by S. Moose
The moments pass and I watch her in the incubator. She’s beautiful, but so tiny right now.
Thinking about Gillian, I smile. She’s part of me and Bayleigh, mixed together, into this beautiful baby who keeps beating the odds. A rush of joy and happiness hits me. I love my daughter.
When Carrie and Mandy come down to see Gillian I head back up to Bayleigh and see Seth reading her a book.
“It’s her favorite,” he says, and passes me the book. I look at the cover and smile. This is her favorite. She’s read it several times and I know it’s the book that always makes her happy.
“The Notebook,” I mutter. Taking the book from Seth, he pats my shoulder, and leaves the room. Sitting down on the chair I pick up from where he left off and read a few chapters before stopping and looking at her.
“So, I was thinking about something,” I tell Bayleigh. “When you and Gillian are home, I promise we’re going to travel. We’ll take her to Florida and everywhere we went. We’ll travel to Colorado and spend time there. I’m going to take time off work and share every moment possible with you and our daughter. We’re going to see the world and show her what it’s like to live.”
I smile thinking about the future. We’re parents now and as parents, we have to make sure she’s safe. Being parents means loving your child unconditionally and doing everything possible to make sure they’re safe while they learn about the world. We’ll show her the beauty around us and give her life lessons. I’m sure we’ll mess up and question our decisions. Team Scott will be strong. I know this.
“I’m going to head back to our daughter. I’ll be back, baby.” I get up and lean down, kissing her forehead and hold the kiss for a few moments until I lift my head and walk out of the room.
Asking my mom and Carrie to go to back to Bayleigh’s room in case she wakes up, they leave after hugging me and it’s just me and Gillian in the room.
“Hi, baby girl. Daddy’s back.” She looks up at me. Her eyes are beautiful and remind me of her mom’s. “Do you know how special you are to me? I love you so much and I’m going to admit that I’m scared out of my mind.” She bounces and her little arms are in the air. “Yeah, I’m glad you’re cheering for me.”
Sitting down in the rocking chair, I tell her the story about how I met Bayleigh and she stares at me. It’s hard to describe the moment when your daughter looks at you and you see your world in front of you. It’s a sudden rush of love and joy, mixed with fear and uncertainty.
Putting my hand through the hole in the incubator, I feel her hand in mine. She’s so small. “I love you Gillian. So much.”
“Tyler.” I look and see Craig coming into the room. He looks at Gillian and cries. “I can’t keep up and pretend I’m okay,” he tells me.
“I get it, sir.”
“The doctors are saying the same thing. There’s been no change.” I put my head down and sit in the rocking chair. It’s the same thing for the past few weeks. No one can tell us anything good.
“They’re monitoring her and besides her not waking up, she seems fine.”
I nod my head and at least there’s something to be thankful for. The damage is unclear and everything happened so fast I can’t explain what happened.
“We have to keep the faith and be strong for both of our girls.” I nod my head in agreement.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” I reassure him and myself.
Tyler
SITTING IN THE room with Gillian, I’m on to the story about high school and senior year. She’s smiling, I think, and listening to everything I’m telling her.
A nurse comes in smiling and tells me the greatest news.
“I can hold her? What if I break her? Will you be here? Should I get my mom?”
“Tyler,” she laughs and does her thing with Gillian. My eyes stay on her and I wonder if she’ll hurt my daughter. Then I think she’s a nurse and knows what she’s doing. Jackie’s our morning and afternoon nurse. I’ve gotten to know the fifty-year-old woman with bright brown eyes and short hair. She’s a sweet woman and tells me stories about her grandson. She thinks they should meet for a playdate and I tell her not for another thirty years.
“Are you ready to hold your daughter?”
“I think so.” As soon as Jackie places Gillian in my arms, my whole world stops and everything is clearer.
Clarity.
Everything makes sense and my reason for being here is solidified. Love fills my chest as Jackie moves to the side and gives me space with my daughter. The way she’s looking at me and feels in my arms is something I don’t ever want to go away. Slowly sitting down in the chair, I press my lips softly to her forehead.
“Hi baby girl. You’re so strong and beautiful.” I look at her and smile. “The world is in my arms. My world is you. You mean so much to me and I hope you know how much I love you.”
Her hands touch my nose and I hold her close. I never want to be far from her ever again.
Feeling like a hero, a father, is full of pride and joy. Bayleigh and I made our beautiful daughter. She’s here because we’re supposed to grow old together and experience forever.
Supporting her head like Jackie showed me on the doll we used, I bring my arms lower and get comfortable, making sure everything is okay. I look up and Jackie nods her head.
Everything is so small. Her hands, her face, her body, and even her toes. Sadness also rushes over me.
“Don’t you worry. Mommy is going to wake up soon and she’s going to see you. You’re going to hear her pretty voice and feel her loving arms. Do you know how pretty your room is? We decorated it with love and lots of pink,” I laugh and slowly rock. “Mommy has pretty dresses for you and I think you have a pair of baby boots. Only the best for our baby girl. You’ll never know anything, but love. Now if you make a mistake, we’ll talk about it and if we make a mistake, then both your grandmas and your grandpa will probably yell at us.” I bring Gillian closer to my chest and stare into her eyes. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how small she is and that I’m a dad. It’s the most surreal feeling.
