by Ilsa Evans
Maddie didn’t answer, because it was the truth.
‘It’s killing you, isn’t it? The idea that they chose me.’
‘You probably bribed them. Or lied, just like you did today.’
‘Hard to face facts, I suppose.’ He smiled sympathetically, then took another sip of wine and put his glass down on the bench. ‘Okay then, do you want to get serious or do you want to continue talking about everything that happened today? Because I’m happy to, if that’s what you want. More than happy. In fact, I can even give you a few pointers on where you went wrong.’
Maddie continued to stare at him, making a huge effort to keep her face expressionless.
‘Or maybe you’d like our new address.’ Jake raised his hand to her eye level and then clicked his fingers, the sound fracturing the air between them. ‘I know! You wanted to plan a surprise house-warming and now I’ve gone and fucked it all up. Bugger.’
Maddie took a deep breath so that she could push the words out. ‘Can I see them?’
‘Ah! Now that’s a reasonable question.’ He leant back against the sink and regarded her thoughtfully for a while. ‘But I think . . . no. Not till Saturday at five anyway. Oh, and there’s a few things they’d like from your house now that their living arrangements have changed. Some clothes and other stuff. Passports too, because we’re thinking of going overseas next year. Maybe Hong Kong.’ He paused, as if considering. ‘Yeah, they’d enjoy that. Maybe even more than Seaworld. So if you could pack their things up, that’d be great. And a dog. Apparently there’s a dog that belongs to them?’
‘You know full well there’s a dog. You saw it, when you took them.’
‘So there is!’ Jake smiled. ‘I’d forgotten. After all, that day was such a blur. When you have sudden reunions after such a long time . . . well, incidentals get forgotten. You’ll know what I mean soon enough.’
‘I have court-ordered access,’ said Maddie, making an effort to keep her voice steady. ‘And you’re not getting the dog.’
He laughed suddenly, with real humour. ‘Good to see you’ve got your priorities straight.’
‘Besides, the final orders are just around the corner. And now that I know how dirty you’re willing to play, I’ll be well prepared.’
‘Excellent! I love a challenge!’ Jake smiled again, but it was a movement which only stretched his mouth, nothing more. His voice flattened. ‘But I wouldn’t start getting too confident, my little Waltzing Matilda. Give me a few months and I’ll have them out of that one-horse fucking town you dragged them to and back here where they belong. And you’ll be paying so much child support you won’t even be able to afford the petrol to come see them.’
Maddie stared at him, paralysed by the sudden venom.
‘As for you being well prepared,’ he shook his head sadly, ‘it won’t be even close to enough. You should know after today that these magistrates are quite capable of seeing through all your poor me bullshit. Straight through to the number-one bitch that you really are. So bend over, sweetheart, and spread them.’ He made a sudden thrusting movement with his pelvis that took her completely by surprise. An instinctive, primeval fear clenched within her gut. He smiled, knowingly, and blew her a kiss. ‘I’m gonna so enjoy shafting you. And you never know, a slut like you, you’ll probably even learn to enjoy it.’
This time Maddie didn’t even pause to think, although images did play in the background as she went for the wineglass. Images of the magistrate’s dour face, of Jake winking as he walked past, of the self-righteousness of his fat ignorant lawyer, and then, shoving everything else away, that thrusting pelvis. All of which simply gave impetus to her actions as she reached forward, picked up the glass and flung the contents across the kitchen. For a moment the liquid looked as if it was poised in midair, droplets stretching out fore and aft like a Pro Hart painting, and then it continued on. Straight into his face.
And everything blew apart. It seemed as if the liquid had barely reached its target before Jake was on the move, rushing forward and knocking her to the ground with one almighty blow to the shoulder. She hit the island bench on the way down, just enough to break her fall. Then, from where she lay, Maddie stared up at his furious face, while red wine dripped down onto her beautiful sage jacket. She was frightened, but also angry, and was conscious of a recklessness that was very unlike her. It made her want to laugh, even as she recognised that such laughter would be just this side of hysteria.
