by Piper Frost
Her head turns and she stares out the window, her hands slowly coming around my face before she looks back at me. “You make me absolutely insane,” she whispers.
“I know.” I kiss her quickly. “I know, but you can handle me. You’re the only person that can handle me. You know all about me and you’ll learn the shit you don’t soon enough I guess, but you love me.” I smile at her, nipping at her chin. “I know you can handle all my shit.”
“I don’t, though. Because I don’t know what you're talking about. What shit do you mean? The things you haven’t told me? I want to try, Sutton. I want to be what you need. But you’ve got to stop hiding things.”
“I’m not.” She snaps her head to scowl at me. “I mean, I won’t. You’ll find out what the fuck came up today and then there’s nothing you don’t know.” I nervously clear my throat and help her back into her seat. She’s tapping her finger on her knee; she does that when she’s nervous so I reach over and snatch her hand, giving her a tug toward me to kiss her. “Leena, I love you.” I kiss her again and start driving.
“I love you too, Sutton.” She pushes her hair back and sighs, letting her eyes drift out the window.
I start talking about her yearbook class because I know they’ve been laying out the book these last couple weeks. She’s not really talkative, but she’s humoring me, and as we get closer, I'm starting to think I may have done something wrong. I probably should have told her, but I just didn’t. Tell her what? That I’m a loser who fucked a guard at the detention center I was locked up in? That I got her pregnant? That she lost her job and gave up the kid? That’s what I want this girl knowing about me? That’s what I want my girl knowing about me?
I pull into the driveway and I can tell by the way she looks at me, she’s back to thinking I’m cheating. I get out and slowly walk to her side of the car, taking her hand.
“Sutton,” Mary, my daughter’s foster mom, opens the door and smiles.
Leena’s steps slow down.
“Mary Ann this is Leena Kenshaw. My girl,” I introduce them.
“Welcome, welcome, come in.”
“Hi,” Leena says politely. She grips my hand tighter before stepping into the house. She probably has a million questions right now and by the way her hand is trembling I know she’s nervous, but she’ll have her answers soon enough. “I didn’t know Sutton had family close by.”
I tug her close for a quick kiss.
“Mia!” Mary Anne calls out and smiles at us before walking to the fridge.
Little footsteps come running and my heart begins to race. I should have fucking told her. Oh fuck.
“Babe, this is my other girl,” I say.
“Daddy!” Mia screams and runs at me. I catch her and hug her to my chest, wishing she could help me through this. She’s an adorable angel but I don’t think she’ll save me from never telling Leena about her.
“Wow,” Leena whispers quietly, her eyes wide and her face pale. She looks at me, then to Mia. Her mouth’s open like she wants to say something but nothing comes out. The anger I thought would be there isn’t. But in its place is...nothing. “Mary is it?” She looks over at Mary Anne. “Where’s your bathroom?”
Mary Anne leads the way but I grab Leena’s wrist and yank her close for a kiss. Her lips are limp and she immediately pulls back and turns to follow Mary Anne. I’m not sure what her reaction means. She’s pissed, definitely or she would have kissed me back, and she probably doesn’t want to cause a scene in Mary Anne’s house. I guess that’s good, but she needs to get it out. Scream at me. Hit me. Do whatever she needs to do because this isn’t changing.
I take Mia into the living room and play with her and another kid Mary fosters. My girl’s happy and that usually makes my heart happy, but today I’m having a hard time focusing only on her. I shouldn’t have brought Leena. Maybe I should have told her before bringing her, but what difference does it make? If she can’t accept this, she’ll never accept me. Mia will one day be in my life full time, and Leena will too. That’s the plan at least.
I don’t know how long it is before I look up, realizing Leena never came from the bathroom. As I shift, I notice she’s out and is sitting at the kitchen table with her hands folded in front of her. I give her some time, but after a while, I’m done with her distance.
“Hey, strawberry.” I poke Mia while she rolls a car in circles. “Go ask Leena if she wants to play.” I point her out and Mia stares at her a minute. “Go. She’s awesome.” I chuckle when Mia hesitates, but after a minute she collects her toy purse and lipstick then walks to the kitchen table.
