me with his legs stretched out in front of him. One of his tennis shoes had come untied.
I pointed this out to Tyler, and he grinned. “I’ll just take care of that, Mother Kelly.” He pulled one shoe off and then the other. Pointing at his socked feet, he asked, “Is that better?”
I nodded. “Much.”
He grinned and quickly took off my shoes, too. “Now we’re even.” He crossed one ankle over the other and leaned back onto his hands while staring at the sky. “Nice night.”
I looked up at the star-filled sky. “Yeah.” I slowly lay back, folding my arms behind my head. “The sky looks endless, doesn’t it?”
Tyler slowly nodded, his face shadowed by the moonlight. “It does. Then again, I guess depending on the way you look at things, anything can seem like that.”
For a second, I struggled with breath, all at once knowing how much I had expected my life to be endless yet quickly found I hadn’t really lived at all. I focused on one of the stars, wrapping my thoughts around the white-hot brilliance so far away. “What do you think happens when stars burn out?”
Looking down at me, Tyler smiled and lay next to me. “Is that a logical or philosophical question?”
“Philosophical.” I closed my eyes, wondering if I could find that same star among the rest. When I opened them, I spotted it immediately despite all the others clustered around. I didn’t know what made it seem to distinct, only that it was different enough that I could find it. I edged closer to Tyler. He moved, raising his arm as though welcoming me to lie on his shoulder. I shifted and lay my head against his chest.
“People make wishes on them.” He laughed as I rolled my eyes and snorted disgustedly. “That wasn’t what you meant, huh?”
“No,” I responded. “Not quite.”
He shrugged. “I don’t know.” He wrapped his arm around me. “There’re so many of them, but you know, one less bright flash of light is still something subtracted—something lost.” His hand toyed with my hair, wrapping it around a finger.
I closed my eyes and listened to his heart as it pumped blood through Tyler’s body. “Gary’s having an affair,” I finally managed.
Tyler’s body stiffened, and his hand stopped moving. “So is this about revenge, Kelly?” Despite the question, he spoke quietly, calmly. “If it is, there’s nothing I can give you to ease the damage.”
“No,” I answered, drawing closer. “I don’t want revenge. I just want to put it behind me. I want to go on from here.” Because that’s all I have, I mentally finished.
“Are you still in love with him?” Tyler asked.
I turned toward him and saw his eyes shining in the darkness. “No. I think we’re comfortable with each other, but that’s not the same thing as love.”
“Are you going to leave him?” Tyler asked softly. His fingers resumed the gentle stroking motion.
“I don’t know.” I thought about how limited my time was and what kind of effort the paperwork would be. “There are some other things to think about.”
“So why are you here with me?” He leaned over so his chin touched the top of my head. His hands softly brushed down my arms, leaving the skin he had touched more hungry to feel him again.
Because you don’t know me enough to pity me, and that means you can’t hurt me. A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed, trying to clear it. “Because when I’m with you I feel alive. I don’t have to think about the past or the future. There’s only now. Only right here with you.” I closed my eyes and pushed deeper into the inky blackness swirling in my mind.
“How long are you going to be here?” he asked.
Always before, my heart had sped up when I thought of time limits. I squeezed tighter against him as a sense of peace blanketed the rawness of my nerves. “Long enough.”
Tyler took a deep breath and held it. “Long enough? How long is that, Kelly?” His hand stilled as he laid his palm open on my arm.
I pushed my other arm underneath me and supported myself as I leaned over him, staring at his skin awash in the moonlight. “Long enough to find home.” I lifted my other hand and first traced his eyebrows, then his cheekbones and finally his lips. When I had completed the pattern, I lowered myself to him, first brushing my lips against his in an awkward kiss, then drawing deeper, tasting. He smelled of salt and sand and pine.
My fingers drifted down his chest, and I tugged off his shirt. Against his bare chest, I saw the hard, circular outline of the sand dollar. I touched it for just a moment before my fingers slid down his stomach and caressed his back as though I were blind and each small ridge and hollow of his body unfolded with language.
As I touched him, traversing the contours of his body, he gently removed my clothing and then the rest of his own. Tyler’s hand slid around the back of my neck, pulling me close to him until only the beat of my heart filled the swollen void of blackness where skin met skin. The darkness thickened, consuming me as our bodies danced together in the ancient rhythm of the tide. Tyler hovered over me, gently nudging me to the ground, lowering my head to the sand. He pulled the blanket around us. One of his hands stroked my neck, and my skin tingled at his touch until he became all I could feel.
You are home, a voice in my mind said. You live in this ocean, in this beach, in his man. The crisp sea rolling to shore washed away the voice as Tyler welcomed me home under the full moonlight and silver spray of stars.
* * *
Tyler stood before the ocean, just out of the tide’s reach. Although he had tugged on his jeans, he’d left his shirt lying in the sand beside me. His skin glowed lightly in the moonlight, and I savored the way he contrasted with the beach, the water, even the air, collecting the image of his bare back, absorbing the light of stars and moon that bathed the night. He bent and tossed a stone into the water before turning back to where I lay swathed in the blanket we’d brought from the house earlier. His hands rested at his hips with his fingers curled through his belt loops.