‘You just made a mistake, you fucking bitch. A big mistake.’
‘No, my mistake was years ago.’ Her voice came out high, but even. ‘When I married you.’
Jake shook his head, red wine now dribbling down into his snow-white collar, almost matching his tie. ‘Oh my, you’ve got a fucking death wish.’
Maddie continued to stare up at him from the floor, part of her marvelling at how unpleasant he looked from this angle. The extra flesh formed pouches that made his skin appear to be melting, while the grooves either side of his mouth were scars, slashed across his face. It was as if his temperament had finally absorbed his looks. ‘You’re ugly,’ she said in a wondering voice.
Jake looked startled, as if this was the last thing he had expected to hear. Then his mouth thinned and he thrust one hand down into Maddie’s hair, fingers ricocheting off her skull and taking hold of a swathe right near the roots. For a moment she had an oddly restless, déjà vu moment, Oh that’s right, I remember this, and then pain ripped the thought in half as Jake started to tug her, by the hair, towards the passage.
On all fours now, Maddie dug her heels in so that she could pull back against the force, her eyes watering with pain. ‘Let go.’
Instead of answering, Jake readjusted his hand to get a better grip, winding her hair around his fingers so that she was caught fast. He lifted her, just slightly, but enough to set her scalp on fire, and she reached up with both hands to scrabble against him with her short fingernails. Anything to make him release his hold. But instead he set off, walking in lurching strides with Maddie now struggling along by his side on her knees, her head stretched upwards to take as much tension as possible from her scalp. Even so every movement tore at her skull, stretching skin from bone and, despite herself, she heard a whimpering. And knew it was her.
As if the sound gave him added impetus, Jake suddenly began a litany of which she was all too familiar. Except that this time, now, he had extra ammunition.
‘Fucking bitch. Have a go at me, for Christ sake. Slut! Fucking fat cow.’
Maddie managed to grasp his wrist, dragging it closer towards her head to alleviate some of the pressure. Now the pain began in earnest whenever he took a step forward, and then peaked as she was dragged along immediately after. But there was a second or so of blessed relief in between, just enough for fury to blossom within the fear.
‘You’ve got a damn nerve, coming here. After what you did to me!’ Jake reached the hallway, wrenching her off the carpet and along the slate tiles. ‘Stealing my fucking children! Six fucking years!’
The strips of grouting tore at her knees and she tried to move sideways, just a little. But almost immediately she stumbled and fell, so that it was only his grip in her hair that kept her suspended. And, with the sudden downward momentum, her scalp felt like it was literally tearing away. She screamed with pain, but it came out as a choking muffled sound. As if even her voice was being torn in two.
‘Fucking bitch from hell. You’ll get yours. Everything you deserve and fucking more.’
They had now reached the front door and Jake used his spare hand to open it, pulling Maddie sideways to make room for the door to swing in. A breeze came with it, lovely and light and ridiculous, under the circumstances. She took advantage of his shift in concentration to stagger awkwardly to her feet, even though she was still bent over, with her head against his side. As if they were conjoined twins. She grabbed at his hand, digging her fingers underneath his with as much force as she could muster, trying to make them let go. And sh
e could hear herself grunting with the effort. An animal, caught in a trap.
‘You know what really amazes me?’ Jake suddenly pulled his hand up and, like a puppet, she went with it. His face was now centimetres from hers, flushed with anger. Even uglier. ‘You go through life thinking you’re so fucking hard done by, when really it’s you shafting everyone else. People like you don’t deserve to live. Fucking parasite.’
Maddie stared at him, startled to see sticky patches of red wine still shining his cheeks. It seemed so long ago that she had thrown it. There was a little tic pulsing steadily underneath his left eye and if she looked away it seemed, almost, as if he were winking. A bubble of laughter rose at this thought, accompanied by a surge of fear that it would be heard. She swallowed both and thought about taking him by surprise and driving her head forward, aiming for his nose with her forehead. She could almost hear the crack. But instead she contented herself with standing straighter, taller. ‘Let me go, you fucking arsehole.’
