by Ilsa Evans
Maddie folded her arms across her chest and closed her eyes, standing perfectly still so that she could feel the fragile optimism pulse through her body and heat her from the inside out. Washing away the nausea born of too little food and too much alcohol and a sense of defeatism that would have brought her nothing else.
SEVENTEEN
Maddie woke in the morning with her resolve still in place. She had the insight to recognise that it had not been born of some sort of epiphany after Sam’s departure, but rather had been gathering stock for a few days and had then been cemented by the events. Like pottery that had slowly taken shape, and then been fired into solidity.
She lay in bed for a while, loving her analogy, admiring its form. And realising that it was also fitting in that her newfound resolve had a fragility that made it vulnerable, and there was every chance it would come under attack many times over the coming months. But she also decided that it didn’t really matter too much, not to her resolve as an entity, because every time it was glued back together it would have added strength, and all those chips and cracks and fractures would just give it character. Depth.
In one sense Maddie would have liked to take yet another day off work, but this time to start moving forward. Making phone calls, finding options. But she also knew that might be pushing her luck, especially as Monday was their busiest day, and she couldn’t afford to jeopardise her job. She arrived to find that the centre was already short-staffed with Lisbeth having rather abruptly taken two weeks’ leave. This topic of conversation occupied Maddie’s fellow workers so thoroughly that, after some brief queries as to her own recent absence, she was very much left to her own devices. As soon as she arrived, and before the centre doors opened, she took the time to visit Carol and apologise for her no-show last week. Carol knew more about Maddie’s circumstances than anyone else there, always presenting a supportive non-invasiveness that was much appreciated even if never built on. Because if Maddie had wanted to talk, ever, it would not have been to someone at work. Where she wanted, needed, a clear division between herself and those they served. For her own sense of self.
The steady stream of clients throughout the morning was both irritating and rewarding in equal measures. Irritating because Maddie wanted to concentrate on her own issues and do some research, but rewarding in that it distracted her from everything as well. And finding short-term solutions for others, even if it was only a food parcel to take home that day, made her feel useful, valued. She lunched with Olive and another worker from the main building, sitting outside in the light spring sunshine. Discussing Lisbeth and the upcoming Christmas roster and whether Carol was pregnant or had just put on a great deal of weight. They returned to find the waiting room almost empty so Maddie volunteered to spend the afternoon entering client records into the computer. She positioned herself up towards the back where she could access the database in relative privacy and then got started.
First she located and then rang the legal centre Jenny had mentioned. Being offered an appointment in three weeks’ time and trying to explain her urgency. That three weeks might as well be three months. Something in her voice must have convinced the receptionist, who put her on hold for a while and then slotted her in for this Wednesday. Which in itself seemed fitting as it meant Maddie now had to make a choice before she could make a comparison.
Next was Centrelink, and a lengthy wait in an automated queue. In the meantime, telling herself it was just to fill time, Maddie brought up the local university and trawled through the subjects on offer. Repeating them softly under her breath, as if reciting an incantation. By the time a person came on the Centrelink line, Maddie had discovered that all universities worked through a central application system, and that applications were currently being taken for the following year. She closed her eyes and breathed out, then bookmarked the application form.
The Centrelink call, when it eventuated, brought an odd mix of good and bad news, both of which were totally unexpected. Maddie had prepared herself to give a brief synopsis of her situation but it was already too late. A full one hundred per cent claim for all family benefit payments relating to Max and Courtney Hampton had already been submitted and was being processed. Meaning all subsequent claims were automatically rejected and Maddie would have to provide proof that she had the children for a requisite amount of time. But she barely had time to reel from this information when the customer service operator went on to explain, rather apologetically, that Maddie would only be able to claim for the past two years in arrears, not the full six. A rebate that would come to around the five thousand dollar mark.
Maddie hung up slowly, staring at the computer screen before her. At students sitting on verdant lawns, books tumbling by their sides. Lots of smiles and white teeth and sunshine. Five thousand dollars. The brief surge of anger that had greeted the news of Jake having already put a claim in, when the court case had only been last Tuesday, was drowned by the sheer amount of dollars coming her way. She simply couldn’t get her head around it. She could pay off Hannah and have a little left over to put in the bank. For the first time in years she would have savings. Something in reserve.
‘Good news?’ Olive slid into a seat nearby, looking at her curiously. Maddie couldn’t help but smile. ‘Something like that.’
‘Want to share?’
‘It’s really not that big a deal.’ Maddie waved towards her computer screen. ‘I was just looking at what I needed to do to finish a degree. That’s all.’
‘Oh. Okay. Well, good on you.’
Maddie turned back to her computer. She had a sudden sense that a mistake had been made, that the operator hadn’t quite understood the circumstances. So she waited until Olive had finished and then made the call again. Straightening her keyboard while she waited, and then aligning it with her notebook and the desk calendar. Eventually explaining everything all again, and getting exactly the same answer. It would be difficult to share any benefits with Jake in the future, but the previous two years were all hers. And there was nothing he could do about that.
