“Oh, yes,” Mrs. Price agreed. “We haven’t heard anything in so long from those boys. When I think that they are all that stands between us and the Yankees, I can hardly keep from weeping.”
“Has there been any word?” Mrs. Simmons asked after a moment, when Lori didn’t reply.
“No,” she said thickly, wishing she didn’t feel so faint. “We... we haven’t heard a thing.”
“Oh, I’m sure he’s just fine,” Mrs. Smythe assured her, patting Lori’s arm. Obviously, she had misinterpreted Lori’s reaction as concern for Eric’s safety.
“Yes, indeed,” Mrs. Price agreed. “We can’t afford to lose any more of our young men, can we? Who will our girls marry?”
“Not Adam Ross,” Sally observed acidly. “He’s already taken. But at least Elmhurst still has one bachelor left.”
Mercifully, the church bell began to ring at that moment and the group of women began to disperse, most to find children or friends and a few to find husbands. Counting herself among the lucky ones, Lori looked around and was relieved to see Adam coming for her.
He’d been discussing something, probably politics, with a group of elderly men.
“How’s things between you two?” Bessie inquired in a whisper while the two of them waited for Adam’s slow approach.
Silently grateful that Bessie hadn’t asked her question even a day earlier, Lori was happy to report, “Just fine.”
“He treats you good?”
“Yes, better than good.”
“And what about them slaves? They give you any trouble?”
“Not at all,” Lori said.
Bessie made a rude noise. “I been expectin’ an invite to Sunday dinner. Guess you’re too good for the likes of me now.”
Lori’s conscience tweaked her. She’d been afraid to have Bessie in her new home until now for fear she would sense that things weren’t as they should be between her and Adam. Knowing Bessie, she would have asked a lot of questions Lori didn’t want to answer and offered a lot of advice Lori didn’t want to hear. Now she no longer needed to worry about that. “Will you have dinner with us today?”
“About time,” Bessie grumbled.
Adam had reached them, and he offered Lori his arm. “Good morning, Mrs. McClintock,” he said to Bessie.
“ ’Mornin’ to you, too. Lori here was just tellin’ me you been treatin’ her real good.”
Mortified, Lori glanced up at Adam and was even more mortified to find him smiling knowingly back down at her. “Has she now?” he remarked suggestively. “I’m glad to know she’s pleased.”
Lori’s cheeks began to burn, and she knew she was blushing furiously.
“And while it’s probably of no concern to you,” he went on, thoroughly enjoying Lori’s embarrassment, “Lori has been treating me very well, too. Very well indeed,” he added softly, for Lori’s ears alone.
Lori felt the oddest little tremble in her stomach, and her knees suddenly seemed to be made of jelly.
“Stop looking at me like that or I’m going to kiss you right here in front of God and everybody,” Adam warned her in a whisper.
Obediently, Lori looked away, acutely aware of how very much she wanted him to kiss her. Was it possible? Was she beginning to actually feel physical desire for Adam? And if so, did that mean she was finally over her fears?
No sooner had the question formed in her mind than Judge Fairweather approached.
“Good morning, Mrs. Ross, Mrs. McClintock. And how are you ladies this fine morning?”
Grateful for the distraction, Lori returned his greeting.
They were almost to the church steps, and the judge fell in step beside them. “Say, Adam, 1 forgot to ask you earlier. Have you heard anything from that brother of yours?”
CHAPTER NINE
“What’s wrong?” Adam asked her as they lay in the dark that night. He’d been kissing her for a long time, kissing and caressing her and trying to elicit at least a ghost of the response she had given him last night. She’d tried, she really had, and she’d prayed he wouldn’t notice that she hadn’t been able to succeed. But of course he had.
“Nothing’s wrong,” she insisted as she lay in his arms. “I’m just... tired.”
“Don’t lie to me, Lori. You’ve been upset ever since we got home from church this afternoon. Did someone say something to you? Something about our marriage?”
“No, not at all,” she insisted quite truthfully. That wasn’t why she was upset.
“Was it Bessie, then? I thought you wanted her to come to dinner—”
“I did. No, it wasn’t anything. I told you, I’m just tired.”
“It was Mrs. Price, wasn’t it?” Her arms were still around his neck, and she could feel his whole body stiffen with outrage beneath the fabric of his nightshirt. “I saw her talking to you. That old biddy, she has a tongue like an adder. What did she say to you, Lori? I’ll call on her tomorrow and demand that she—”
“No, Adam, she didn’t say anything to me.” She reached up and stroked his face, trying to calm him. “It wasn’t that, I swear it.”
“Then what is it? And I want the truth. I can’t protect you if I don’t know what’s wrong,” he warned.
Protect her. How beautiful those words sounded. And how silly she was being to keep the truth from him. For too long she’d felt so defenseless, and now here was Adam practically begging her to let him help her. He would understand if she could only bring herself to tell him about it.
“It was all that talk about... about your brother today,” she admitted at last. She still couldn’t bring herself to actually say his name.
She could instantly feel the change in him, as if something that had been tightly coiled inside of him had suddenly grown tighter. “Eric?”
“Yes, everyone kept asking if we’d heard from him and how he was and... it was so awful!”
