by Matt Shaw
I wonder if anyone would notice if I was eating fish fingers.
Best not risk it. Don’t want them asking any awkward questions or saying they’d rather have what I was eating. Although, thinking about it, I could always say there wasn’t enough meat to go around so I did the decent thing. No, hardly seems fair. To be honest, I’m still in two minds about dishing this up to anyone.
The kettle finished boiling, behind me, as I divided the meat between all of the plates - most of it going on the plate of my wife. The kids and I can have more potatoes instead. That’s fair. I span around and grabbed the kettle before pouring the boiling water into the waiting jug of gravy granules. I expect she’ll have something to say about the gravy... she normally makes it.... well.... properly.... but I never did learn how to do that. This is good enough. She should just be grateful I’m even trying.
A few quick whisks of a fork and I set the jug of gravy to one side, I’ll give it another stir after I’ve dished the potatoes up. I pulled the tray of roasts from the oven and spread them among the plates. Three on her plate and six on my plate and the plates of the kids. She probably won’t even batter an eye-lid... she rarely eats more than three spuds anyway. Reckons they’re fattening - not that she needed to worry about that.
The last item of food, to be put onto the plates, was the yorkshire puddings. Nicely browned off in the oven. Lovely.
Shit.
I’ve just realised I’ve forgotten any vegetables. I hate the bastard things myself but I’m pretty sure she’d be expecting me to cook some for the kids at least. Part of healthy diet and all that. Fuck. Perhaps I’d get away with just cutting up a raw carrot and bunging the pieces on the plates?
Fuck it. Not worth it. She’s only going to complain either way.
I stopped.
Really - can I really do this?! I’m not sure what’s happening today and I’m still not entirely sure this is the best course of action...
You decide what happens next!
He decides what’s done is done and takes the food through
He decides it’s not worth it and tells her dinner is ruined
She blocked me from leaving the room, “Wait.”
“What is it?”
“What about Leon?” she asked.
He’s dead.
I couldn’t tell her that.
Might ruin whatever it is that’s happening between us.
“You said yourself he hasn’t even wished you a Merry Christmas today. It doesn’t sound as though he should be the one stopping us from getting back together...”
“The things we’ve said...”
“We’ve both said things out of anger... out of anger. There’s nothing we can’t move on from,” I said. I moved close to her. “I love you and whatever I said - it was because I was hurting...”
And the things I’ve done - especially Leon - because I cared for her.
She didn’t say anything, just stood there with her pretty blue eyes welling up.
I smiled at her and wiped her right cheek when a tear finally rolled down it. “I love you,” I repeated.
Another long pause before she finally spoke, “So what happens now? Do I move back in? Do we just start dating again and see where it goes from there?”
“If you want to move back.... I’d like it....” I said. “Best Christmas present ever...”
She wiped her own the tears from her own face, “I’m so scared.”
“Come on, it’ll be great,” I insisted. “I love you. You love me. And the kids - imagine how happy they’d be....”
“I need to do what’s right for me,” she said.
She stepped away from me.
“I don’t know what to do.... what’s best...” she continued.
I felt her slipping from my grasp. If she changes her mind, I’m not sure what I’d do. I’m not sure where I’d go from here. If I can’t have her....
I don’t want anyone to have her.
Jealousy is a powerful emotion.
One I clearly can’t handle.
Leon can testify to that.
“I need to know....” I pushed her.
She went to say something but hesitated.
“Well, look, I really have to check the dinner....”
You decide what happens next!
She decides she definitely wants to give it another go
She can’t give an answer straight away
She says ‘no’
I walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I know, now, what needs to be done to make things easier for everyone - myself included. Having started the morning off hating her. I realised, now, that I still loved her. They say love and hate are one and the same. I don’t want to see her with someone else.... and I’m sure, when she realises Leon isn’t coming back, there will be someone else. She’s a good woman, despite what she’s putting me through. She’ll find someone.
She’ll always find someone.
The more the day has gone on, the more I’ve come to realise I can’t hurt her. Not like I originally planned anyway. I couldn’t put her through any real pain. Don’t even know why I thought I could in the first place. Should have known I wouldn’t have been able to follow through with it. Should have known. Stupid.
She obviously has mixed feelings for me. That much is obvious. She just realises we wouldn’t work out as a couple. I wish she’d give us one more shot but it looks as though her mind is made.
I turned to the sink where my razor was.
