There wasn’t any food in her house that wasn’t organic and she constantly carried around a liter of Evian or San Pellegrino water regardless where she went. He could say a lot about the way she treated him but she was a damn good mother and hands on in a way that Damira would never and wasn’t capable of being with Xander.
Shortly after her mother and grandfather left, Lin had showed up on her door step. She was a twenty-four year old nanny trained in Norway and had a Master’s Degree in Child Development. The nanny was a gift from her grandfather and not allowed to speak English to the baby at all therefore their son would grow up bi-lingual, even if one of the languages he knew wasn’t known by very many people.
Syd liked the idea of Lin but she didn’t want her to be on call twenty-four-seven so she also hired another nanny, Mairéad—who hailed from Enniskillen, Northern Ireland—and was fluent in Gaelic, aged twenty-six and also had a Master’s Degree in Child Psychology.
The two took turns with Baby Kaz and also were allowed to have a life of their own. In theory it was great but it was hard coming by to face two women who were young, attractive, and also took care of his child. His will to get laid was pushed and he’d fallen victim to his weakness by allowing himself to get pulled into an ill-timed affair with Faith.
There was much to be said about her but she was smart enough not to broadcast her issue with drug dependency and she was clean. Jaden hadn’t touched her in months and although she could easily find someone on the side, she preferred Kaz and he preferred her rather than a random groupie who would kiss and tell.
Often times he felt guilty because in the back of his mind, he still wanted Sydney. He knew they belonged together but convincing her of this was damn near an impossibility. She always avoided talking about them and always focused on the baby.
Until tonight when she looked at him with bright blue-gray eyes and smiled. “So, you’re getting down to the wire, aren’t you? Ready to leave the smoggy City of Angels for Vegas?”
“Yes and no. I mean, I won’t miss this place but I will miss seeing this little angel every day. I really do enjoy the time you let me spend with him. Thank you.”
Syd cleared her throat and switched breasts with the little one before she continued. “I don’t think it’s fair to deny you the opportunity to see your son and since he’s been born, you’ve been here. Hell, you used to check on me every week even when I would curse a blue streak and scream at you to leave me alone. You’ve always been a dedicated father and who am I to take that away because I decided to end our relationship?”
“What does that mean?” Kaz’s heart thudded in his chest and he could sense an opportunity—no matter how small—opening up to him.
“I bought a home in the same community as Paul and Jerrica. I know it’s a trek for you but with your concerts being three nights a week, there is plenty of room for you to sleep over when you come by to visit the baby.”
“Wait a minute. Are you moving to Las Vegas?”
“Do I have a choice? What’s holding me here? Talia and the band will be taking a deal in Vegas…it’s only a matter of time but she spends a lot of time there anyway because Jerrica lives there so we’ll see plenty of one another. My family is back east and my friends are going to be in Vegas too. What exactly is keeping me here in L.A. other than a home I can sell in a heartbeat?”
“True but I want you to be sure about this, Syd.” He stood up and looked out the window. The view was more ostentatious houses, pools, and blue skies ringed with smog. “I would feel terrible if you’re doing this because you feel a sense of duty to me that shouldn’t be there. You don’t owe me anything and perhaps if I’d treated you like a human being instead of merely the object of my affection, we would have ended up in a much different place than we are now.”
Kaz turned toward her and she stood before she set Baby Kaz in his crib, turned on the gentle rocking mechanism and pressed play on the iPod Classic mounted to small speakers. The music that played was classical at a very low level and apparently, Baby Kaz slept quite peacefully to it.
She readjusted a sexy, black lace bra that didn’t look like a nursing bra at all and buttoned up her peasant blouse.
“Listen, nothing that happened between us was your fault. I was the one who fucked around on you and with your brother no less. You should have hated my guts.” Syd sighed and strolled over to him until they were only a foot away from one another. “My hormones were crazy and you have no idea how terrible I feel about the way I treated you. Any other man would have told me to go ‘fuck myself’ and walked away but you didn’t. I will always appreciate that and you have earned a place in your son’s life. What, exactly, is holding me back from moving? I don’t have any ties here and all the money in the world. Money is freedom, true freedom—I can buy ten more houses in any city I desire and I wouldn’t even put a dent in my trust fund. I’m luckier than most and I know that.”
“But what about work? I know you are heavily involved in charities, especially projects having to do with AIDS research.”
“I’ve already spoken to Jerrica and she has put me in touch with some wonderful and talented artists from Rwanda, South Africa, and Senegal. They can’t afford the supplies they need to make the beautiful art work they create so I’m gathering a bunch of donors and we’re holding a charity ball the week before Christmas. We hope we can raise enough money so they can afford their artist visa fees to come work here in the United States.