“He is my brother, Lori,” he reminded her. His voice was strained, so she knew he understood how difficult it was for her to talk about his brother. “You have to expect people will speak of him to you.”
“I know but... You understand, don’t you? Why it hurts me to hear his name and to pretend that... that nothing’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” he insisted impatiently. “You’re my wife now, and what happened with you and Eric is over and done with.”
How could he say that? How could he even think it? Even if Lori could someday forget how Eric had violated her, there was still the child she carried. What Eric had done would haunt them both for as long as they lived.
“It’s not over!” she said. “It will never be over!”
Something that felt very much like anger quivered through him, although why he should be angry, Lori had no idea. “It won’t be over if you refuse to forget about Eric,” he said and pushed himself away from her.
Hating the darkness that hid his expression from her, she reached out to him in desperation. “I’m trying, Adam! I really am, but it’s so hard to forget something like that!”
She touched his shoulder and found it as stiff and unyielding as his words. How could this be happening? How could Adam be angry with her? She’d thought he understood.
And then she realized what was wrong. He was hurt because she hadn’t been able to respond to his lovemaking. She knew how much it had meant to him when she’d finally been able to give herself to him, and now he must be feeling terribly rejected.
“Adam, I’m sorry,” she tried, changing her touch to a caress on his shoulder. “I... if you want to... to make love... it’s all right.” She could give him that much, at least.
She heard him draw in a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. “I wouldn’t dream of taking advantage of you like that, Lori. You said you were tired. Go to sleep.”
With that he rolled over, turning his back and, in the process, shrugging off her hand. Stung, she lay there for a long time, blinking at the tears that kept gathering in her eyes and refusing to give in to the comfort o
f weeping. Only when she was sure Adam was asleep did she allow herself to shift into a more comfortable position. She was certain she wouldn’t be able to sleep. The pain of Adam’s rejection was too great, and the reminders of Eric too fresh. But her body’s needs overcame her mind’s turmoil, and she slipped more quickly into oblivion than she would have suspected was possible.
Adam felt her roll over, and since every nerve in his body was attuned to her, he knew the instant when her breathing changed, signaling her surrender to sleep. He lay there alone in the dark, and cursed himself for being a fool.
Well, what had he expected? Had he really thought that one night of lovemaking could make her forget that she had loved his brother? And more than that, make her forget his crippled leg and love him instead? Had he truly believed that by simply possessing her body he could win her heart as well? He was worse than a fool; he was well and truly insane.
And when he allowed himself to feel the frustrated aching in his loins, he cursed himself all over again for being too proud to take the one thing she had offered him. Was he striving for sainthood? First he’d waited weeks to consummate his marriage, and now he was denying himself the one comfort his bride was prepared to give him, just because he knew how distasteful she must find his attentions.
Oh, she’d denied it. She’d even convinced him she welcomed his caresses. But what was she supposed to do? He was her husband, after all. The man who had offered her protection when she was desperate. Her one hope. She couldn’t exactly show him her true feelings, could she? Not unless she wanted to risk being thrown out on her own again. So, of course, she’d pretended affection for him. And Adam had been only too willing to let her pretend.
And, he had to admit to his own shame, he would be willing to again. Tonight he’d managed to be noble, but that had only been an act. He wasn’t noble at all, not where Lori was concerned. She might be nothing more than a silly chit whom his brother had seduced and abandoned, and she most certainly would never be the soul mate he had once imagined he would find to share his life, but she could more than fill his bed.
Unable to resist another moment, he rolled over to face her. She lay on her back, and while he couldn’t make out her features in the dark, he already knew them by heart. The gentle sound of her breathing seemed to fill his head, and every beat of his heart sent an answering throb to his loins. Dear God, even her scent was intoxicating, an erotic mixture of roses and female musk that made him dizzy and made him ache.
He lay like that for a long time, like a man obsessed, which he was. And just as he was about to despair of his own sanity, she whimpered in her sleep. She was crying! Remembering the time she’d awakened him screaming from a nightmare she couldn’t escape, he instinctively reached for her.
That was almost his undoing. She felt so soft, so feminine that desire roared in him like a caged beast. But then he felt her shoulders shaking and knew that she was weeping in earnest now. The nobility he had earlier denied saved him. While his body screamed for physical release, his honor prevailed, allowing him to cradle her gently in his arms and press chaste kisses into the thickness of her ebony hair.
By the time she had quieted, by the time she again lay peacefully sleeping in his arms, he knew he was lost. But he also knew that, by God, somehow, someday, she would be as lost as he.
***
Lori awoke the next morning with a certainty that something was terribly wrong. Still groggy with sleep, she needed a moment to figure out why, and then she remembered what had happened last night, the way Adam had rejected her. In the next instant, she realized that she was alone in the bed. Alarmed, she came completely awake in a moment and sat upright only to find she was alone in the room, too.
When had he left her? Had he gone back to his old bed as soon as she had fallen asleep? But that was ridiculous. Why would he do a thing like that? And when she glanced around, she saw his nightshirt hanging from a peg on the wall, and then she noticed that the room was bright with morning sunshine, and she sank back against her pillows in relief. She had merely overslept. Angry with her or not, Adam had spent the night here and gotten up at his usual time, leaving her to sleep.