She starts rambling too quickly for Leena to understand her but when she holds out the lipstick, Leena takes it without saying anything. She smiles softly at Mia then glances over at me.
“She’s cute,” she says, trying to keep the smile on her face. “How old is she?”
I get up off the ground and walk toward the table. “Two,” I answer, sitting across from her and keeping my eyes on the table. Leena lets Mia put the fake lipstick on her and I can’t help but smile.
“Daddy?” Mia offers and I shake my head.
“No, strawberry butt, you two look real pretty though.” I grin at Leena who’s focused on Mia.
Her phone goes off in her pocket and she pulls it out, reading something on the screen. “Hey, I need to get back to town,” she says to me then smiles at Mia. “But you look way prettier than me, Mia.”
I shouldn’t have brought her today. I should have just told her. I wanted to spend as much time as possible here, but I dragged her along and now she has to get back. We had a date planned, I assumed she’d have the time.
“I can call my brother to pick me up. I get it if you want to spend time with your daughter.” She almost chokes on the last word and blinks her eyes rapidly as she watches Mia hop around the room. “Something came up and my dad needs me home.”
“No, shut up, I’ll take you home. I’m not letting you get a ride.” I snicker at her and stand. “Just give me a minute, okay? I won’t see her for two months.” I rub over my chin while I try not to get choked up myself.
I fucked this all up, but if she can’t accept that I have a kid, then she’s not good for me. Not as perfect for me as I’ve been thinking.
“Mia.” I squat when she looks up. “I have to go, strawberry butt.” I scoop her up and hug her close.
“No, Daddy. Mia come?”
I glance at Leena and she’s rubbing her forehead, her eyes focused down.
“No, you can’t.” I kiss Mia and hold her tight to me. “Daddy will see you soon. Soon you’ll come with me.”
Mia starts crying and when I look at Leena I swear I see her eyes swimming in tears.
“Oh, Mia.” Mary Anne laughs and takes her from me. “It’ll be okay, you’ll see daddy soon.”
“I love you.” I touch her nose and she rubs at her eyes while she cries. She garbles out the same but puts her face in Mary Anne’s neck and cries harder.
Fuck man. Goodbyes always suck, but today it’s worse with Leena here.
Taking Leena’s hand, it’s obvious she’d rather I didn’t, but I don’t give her a choice. Mary Anne stands at the door with Mia in her arms and they wave us off. I blow my little girl a kiss, pissed off I won’t see her for awhile, but I shouldn’t have sprung this on Leena.
“I love you, strawberry butt,” I call to her before getting in. Releasing a breath, I glance at Leena but she’s staring at her hands in her lap so I back out of the driveway. “That’s what came up. If I didn’t come today, I wouldn’t be able to see her for three months. I’m sorry.” I try to take her hand but she pulls it away.
“Please don’t,” she whispers, shaking her head and swiping under her eyes before turning her head so I can’t see her face. “Just...don’t.” Her voice cracks and she curses under her breath, trying to swipe under her eyes fast enough to catch the tears.
“Don’t what?” I don’t know what she doesn’t want me to do. “
Hey.” I give her a tug but she doesn’t budge. “Leena, if you can’t accept I’ve got a kid.” I laugh with annoyance. “Fuck, dude. It’s not like her mom’s in my life or anything. She doesn’t have a mom. Just Mary, her foster mom. I didn’t think you’d be pissed over something like this.” I’m just rambling now because between everything I say, I leave a small gap for her to interject, but she doesn’t.
She shakes her head. “I’m not pissed. I’m hurt. Really fucking hurt. And I just want to go home.”
“Hurt about what?” I throw my hand up. “What can you possibly be hurt about?”
Her mouth drops open as she stares at me, but she clamps it shut and shakes her head. “Just take me home. Please.” She shifts so her body’s facing away from me and looks out the window. This isn’t the pissed Leena I know. She’s not raging like I thought she’d be but I think this is worse because she’s not talking to me at all now.