“As an incentive, however much money we raise, I will match it out of my own trust fund. I look at it as the least I can do with all this money I didn’t spend a day earning. If I can’t help someone else then what good am I except a waste of space? However, charity begins at home and the first person I owe a favor to is you. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, Kaz. Just say you’re happy I’m coming to Vegas to live with our son.”
He laughed out loud before he threw his arms around her and kissed her cheek. “I am fucking ecstatic!” As he pulled away, he looked a bit sheepish. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to manhandle you like that.”
“No harm done.” Syd smiled again and her steel-blue eyes seemed to light up the room.
“If I wasn’t such a fucking alpha male douchebag in the first place, I would have asked you…what I would like to ask you now. One, will you accompany me to Vegas and two, will you marry me? Please, I am begging you…do me a favor and put me out of my misery.”
Chapter Fifteen
Say Yes
I KNEW WHAT my answer would be to his question before he asked it. Who was I kidding?
It would be a disservice to both our child and my own selfish desires to allow him to keep fucking Faith. That duplicitous bitch had no morals or scruples and since Jaden hadn’t exactly ended anything with her yet he wasn’t doing his boyfriend duties either, she and Kaz had been getting together for old time’s sake.
I didn’t consider it cheating since I’d left him while pregnant with no explanation and at the time, I didn’t even understand what I was doing. I was so confused and my hormones had me completely insane, I’d convinced myself raising our child alone was better than being with Kaz.
I still couldn’t imagine what was going through my head but God knows no matter what we went through, I never stopped loving him and he’d made it impossible to allow me to forget him. No matter what he was doing, he would stop by at least once a week to check on me.
Sometimes I wouldn’t answer, other times I would and screamed my head off at him to leave me the fuck alone. I was certifiable and if he had wanted to, he could have hired an excellent attorney to snatch the baby from me and hand over full custody to him as soon as Baby Kaz had left my womb.
Instead he was kind and patient. He never raised his voice and he never reacted to my outbursts, no matter how crazed, immature, or selfish I acted and men like him were a rarity.
We had been through rough times no matter how I sliced or diced it and I had to believe there was a reason to it all. Our
coupling had been so easy because we’d just met and all we could see was the beauty of everything but true love involved the ugly too and we’d both had our “ugly” moments.
Kaz’s came when he turned into a possessive, caveman alpha male who stopped asking me what I wanted or needed and started telling me what I would do.
Mine came when he promptly left to seal a contract to perform in Vegas for two years and I knowingly slept with his half-brother while pregnant with our son.
Whose ugly was worse, and yet who was I to make any judgments when we were both at fault for our relationship taking the nose dive it had endured?
I could admit I was smarter and wiser from the decisions we’d both made because I still loved Kaz. I don’t think I’d ever fallen out of love with him and he was the only man who had and would ever own my heart. I remembered the bad times but we’d also had so many more good times and it was worth it to me to make a fresh go at our relationship.
The problem was I wanted to be a single mom until I’d been thrust into the position. Yes, I was luckier than most single mothers with two nannies, an unlimited trust fund and a kick-ass and very famous best friend who helped me through the crying spells and always managed to put me back together again whenever I fell apart. However, Baby Kaz needed his father and I couldn’t really believe being surrounded by women with no male figure to bond with would be an appropriate way to raise my son. His father was begging me to come back and how could I possibly say no when I knew how I felt about him?
We were meant to be together whether my stubborn pride denied it or not.
All that wasted time between us had amounted to nothing and neither of us were really happy without the other. Was this honestly a decision I needed to contemplate and mull over when I knew I wanted him just as much as he wanted me?
I stepped closer to him until we were merely inches apart and my breasts brushed against his chest.
“Yes, Kasper Gillian, I will marry you.”
“Really?” His aquamarine eyes brightened before he stretched out his arms to embrace me before he stopped. “Do I have permission to embrace my fiancée?”
I placed my hands against his firm chest before I reached up and kissed him on the lips. “You don’t have to ask my permission for every little thing but I do expect you to consult me on the life changing stuff—you got that?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Kaz said before he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him. “I have been patiently waiting for you to change your mind since you left me and all I could think about was what if you’d said no?”
I arched one of my perfectly shaped brows. “Would that really have deterred you or would you have continued to wear me down until I said yes? I admit it, I was selfish and stupid and so wrapped up in me, I couldn’t understand how much I was hurting the people around me. I even pushed my mother and grandfather away. They thought it was just an angry phase and finally that part of me who’d buried herself and the fact that she was a bastard her father didn’t want emerging.
“At the behest of both of them, I started seeing a psychologist and I realized beneath my shallow exterior lurked a lot of anger. Not over my family but it did derive from my real father and him never being there for me. I finally did get the nerve to call Benjamin Branaugh…my real father…and we spoke for about a half an hour. I understand he is a United States Senator and the last issue he needs is an illegitimate daughter but I also explained it wasn’t about him but…I needed to go through the experience of communicating with him in order to start the healing process. Without it, I will forever be broken because there is a part of me that is lost and unknown.”