“You know what, baby girl? When mommy wakes up, she’s going to hold onto you forever. You were in her tummy and then came into the world. Even though she hasn’t seen you yet or held you, doesn’t mean she’s not excited.” I cry and use my shoulder to wipe the tears. “She’s sleeping right now and we have to be patient. For now, it’s you and me, baby girl.”
She scrunches her nose and her lips slightly part. Lifting her up higher, her hands touch my face. In a way, I think she’s telling me it’ll be okay. Softly singing a lullaby, her eyes slowly close and I’m rocking my daughter to sleep. Nothing else matters in this moment except this bond I’m forming with her.
This type of bond doesn’t go away. It’s forever-just like Bayleigh and I.
There’s a knock on the door and my mom and Mandy come in. They smile at the sight of Gillian sleeping and I shake my head, hoping they know not to make any noise.
“Oh honey,” my mom whispers. “She’s so beautiful. You did good, son.”
“Thanks.”
“Ty, we got an outfit for her and some things from the house.” Mandy looks at my mom, then back at me. “Why don’t you take this and we’ll stay with Gillian for a little bit.” Before I can argue, Mandy urges me to take the envelope and tells me it’ll be okay.
“Go to her, Tyler. You haven’t seen her in a few hours.”
“I don’t want to leave her. What if something happens?” I look at Jackie and she smiles. “I really don’t want to lose her.”
“You won’t.” My mom tells me. “You have a little warrior in your arms. She’s the exception to every medical reasoning out there. She’s made it this far and she’ll be perfectly fine. Your love keeps her strong, just like your love for Bayleigh.”
I swallow the emotions building in my chest and close my eyes. The thought of losing my girls guts me.
“Okay,” I give in and hand Gillian to my mom. “P
lease be careful. I’ll be back.” Taking the envelope, I make my way to the ICU where Bayleigh’s resting. I refuse to believe she’s in a coma. No. Her eyes are closed and she’s taking a nap. That’s all.
Damon, Seth and Craig look at me and smile. They pat my shoulder and walk out of the room, giving me time alone with Bayleigh.
Sitting down, I take her hand and kiss it. “Hi beautiful. So, you’re going to be proud of me. I held Gillian and rocked her to sleep. I think she likes my voice because when I started singing, she closed her eyes. I’m a natural,” I laugh. “She’s waiting for you to wake up so whenever you’re ready, please do that. It’s been a few weeks and we’re ready for you to be with us again.” I look at the envelope in my hands and sigh. “You wrote me a letter. I don’t want to read it because I know it’s a goodbye letter. The thing is Bayleigh, you can’t say goodbye. We need you okay?”
Fighting the urge, I give in and open the letter. Unfolding the paper, I see the words and let the tears freely fall down.
Forever love.
A forever love means you can’t live without that person. When you close your eyes, the image you see is the two of you holding hands, sitting on the porch, and watching your grandchildren playing in the yard. You look over, smile, and whisper “we’ve lived a good life.”
You are my forever love, Tyler.
I know you’re upset right now and I’m so sorry. If you’re reading this letter, then I’m in heaven. I’m watching over my two favorite people; my two hearts. You and Gillian mean the world to me and I’m sorry I had to go. The thing about life is sometimes it’s not fair. Right now you’re heartbroken and I get it. So am I. You have to be strong though. Please don’t break or go into the dark. You need to fight because this is the most important fight of your life.
I’ve left letters and a journal behind. Please read each one on the days marked, and read the journal to our daughter. There are letters for our daughter for the big moments of her life. Give her the letters and remind her how much I love her. Don’t let her think I left because I wanted to.
I want to thank you for giving me the best life. You’re my best friend, my lover, my forever love and the father of my daughter. You are everything to me. Life makes sense when we’re together. There’s no math or logic when it comes to us. When I’m in your arms, I feel so safe and the world makes sense.
Everything with you makes sense.
I know I’m not with you, but in so many ways I am. We created Gillian Nicole together. She has a piece of me and a piece of you. Our little miracle is going to love you so much. The way I love you.
If you could see what I see, then you know it’ll be okay. You’re the strongest man I know, Tyler. I never want you to forget that.
The moments we lived are the moments I’ll forever hold. Those are the moments that made us feel alive. Those moments made us . . . Us.
When you take her home, show her the world. Show her the places we went to and fell in love. Remind her every day how much you love her and need her. Be strong for her because she’s going to need you. Love Gillian like you love me. Don’t blame her or hold resentment. You have so many people who’ll be with you.
Now . . . All because I’m gone doesn’t mean you should be alone. Our chapter is over. I know it’s hard to think, but it’s the truth. You gave me the best story ever. Our story is over, but will forever live on in our daughter. Promise me you’ll open your heart again. Don’t think about it now and don’t forget you deserve to be happy as well. Someone is going to come into your life and heal you. She’s going to love you and our daughter. And that’ll be perfectly fine.
This is your chapter now with Gillian. Write it and live it.
I love you so much.
I love our daughter with my whole heart.