“Aren’t you cold?” I asked, cocooning my naked body more tightly in the covering, still shivering.
Tyler knelt and picked up his shirt. The sand dollar dangled for a moment before resettling against his chest when he stood. “No, not really.” He tugged the shirt over his head before sitting behind me and curling his body to mine. “Are you?”
“A little.” I shivered. “That’s quite a sky.”
“Um-hm.” He stared at me.
I pointed at the heavens. “You didn’t even look.”
“I’m more interested in this scenery. C‘mere.” He opened his arms for me to slide close to him.
I rolled over and faced him, staring at the way the hair at his forehead rose up slightly and then brushed away from his face. In the fragile light, his skin appeared dark, contrasting with his dark hair that flashed gold. As he looked down at me, I stared at the long eyelashes and thick eyebrows that accentuated his eyes. I tried to memorize each of his features apart from the whole of his face, as though I could see his cheekbones on someone else’s face, the line of his jaw on another man, but I couldn’t break the image of him that burned before me.
The lines of his face would not be detoured. Instead, I would travel them with my mind and heart, even as our bodies journeyed in this sand.
I lowered my head until it rested under his chin, snuggled by his throat. I could feel the vibrations under the skin as he spoke. “Kelly, do you regret this?”
“No regrets,” I answered quickly, settling myself closer. “I wanted i
t to happen.”
“What about Gary? What will you tell him?” His fingers moved to my neck, tracing the hollow point well below my chin.
“The truth.” Which is more than he offered to tell me, I thought. “I’ll tell him the truth when the time comes.”
“And how long is that?” He bent his head and kissed my forehead. I tried to shut away all the thoughts of my husband. With remembrance of him came the remembrance of the cancer. “Soon, Tyler, soon.” I brushed my fingers across his lips, trying to block his questions. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“I just want you to be happy, Kelly. You don’t seem at peace.” He lapsed to silence. As if sensing the words we had collected had been spent, he quietly rose, bent, and scooped me up. “I guess we’ll go inside, then.”
“I’m a little heavy, don’t you think?” I protested, wiggling my arms.
“Not if you stay still,” he said pointedly, wrapping his arms around me more tightly. “You’d hate to go for a midnight swim because I dropped you in the water, wouldn’t you?”
“Now that you mention it, yes.” I quit struggling and rested against him. He managed the steps quickly and carried me to the back door. Although I expected him to struggle with the sliding door, he tugged it open and took me not to the bedroom where I’d stayed the previous night, but instead to his. A fine netting hung from the ceiling around the bed, and I parted it with my hand so he could set me upon the bed.
“I’ll be right back,” he said, heading for the door.
“Where are you going?” I asked, untangling myself from the blanket we’d shared on the beach. I crawled under the covers, feeling slightly chilled from the night air.
“To get your clothes. I’m sure someone else would consider them an interesting find.” He grinned as I blushed.
“Hurry back,” I mumbled, curling into a ball, trying to get warm.
He paused at the doorway and rested one hand on the frame. As he peered at me, his eyebrows scrunched together slightly and he frowned as though concentrating on my face. “I will.”
I had almost crossed the threshold of sleep when I felt Tyler’s arms drape around me and his naked chest curl to my back. The chill vanished from my skin as I lay with him, and I slipped into blackened oblivion secure he was with me.
“Goodnight, Kelly,” he whispered softly, his voice caressing my thoughts as I slid away to my dreams.
* * *
Sunlight spilled through the window, and I opened my eyes, trying to blink away the residue of sleep. For a moment, I was disoriented, half-expecting the hotel room instead of Tyler’s bedroom. Then I remembered the night before. I slowly turned toward the other side of the bed and reached for Tyler. I touched bare sheets, and then a small, hard object--a shell that lay on his pillow where his head had once been. For just a second I curled close to the pillow which yet smelled of his cologne then forced myself into the shower.
When I emerged from the bathroom, I sought out a pair of sweats and a tee-shirt from his closet and quickly dressed before heading into the kitchen. Tyler had left the coffee pot plugged in, and I served myself a cup. He’d also left a small note propped beside it. I picked up the blue stationary and just stared at the patient curve of his handwriting before actually reading the words. “I’ve gone for my morning run. I’ll be back in a few.”
With my finger, I traced the shape of his letters, feeling each line and crook as though it were Braille and I had just learned to read with my fingers.
Setting the note back, I picked up my mug and wandered outside onto the deck. I scanned the beach, searching for signs of Tyler. In the distance, I could see a man running with a dog beside him, darting in and around his legs. Larkin.
I sat at the table on the deck and scrutinized the way Tyler ran, saving the arch of each movement as though I would one day translate it to canvas. As he approached, he saw me sitting at the table and waved while walking up the steps. A thick sheen of perspiration glittered on his face, and sweat stained his clothing.
“Morning, Kelly,” he said and leaned over and kissed me. “Nice to see you.”