For the next hour Maddie concentrated on mundane tasks, like ringing her landlord and checking up on the mower. The minor incidentals that didn’t go away, even if their importance did. She also rang Jenny, leaving a message on her machine, letting her know that she would no longer be able to attend the Friday evening support group because it was an access night, but thanking her for everything. She wanted to ring the high school, check that her children were there, but knew that the not knowing was something she simply had to come to grips with. After all, she couldn’t ring every single day.
In between calls, Maddie searched through the family law website trying to find a reference to the variation of interim orders. However, if this was a possibility, it seemed the family court hid it well. Instead Maddie found a section which held transcripts of actual cases so she spent the next two hours reading through these. Sparse, bureaucratic legalese that told the stories of people who had once formed a tight unit, a family, but who were now imploding.
Maddie was so engrossed in the transcripts that when her mobile rang, and it was Diana, it seemed somehow fitting. She glanced around quickly to ensure there was nobody within earshot as Diana got straight to the point.
‘So of course I wanted to make sure you were okay, that you were coping. But that wasn’t the real reason for my call.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yes, see I had a call myself this morning. From your husband’s attorney, and he is not happy. Not happy at all.’
‘Then he should get another client,’ replied Maddie smoothly, loving her answer.
There was a pause and then when Diana did speak, there was a definite frown underlining her words. ‘It’s not really a laughing matter, Maddie. The last thing you need at the moment is to be dragged back into court for a contravention.’
‘A what?’
‘A contravention. That’s when one party contravenes the orders and, let me tell you something, magistrates tend t
o get irritated by them. Especially when the orders were handed down less than a week ago.’
‘Look, I’m sorry but I’m still not sure what you’re talking about.’
‘Did your son visit you on the weekend?’
‘Yes, but . . .’
‘And did his father have to drive over there to fetch him back?’
‘Yes, but I didn’t ask him to. I can’t be held responsible if –’
‘That’s where you’re wrong.’ Diana’s voice softened. ‘Look, Maddie, I appreciate how hard this is for you and I wish things had gone differently last week. But we’ve got what we’ve got and that’s what we have to work with. Undermining the orders isn’t going to help your case.’
‘But you’re not listening.’ Maddie took a deep breath, trying to gain control. ‘I didn’t undermine anything! I got home and my son was there. That’s it. Besides, Sunday was my day, he was supposed to be there.’
‘According to your ex-husband, he rang you and you denied the boy was there.’
‘That’s because I didn’t know he was there! Not then!’
‘Maddie, it doesn’t really matter,’ Diana sighed, but it was a patient sigh. ‘Things like this can get all twisted out of shape regardless. And getting annoyed about it isn’t going to help either. For instance, all your ex-husband’s attorney has to do is use what you just said, about it being your day but you still weren’t there when the boy was. Then he can go on about the father being worried sick and making all these phone calls, and he can ask you whether you rang the father when you realised the boy was there. Or even drove him home. Well? Did you?’
Maddie let the questions hammer her irritation down, although the word home grated. ‘No.’
‘And there you have it. All I’m saying is that you have to be careful. Now, see you on Wednesday and we’ll discuss our options. Okay?’
‘Okay.’
Maddie laid the mobile down next to the keyboard, straightening it so that it was perfectly parallel. She stared at the monitor, at the case of Rogan vs Treefore and the magistrate’s summing up, but without really seeing anything. Her annoyance started to blossom once more, at Jake, at Diana, and at court orders that not only erred but then set in place measures to protect the errors. Rather than the children. She closed her eyes and rubbed her arms, making a concerted effort to get back on track. Because Diana had been correct about one thing at least, that getting annoyed wasn’t going to help anything. So instead she imagined her frustration as something liquid, like a medicine, thick and viscous, so that she could swallow it down. Hoping that then it would be absorbed by her resolve and transformed into something useful, because she was going to need all the help she could get.
That evening, Maddie already knew, would be framed around two phone calls. One she would have to make, to Hannah, and one she would be receiving, from Sam and Ashley. The latter would have to be the first, because she wasn’t going to risk them getting an engaged signal. So she kept herself busy with necessities, like opening mail and feeding Guess and preparing a small meal for herself. Not really enjoying the food but treating it as fuel, essential for energy and foresight. All the while buoyed by her unexpected windfall, and what it would mean. She was washing her hands, thinking about how far the money could stretch, when the call eventually came, so she dried her hands rapidly, the skin still clammy as she grabbed up the phone.
‘Hello?’
‘Mum. It’s Sam. How’re you?’
Maddie let out her breath, warming the hand that held the phone. ‘I’m good. And you?’
‘Yeah, okay.’
‘What about yesterday? Your father?’
‘Actually he was okay.’ Sam sounded rather surprised. ‘Like he was a bit pissed but he said it was all part of the teething process or something. Not to do it again though.’
‘All right.’ Maddie tucked this away for later. ‘So, how was today? Back to school?’
‘Yeah, not bad. Same as.’
‘Did you get all your homework done over the holidays?’
‘Yeah, just about.’