I paused and swallowed hard. “It wasn’t an easy conversation for either one of us to have but I realize all this time we have both been missing out on something. He missed a daughter he never got the opportunity to know and I needed to speak to a father who will always be a part of my life because he is genetically half of me—whether I want him to be or not.”
“I want to thank you for telling me this because you mean a lot to me and I’m happy to hear that you have settled some of the demons in your past.” His hands touched my face along the jaw line and I couldn’t help my fingers as they ran up and down his arms. “You now know something about my past I wasn’t willing to share and you’ve known for a while because Talia showed you the photographs and Cillian probably filled you in on a detail or two. I think you understand now why I was drawn to my real father. He is a charismatic man who is still good looking and extremely crafty, even at his age. The problem for me was I wanted his love and acceptance, and I was willing to do anything to get it.”
Kaz sighed before he looked past me at our son sleeping in his crib. “I was and still am a member of the club but I pay handsomely to not have to participate in any illegal activities nor do I want to know what is going on. As far as my real father is concerned, I’m nothing but a cash register and I’m happy to oblige just so I don’t have to see my sons follow down that same path.
“The Vegas deal, along with the recording contract I have as a member of Scarlet Fever, was done because I want to leave a legacy behind for Xander and Baby Kaz. I don’t want them to ever have to make the same decisions I did and I know they will make mistakes but they won’t be for the wrong reasons. Hopefully they’ll never have to live with the ghosts I put up with every day. I can only hope and dream their future will be much brighter than mine was and they won’t ever have to make a deal with the devil just to earn my approval.”
I put my fingers against his mouth and he kissed them sweetly. “I know why you did what you did, sweetie. All I am asking for is a voice in this relationship. Yes, I have agreed to marry you but that means we have to take it one step at a time. I know we are engaged but I think we should keep the living arrangements as is for the time being. Perhaps when we get to Vegas and are both settled, after we get married, we can use both homes to go back and forth. Summerlin is closer to the hotel than Lake Las Vegas is and that can be our getaway place when we need to escape the world.
“In the meantime, I need this time to adjust to our togetherness again and although I love you with all my heart, I can’t make love to you yet. Let’s start again but this time, let’s do it right. You’ll court me the way you should have and we’ll have date nights and fun times…therefore when we are sure we want to take that next step, we’ll know it’s for real and we mean it.
“I promise you I won’t ever sleep with another man once you become my husband. I’ve been there, done that…a few times…with the same individual…but as much as he can make me feel physical pleasure, he doesn’t satisfy me here.” I held my hand over my heart. “You’ve owned this from the first time you told me you loved me although I’d already fallen for you. I’m yours but you have to slow down and make me believe you want the same as I do. We can make this work but we both have to do our part. Love isn’t just something that grows and flourishes without effort. We have wronged one another and we will have to fight to keep our love strong each and every day.”
Kaz kissed my lips and this time it was a soul-encompassing, full embodiment of what he felt for me with tongues swirled together and our breath came hard and heavy when we separated. “Baby, you’re the air I breathe and you’re the beat of my heart. You make me want to be stronger person because I know what I’m fighting for. You. Our son. Us. It’s always been about the love we have for each other and I’ll fight until the breath in my body ceases to exist. I love you and I always will.
“Nothing about us getting together was fate or destiny but it has absolutely been my favorite mistake and I embrace every part of our relationship because without hate, there can be no love. Without scars, there can’t be any healing. And without lies there can’t be any truth. You’re my truth, sweetheart, and you always will be.”
I smiled before I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his neck before I whispered in his ear, “That is one of the most beautiful and poetic things y
ou have said to me and I love you that much more.”
Kaz pulled away and looked me in the eyes. “You better, woman, because if Cillian even so much as creeps in your direction, I will break both his legs.”
I laughed out loud. “You’re absolutely certifiable but I love you anyway.”
“OKAY, SO LET me get this straight? Kaz asked you to marry him yet again and you said yes?”
I sat across from Talia and enjoyed a glass of Pinot Noir. Baby Kaz was at home with Lin and I’d left enough breast milk to safely pump my breasts and dispose of the milk that would contain traces of alcohol.
“Yes, I did.” I sighed and sipped from my wine again. “Listen, I’ve already bought the house in Vegas and I was going to follow him anyway because my son needs his father in his life. I’m not looking for anyone else and now that Cillian is in a stable relationship, what other options do I have? I’m not marrying him out of pity or because I’m desperate. I am still in love with him and I want to be with him. What exactly is the big deal?”
Rock My Heart Page 12