I tried to duck away from him but didn’t make it far enough. He kissed my cheek and stepped back, smiling. “I get the message. Next I’ll get a shower. Fair enough?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
He strode past me and into the house. I stared at the beach in his absence and as I felt the uneasy sensation in my stomach, I knew the time had come to tell Tyler the truth about me, about my body, about us. It was way past time, perhaps, but I knew that once the words were out, he would look at me differently. That was what hurt.
Moments later, he emerged and quickly took the seat next to me. His brown hair appeared dark and heavy with water beading through it. In the strong sunshine, I saw a few freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks. These, too, I memorized before looking away.
“Is there something wrong?” he asked. “Are you sorry about last night?” He lifted one hand, touching mine.
I forced myself to meet his gaze. “No. I told you, no regrets.” My breath quickened, and suddenly breathing felt hard.
“Then what?” His fingers skimmed the top of my hand reassuringly. “What’s bothering you?”
“There’s something I haven’t told you. It’s not about Gary or my marriage. It’s about me.” I took a deep breath. “You know the headaches I’ve been getting?” He nodded. “Well, they’re a little bit more than what I’ve told you.”
He held up his hand and interrupted me before I could say anything more. “You don’t have to tell me this.”
I took his hand. “I know I don’t. But I think you should know. The headaches….” My voice trailed off. “They’re caused by the pressure of a tumor inside my head. It’s malignant. A matter of months— ”
“Don’t. Don’t say it.” Tyler moved closer to me and put his fingers across my lips. “I know. I’ve known since the you fainted and I found your prescription bottle.” He squeezed my hand. The smile vanished from his face. “My aunt. She had the same headaches, and the same painkillers.”
My shoulders slumped in relief. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew?” I asked quietly.
He reached toward my face and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I figured if you wanted me to know, you would have told me. And if you didn’t, I had no right to ask. Besides, you would have thought I’d pitied you, and that would have changed how you felt about me.” He stood and slowly walked around the deck. “I only have one question I’d like you to answer, Kelly. Did Gary start his affair before he knew, or after?” He stopped by the rail, his to me as he leaned over the rough timber.
“Before.” I watched him nod to acknowledge he had heard me before I asked, “Are you sorry you got involved with me?”
He stood and faced me. A slight breeze brushed through his hair, and his ocean-colored eyes washed over me again. “No, Kelly.” He walked toward me until he stood at my back, with his hands resting on my shoulders, gently massaging. “I’ll never be sorry for that. Ever. But you can’t just live in a hotel room. If you don’t want to go home because of Gary, you could stay here. With me.” His fingers stilled. “If you want.”
I reached up and touched his hands. “I expected a lot of things from you. But never this.” I tilted my head upward and stared at his profile as he watched the sea spill into the faint impressions his feet had left on the sand earlier.
“Let’s go get your things this afternoon, okay?” he asked, bending to kiss my forehead. His hands rested on my shoulders. “You can check out of your room. I know you like painting beach scenes.” He squatted in front of me. “If you were here, you could do it whenever you wanted.”
Our faces were inches apart and I could feel his breath softly caressing my cheeks. “So is that why you want me to move in? So I can paint seascapes?”
He shook his head and frowned slightly, as though he were in pain. “I don’t really care what you paint as long as you’re here with me
when you do. I don’t want to have to wonder how you’re doing in some hotel room or if you’re okay in Colorado. I just want you here.”
I nodded and looked at the floor. “Okay. But one condition, Tyler.” My voice wavered, almost breaking.
Tyler’s fingers squeezed my shoulders reasssuringly. “Name it.”
“When it comes close, I don’t want you at the hospital. I don’t want you to see me that way.” I chewed my bottom lip.
“Why?” His voice came out as soft as breath.
“Because it won’t really be me there. It will be the outside of a star shooting across the night before falling from the sky.”
Tyler stood. His chest and back were rigid as he paced. “I can’t promise that, Kelly.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I can’t promise I’ll leave you alone when you might need somebody to be there for you.” Although his arms hung at his side, his fingers curved into fists.
“Tyler?” I spoke his name softly. My arms wrapped around my chest as though containing all the pain I was holding inside.
He stopped pacing and looked up. “Yeah?” The sea within his eyes overflowed onto his cheeks.
“I won’t be alone.” I touched my chest. “You’ll always be there. If I hadn’t met you, I don’t think I ever would have known what it felt like to be alive.” My voice dwindled to a broken whisper as I began crying. “And now that I finally know, I can at least understand why dying hurts so much.”
I got up and crossed to where he stood, clutching the back of the dining room chair. Every muscle in his back and shoulders drew taut, as though the slightest pressure would snap them in half. I touched his back. His shoulders slumped as though giving out under a great weight. I moved in front of him and gently brushed away the twin paths of tears spilling down his face.
Once the tears were on my hands instead of his face, he grabbed them and brought them to his lips, softly kissing them. “I’m always going to wonder what brought you to this beach on that day, Kelly, and how it could be so perfect, if only for a little while.”
Rising Tides Page 9