I know what needs to be done.
If I’m dead, there’ll be nothing stopping her from moving forward with her life. The kids will be better without me too. No more arguments between their mother and I - upsetting them. Their fuck-up father disappointing them again. How I even thought I’d make a good parent, with her dead, I’ll never know... what kind of father am I? Prepared to feed my kids human flesh and kill their own mother. I’m not a father. I’m a monster.
A fuck-up.
This is definitely for the best. I just hope my children are protected from what I’ve done to their mother’s new friend...
I placed the razor against my right wrist first and pressed it into the skin. A little wince of pain as the skin shredded open and the first few droplets of blood spilled out.
Okay, a quick downward motion. Always down. Never across. Across is just a pussy’s cry for help. This isn’t a cry for help.
I shut my eyes tight and pulled the razor down.....
After his death, at his own hand, his wife and children discovered his body in a thick, red pool of blood. His eyes lifeless and his wrists slit wide open. Despite hoping his children would be protected from his actions, they learnt every detail whilst growing up in a Foster Home after their mother had a complete mental breakdown and failed to care for them properly. Their childhood innocence destroyed forever.
~ FIN
I walked through to the dining room carrying the wife’s dinner first. I figured, I’d let her start her meal before the kids had their plates in front of them. That way, as long as she started with the meat, I could always take the kids’ food away again if she says it tastes foul. That’s the plan at least.
“No vegetables?” she asked. Her tone dripping in disappointment.
“It’s Christmas, kids shouldn’t have to eat vegetables on Christmas!” I said. Quick thinking. I impressed myself. Impressed the kids too as they both gave a joyous cheer.
“Meat and potatoes,” the wife continued, “a nice healthy, balanced meal.”
I left the room to fetch the kids their food. As I walked to the kitchen I called back to the wife, “Did you want me to get you a carrot stick?”
I heard her grumble but chose to ignore whatever she said. I refuse to argue over something as stupid as vegetables. I put my plate, and the kids’ plates, onto a tray and walked back to the dining room.
One for Sarah.
One for Ryan...
And - I put the final plate in front of my place se
tting at the opposite end of the table from my wife - one for me.
“Well, this is nice,” I said as I looked at everyone. It didn’t matter how we got here, it was just nice to see the whole family sitting together at a table again. Felt like old times again.
My wife was the last person I looked at... chewing her food with her mouth open, “Everyone okay?” I asked.
She picked up Ryan’s drink and took a swig from it. Swallowing hard she said, “The meat is a bit chewy....”
“Overcooked?” I asked.
Or just disgusting?
“Yes,” she said.
“I apologise,” at least she hasn’t cottoned on to the fact it’s actually her new lover.
I looked down to the meat on my own plate. It does look quite tough. Maybe if everyone just leaves it soaking in the gravy for a while longer it will be easier to chew. Easier to swallow?
I tried cutting a small piece out with my knife. Certainly harder to cut it compared to when I used the large kitchen knife, that’s for sure. Jesus - what have I done?
You decide what happens next!
He is filled with guilt
He suggests they let it soak in the gravy for a while
He tells them dinner is ruined
“Okay...” she said.
“Okay?”
“Yes... okay. Okay, I’ll give it another go.”
“We’ll....”
“What?”
“We’ll give it another go,” I said. “You said ‘I’...”
“Oh, right... yes, we’ll give it another go,” she said.
I smiled - the best Christmas present I could have expected. I nearly regret killing Leon. Nearly. Shit.... Leon...
“So what did you get me?” she asked.
“What?”
“You mentioned earlier - Christmas presents....”
I froze.
Need to think fast.
I can’t have her open the presents, under the tree... undo all the good work I’ve done. I want us to work out.
“Yeah,” I said, thinking on my feet, “I don’t think I want you to have them.”
“What?”
“You know, I bought them when.... I was angry at you....”
“Oh...”
She looked hurt. Already I’m starting to blow my second chance.
“They say it’s the thought that counts and, at the time.... the thoughts.... they weren’t the nicest. I was angry. I’m sorry... Let me take you away.”
“What?”
“A break for the New Year... you, me and the kids.” I was planning on taking the kids to Butlins but I guess, if it’s a holiday for all four of us - we can do better than that shit-hole. “What do you think?”
She smiled, “Sounds nice.”
I smiled too, “Anywhere you want...”