Forever,
Bay
Leaning my head against her hand, I cry. She can’t leave and I refuse to believe she’s gone.
A hand touches my shoulder and I look up to see Seth. He looks at me and then at her.
“She’s going to be okay,” he tells me and grabs another chair to sit down. “Don’t stop believing or fighting for her.”
“I know.” I hold her hand tighter. “She wrote me a letter. A goodbye letter. I won’t accept it.”
“She wrote all of us letters,” Seth says, looking at Bayleigh and taking the letter from his pocket.
The room grows quiet as Damon, Mandy and Serena come in. They take turns talking to Bayleigh, telling her about Gillian, and when she wakes up, they’re going to yell at her for the letters.
“Sweetie, I know you can hear me so open those eyes and come back to us,” Mandy cries. “You told me you wouldn’t leave, so I’m holding you to that. Your mini you needs you.”
“She’s so beautiful and soft,” I join in and tell her. “She looks up at me and I think she’s wondering where her mommy is, so come back to us. Come back and live this life with all of us.”
“I need you, Bayleigh,” Damon says and stands behind Mandy. “Who else will keep my schedule organized?” He forces a laugh and wipes his tear. “Who else will keep us all in check?”
“I’m not ready to watch over this knucklehead,” Serena coughs and shakes her head.
After an hour, everyone leaves the room. Sitting next to her, holding her hand, and talking about the past, I lay my head on her hand and close my eyes, whispering for her to come back to me.
Tyler
THE SUN BEAMS down on me. I feel light and good. Walking around the grassy area, I see a dark figure and close my eyes a few times before the figure comes into focus as someone I know.
“Ryan,” I smile and meet him, bringing him in for a hug. “Man, I miss you.”
“You too, big brother.”
“What’s going on? Where are we?”
Ryan smiles and I follow him to another room. It’s my house. My house with Bayleigh and things feel light and good. I hear laughing in the other room and follow the wonderful noises.
Inside the living room, I see Bayleigh sitting on the floor with a little girl with bright ocean blue eyes and long blonde hair. She looks like she’s about four years old.
“Mommy! Mommy! Tell me about daddy again. About how he’s your prince.”
Bayleigh smiles and tugs the little girl down.
“Gillian, you already know the story.”
“I want to hear it again, Mommy.”
Gillian.
“What does this mean?” I whisper to Ryan. He looks at me and the answer I’m waiting for is in his eyes. “She’s going to be okay?”
Ryan nods and we walk outside to the deck, sitting down, feeling the sun again.
“I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, but you need to let that go. I came back and found peace.”
“But,” I try to answer, shaking my head and rubbing my hands on my thighs. “I did and said a lot of shitty things to you, man. I missed out on two years and can’t imagine the pain you were in.”
“That’s the thing. Even though I was in pain, I knew I wasn’t alone because I had everyone back home. I needed to sort through my demons before I could ever show my face. I’m not mad at you, Tyler.”
I hang my head and listen to him talk. Hearing him tell me about his demons and forgiving me is a lot to take in.
“Right now, like I said, I know you’re hurting, but there’s no reason to be. You have a beautiful little girl who loves you and needs you to be strong. Bayleigh,” he talks. “She needs you to be strong, too.”
Hearing her name is hurting my chest. Even though I saw the scene before my eyes a few minutes ago, I can’t help to wonder if it’s real.
“She’s going to be okay.”
“How do you know?” I roar, fisting my hands on my thighs.
“Man,” he laughs. “I’m dead and I know all.”
“It’s hard to think about that. She’s been in a coma for so long and everyone is telling me to be strong, but fuck I can’t. Do you know when I held Gillia
n in my arms, I nearly choked on the pain in my chest? Thoughts went through my head and I kept thinking about if she dies and I have to raise our daughter on my own. If that happens, how will I ever love my daughter?”
“Well, it’s not going to happen. She’s going to make it through and the love of Gillian will make her stronger. Just like the love you have for her. Love is a powerful emotion and can create miracles. Man, look at me. The love I have for Bayleigh kept me alive a little longer than I should have been. Don’t you see how powerful our hearts are?”
I nod and don’t respond. We sit in silence and watch the clouds move through the sky and the sun slowly going down to rest.
“Will you always be around?”
“Yes,” he answers and looks at me. “I’m here, big brother, and trust me when I tell you everything is going to be okay.”
Tyler
BRUSHING HER HAIR from her eyes, I sit down and look over to see everyone in the room watching her. It’s been a few days since I had the dream. My spirits are lifting and I believe my brother. I know she’s going to be okay.
Leaning down, I kiss her forehead. “Wake up, beautiful girl.” She doesn’t flutter, but the machines make noises and I look up to see what the fuss is all about. The lines on the machine jump up and down and something inside me bursts. “You can do this, Bay.”
“Gillian,” she whispers weakly. “My daughter. Where’s my daughter?” Craig springs out of the room to find a doctor and everyone else comes over and surrounds the bed. “Ty,” she whispers again. “Ty.”
“I’m here.” I hold her hand and bring it to my lips. “Open those eyes, baby.” Holding her hand, I see a small smile on her face.