‘No problem, bitch. I’ll let you go.’ Jake wrenched her towards the open door and then, with a grunt of effort, thrust her through, finally releasing her hair. As she lurched over the threshold, fighting to keep her balance, he suddenly stepped forward and kicked her, hard, in the hip. And she went tumbling sideways down the two porch steps and onto the cobblestoned pathway. There she lay, leaning on one arm and breathing heavily, as she stared up at him.
‘You really haven’t changed at all, have you?’ She shook her head, as if amazed at the discovery. ‘Still just the same. A bully, that’s all.’
‘Hey, no one asked you to come here, sweetheart.’ He pulled the corner of his mouth up in a sneer. ‘You need to get that through your fucking thick head. No one wants you here. So go on, off you go. Run away. You’re good at that.’
‘I’ll get them back eventually,’ said Maddie, but her voice stumbled over the words and they didn’t sound very convincing, even to her. Nevertheless she continued because this might be her only chance. ‘I will, you know. It might take me a while, but I’ll get them back. I just pray you haven’t fucked them up in the meantime.’
Instead of answering immediately, Jake flicked his eyes down to her feet and then tracked them, slowly, up her body until they reached her face again. He smiled, but it was as flat as his eyes and the only sign of emotion was the little tic. ‘Me fuck them up? Christ, you’re a classic. Just look at you. You’re disgusting. Don’t you think they deserve better than you?’
‘I know damn sure they deserve better than you. That’s why I took them.’
His eyes widened as his face flushed with anger. He took a step forward and then stopped, the little tic now pulsating like an arrhythmic heartbeat. ‘Why you fucking piece of shit. You bitch. You cow.’
Maddie had a moment of almost fatalistic calmness. ‘Yada, yada. You really don’t have much imagination, do you? Bitch, cow, slut. Same thing, over and over. Like a broken record.’
Jake’s mouth opened, but his teeth remained clenched. He spoke through them anyway, shaking his head to give added emphasis. ‘You want me to fucking kill you, do you? Is that it?’
Maddie stared up at him. She pushed the fear away, with just a little trickling through to tremble along her words. ‘Go for it, arsehole. It’s just your style anyway. Beating up anything smaller. Coward.’
Jake shook his head again, slowly, as if trying to make sense of all this. Then, even as he stared at her, his face cleared and he visibly straightened. ‘Oh, I see what you’re doing. Very clever. You want me to hit you, then you can go whining off to the cops with the bruises. Try and get me charged so you can get the kids back. Christ, you really are a bitch aren’t you?’
Maddie blinked with surprise, wondering if that had indeed been what she was doing.
‘Good try, you fucking lowlife piece of shit. But you’ll have to think of something else. Now go rot in hell.’ He took a step backwards and then slammed the door shut, so hard that the glass rattled in the lounge room window nearby.
‘Well, that went well, didn’t it?’ said Maddie lightly to no one in particular. Without moving she looked across from one neighbour’s house to the other, but there was no sign of movement, despite there being cars in both driveways. Surely they must have heard the altercation. She felt a rush of thick loneliness that only added to her misery. And here was the nostalgia she had missed earlier. Here were the memories.
She knew she had to get up, and soon, but could not find the energy. Instead she felt drained, depleted, and she hurt. Her knees where she had been dragged along, her hip where she had been kicked, and her scalp, where each strand of hair was rooted in an individual socket of pain. She might have stayed there for quite some time, but for a car that rounded the top of the court behind her. That was enough to get her going, finally, because pride was one of the few things she had left.
FOURTEEN
Afterwards, when she had gained a little perspective and started thinking through the events of that day, Maddie could not remember the trip home at all. She could recall getting into the car and fishing through her handbag for a tissue, but after that – nothing. Not the drive back through suburbia, or the trip along the freeway into the city, or even the climb up and over the Westgate Bridge. And she had absolutely no memory of the long trip back up the highway into the night. It was like the whole journey had never happened and she had been instantly transported, car and all, only to rejoin humanity early the following morning, when she woke to stare numbly at the ceiling as highlights flashed before her eyes. Like the preview to a movie she had already seen.