But, she realized with renewed alarm, that wasn’t particularly good news, either. Every other morning he had been eager to share breakfast with her. Because he enjoyed her company, he had said. This morning he hadn’t wanted her company, however. The knowledge was like a lead weight in her chest as she threw back the covers and climbed out of the big bed.
Trying in vain to judge how late she had slept, she moved slowly to the washbasin to begin her morning routine. There was no reason to hurry. If Adam didn’t want to see her, nothing else was important.
She dressed carefully, perversely wanting to look her best, even though she knew nothing mattered anymore. When she was ready and could think of nothing else to keep her here, she reluctantly opened the bedroom door and stepped into the hall. Expecting to see no one, she almost cried out in surprise when she saw Adam striding toward her.
“Oh, good, you’re awake,” he said, smiling at her as if nothing untoward had ever passed between them. “I didn’t want to leave without seeing you, but you were sleeping so soundly this morning, I didn’t have the heart to wake you.”
“I’m sorry,” she said quickly, thinking he must be criticizing her for lying abed when she had work to do. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You were tired last night, remember?” he said with one of the smiles she’d never thought she’d see again.
Her cheeks burned at the reminder. Why on earth was he being so nice to her? “I wasn’t that tired!” she protested guiltily.
But he took her hands in his and gazed down at her with eyes that held not the slightest hint of reproach. “Just be sure you aren’t that tired tonight,” he said, and lifted each of her hands to his lips by turn and kissed them.
Nearly breathless with surprise, she said, “I won’t, I promise!”
And then he kissed her mouth. “I’ll hold you to that, Mrs. Ross,” he said when he was done.
He tucked her hand in his arm and led her back through the house to the rear door where Oscar had the buggy waiting to take him to the fields.
Lori was still speechless with amazement as she stood waving while he drove away.
And as the days stretched into weeks, her confusion only increased. The night she’d thought marked the end of her relationship with Adam might never have happened. He treated her with every kindness and courtesy during the day, and almost every night he made slow, sweet love to her until she cried out her pleasure.
If sometimes memories of Eric’s attack made her want to recoil from him, if sometimes she resented the fact that the instrument of his pleasure was the same one that Eric had used to inflict pain, she never let him know it. And if, on those occasions, she was slow to respond and even certain she never would again, Adam was ever patient with her, coaxing her until her responses were no longer hers to control, until Adam was the only driving force in her life.
After only a few short weeks of such tender wooing, Lori understood that while she had already given Adam her heart years before, her soul no longer belonged to her, either, but had somehow passed into his keeping. She was obsessed with him, and his happiness became the only thing she considered important anymore.
“What are you making?” he asked one evening. They were in the parlor, as they usually were after supper, and Lori was taking advantage of the lingering daylight to do some embroidery.
He’d laid a possessive hand on her shoulder as he stood over her chair, and his touch had galvanized her because she knew what it meant. It meant that he was so anxious to make love to her later that he couldn’t stop himself from touching her now. Her body responded instinctively, as he had trained it to do with his relentless tenderness, and Lori savored the golden glow of her own desire.
“It’s a wrapper for the baby,” she said without thinking, gazing up at him lovingly.
Instantly, the spark of desire died in his eyes, and the hand on her shoulder stilled in its caress.
She wanted to snatch the words back. By unspoken agreement, they never mentioned the child. Lori knew he must have noticed the changes in her body. He had spent so many nights exploring every inch of it that surely he was just as aware as she of the way her stomach had rounded. But to say the word “baby” aloud, to acknowledge the child’s existence, was something they had never yet done. Until this moment.
“It’s... very nice,” he said and moved away, going to the sideboard where he kept the liquor.
Her first impulse was to stuff the small garment back into the sewing basket, out of sight, and to begin chattering cheerfully about something inconsequential, so they could both pretend that everything was fine again. Adam, she was certain, would be perfectly willing to assist her in that pretense, but sooner or later they were going to have to come to terms with the fact that there would, in a few short months, be a baby in this house. If she let this opportunity pass, heaven only knew when she might have another.
Very carefully, she stuck the needle into the cloth and laid the tiny garment in her lap. “Adam?”
She didn’t need to look at him to know what he was doing. She could hear the clink of the neck of the bottle touching the rim of the glass and the splash of the liquor as it poured. She also knew he wasn’t medicating the pain in his leg.
“Yes, my dear?” he replied with forced pleasantry.
When he turned to face her, glass in hand, he was smiling, but she knew him well enough now to recognize the falseness of that smile.
“I thought I was going to hate this baby,” she told him, forcing herself not to look away, to see his reaction and not to cringe from it.
His smile vanished, but she was glad to see it go. She wanted no pretense tonight. “Did you?” he asked noncommittally.
“After what happened... well, I guess you remember that I wanted to die. Until you came along, that is,” she added quickly.
He stood where he was, perfectly still, holding the glass in one hand and not even raising it to his lips. She waited, willing him to say something, anything. After what seemed a lifetime, he nodded once.
From This Day Forward Page 21