I just hope her idea of ‘anywhere’ is reasonably priced. As much as I want us to work out - not entirely sure I can afford to take the family to somewhere like Bermuda right now!
“The kids are going to be so happy,” she said. She walked over to me and gave me a huge hug.
“Happy enough to forget dinner’s probably ruined by now?” I laughed.
“I don’t care,” she said.
Even if dinner isn’t ruined. I don’t want her eating it. I don’t want anyone eating it. I’ll figure out what to do with the different pieces of Leon later. Might even dig myself a new pond in the back garden. We’ve always wanted one. He can be the foundation. Take some time off work - do it when she’s out of the house... no one will ever know.
“Should we tell the kids now that mummy and daddy are getting back together?” she asked.
Over a nice Christmas meal of Turkey Drumsticks and chips - the husband and wife told the kids they’d all be moving back in with daddy on the Boxing Day.
The wife never attempted to contact Leon again.
A year later - the husband and wife agreed to separate amicably.
Years later, when talking about their best ever Christmas - Ryan and Sarah would always remember the year when Santa gave them their mum and dad back.
~ FIN
Congratulations - you’ve found the best possible outcome for all concerned and the closest thing you’ll find to a ‘happy ending’ in any of Matt Shaw’s books.
I mopped some of the thick gravy up with the small piece of meat. A few seconds later, along with a few hopefully-unnoticed deep breaths, I fed it into my mouth and slowly started to chew - trying hard not to gag.
Actually... take away what it is. It’s not that bad.
I’d say - if a chicken and a pig got it on... and managed to have off-spring, this is what it would taste like. Maybe a little more salty than entirely necessary but, as far as meat goes, it isn’t actually as bad as my wife was making out.
“It’s okay,” I said, “if you leave it in the gravy for a while longer... soak it up. It’s quite good...” I swallowed.
My wife was just looking at me, as though I’d lost the plot and the kids didn’t know what to make of their meal. I stood up and walked around to their side of the table.
“Here,” I said, reaching over Sarah with my knife, “let daddy help...”
I started cutting the meat into smaller, more manageable pieces and gestured for the wife to do the same with Ryan’s.
“I don’t like it, daddy,” Sarah whimpered.
“Don’t be so silly,” I said, “you haven’t even tried it yet.” I shot my wife a stern look - this was her fault, all because she made a song and dance when she was chewing it. Had she just eaten it - the kids would have been none the wiser that there was potentially anything wrong with it.
With the cutting done, my wife and I sat back down - opposite ends of the table. “You should have let me cook,” she said, scooping some of the gravy across the plate so it covered the meat.
“You should have offered,” I replied.
A free meal - you’d think she’d be grateful. I hope for Leon’s sake, she loved him more when he was alive otherwise their whole relationship was a fucking sham.
I coated the meat on my plate with extra gravy too and turned my attention back to the kids. Bless Ryan, he was giving it a good go - chewing like an over-zealous cow chewing on grass. Sarah, on the other hand, was simply looking at the meat - a look of horror on her face.
“Honey,” I said, “if you don’t want to eat the meat, you don’t have to but you can eat the potatoes. You like roast potatoes.”
“I like mummy’s roast potatoes,” she whimpered.
I looked at the wife. She just sat there, pushing the food around her plate with that very same self-satisfied grin on her face, which she had earlier. If it weren’t for the kids, I could slap it straight off her face too. Smug bitch. To think... I’ve been having confused feelings about her during the day so far... nothing’s changed. She doesn’t deserve my love. She truly is poison.
This day will only end one way.
You decide what happens next!
Confused - he does still love her
He tells them all to skip dinner
“What say we dump this in the bin and find something else to eat?” I offered.
The wife looked up from her plate, “I think that’s probably the best thing you’ve said all day.” She stood up and took the plates away from the children before taking them through to the kitchen. I followed with her plate and my own after telling the kids to go and play in the lounge.
In the kitchen, my wife was scraping the food into the bin, “This is fucking typical of you....” she said.
“What?” I asked - internally laughing at the thought of her binning her ex.
“You couldn’t even get this right...”
“Well, at least I tried.”
I reached into the freezer and started sifting through the various frozen meals contained within. “Here you go,” I said as I pulled out a packet of Turkey Drumsticks, “a nice bit of turkey for Christmas lunch.” I reached back in and pulled out an op
en bag of chips. Should be just about enough here for everyone.