She left the house twice that day, the first time just to check the mail. But the buoyant spring sunshine seemed inappropriate somehow, almost irreverent. So she hurried there and back and then smiled flatly as she compared her rapid gait to a movie she had once seem with Dracula lurching back indoors with his cape over his face. The light, the light. The second time was about noon when she drove to Silver’s Creek and cruised the residential streets for an hour, not even sure what she was looking for. Perhaps a For Lease sign, or maybe even her children.
But on her return she shut the door with something close to relief, blocking out the world with its sunlight and camaraderie and verve. Guess kept her company throughout the long day without complaint, padding from room to room in her wake. As if sensing Maddie was in no mood for long walks, or ball throwing, or even watching while he played bird-chasey in the grassy backyard. She knew, in theory, that she was only making things worse because the hours crawled past with stultifying slowness. As if they were strapped to the rack themselves. But she felt utterly depleted, hollowed. At one stage, curled up on the couch and staring towards a blank television, she imagined a spiritual being having visited her overnight to press cool, gentle lips against hers and slowly drink in, devour, all she had to offer. Her essence. So that she woke with nothing, able to achieve only the bare minimum in order to maintain life. Coffee, some food, a shower, the toilet. Anything above or beyond was simply impossible.
Nor was she able to unpack the ramifications of the previous day. They remained crammed in the corners of each room she entered, shadows licking her feet as she averted her gaze. She could think about what had happened, who had said what to whom and when, but whenever her mind strayed too close to what this meant for the future, it shied away. And if she tried to think about what it would mean to have Jake living in the area, or to calculate the time between now and next May, the months thickened into a wall past which she could not go.
In the late afternoon she poured her first drink, knowing that this too was a mistake. But not really caring. She answered a phone call each from Kim and from Hannah, but only because she wanted to shake them off. Couldn’t risk one of them deciding that they needed to visit, check up on her. So she blithely assured them she was fine, that she was coping, and that she just needed a little time to come to terms with everything. Lick her wounds and start the healing process.
But the alcohol catap
ulted her straight into maudlin self-pity, without even a brief interlude. By seven o’clock she was pawing through photo albums, by eight o’clock she was watching home movies, and by nine o’clock she was going from one child’s bedroom to the next, performing a ritual she hadn’t followed for years. Where she laid just one kiss on each wall, and then blew one more from the doorway, in order to keep them safe and well. Soon after she was crawling into Ashley’s bed, pulling one of her soft toys in with her. Sobbing into the plush fur and then angrily wiping swollen eyes. Feeling deeply nauseous with equal parts alcohol and despair. Making the pillow damp with tears and saliva and stringy mucus. And now feeling pathetic, as well as utterly miserable.
The nausea accompanied her through the night and into the morning, only easing after she staggered to the bathroom and retched into the toilet bowl. Her knees throbbing against the tiles as she embraced the cold porcelain. Afterwards she stared at herself in the mirror, lightly touching the broken blood vessels that spider-webbed their way across her cheeks. Like tiny graffiti tags, labelling her as the loser she was. Even after a shower she looked sick, and old. But this still wasn’t enough to prevent her from repeating the previous day as if it was a pattern from which she could not deviate. The bored, miserable isolation, the restricted phone calls, the post-yardarm alcohol and the mawkish inebriation that soon followed. At the end she crawled into Sam’s bed instead of Ashley’s. Couldn’t play favourites, after all.
On Friday morning she woke to the sound of Guess barking furiously and then a brisk knocking at the back door. She lay absolutely still for a while as if movement would encourage both dog and visitor, but the noise continued unabated. Echoing within her head with the force of a jackhammer. Now feeling both ill and annoyed, Maddie rolled out of Sam’s bed and pulled on her dressing-gown before walking rather unsteadily towards the door. As she passed the lounge room she could see the silver hatchback parked by the kerb so she already knew who it was before she opened the door. Guess shot outside and leapt around Kim, sniffing at her feet excitedly, before racing off to the far corner of the backyard.