“Leena.” I chuckle. “Baby.” I try to tug her again and she finally shoves my hand away. “Fucking seriously? Fine, Leena, whatever. You want to be hurt or pissed or whatever, fine. Me fuckin’ too ‘cause I didn’t think something like this would take you away from me.” I slam my hand to the steering wheel. We bicker and fight and yell and I’m not getting any of that from her and it’s driving me mad. I fucked all this up but how can she be mad at me for this? It’s not her fucking life she has to live with having a kid she can only see once a month. “Fuck!” I grunt when she continues to ignore me.
When I finally pull into her driveway she sits there staring out the window and I don’t know what the fuck to do.
“When you love someone, you tell them things Sutton. Big things. Little things. You don’t drop something like that on them after swearing that you haven’t been hiding anything.” She pops her door open and grabs her purse. “Your daughter’s adorable, by the way.”
“Leena!” I jump out. “I just told you! You just fuckin’ found out!” I scream at her, following her as she hurries into her house. “Leena! So what? That’s it? We’re fucking done?”
She gets to the front door and looks back at me, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Go home, Sutton.”
“No! Fuck that. No! Talk to me! You’re breaking up with me ‘cause I have a kid! I should have known you’d be like everyone else!” I yell in anger and she slams the front door closed. “Leena!” I scream and her mom pulls the door open.
“Sutton, what the hell?” she snarls at me.
“Leena!” I scream louder. “Jo, I just need to talk to Leena, please let me in. Leena!”
She shoves me off her porch.
“Leena! You’re my girl! I love you!”
“Leave, Sutton!” her mom demands but I can’t calm down. She fuckin’ dumped me over my kid.
“Leena!”
Jo slams the front door and I try to call Leena six times in a row, getting voicemail each time.
“Leena!” I scream as my heart feels like it’s dying. I can’t lose this girl. “You’re my ride or die! We’ve been through a lot of shit!” I scream and the door opens again, this time it’s Brandt.
“Sutton,” he growls, stepping out. “Go home, son.” He’s towering over me but I can’t. I can’t leave her.
“Let me talk to her. Please, I gotta talk to her. She can’t do this! She wouldn’t do this! She’s my fuckin’ ride or die! Leena!” I scream upward.
“What the fuck is a ride or die?” her dad snaps. “Get the hell off my lawn!”
“Leena,” I say this time and look into his face. He’s close to knocking me out and I’m not trying to fight her asshole dad. “Shit,” I huff and rub my face, walking back to my car.
I grab my phone and text her before driving away.
SUTTON: I’m fuckin sorry. I love you
I don’t go home. I can’t just sit there knowing she’s on the same property as me but won’t talk to me. I drive to the football field and call up a few of the guys and even though we have school tomorrow we get hammered. If I weren’t dying to see Leena I wouldn’t even go to school the next day, but I drag my hung over ass in just to be disappointed she’s not here.
At home I overheard Paige and my brother talking about Brandt not wanting me on his property, so I don’t push my luck.
I sit on the couch staring at my phone screen. There’s ten texts that have gone unanswered and I fuckin’ feel like I’m dying. When Paige walks through the front door, I glance up only briefly before putting my eyes back on the screen, thinking maybe she’ll reply. It’s been two days and I haven’t heard from her yet. She’s not going to fucking reply.
“Hey,” Paige says, falling to the chair across the room from me. “You go to school today?”
“Yeah.” Sort of. When I found out Leena wasn’t there, I dicked off and skipped three classes. I pick up my phone and send another text.
SUTTON: What do you want? You want me to stop seeing my kid?
I wouldn’t, but fuck, I’m going crazy.
Paige watches me for an entire episode of Jeopardy before she clears her throat.
“You holding up okay?” She tucks her feet under her like she’s settling in for a long conversation.
That shit ain’t happening so I stand. “You need something?” I ask her with annoyance, but I should shut the fuck up ‘cause I don’t pay rent or bills here and she’s letting me live here. If she needs me to do something, I fucking do it.
“Yeah. Sit the hell down, I’m not done with you.” She glares at me.
Normally I’d make a comment that makes her blush and Leena laugh, but nothing’s fucking funny anymore.
“I gotta get some work done on the sculpture.” I glance at the rain hitting the window and sigh ‘cause that excuse is fucked.