‘And how’s the new house? Bus ride okay?’
‘Yeah, fine.’
Maddie laughed but it came out like a bark so she tried again, softer this time. ‘God, Sam, it’s like getting blood from a stone with you. Can you at least tell me if anything interesting has happened? Anything I should know about?’
‘Umm . . .’ Sam appeared to give this some thought. ‘Nah, not really. Have you seen your lawyer yet?’
‘No. Sorry. Wednesday.’
‘Oh.’
Maddie tried to think of something to say, some way of communicating her burgeoning optimism. ‘It looks like we’ll be getting some money from Centrelink, as a back payment. Quite a bit actually. Might be able to get that second computer after all.’
‘Cool. Bags the new one.’
‘Um, can you not tell your father though?’
‘Why would I?’
‘I don’t know.’ Maddie rubbed at her arm. ‘Is Ash there? Can I speak to her?’
‘Nah, she’s out with Dad. Getting takeaway for tea. That’s why I rang now.’
‘Oh. Well, do you know how she went back at school? If everything’s okay?’
‘I think so. Dunno really.’
Maddie took a deep breath and then let it out, making sure to keep it low so that it didn’t sound like a sigh. ‘When you ring tomorrow night, can you make sure she’s there? I really want to speak to her. See how she’s going.’
‘No problem. And I’d better go. I’m supposed to be setting the table.’
‘For takeaway?’
‘Yeah. Dad reckons our manners are shite.’
‘Oh. All right then.’ Maddie leant forward, continuing quickly. ‘And Sam, remember what I said yesterday. Just give me time. I’ll sort this all out, I promise.’
‘Okay. See you, Mum. Love you.’
‘Love you too.’
Maddie put the phone down and took another deep breath, this time letting it out as noisily as possible. So that it vibrated her lips, puffing them out like a clown. She was disappointed that she hadn’t spoken to Ashley, because it seemed like a long time since she had. And while it was good to think that her daughter didn’t feel the need to connect with her, it was also rather hurtful. And fed that niggling doubt that acknowledged how mercenary her daughter could be, and how easily bribed. Maddie went over to the sink and washed her hands, finishing the job this time, and then shook them thoroughly dry before dialling her sister’s number.
‘Hello?’
‘Hi there.’
‘Mattie! I was just about to ring you. I wanted to know if you were going to come down tomorrow, for that appointment Wednesday.’
Maddie sat down at the kitchen table. ‘Ah, no. Listen Hannah, I’ve been thinking and I really, really don’t want to offend you but, well, I don’t think I want to continue with Diana. Sorry.’
‘You don’t want to what?’
‘Um, continue with Diana. As in have her represent me.’
Silence stretched across the minutes. ‘You don’t want to have her represent you.’
‘That’s right. I’m really sorry, because I know how much hard work you’ve put into this. And I appreciate it, I really do. I’ll pay you back every cent, and pretty soon too. But, well, I just don’t think she’s right for me. I think I need someone who’s more focused on these type of cases. With guys like Jake.’
‘I see.’ Hannah spoke slowly, pensively. ‘You’re not just looking for a scapegoat?’
Maddie took this on board, examined it and then shook her head. ‘No. And be honest, Hannah, do you think she did such a great job last Tuesday?’
Another silence. ‘I don’t think she did a bad job.’
‘Hannah, I need more than that. This my life. It’s not enough to just be not bad.’
‘Yes, I know,’ Hannah sighed softly. ‘And I admit I’d have liked her to be a little more . . .’
‘Aggres
sive?’ Maddie waited a moment for an answer and then continued. ‘I have an appointment at a community legal centre on Wednesday.’
‘Oh Mattie, do you think that’s such a good idea? You get what you pay for, you know.’
‘Says who? That was probably just made up by those who want to charge the earth.’
‘Regardless, I don’t like to think you might be burning your bridges.’ Hannah paused. ‘I tell you what, why don’t I ring Diana tomorrow and postpone our appointment till later this week? Then if you don’t like this community place, you can still see her.’
Maddie smiled to herself. ‘Okay. Thanks.’
‘Do you want me to come with you?’
‘No, that’s fine,’ replied Maddie quickly. ‘It’s much too far for you to come just for an appointment. But thanks anyway.’
‘It’s really no –’
‘Did I tell you Sam came home? Yesterday?’
‘What? You mean he’s there now?’
‘No.’ Maddie suddenly wished she hadn’t said anything. Sometimes explanations were almost as draining as the actual events. ‘Jake picked him up again. He was only here for an hour or so. He wants to come home.’
‘Of course he does.’
‘I felt rotten. Like Judas or something. And then today I got a call from Diana because Jake’s attorney had been on to her already, threatening legal action if I don’t stick to the orders.’
‘But it wasn’t your fault!’ Hannah’s voice rose with vehemence. ‘Besides, wasn’t yesterday your day?’
‘It gets all twisted.’ Maddie’s head started to ache, a dull, muffled throb that craved silence. ‘I think it’s more about who is seen to do the right thing than whether you actually are.’
