7. When Angelina and Nick drive back to St. Augustine for their belongings, they believe God is leading them back to Rowe City and a job for Nick at Benson’s Hardware. Then, the new job presents itself, which means leaving their new friends and support system. Discuss how receiving an unexpected provision can mean giving up something else. What might Angie and Nick have done to keep their newfound support from Daniel and Kay? When has God met one need for your family, yet simultaneously created another? How did you react? Did that reaction help or hinder your marriage?
8. Nick doesn’t come home as planned for their first anniversary. What do you think of Angie’s reactions—her panic, anger, and detachment? What do you think of Nick’s actions—his neglect, avoidance, and attempt at reconciliation? Does it matter who did wrong first? Discuss what Nick and Angie could have done at each point to diffuse the conflict.
9. On the night of their third anniversary, we see a reunited and refocused marriage. Discuss how the previous two anniversaries affected Angie’s expectations. Angie has spent three years having conflicts with Nick regarding his gifts, but doesn’t tell him why she dislikes them until their third anniversary. When have you reacted negatively to your mate because of someone else’s actions, or because of a previous experience? Is it difficult for you and your mate to create your own meaning for items or experiences you’ve seen in other, possibly failed, relationships? Why, or why not?
10. Also at the third year mark, we see Nick and Angie active in church and growing spiritually. Did you think Nick would purchase the duplexes without Angie’s knowledge and agreement? Why, or why not? What did you think of Angie’s reaction? When Angie returns home, she refuses to reconcile with Nick or listen to God about their problems, and instead funnels her emotions into her paintings. What coping mechanisms do you use when conflict is present in your marriage? What should you do instead? How can you learn to have a healthy response rather than an unhealthy one?
11. At year seven, do you believe Angelina and Nick are as active in church as they were at year three? Why, or why not? Do you believe they are growing spiritually? What actions do you think support your opinion? Both Angie and Nick voice being scared about the condition of their marriage. Discuss what they could have done to address that fear.
12. With regard to the early years of Nick and Angie’s marriage, which character do you relate to most? Why? What do you see as their most problematic habits? Why? In your marriage, is it difficult to address fear without placing blame? Why, or why not? Discuss the difference between placing blame and assigning personal responsibility.
13. At this point, what marital problems are Angelina’s responsibility? Which ones are Nick’s? Discuss how marital conflict can be cyclical and complicated. What conflict in your marriage is most challenging? Can you trace it to the early years of your marriage?
14. If the usher (Lorenzo) hadn’t pursued Angelina at the wedding, would Angelina have found another coping mechanism for her loneliness? At this point, do you think Nick is as lonely as Angelina is? Why, or why not?
15. When Angelina learns of Nick’s arrest, she’s more concerned with the condition of her paintings than she is her husband. What things (children, job, possessions, status, pride, hobbies) are more important to you than your mate and marriage? What caused this discrepancy? Discuss how disappointment, hurt, conflict, and dysfunction can create a scenario where husbands and wives no longer focus on each other. Is there any area where you put other things such as those listed above, ahead of your mate? What problem is that causing in your marriage now? What bigger problems can that behavior lead to? What can you do now to stop that behavior? What do you need from God to stop that behavior?
16. By the first time Angelina is questioned by the state prosecutor, she is already contemplating divorce. Discuss how most of her musings involve avoiding future pain, rather than considering the origin of her current pain. How might Angelina’s marriage have been different if she’d obeyed God in the first ten years of her marriage? Even though Nicholas is clueless to the condition of his marriage, he does vividly remember times when he refused to do as God instructed. How might Nick’s life and marriage have been different, if he had obeyed God? Do you think he still would he have been arrested? Why, or why not? In what area have you refused to obey God in your marriage? What consequences are you living with now, because of that decision?
17. Nick’s arrest pushes him to repentance, yet after years of disappointment, Angelina can’t believe he is truly changing. Discuss how years of negative experience in a relationship can make trusting difficult. What do you think Angelina fears most with regard to trusting Nick again? What negative behaviors have injured trust in your marriage? What might God want you to do to rebuild that trust and closeness?
18. When Angie confides in Laurie regarding her marriage, Laurie responds “We reap what we sow. You sowed distance, so you reaped distance.” How did Angie and Nick sow distance into their marriage? How do you sow distance or conflict into your marriage? The law of sowing and reaping is reciprocal: by examining what we reap, we can determine what we have sown. What unwanted harvests are you reaping in your marriage? What did you sow to reap that undesired outcome? From now on, what can you sow instead, in effort to reap a better harvest? What is keeping you from sowing those good things?
19. Neither Nick nor Angie had a healthy relationship with their earthly father. Discuss how finding shared pain or lack with our mate can create common ground. What wounds or lacks do you and your mate have in common? How can both of you approach God about those areas? How can intimacy and closeness be enhanced by sharing God’s provision and healing with each other?
20. In the end, Nick and Angelina see their own contributions to the dysfunction in their marriage. And God instructs them to do now all He’d told them to do from the beginning. What lessons from God are you still learning regarding your faith? Regarding your behavior in your marriage? Discuss God’s willingness to continually teach us even when we’ve failed. How does God use Nick and Angie’s obedience to satisfy their spiritual hunger? To grow the love in their marriage? In what area of your marriage might love grow stronger if you are obedient to God? What is God asking of you regarding that area?
*If you or someone you love wants information or instruction about handling conflict in marriage, please visit my web site www.shelliearnold.com. There, check out YOUR MARRIAGE resources.
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Abide With Me (The Barn Church Series Book 3) Page 29