“Sit down, Sutton, or I swear I’ll call my mom over here to do this. We figured it’d be easier coming from me, but maybe you need someone you won’t be an asshole to.”
I stare at her a minute, wanting badly to tell her to fuck off, and tell her mom the same, but I wouldn’t do that. Ever. So I sit the fuck down like she said and huff. I’m probably being kicked out and that’s completely expected. I was a fucking dickhead screaming like that at the Kenshaw’s place.
“Thank you,” she says happily. “Now. My sister.” she looks at me and cocks her eyebrow. “Care to tell me what the hell happened?”
“She fucked me over. She’s not the chick she pretends she is.” I shrug and sit back. Why does it have to come out in anger? I can just tell her the truth, but I’m pissed, and a complete asshole.
“Yeah? I guess you're right. She can be a mega bitch. I bet she was horrible with your daughter right?”
I scowl at her. “Don’t fuckin’ say that shit about her, Paige. I know she’s your sister, but fuckin’ don’t. She’s not a bitch.”
“Yeah she is, come on.” She chuckles. “I mean, what the fuck did you do? Nothing. You didn’t want to tell the girl you’re apparently in love with that you're a dad? Okay, cool. Not her place to know anything about you, right?” She shrugs. “I mean, look at it this way. You’re getting off lucky. She could have had my dad shoot you.”
I keep my eyes locked on her, wanting to scream at her but my brother would try to beat my ass, so I keep my jaw locked. No comments about her asshole dad.
“She’s such a bitch she’s stopped going to school. Refuses to even get out of bed because she’s such a bitch. Last time I saw her she wouldn’t even talk to me. I mean, god. What’s one tiny little insignificant lie, right? It’s not like you have custody or anything.”
My teeth grind and I keep my hands clasped in front of me, wanting to put a hole through the wall. “I know what you’re fuckin’ doing,” I manage to say through a clenched jaw. “Fucking stop calling your sister a bitch. Now, Paige. Even if you don’t mean it and you’re just trying to piss me off ‘cause I’m an asshole, don’t. Because I am pissed. And I am an asshole. But I didn’t fuckin’ lie.”
“Yeah, of course you didn’t. I'm sure
there have been zero chances in the last few months to mention to her that you’ve had a kid for a few years. I mean, what with all the fucking you two were doing.” She makes a face. “So it was a bitchy thing to do to get hurt when you walk her into that house where your little girl lives and act like everything’s normal. So fucking bitchy.” Her anger’s coming out in her tone and now by the way she stands. “Be glad you live here and not in that house over there. Those tears are real and loud and it’s driving everyone nuts.” She laughs harshly and stomps to the kitchen.
“You weren’t fucking there, Paige, you don’t know how it happened.” I follow after her. “I didn't act like everything was normal. I was fucking scared, okay? That what you fucks want to hear? Well I was scared but I took her anyway and now I’m the royal piece of shit. I can’t have my daughter, and now I can’t have my girlfriend. I’m used to getting the shit end of everything. I got put in juvie for trying to save Fenton. I’m the only one trying to end this shit before your boyfriend gets a fucking shotgun blast to the back of his head. I have a daughter I kept from my girlfriend. And now I don’t have the girl I love anymore. I get it, I fucked up, but she left me over this.”
“Yep. She’s such a bitch. I know.” She brings her water glass to her lips, watching me. She’s silent and it’s pissing me off. “You ever think about how she felt walking into that house?”
“What’s the fucking difference if I show her or tell her?” I scream with my arms out. “You think if I told her on the drive over, it would have made it better?”
“I think it would have made it better had you told her months ago, idiot.” She dumps her water in the sink. “My little sister’s not pissed, Sutton. She’s hurt. More hurt than I can even imagine and trust me, I know what it feels like to be hurt by someone you love. But you kept a part of yourself from her when you claimed to love her. A huge part of yourself. You dropped it on her and expected her not to react. So maybe, for once, you could stop feeling sorry for yourself and put yourself in her shoes. Try, for once, and imagine that’s you. And she walked you into a house and introduced you to a kid. Her kid.”
